Another juror took his seat. He was a perfectly average and nondescript gentleman, the face in every crowd.
“Okay, well I don’t think we’ve managed to piss off this guy,” Atomik Lad said with a sigh of relief.
“Actually,” the Hero began.
“Ugh, no good can come of this.”
“He kinda looks just like the guy whose car I blew up when I was fighting Mechanikill last week.
“Exactly!” Count Insidious said. “You’re gonna fry. Er, with excitement while you watch how objective and efficient our judicial system is.”
“I remember he said he’d see me in court as I flew away. I thought he was just kiddin’ around.”
Mr. Manager came into the courtroom carrying a hefty barrel that gave off a slight green glow. He sat down and deposited the barrel in the chair next to him.
Atomik Lad was dumbfounded. He looked at the jury, Dr. Menace, Count Insidious, and then back at the jury.
“Okay, I can see why Mr. Manager hates us, we destroyed his restaurant and I kinda smashed up his furniture store in the middle of that Crushtacean weirdness. But the barrel? Is that even
legal?”
“Oh, you’ll like this. It’s a double-whammy.”
“Great.”
“Back when you guys were ripping off Mr. Manager at the Benny’s restaurant, he made you do some chores. Seems that our friend Jugular…
Nuklear
Man came across a barrel of cheese that had been neglected for decades. Its contents had hyper-evolved into a race of tiny cheese people who called themselves the Cheesiediluvians. They dreamed to someday conquer the restaurant, but the Golden Guardian here murdered their king moments before you, Atomik Lad, threw their city, Cheesebarrelopolis, into the dumpster. It’s fair to say they hate you both.”
“They’re going to let an entire civilization be on the jury?”
“Oh, no. Just the king’s brother, widow, and child. Otherwise, it’d be unfair.”
“Of course.”
“I wouldn’t worry though, they’re completely sympathetic to Veronica.
Us
. I meant to say us.”
“Let me get this straight.” Atomik Lad began. “You intentionally went out of your way to choose a jury made up of individuals and an entire
society
who really, really hate us?”
“Yup.”
“Because?”
“To demonstrate that the system actually works, even under the most biased conditions!”
“Guilty!” El Puerko yelled from the jury box. His fellow juror-villains sat him back down and explained that it wasn’t quite time. Yet.
“And if it doesn’t work?” Atomik Lad asked.
“You’ll be martyrs for provoking change in a flawed system. It’s a win-win situation!”
“See Sparky? It makes perfect sense. Either way, we can’t lose!”
“Do either of you know the meaning of ‘win?’” The ex-sidekick held his head. He was starting to feel about two thousand years old. “Okay, there’s still hope. The judge. The judge will see how obviously biased the jury is against us and he will declare a mistrial and then I will pick the new lawyer and none of this will happen and we’ll be fine.”
Automatic gunfire filled the courtroom. Civil Defender stood in the doorway with a smoking Infantry Stopper 2000 rifle. Bits of plaster rained down on him from the roof.
“All rise, the honorable…” Everyone was cowering on the floor. “I said
all rise!”
he demanded with his cannon leveled at the crowd. “That’s better. Ahem, the honorable Judge Hangemall Letgodsortitout now presiding.”
A small, angry, spiteful, elderly man with a hunch shambled into the courtroom. He had features like an eagle. An old, bitter eagle far past its prime who hated everyone and everything, but still an eagle. He climbed into the judge’s chair and scanned the courtroom with contempt.
“All right, all right,” he said, his slight southern accent ringing with annoyance. “All y’all sit down. Let’s git this thing started.”
“Guilty!” El Puerko announced once more.
Judge Letgodsortitout banged the gavel a few times. “Good enough for me, the defendant is hereby sentenced to—”
“Excuse me, your honor,” Count Insidious interrupted.
“What d’yall want?”
“The trial hasn’t actually begun. We can’t find him guilty yet.”
“
Or
innocent,” Atomik Lad insisted.
“Whatever. My point, your honor, is that we should at least begin proceedings before passing judgment.”
Hangemall gave a long sigh. “I really hate you bleeding hearts. We just about had this thing wrapped up, but you damn lawyers drag out these trials until nothing makes sense anymore.”
Count Insidious silently gazed somewhere above the Judge’s left shoulder for a few seconds. He shook himself out of the daze. “I’m sorry, your honor. What’d you say after that part about bleeding?”
“Never you mind. Let’s just git on with it. Let’s see here.” Judge Hangemall picked up some paperwork and examined it. “Says here that a one Dr. Menace is suing this Nuklear Man character for a quarter of a million dollars.” He slapped the paperwork back onto his big ol’ judgin’ desk. “Now that’s just crazy. I’m tired of these inflated…” he looked at Dr. Menace. She blew a kiss at him. “… Er, um.” He turned to Nuklear Man. “Guilty!”
“Your honor,” Count Insidious protested.
“What! Oh, fine. Let’s git this started already. Dr. Menace.”
“Pleaze, call me Veronica, Mr. Judgiepoo.”
“Veronica, you will not refer to me as ‘Mr. Judgiepoo.’ You will call me Judgey Wudgey.”
“Yes, sir. Judgey Wudgey.”
“Awww, shucks, ma’am. Ahem. The prosecution may begin its opening statements.”
Dr. Menace nodded to Count Insidious. The Count stood up.
“Count, what’re you doing?” Atomik Lad asked. “It’s their turn.”
“I know. I’m her lawyer too.”
“Huh,” Nuklear Man said. “With the odds stacked so astronomically against us, we can’t
possibly
lose! Brilliant strategy, Insidious.”
“Gah!” Atomik Lad banged his head against the table and whimpered incomprehensibly to himself as Count Insidious approached the jury.
“Ladies and gentlemen…and cat- and pig-people…and mutated cheese society of the jury.” He paused for impact. “We all know ‘Nuklear Man’ and his accomplice ‘Atomik Lad’ as world renown Heroes who have worked tirelessly for the past ten years to save the world from alien invasions, natural disasters, giant monsters, and criminal geniuses such as my client here. But it’s what you
don’t
know about this Heroic duo that they don’t want you to know! The dark secrets, the underhanded dealings, the secret motivations, the silent victims, the unholy pacts. I have evidence that Nuklear Man himself signed over his soul in a pact with an undead lord for services by the powers of darkness.” He turned to the flabbergasted defendants. “Why, I bet Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad
aren’t even their real names!”
The jury gasped and recoiled in horror. “Guilty!” El Puerko proclaimed yet again.
“Shh, not yet,” Count Insidious coached with a fatherly pat on the Savage Swine’s head.
“Oink. Sorry.”
Count Insidious continued. “In fact, these so-called ‘Heroes’ have committed numerous heinous crimes. From destroying your car, to dairy product regicide, to destroying my client’s Evil: Headquarters, worshipping Satan, killing puppies, and child pornography!”
“What!” Atomik Lad exclaimed.
“Quiet you,” the judge ordered.
“He’s just making stuff up now.”
“That’s not the point.”
“But he’s
lying.”
“Boy! This here is a courtroom. A place of law. Truth has no meaning here. Now sit down and shaddup before I find you in contempt.”
Atomik Lad sat down, muttering to himself.
“Sparky,” Nuklear Man whispered. “We're in court now. We have no voice, you silly person. If we just go around telling the truth, then it’ll confuse the lawyers’ muddled lines of reasoning. Now hush.”
Count Insidious went on, “I call as my first witness.…”
“Wait!” Atomik Lad protested.
“Now what?” Judge Hangemall demanded.
“This is his opening statement. He can’t call witnesses yet.”
“Hmm. I’ll have to take your word on that one, son,” Hangemall said.
“But Judgey Wudgey,” Dr. Menace pouted with a super irresistible helpless face.
“She’s got a point. Count, you may continue.”
“
What?!
She didn’t even say anything!” Atomik Lad protested.
“I dunno, Sparky. She makes a pretty convincing case. I think we might’ve done it. Mostly you though. I’ve always suspected you were a bad seed from day one.”
“Oh, spare me this mockery of justice!” Atomik Lad spat.
“Fine by me,” the Judge said with a few gavel blows. “What say you, men, women, cat-thing, pig-mutant, and cheese-folk of the jury?”
“Innocent!” El Puerko pronounced. “Er, I meant guilty!”
“Done and done,” Hangemall said. “Now I can git back to watchin’ that wrastlin’ show. You know the one. With them wrastlers!”
“This is ridiculous,” Atomik Lad said.
“Boy, you better watch that mouth or I’ll find you in contempt of this court.”
“I have nothing
but
contempt for this court!”
The Judge paused. “Yeah, I set myself up for that one.”
“Your honor,” Count Insidious said. “As their attorney, I can’t allow this kind of travesty to go unchecked.”
“Aw c’mon.” Hangemall whined. “Just one. More. Today.”
“Nope.”
“Oh, fine. Call your stinkin’ witness then.”
“Thank you. For my first witness, I call Dr. Veronica Lilith Menace to the stand!” he posed dramatically with the announcement. His aristocratic cape whipped in a wind that wasn’t there.
“Oh, he’s
good
,” Nuklear Man said.
“Me?” she asked innocently in order to firmly establish that this whole thing hadn’t been orchestrated ahead of time as some kind of master plan to destroy those meddling do-gooders Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad by using the very system of justice which they defend and promote on a daily basis—IRONY!
She sauntered up to the witness stand and took her seat with a seductive smile aimed at Judge Letgodsortitout.
Civil Defender stomped up to the Venomous Villainess and shoved a TV Guide in her face. “Do you swear to tell the blah blah blah?”
“Certainly,” she answered sweetly.
“Now then, Dr. Menace,” Count Insidious began as he dramatically paced across the courtroom. “Tell us, in your own words, which were not given to you by me last night before a very romantic and expensive dinner, exactly what happened last Tuesday.”
“Well, I waz sitting in my Secret Lab in my abandoned warehouze when all of a sudden, that man there trespazzed onto my property,” she accused whilst pointing to Atomik Lad.
Count Insidious gave a nervous laugh. “No, I think Nuklear Man began zapping everything in sight with those unnatural and dangerous Plazma Powers of his.”
“But that iz not what happened,” she said.
“Yes, but we’re not putting Atomik Lad in jail, now are we?” he said through a clenched smile.
“Ah yez.” She faced the jury. “What I meant to say waz that Nuklear Moron began zapping everything in sight. He totally deztroyed exactly two hundred and fifty thouzand dollars worth of my property with thoze unnatural powers of his.”
Count Insidious held her hand compassionately. “There, there little one. Try to put it behind you. Perhaps with a trip to some tropical island for a few months. One that has a booming night life to enjoy with your vampiric boyfriend. Who is me.”
“What iz even worze iz that I waz curing canzer when he deztroyed my lab. Now that all of my notez—and therefore evidence—haz been deztroyed, I cannot save humanity. That Nuklear Twit iz public enemy number one.”
Several members of the jury were in tears.
“Aren’t they laying this on a bit thick?” Atomik Lad grumbled.
“Snurk!”
Nuklear Man sobbed.
“Aw geez.”
“But it’s so sad!” Nuklear Man said with a shuddering whimper. He dabbed at his eyes with his cape. He moved to blow his nose on it, thought better of the action, and deposited the mucousy leakage on Atomik Lad’s shoulder.
Atomik Lad was frozen in Gross Out for a moment. “Thanks, Big Guy.” He cleaned his spandex with a nearby napkin which also happened to be well within reach of Nuklear Man. “And need I remind you that she’s just making this up?”
“Sparky! How dare you make such unfounded accusations?” the Hero remonstrated. “She swore to blah blah blah. I think she has more than enough integrity to uphold that.”
Atomik Lad rubbed his temples slowly. “I think the fact that I’m not insane is proof that I’m out of my mind.”
“No more questions. Your witness.” Count Insidious said to himself while walking back to the Heroes. He looked through some notes in his briefcase, again without touching them, turned to the Judge and said, “No questions for this witness, your honor.”
“What’re you doing?!” Atomik Lad blurt. “You’re just making things up out there!”
He smiled. “This is a courtroom. Truth is what we warp it to be. Besides, I wouldn’t worry.”
“She’s
lying
, you’ve got to ask her questions to show that.”
“Well, since she’s obviously a perjurer, then we certainly don’t want to stain our defense with her shoddy testimony. It’ll make us look bad. Trust me, this way is much better.”
“We’ll show that we’re innocent if we can prove that she’s lying!”
“Whoa there. Who’s on trial here, huh?”
“Gah!”
“Sparky, why won’t you trust Count Insidious? He’s got hundreds of years of lawyering under his cape. He knows what he’s doing.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Atomik Lad muttered.
Count Insidious turned to the Judge, “As I said, no questions your honor.”
Atomik Lad leaned back and stared into the ceiling. “This isn’t right.”
__________
Meanwhile, on televisions across the land, talking heads parroted all manner of inanity in lieu of content.
“The newest development in this week’s trial of the century of the millennium: Nuklear Man pleads guilty to charges of grand theft auto, credit card fraud, arson, poaching, murder, treachery on the high seas, public lewdness, bigotry, and destruction of property.”