“It would be a lot easier if he just didn’t do this in the first place,” Atomik Lad muttered as he helped Dr. Genius up.
She removed her goggles, put the calculator-ish thing in a pocket, dusted off her lab coat, and thanked Nameless Technician for his help. He began taking the equipment down.
Nuklear Man shot past simple attention and right into
Attention!
with his cape billowing majestically over his head. “You are not working with me!” he scolded before tossing it back over his shoulders. “Ha-ho!” Flex, pose, flex, smile, wink. “Let’s play doctor, baby.”
Atomik Lad groaned.
“Buzz off, Sparky,” the Hero whispered through an exaggeratedly toothy smile. “Things are gonna get freaky this time for sure. I can feel it!”
“Don’t say things like that.”
“Frea
kay!”
“I’m going to be sick.”
Dr. Genius laughed all the way to the access door. “You guys are too much. Now c’mon, we’ve got some testing to do.” She disappeared down the stairway. Nameless Technician followed her while clumsily carrying the portable magnetic generator equipment.
Nuklear Man did a giddy dance while Atomik Lad suppressed his gag reflex. “She wants me,” the Hero assured his old sidekick. “I can tell.”
“Nuke, remember our discussion about the real world and how it has nothing to do with whatever you’re thinking?”
“Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.”
“No, actually. I’m quite right.”
“Well, Mister Smarty the Smart, why do you think she keeps inviting us over to her place all the time?”
Atomik Lad walked Nuklear Man to the access door and down the stairs after Dr. Genius. “Maybe to perform the tests that she performs. You know, to measure the development of our powers, to determine their possible origins, to make sure we aren’t a public health hazard, and so forth?”
“Oh, naive, young,
naive
Atomik Lad,” Nuklear Man said while nearly stifling a chuckle. “Let me tell you one or two things I’ve learned about women in my time.”
“That’s about three more things than I would’ve guessed.”
“When she says ‘Hi’ she means ‘Yes.’”
“No, no, no, no.”
“Oooh! That means ‘Yes, give it to me now, Nukiepants!’”
“What the hell?! Were you talking to any frat boys while we were on campus?”
“Maybe.”
“Stop it.”
“That one’s ‘More, more, more!’”
Atomik Lad stopped them in mid-stride. “Okay, I don’t even know where to start telling you how very,
very
wrong all this is.”
“Because I’m right. See how that works? Now let’s move along, I’ve got a new choke hold I wanna try out.”
“
Gah!
No, look. Just, let’s play a game. Pretend they actually say what they mean.
Forever.”
“That doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun.”
“Trust me. It’s better this way.”
“We’ll see.”
__________
A few minutes later, in the neat high-tech supersecret testing labs of Überdyne’s Scientific: Sub-Basement 7, Dr. Genius checked a few Scientific: Printouts concerning the results of an automated weather machine while Nuklear Man and Atomik Lad stood around awaiting their tests. “Sorry to keep you boys waiting,” she apologized while flipping through the readouts. “But we’ve come across a rather embarrassing anomaly that produces cheeseburgers out of thin air instead of rainfall.”
“No problem, Doc.” Atomik Lad answered while scanning the decidedly science fiction interior of Überdyne. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear it was added in post production.
“I read you loud and clear,” Nuklear Man said while tugging at his spandex. “Darn it, how am I supposed to get out of this thing?” he muttered.
“Ack! Nuke, remember. Pretend.”
The Hero blinked dumbly. “Nnnyes?”
Grumble. “Pretend they mean what they say.”
“Ohhhh. Right. Pretend. Gotcha.”
Dr. Genius prestidigitated her supercool calculator-ish device from thin air once more and began pressing a series of buttons. “Let’s see now. Nuklear Man, last time we tested your strength using the Strongometer. The boys in maintenance are still building a new one so we can’t pick up from there today.” She scrolled through a list displayed on her handheld computer. “Ah yes. Why don’t we measure your tolerance to heat in the Heatomatic? This new test should coincide nicely with your energy metabolization data.”
“Lay it on me, honey.”
She laughed to herself and pressed several more keys. “Just step into the Scientific: Observation Chamber behind you and we can get started.”
“My kinda woman,” the Hero said and sauntered into the smaller room through the panoramic opening that led into it.
“The Scientific: Observation Chamber will be lined with a makeshift Negaflux field. I managed to retro-engineer a basic generator from some of Veronica’s notes,” Dr. Genius told Atomik Lad and the readers. “That way, we can continue to increase the temperature within the room without affecting the outside world. And since the N-field will completely contain all thermodynamic activity within the chamber, we should get the temperature to levels equal to that of solar fusion, just under 30 million degrees Celsius. In the event that we should have to get Nukie out of there in a hustle, the floor is designed to drop out and dump him into the room below. Thanks to another Negaflux set up there, we’ve managed to get it down to Absolute Zero in there without having to freeze the entire universe.”
“Isn’t that kinda dangerous?”
“Not at all, as soon as a little heat energy is introduced to the room, it’ll warm up a degree or two just like the rest of outer space and we know Nuke can handle that without a problem.”
“Ah, I—
gah!”
Atomik Lad hopped back as a computer console built itself out of the floor right in front of him and the good doctor. Cables snaked from it to the walls and another set of computers against the wall behind them, opposite the Scientific: Observation Chamber where Nameless Technician was making some notes on a clipboard and supervising the connections. “What the hell?” the sidekick blurted at the spontaneous technology growing around him.
“Prototype next generation Nanobots,” she explained while typing in her little computer. “They can turn the very air around us into the raw materials they need to replicate.”
“But don’t we need to breathe that air?”
“Oh, no. They only use things like dust, various pollutants, random particles of poisonous gas and the like. Once we rely exclusively on N2 technology for our construction needs, 99% of the world’s pollution should be taken care of within five years.”
“Neat. So, what’s gonna happen to Nuke?”
“We’re going to measure any effects the extreme temperatures might have on him by observing his Kopelson Intrinsity Field.”
“That Kopelson stuff still confuses me.”
“It’s not terribly confusing. Well, if you ignore the fact that the actual field manifests itself in twelve dimensions without occupying spatio-temporal coordinates in any of them. And that it stretches infinitely on both sides of zero. And that somehow all KI fields apparently transmit all their information to every other KI field in the universe instantaneously. But beyond impossible things like that, it’s quite simple.”
“Yeah. Simple. My thoughts exactly.”
“Intrinsity theory is based on three simple concepts, Kopelson’s Laws. One: Everything in a system has a tendency to be itself. That is to say, a system consisting of a volume of water will remain that same volume of water without experiencing any change if left to its own devices. Two: Introducing or taking away energy from the system is the only way to bring about change in the system. In the case of the water, adding heat energy to the system will turn it into steam while taking away heat energy will turn the water into ice. Three: The universe is a system, therefore it obeys the first two laws of intrinsity.
“Changes are constantly taking place. The water gains temporal energy as time progresses, its space-time coordinates are altered due to the Earth’s rotation and revolution around the sun, and the sun’s spin around the galaxy, and the galaxy’s movement through space. But these energies, the water, and all existence, are merely metaphors for the real action, the KI fields. It’s the KI of the heat interacting with the KI of the water that produces the KI for steam. So theoretically, if we can produce the proper adjustments to the right kind of KI sequences within an object, we can produce any desired effect as if by magic. The water could become steam without actual heat. Or an apple or an ocean.
“We could instantly teleport it to the moon, another star, or through time. We could make ice sink, make water boil at its freezing point. The possibilities for human exploration and learning would be limitless. If we can unlock the secrets of intrinsity, we can become gods. There will be nothing separating science from magic. I believe that superpowers are the first step to this ultimate goal. All of you alter reality in some miraculous way by nothing more than thought alone.
“And this is the final implication. Every KI field is unique, which is quite puzzling. Protons are supposed to be mathematically identical to one another, but in KI equations no two protons
are
alike. Mostly it’s just the organization of the information and probably space-time variances, but they are different nonetheless. There’s an infinite number of KI fields, all woven into one another, each affecting all the others constantly. So if we’re built from KI fields while living in a KI field, then inside each of them, there must be one key sequence of intrinsic information that is shared by everything in existence, like God’s signature on every piece of Creation. It’s the Golden Pattern, the answer to life, the universe. Everything. Research of Kopelson’s Intrinsity Theory is the most astounding and important endeavor ever imagined by humankind.”
“Feh,” Nuklear Man scoffed. “No mystical energy field controls my destiny.”
Rather overwhelmed, and completely ignoring Nuklear Man, Atomik Lad answered, “Wow.”
“That’s what
I
said. But, as for the more immediate concerns of today, I’m convinced that the secrets to Nuklear Man’s past, his powers, yours, and the other heroes are locked somewhere within those Fields. I merely have to sift through the common every day minutia to find the right sequences. Since the Field is infinite, the only way to do this is to prod the subject to see which sequences correspond to which physical attributes. That way, we can find what’s different, what’s particularly special about the KI Fields of you Heroes, and unlock that factor.”
“So that’s what these tests are all about.”
“Partially. We’re also gauging the range, potency, and versatility of your powers in order to better deploy you boys against disasters, which is the official press release reason for these appointments.”
“That makes sense.”
“Also, according to the Hero Act, we have to regularly inspect all of you to make sure your powers and mental conditions are stable so you won’t destroy half the city in a massive overload or an insane quest for vengeance against cheese or the like.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s just a precaution. You boys have incredible responsibilities. Not everyone has the mental and emotional fortitude for this line of work, you know.”
Atomik Lad’s gaze unconsciously drifted to Nuklear Man in the Heatomatic. “Yeah, I know.”
“And we have enough trouble with villains destroying half the city. The last thing we need is for our side to start helping them out.”
“Not to mention giant monsters from the sea. Hey, whatever happened to Angus? I haven’t seen him since you cleaned up and tagged the Crushtacean.”
“Oh, we kept him for further study.”
“Why?”
“Three reasons. First of all, he had the most, um,
contact
with Crushtacean so we’re trying to glean a few bits of information about the Crab that way. Second, he seems to be suffering from some kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He hasn’t so much as cursed since we brought him in. And third, his suit is on backwards.”
Atomik Lad expected, but did not get, an explanation on that third point. “Er, so?”
“Well, it seems that his Iron: Battlesuit has been turned around. The problem is, that’s impossible. The only way to turn it around would be to eject it and put it on the other way, but once the suit is ejected, the locks that hold it together are destroyed. The locks on his suit are unharmed and the ejection system was damaged and inoperative anyway so it’s a moot point. And besides, due to the suit’s design, even if he somehow got it on backwards, Angus simply couldn’t fit in it. There’s no possible way for the suit to be backwards, nor can we correct the situation because, as I said, the ejection device was damaged somehow. We’re messing with some physics in the hopes of solving Angus’s wardrobe problem while simultaneously perfecting a non-lethal method of messing with physics.”
“What’re we gonna do in the meantime without an enraged berserker warrior to patrol the city?”
“I’ve already taken care of that.” Genius smiled. “We have Fukazake Shiro, the Tetsu Samurai, all the way from Japan. He’s filling in for Angus until our little Surly Scot feels up to par again. “
“Who the what-what from where?”
“Fukazake Shiro, the Tetsu Samurai. I’ll introduce you.” She pressed a pin on her lab coat collar. “Shiro, please come to Secret Lab Omega in Sub-Basement Seven. Thank you.”
“I’m still lost.”
“I just put in an application at the International Dwarf Warrior Corps for a transfer. They tried to push Jacques LeWimpe, the Frilly Frenchman, on me but we can’t use one of those cheese eatin’ pushovers in our city.”
At that moment, a wall exploded with a thunderous “BONZAIAIAIAIAIAI!!!” as steel slashes flashed from an iron-blue dervish that towered to waist height. The Tiny Typhoon came to a halt in front of them, a mighty samurai warrior—or a scale model of one—stood before them.
“Atomik Lad, meet—”
“FUKAZAKEEE SHIROOO!!!”
the small samurai vein-poppingly yelled from his authentic looking suit of iron samurai armor complete with a really mean looking mask. He removed it, revealing a relatively light, friendly face made all the more friendly by his overly expressive eyes and big happy mouth.