Nothing to Lose (28 page)

He was clearly skeptical; his stance was still protective. “You've never respected my wishes with my daughter, Billie. Since we've split, you've undermined me and went against what I wanted.”

Even though what Porter said wasn't true, she wasn't going to bring that up. Before this ordeal started, she'd bent over backward to stay in his good graces regarding her time with Tara. But today wasn't the day to point out anyone's failings except her own.

“It won't happen again,” Billie promised.

“Apologies don't mean shit,” Porter said. “They're just words. You've threatened to destroy everything I've worked for. You threw so much bullshit my way. You think you can just come here and apologize and it's over?”

“It will be over,” she said. “At least for me. I can't answer for you.”

“And I don't want you to!” Porter snapped. “You play nice now, but next week you come back with another threat. Why would I believe you?”

“You don't have to believe me,” she said, trying to stay calm and not throw his mistakes in his face. “I just have to tell you the truth, and this is the truth.”

He threw his hands in the air. “I don't know what the truth is anymore. This is so fucked.”

Billie realized that Porter wasn't moving and letting her inside, so she decided just to go ahead.

“I feel awful, Porter. I really do. You may not believe me now, because I seemed so delighted at making you suffer.”

“You were delighted,” he said. “I saw your face. You were loving it.”

“I was,” she admitted. “You'd made things so difficult for me for a long time, and I'd always had piecemeal ways of getting back at you.”

“By destroying my career?”

“You'd threatened to do the same for me, Porter. Remember . . .” Billie stopped herself and took a deep breath. “That doesn't matter. What I did was wrong and I let it get out of hand. There's no excuse. I'm just going to ask you to forgive me.”

“The damage is done,” Porter said. “I've been reprimanded, Billie. I made a fool of myself and I think I ruined my promotion.”

Billie was surprised to hear Porter say this. He never, ever admitted he'd done anything wrong. Here he was admitting a role in his own demise. Maybe she wasn't the only person who was going to grow from this experience.

“I'll do everything I can to counteract that,” she said. “I promised to make sure Gil and I would sing your praises, and I'll follow through on that.”

Porter pressed his lips together and his brows furrowed. He seemed to want to believe her. His stance loosened as a few inches of space now existed between him and his front door.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked.

“Because I've lost everything,” she said. “I know, that's not when it's supposed to happen. I should've known before what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't. I'm not perfect. But seeing Tara run out of that restaurant, and standing there feeling like the most wicked, selfish person in the world, really hit me.”

Porter lowered his head, clearly upset over the topic. “She hates us both, if that makes you feel any better.”

“It doesn't,” Billie said. “I never wanted her to hate you. I know the role I played in this, hurting the person I love most in the world. But I'm grateful to her because it finally shook me awake.”

Porter finally let his body calm down. His shoulders lowered as he stepped aside and opened the door. Billie cautiously walked into the condo that she once called home. It was an emotional moment for her. It had been a long time since she'd been here.

“
This
is what my problem is,” she said, looking around.

“What about ‘this'?” he asked.

“I lost my fantasy,” she said. “The fantasy that we had and I never really got over it.”

Porter's eyes widened and a hopeful expression came over his face. “Are you saying you—”

“No,” she corrected immediately. “I'm not saying I want it back. I'm just saying I never got over losing it. I dealt with the pain, but not the anger.”

He rolled his eyes. “Can you just say what you're trying to say so we can get this over with?”

“I've said it,” she insisted. “I've apologized and promised it won't happen again. Also, I want to let you go.”

“Let me go?”
he asked. “What do you mean?”

“We failed,” she said. “We both failed and lost our chance at forever with each other. I didn't want to accept that, but it's true. I just wanted to blame you, but doing that forced me to hold on to anger and resentment. The further I got away from you emotionally, the more I had to see what was coming.”

“What?”

“That I'm starting over again.” She sighed, feeling emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of it. “That I'm over thirty and I have to start over, and I can't use what you and I had as a crutch to pretend as if I'm not back at square one.”

“So your plan is to ignore that we were ever together?” Porter asked. His eyes expressed a sense of pain at the thought. “We were married, Billie.”

“I'm not ignoring that.” She held her hand to her heart. “I would never want to forget our good years, but I'm letting it go. There's a difference. I shared my life and my hopes with you. I still share love for Tara with you, but you can't be a part of my life, my heart, anymore. It will only hold me back. I've got to start over and this is the first step.”

“This is about that guy, Michael, right?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No, this is only about me. I thought it was about Tara, and then I thought it was about you, and then I thought it was about Michael, but it's about me. Just me.”

Porter looked exhausted as his arms fell to his sides. His expression grew sad and Billie realized that she'd reached him. He got it. This was really over. After all of this time, it was over between them.

“I guess I have to say ‘sorry' too,” he offered, his voice choking a bit.

“You don't have to,” she assured him. “Not unless you really mean it.”

“But I screwed you over really good at times,” Porter said. “I admit it. I was an asshole to you after you left me. I was so angry that I lost you.”

“I was angry you lost me too,” she added.

“I'm still angry,” Porter said. “I look at you, Billie, and . . . Shit, I just fucked up my life when I cheated on you.”

“You did.” She smiled. “But you can fix it. You just have to move on.”

He was shaking his head as if not ready to accept what he had to do. “I'm supposed to live a life that doesn't include you at all? I'd prefer to have you in my life and trying to ruin it than not to have you in it at all.”

“No, you wouldn't,” she said. “You've been miserable. None of your relationships have worked since, because of it. Trust me, you'll be much happier.”

“What about Tara?” he asked.

“That's up to you, Porter. You know I want to see her. I love her desperately.”

“I know,” he said. “I've used that to my advantage too many times and look where it's gotten me.”

“It's gotten you a daughter who still loves you, even though you might not deserve it,” she said. “Just like me.”

He frowned as if trying hard to figure this all out, and Billie felt her stomach tying in knots. She'd been at such peace letting go of Porter and telling him so. But where Tara was concerned, her heart still belonged to the girl. That wasn't as easy. It killed her watching Porter now. It was only seconds, but it felt like several minutes to her. She waited patiently, not saying a word.

“I need time,” he said. “I need time to work on my relationship with her. I need you to stay away during that time.”

She nodded, feeling her heart flutter. “Whatever you want.”

“That might take a while,” he warned. “I've fucked things up pretty good.”

“We both did.”

“I'm not like you, Billie,” he said. “I can't do what you've just done. I'm not . . . good, like you.”

“I'm not good,” Billie said. “I'm just human.”

He shrugged. “So, what now?”

“You call me when you're ready to let me see Tara,” she said.

“What about work?”

“I can be professional,” Billie said. “You won't have any more problems from me. Can I count on the same from you?”

He smiled and nodded. “I'll do my best.”

That was the best she could ask for, and Billie wasn't going to ask for more. She couldn't control what Porter did; and from this point onward, she wouldn't try. She only could control how she let what he did affect her, and what she did in return.

After leaving Porter's apartment, Billie felt an amazing burden lift off her. She was amazed at how holding on to resentment weighed her down to the point where she could feel it physically. It was already a bright, sunny day out, but suddenly it seemed brighter. No, she wasn't stupid. She knew that everything wasn't as simple as one conversation, but she had crossed a threshold and felt like she was on the path to freedom now. She was walking into a world of possibilities.

The first thing that came to Billie's mind the second she stepped off the bottom step of Porter's building was Michael. Even though she'd known she wanted to be with him, with this burden behind her, she was seeing him in a whole new light. She was remembering all of the exciting moments and fun they shared and how he brought out passion, which was just pure and real. She felt great about herself when she was with him. He made her laugh and made her want to enjoy life again.

“Hobbies,” she said to herself. He'd said that one had to have hobbies in order to really be living.

“This is bullshit,” Terrell said. “I'm out of here.”

“You can't leave,” Erica told him. “I'm telling you, Terrell, this is not a game.”

Erica was grateful that she and Alex were able to get to Terrell before anyone else could. Alex had his number from Jonah's investigators. When Erica called him, she had a hard time getting him to understand what was going on. He denied having done anything, but he finally agreed to leave his apartment and meet her at the drugstore two blocks away.

Once there, Erica pulled him into Alex's car. He was angry at seeing Alex with her, but he didn't have much time to complain. Gratefully, Alex's mother lived only three blocks from the store. They quickly hurried him up there. Once inside, Terrell was growing increasingly angry, making it difficult for Alex and Erica to concentrate and figure out what to do next.

“But I didn't do anything!” Terrell said for the one hundredth time.

He was pacing the living room of the modest apartment. Erica could tell that he was scared enough to give up the street bravado. She wanted to reassure him, but she wasn't sure how to do it.

“Jonah thinks you did.” Erica was sitting on the sofa, trying to stop biting her nails off from nervousness. “We're just going to have to convince him that it wasn't you.”

“I don't even know what that website is,” Terrell said. “You know me, Erica.”

“It's true,” Erica said to Alex, who was standing in the archway between the dining and living rooms. “I didn't think about it before, because everything happened so fast, but Terrell wouldn't bother with a political gossip site.”

“What is this DNA evidence he seems to think you have?” Alex asked.

Terrell and Erica looked at each other. Erica shook her head and Terrell responded with a sigh.

“I guess I don't know,” Terrell said.

“What was that?” Alex asked. “That look! What the hell is going on?”

“We just need to figure out how to convince Jonah that—”

“I've brought him to my mother's house!” Alex yelled. “I have a right to know what this is about. I'm sorry, man, but there is no way you're a real threat to Jonah, not enough to make him want to break the law. You're both hiding something from me.”

Erica got up from the sofa and walked over to Alex. She could see how angry he was. She knew that she had to do something about it.

“Just calm down,” she said. “I need your focus, Alex.”

“Hey,” Terrell said, “I didn't ask for this.”

“Yeah, you kind of did,” Alex snapped. “Talking shit is considered asking for it.”

“Look, man!”

Terrell started toward them, but he stopped. They all turned to the dining-room table as his phone, sitting on top of it, rang.

Terrell looked from the phone to Erica, wondering what he should do. She gestured for him to see who it was and he walked over to it.