Nothing Stays In Vegas (11 page)

Two lines. 

I wanted, no, needed the stick to have two lines. I wanted it with a ferocity that drove me to walk to the counter despite my fear that the result wouldn't be positive. I picked up the stick.

Two lines. I blinked hard and focused.

Two lines? 

Two lines.

I'm not sure how long I stood there staring at the stick. Tears blurred my vision until the lines swarmed and melded. My hand floated to my belly and the rapidly dividing cells that would be my son or daughter and I smiled. A mom. I was going to be a mom. 

After a time, I left the bathroom, almost floating into the kitchen to find the phone. I had to tell Andrew. He would be so excited with the news. I dialed the number I knew by heart but paused before hitting the talk button. 

Would he be excited? We'd had conversations about having children, and of course we weren't using condoms but he hadn't been enthusiastic about the idea. Every time I brought it up he found a way to change the subject. And while he didn't shut down the idea the way he used to, I couldn't help feeling that he still hadn't totally warmed to the thought of a baby. 

I pushed the button that cleared the screen and dialed a different number. 

"Hello?"

"Nic? Guess what?" I whispered almost afraid to say the words out loud. "I'm pregnant."

"Lex? Oh my God, that's awesome."

"I know. I just took the test. It still doesn't seem real."

"How preggo are you? I mean, you must be
just
pregnant."

"My period is four days late, so..." 

"Wow, you guys don't waste any time do you?"

"It must have happened the night I got home," I said. 

Nicole was quiet on the other end of the line. 

"You still there?" I asked. 

"Ya, I'm just...it's nothing."

"What?" 

"Or, maybe it happened before," she said the words so quietly I had to strain to hear her. 

"Nic!"

"I know, I know." She was quick to apologize. "It was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything. Of course you were careful, it's just...forget it. A baby! I'm going to be an Auntie."

She babbled on about shopping, names and other things I only half heard. I flipped open the pantry and stared at the calendar that hung on the back of the door. 

Of course it was the night I got home. Or... 

I closed my eyes and put one hand on my stomach still hearing Nicole's voice in my ear talking about nursery colors. 

I was going to be a mom. That's all that mattered.

Chapter Nine

June 2010

There's nothing quite as satisfying as crunching up a bag of potato chips. I took a strange pleasure in feeling them splinter beneath my hands before sprinkling them on the top of the prepared casserole. Ben liked it best that way. 

Finished with the topping, I popped the dish in the oven and started on the clean up when I heard the back door open.

"Mommy!" Ben's voice rang out followed by his little body. Hurtling down the hallway, he crashed into me. 

"Hey, buddy." I scooped him up and planted kisses all over his face. "How was the zoo?"

"Awesome," Ben said and wriggled in my arms already wanting to be put down. He was getting too big for the hugs and cuddles I still wanted to give him. "We got ice cream and Papa said the bears were sad."

"Oh yeah?" I said and looked to Uncle Ray who had just come into the kitchen and dumped Ben's backpack on the table. "And why are the bears sad?" 

Ben looked up but it was Uncle Ray who answered, "I told him, the bears would be much happier if they were rugs on my living room floor."

I threw a dish towel at him. "You didn't."

"I was kidding," he said and bent down and ruffled Ben's hair. "You know I was just kidding right, Ben? Animals are better left in the wild, aren't they?"

Ben nodded and Uncle Ray shooed him into the living room.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," I said after he was gone. "You know Ben believes everything you say. He thinks you hung the moon, for god's sake."

"Don't worry about Ben. He's a smart kid. He'll be alright. Even after the public school system is finished with him." 

Growing up, it was only Uncle Ray and me and he was the only grandparent figure Ben had unless you counted Andrew's parents, which I didn't. Jeanette and Edward had seen their only grandson twice. They lived on the East coast, and despite the fact that they had endless amounts of disposable income, they never could find the time to come for a visit. I was thankful Ben had Uncle Ray, and thought of him as his grandfather and when he'd started calling him, Papa, no one corrected him.

"You know I like spending time with Ben," Uncle Ray said. "I've been to the zoo with him more times this year alone than I think I've ever been in my whole life. That kid cannot get enough of the animals."

"He loves it there." I turned back to the sink as Uncle Ray settled into a chair. "Thanks for taking him. It was nice to have some quiet time." 

"I love it," he said. "Do you know what he told me?"

"What's that?" I let the warm water run over my hands while I scrubbed the mixing bowl.

"He told me Andrew has never been to the zoo with him."

I turned the water off and busied myself with the washing. I knew what was coming next. 

"How could a boy who goes to the zoo as much as your child," Uncle Ray said, "never have gone with his father? How is that even possible?"

There it was. 

"Andrew's very busy," I said and put the last dish in the drying rack. 

"Lexi?"

I wiped the counter down, stalling. "Uncle Ray, I don't want to talk about it. He works very hard for us. So sometimes he doesn't get a chance to go to the zoo."

"Sometimes? Or never?"

"Sometimes." I turned around. Uncle Ray had his arms crossed over his thick belly. 

"Ben says he's never been."

"Why do you have to constantly criticize Andrew's parenting? It gets a bit old." 

His face changed with the edge in my voice and his hands came up in defense. "What's cooking?" he asked after a moment. 

I smiled, thankful for the change of subject. "Are you staying for dinner?"

"Depends," he said and pushed up from his chair to peer into the oven. "Casserole? Tuna? Is it healthy? You're a great cook, Lexi. But I can't deal with all the healthy crap."

"Don't worry, I put chips on top to up the artery clogging factor," I said and swatted him away from the oven. "You know you're staying, you love my tuna casserole. Besides, some healthier choices wouldn't be a bad idea you know. Didn't the doctor tell you to get your cholesterol down?"

"And how would you know that?"

"Sara Beth and I had tea last week. She told me about your test results."

"Women," I heard him mutter as I pulled vegetables from the fridge.

"High cholesterol is nothing to fool around with, Uncle Ray," I said ignoring him as I started chopping vegetables for a salad. "It wouldn't take much for you to make a few changes. Starting with tuna casserole." 

I tossed the vegetables into the bowl with the lettuce and put them on the table. 

"Whatever," Uncle Ray said. "There's nothing wrong with steak and potatoes. But as long as you're cooking, I'll eat your tuna. But I thought Andrew hated tuna casserole."

I turned away, but not before I caught the look on his face. He felt sorry for me. I knew it. He didn't have to say it. Andrew did hate tuna casserole, which is why I was making it tonight. He wouldn't be home for dinner. Again.

"How many times this week, Lex?" Uncle Ray asked, his voice was heavy with concern so I turned back and pasted the biggest smile I could muster on my face. 

"Third time. But he's working on a big deal." My excuse sounded lame even to my own ears, and my eyes flicked to the bouquet of flowers on the counter. 

Andrew's latest apology. They sat in my favorite vase.

"Nice flowers," Uncle Ray said following my gaze. "When I gave that vase to you, Lex, it was a symbol of love and commitment. The same thing it meant when I gave it to your mom and dad years earlier."

"I remember." Of course I remembered. The ceramic vase was a gift on my wedding day. My mother had loved it. I loved it. Andrew made a point to find me beautiful flowers to fill it. Lately those gifts seemed to be borne more out of guilt than love. 

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but I'm just going to say one thing."

I leaned back against the counter and braced myself. 

"A boy needs a father."

"A boy has a father."

"Not just in name," he said, "but in action too. Andrew needs to spend some time with Ben."

I opened my mouth to defend him again but closed it again. What was the point? Uncle Ray was right. Andrew wasn't a bad man. I knew he loved me, but when it came to parenting, he...well, he just wasn't around. There was always an excuse.

Even from the very beginning. Andrew wasn't excited when he found out we were pregnant. He didn't want to discuss baby names or nursery colors. I tried to ignore his lack of enthusiasm at prenatal classes, the marked differences between him and the other doting dads-to-be, but it picked away at me. When Ben was born, and I was consumed with four a.m. feedings, dirty diapers, endless loads of tiny laundry and all the other details of parenthood, I flourished with the responsibility while Andrew pulled further away. It never got better. Uncle Ray wasn't telling me anything new. I wasn't blind. Or stupid. 

"You deserve better, Lex," Uncle Ray said after a moment. 

"Andrew's a good man, he works hard for us."

"I used to tell you not to settle for a man who didn't treat you like a princess. Remember?"

I nodded.

"Well, I take it back."

I perked up. Uncle Ray never took back his words. Ever. 

"You shouldn't settle for a man who doesn't make you and that little boy in there," his face turned red and he jabbed a finger towards the living room, "the centre of his world. This isn't just about you anymore. If it was, I wouldn't say a word, but Ben is suffering and that's just not right."

I swallowed hard against the steel in his voice and waited for some of the color to drain from his face before I picked up the salad and walked to the table. 

"Calm down," I said and patted his hand. "It's not good to get all worked up. Especially over something that isn't an issue."

"Lexi-"

I looked him in the eye and as firmly as I could, I lied to him. "It's not an issue, Uncle Ray. I promise."

"Fine." He looked away from my gaze.

"Good, I-

"One more thing," he said and I had to fight the urge to sigh in frustration. "And I won't say another word about it. If you ever decide differently, just know that you have options. You're always welcome at my place. And of course there's always the lake."

My first instinct was to snap back with a sharp retort, but I swallowed it. The thought had crossed my mind. The idea of running away to Uncle Ray's lakeside house was more than appealing some days.

"And you'll never guess what I heard from Joe," he continued. "Remember Joe? He runs the general store, at least he did. You used to play with his girl, Enid. She runs the store now."

"I remember."

"Well, Joe told me last time I was up fishing with him that they need a teacher out there. Something about the principal and a teacher and...well, never mind. It's an option anyway."

That was the moment. The moment I could have told Uncle Ray the truth. I could have told him he was right, that I was unhappy and I wanted, no, deserved, more. But I didn't. Instead I smiled and squeezed his hand before turning and calling Ben for dinner.

Chapter Ten

I hated to do it, but two nights later I called Uncle Ray to ask for his help with Ben again. I had plans to meet Nicole for dinner, and Andrew had an important meeting. He'd only given me three hours notice, but I couldn't help but shake the feeling that he knew he wasn't going to be able to watch Ben as soon as I told him about my dinner date. He often encouraged me to go out but almost every time I did, I needed to find someone else to babysit. It was as if Andrew couldn't handle being alone with him. 

Couldn't handle it or didn't want to. 

And of course Uncle Ray had to change his plans with Sara Beth which not only made me feel awful but meant he was running late coming over which in turn meant I was running late to meet Nicole at the restaurant. 

I never ran late. 

But on the few occasions when I couldn't help it, I hated it. I jumped into the cab waiting at the curb and glanced at my watch.

It was after six. It would take at least another twenty minutes to get downtown, which meant I would be at least ten minutes late.

"There's construction on the freeway, Miss," the cabbie said from the front seat. "Okay with you if I take side roads?"

"Sure." Now I'd be even later. "No problem."

"I'll get you there as soon as I can. Don't worry."

I nodded and sent Nicole a text to let her know. In moments my phone beeped with a message.

NP. Got news. C U soon. 

If Nicole had news, she wouldn't want to hear about my concerns with Andrew. It's not like they were new anyway. She would just say the same thing she always did. She'd tell me to leave him. Life was too short and I deserved better. That Ben did too. I knew it all by heart, she'd said it so often. It was impossible to explain things to Nicole. How could I explain to someone without children that it was better for Ben to have a part-time, somewhat absent father than no father at all. And if I left Andrew, that's exactly what would happen.  

I looked out the window without seeing the scenery flashing past my window. Instead I replayed for the hundredth time the conversation I had the other day with Uncle Ray. I couldn't really leave Andrew and live at the lake. Could I? 

Lake Lillian was beautiful. Peaceful. Going to visit with Uncle Ray as a child I'd  always felt happiest there. And Ben loved it too. But to live? Without Andrew? I loved Andrew. But Andrew didn't love Ben.