Nothing Left To Want (31 page)

I lashed back. “Oh my God, no way, Herbert. You can’t tell me whether I can do this show or not. I am so fucking sick of you running my life, or I should say my non-life? Here’s a news flash for you Herbert. I hate L.A.. I hate this crap fest house your firm picked out for me. I hate the furniture. I hate Clara and, well anyway, I’m not happy but I’m going to get happy. Daddy will back me up so you can just ... ”

“
Oh I don’t think you will find your father is going to back you up as you say, Carolyn. And I am truly sorry if you are dissatisfied with your life in California, dear, and sorrier yet that you have chosen to blame me or my office for your unhappiness, since I can assure you that neither I nor my law firm enjoy wasting our time and talent on setting up the equivalent of a nursery, or maybe I should say 'nursing home', for a young woman with every possible advantage. If you’re not pleased, Carolyn, I suggest you sell your present home, purchase one more to your liking, and make the effort to furnish it yourself. Find a new assistant if you feel you can’t manage the important daily details of your life, such as where to obtain lunch and medication, and while you are at it, you might also go about finding something, anything to do with your time ... ”

“
Stop it, stop talking to me like this. You can’t, I … ” As always I lost control and the tears came and I was sobbing when I spoke. I could almost see him at his desk in Manhattan rolling his eyes. “I
have
found something to do with my time and it’s something I want to do. And if you know so much about how I’ve lived the last three years, then Clara must have been your filthy spy. You say 'get a house, sell a house, fix it the way you want it, Carey', well thank you, Herbert, thank you for your fucking permission but I don’t know how to do any of that stuff and I … I … well, I will figure it out … you’ll see, and I am going to take the part on
The Natural Life
… I am.” I finished weakly.

His return response was given laconically as though I wasn’t hysterical and he wasn’t angry, but he was, he was very angry. I could hear it, the rage just underneath his careful voice. “I certainly can’t stop you if that is what you choose to do. I hope the production company is giving you a large advance. Tell me, Carolyn, just how much are they paying you? I do hope it’s a great deal. It should be a great deal as its going to cost you a great deal. I’m surprised you are so anxious for this part since you surely can’t flatter yourself that it’s you they want.”

“
What do you mean? Of course it’s me they want. Otherwise how come I got the offer, and what do you mean, 'what it’s costing me'? Jesus, Herbert, stop being so fucking cryptic all the time and just say what you mean.”

He cleared his throat. “Fine, Carolyn, lets dispense with the pretense that I have one other thing to do with my time besides deal with your juvenile nonsense.”

“
Oh yeah, let's, Herbie, let's dispense, but before you unload the big guns on me, can I ask you something?”

“
Go ahead.”

“
Fine, I will. I wanted to ask you, Herbie, isn’t dealing with my juvenile nonsense or dealing with Daddy’s latest whore, or maybe calling a plumber for one of our backed-up toilets your job? Isn’t taking care of my family’s shit the only thing you do with your stupid hundred year old degree from Harvard?”

“
It’s Yale, and thank you for your kind assessment of my work for your family, Carolyn. We are not, however, discussing me, we are discussing you, and in answer to your earlier question, should you decide to allow yourself to be a part of this tasteless circus of a reality show, and should you allow the Kelleher name to become a byword for the ridiculous, then we, that is your parents and I, the trustees of your estate, will place an immediate freeze on your trust. The house you now live in, the home you claim to so despise that was purchased by your trust for some three million dollars, will be sold and the proceeds will revert to the said trust of which you will be denied access. Furthermore ... ”

“
Oh my God, there is a furthermore besides just making me homeless again and stealing every penny I have?”

“
Yes, I’m afraid so, though those would not be the terms I would use. I am afraid that your father is so distressed by this possibility that he may find himself unable to see or speak to you for the foreseeable future.”

I was silent, thinking. Daddy had not come to the airport to see me off when I had been exiled. He had not flown out once to see me in the three years I had been living here. He had only invited me back to see him once. My visit had consisted of a stilted dinner with him and Sarah, not at my former home. I had been put up in a hotel for my two day visit.

Sarah had been kind, Daddy had been nervous, clearly on edge that I would have one of my embarrassing, tearful, breakdowns and reproach him. We hadn’t spent one minute alone together and I missed him with every fiber of my being. I had continual fantasies about him calling me and apologizing for my time in limbo and asking me to come home.

I had taken out my anger on Herbert not because I thought he was doing this behind Daddy's back and without his knowledge, but because I knew he was only acting on orders and it hurt. I was mean to Herbert because I knew he didn’t care about me and because I couldn’t be mean to Daddy. I wasn’t secure enough in my father’s love to chance finding out if he cared for me at all anymore.

I didn’t even bother to consider or ask Herbert whether or not my mother had weighed in with an opinion on the show. It was doubtful that she knew about it. Hell, it was doubtful that she remembered I was still in L.A., or on the planet for that matter. She had called me a total of three times in three years and, on my brief visit home, she had been in Paris. When I spoke I knew Herbert would hear the defeat in my voice and be able to say to himself later on, 'Well done faithful servant of Caesar'.

“
Herbert … if I … well, if I say no to the show, do you think you could ask Daddy if I could see him? I … its been a long time, you know. I … I’d just really ... ” It was hard to talk, my throat was swollen so badly it hurt to swallow and I had to use both hands to hold the phone steady. “I’d love to see him.”

Herbert’s voice was softer when he answered. “I think you’re making a wise decision, Carolyn, and I know Kells will be relieved. I’ll tell you what. The football season is starting up and I know for a fact your father would be delighted if you joined him for a day or two at the Lions training camp. Would you like my office to make your flight arrangements or can you do it yourself?”

I drew in breath and bit down hard on my lip, tasting blood, the pain making the swaying room straighten a little. “No I … well I … I don’t know how to get plane tickets. Maybe you could ... ”

“
Of course, Carolyn, I’ll be happy to take care of it, and you, young lady, you’re going to be pretty busy as well, I imagine.”

“
Busy?”

“
Yes of course. Didn’t you say you wanted a different house?”

“
Oh yeah, I guess, I … yeah.”

His tone positively jovial with triumph, Herbert said, “I think that’s just fine, Carolyn. You should use Sotheby’s out there, excellent firm, and I don’t want you to concern yourself with waiting until your present home is sold. I think I can safely speak for the trust when I say that we will be happy to purchase any new home you find that suits you, within reason, of course.”

“
Within reason, yes of course, thank you, Herbert. So about Daddy … ”

“
Absolutely, Carolyn. Kells is my next call of the day. Carolyn, I think you will find in the long run that you have made the right decision. Family is always more important than any momentary pleasures that we might ... ”

“
It’s okay, Herbert, I get it. You don’t have to say any more. I’m sorry I was so ... ”

“
No, no, my dear, consider it forgotten. So I should rush off, Carolyn. Is there anything else you might want to ... ”

“
No, no thank you, Herbert, there’s nothing else I want. Have a good day. Good bye, Herbert.”

Shakily I replaced the cordless onto its handset. No, there was nothing I wanted. I looked around the ugly bedroom with its fake matching cherry furniture that Clara had picked out for me. There was a lot of dust. The daily maid whose name I didn’t know was apparently slacking off without Clara around. I guessed I should look into finding a new assistant, or maybe just find out the maid’s name and ask her to do it myself. I also needed to tell Milan that I couldn’t be a part of the show. I thought that wouldn’t go too well.

I was wrong. She took it easily, too easily. She just shook her head sadly, seemingly unsurprised, and kissed me on my forehead. “It’s all right, Careybeary. I wouldn’t want you to do something you weren’t comfortable with. Don’t worry, I’ll find someone.”

I didn’t bother telling her that I would have been comfortable, joyful even. I’m pretty sure she already knew that. Quiet and depressed, I thanked her and helped her pick up her scattered things as she had decided, after all, to stay with her parents. I didn’t blame her for that either. It’s uncomfortable to be around someone you can’t be honest with and I knew she wanted to be able to talk about her new venture, to be somewhere where it was okay to be thrilled, and she didn’t feel comfortable doing that with me. I know she didn’t judge me; she pitied me. She thought I was weak and pathetic, and if we had been able to talk, I wouldn’t have disagreed with her, but there are some things that even your best friend won’t say to you, even if she should.

Milan didn’t waste any time finding someone to replace me. I found out two nights later while watching Entertainment Tonight. The big haired announcer perkily shared the news that “Famed celebutante and heiress, Milan Marin, has asked Lyric Daniels, daughter of the legendary multi-Grammy winning Alan Daniels, to be her co-star and partner in crime on her new series,
The Natural Life.
The girls will ... ”

I clicked off the T.V.. Later Milan called me trying to sound apologetic, but I could tell she was excited. Her voice bubbled. “Careybeary, I have news, we just signed ... ”

“
Yeah, I saw it on T.V.”

“
Oh, oh well, I wanted to call you earlier but ... ”

“
Don’t worry about it, Mills,” I tried to laugh, “but you gotta tell me, who the hell is Lyric Daniels and where’d you find her so fast?”

“
Oh, God, Cares, you know. Lyric! You’ve met her too. Her dad’s an old friend of my parents and I ... ”

“
No, I don’t know her, I’ve never ... ”

“
Yes, you do. You met her the night you met Michael, remember, at Bungalow? She was with that horrible girl K ... ”

“
Karmen with a K. Yeah, sorry I forgot. Well she was really pretty and sweet. I’m happy for you, Mills, it’ll be huge. Listen I’ve gotta … ”

“
Sure, Cares, you must be swamped too.” Her voice lilted hopefully. “It’s pretty exciting, getting to pick out a whole new house. With the filming schedule and everything, I’m probably going to be living with my parents forever. Besides, who can afford anything decent out here?” She laughed. “But maybe not, huh? I might make a ton of money and then we can still get side-by-side mansions together, right?”

“
Right, Mills, that would be perfect. Okay, I gotta go. Love you.”

“
I love you too, Care Bear, and listen … ”

“
Yeah?”

“
Nothing, just it’ll be okay, you know. It’s like we used to say in school, it ain’t over till it’s over, right?”

“
Yeah, that’s right, Mills. Night.”

“
Night, Care Bear, sweet dreams.”

The night I met Michael, memories and regrets weakened my legs and I sat on my bed crying and stroking Petal for a long time after I hung up. It was dark, and when I reached over to turn on my bedside light, the bulb had burned out. I padded out to the living room to find the maid. Petal forlornly following me.

There was no one in the dim house. I opened the front door to look for the gardener but he was gone too. I found out later that without Clara around to pay them, they had eventually gotten tired of waiting and disappeared. Lonely and afraid in the dark house, I went back to my wrinkled bed and clutched Petal.

The next morning, before I could begin to pull my life together, Daddy called me. His beautiful voice sounded better than anything I had ever heard. He said he missed me and invited me to spend the week with him in North Carolina for the Lion’s training. He said he was sending the plane for me.

Smiling into the phone, I asked him if I could bring Petal because there was no one to leave her with. I told him my help had disappeared and he roared with laughter. He said to just get to the private hangar at Orange County, and by the time I got back, Herbert would have it worked out. I could have said no, that I wanted to handle it myself, but I didn’t really, and besides I had a plane to catch.