Not To Us (44 page)

I wanted to further explore the idea of two women who have been friends since college and subtly bring to light how this friendship has influenced their lives and their choices. I wanted to examine the other side of the relationship when something happens that tears them apart. In this story, betrayal was consequential and devastating. And then, it happens more than once! Ah, but the pattern is set in Carrie; isn’t it?

Check out the passage of Ellie’s inner dialog in the elevator (Chapter 16):

“Am I Carrie, now? I sway with the movement of the elevator. I close my eyes and try to think. I could never be Carrie. No one can. That’s the thing. Always. I could
never
be Carrie. I could never
be
Carrie. I could never be
Carrie
. I can feel the tears sting behind my eyes.
I can never be Carrie
. Now, I can’t even be
Ellie
.”

This is the epitome of Ellie. She could never be Carrie; this her biggest insecurity and began at the beginning of their relationship and set the pattern and the choices Ellie made for her adult life early on. Yet, what does Carrie reveal to her before Ellie’s about to marry Michael? Carrie felt she could never be Ellie. Carrie always knew Michael loved Ellie even while she was married to him.

Why did you approach the opening the way you did?

Some readers wanted me to change the beginning to better emphasize the confrontation of Ellie seeing Robert and Carrie together three weeks earlier when she first learned of their affair, but I think seeing how Ellie (silently) deals with this blow is more telling of her character. Her strive for perfection, her denial of reality, and even her guilt over her attraction to Michael are all revealed in that first chapter.

There’s something Michael says in the very beginning of the book that is all telling, too: “Because, now, you need someone more than ever. Someone who loves you more.” This reveals Ellie and Michael exceptionally well. There’s always been this secret attraction between them and now they are finally acting upon it, a big step for both of them. Yet, neither one of them would have taken it, if not for Robert and Carrie becoming involved first.

What about when Ellie leaves?

The story is from Ellie’s point of view and I really tried to show the mental breakdown that was taking place within her, while still writing in her point of view. Her thinking when she leaves Michael is not sound. She’s desperate, despondent, and spinning out of control. In her mind, she’s just lost Michael and feels she’s lost all of her wishes, except Emily and Mathew and, at this point, she doesn’t know how to hold on to the two of them anymore either. This is why she leaves.

Before long, she also reveals her feelings of inadequacy about Carrie which affects so many aspects of her life, including her relationship with Michael and her feelings for him. She’s running away from her life, grief, and cancer
—
all of her remaining fears, at this point. In Ellie’s mind, she’s lost everything, including herself.

Tell us about Court Chandler.

Court was a minor character in the early drafts. I didn’t even take their relationship all that far in the early versions of this story. But, he kept coming back to me with more to say. Court is young and successful, yet he yearns for something he doesn’t have and seems to find it in Ellie.

Ellie isn’t caught up in his status, power, or money. Court is attracted to her early on because of her naiveté; she doesn’t even know who he is. Then, when he finds out she’s heartbroken and pregnant, he has to help her because a family is something Court wants; yet, it’s missing from his own life.

Court’s engaging and charming, personifying an older version of the young sixteen-year-old Nick Bradford. This wasn’t intentional. It just worked out that way, once the story came together. It effectively explains Ellie’s attraction to him. Court served as a way for Ellie to deal with her grief and loss of Nick. On a subconscious level, he fulfills a void in her life for a while she never even fully realizes. There’s something innocent about their love for each other; it’s just like the first love between Nick and Elaina that Ellie recognizes early on.

The pivotal moment for Ellie with Court Chandler is his reaction to her when he finds out she has cancer. It is the complete opposite to Michael’s first response. It clearly shows the distinctions between these two men. Michael’s impassioned desire to save her is so evident from the very beginning in comparison to Court’s response, “I can’t go through that again.”

This was a defining moment for Ellie. It just took the rest of the story for her to recognize it.

What’s your favorite scene?

The scene between Michael and Ellie at the basketball game was fun to write. Everyone’s watching the two of them. Ellie hasn’t seen him for three months and her life has completely changed and fallen apart. Michael is this amazing man and the reader can already sense how he feels about Ellie from just this scene alone. I also loved when Michael showed her the beach house where he reveals he has bought the house for her and their blended family
—
Michael, the caretaker, as always.

What was most difficult to write about?

Chapter fourteen came out of nowhere and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It ended up being the turning point for the story. I kept asking myself: what happens when someone is focused on something threatening like breast cancer, but then loses something else? Writing this scene was so profound and heartbreaking; it changes the course of the story. It showed how tragedy can break up a family or affect someone so deeply that they experience a lapse in judgment or lose faith and trust in the ones they care about the most. It happens to Michael, and then, Ellie.

Next, all the scenes with Michael and Ellie fighting with each other or displaying their distrust were difficult to get just right. These are all from Ellie’s point of view and yet the reader has to understand what is going on with Michael as well. A lot of Michael’s personality comes through in his actions and what he does and doesn’t say; and then, there’s the whole Court Chandler angle. I didn’t want it to be the old cliché about being jealous of somebody else’s money and youth and it’s not that simple for Michael, even though he says this at one point. Ultimately, it is about who loves her most and Michael know this. He loves her enough to let her go, but Ellie has to see this and believe it first.

The overriding theme to the story is about Ellie and her ability to trust and love another person. She has to make a personal journey in self-introspection and learn to trust herself first, something she’s never allowed herself to do. Then, she needs to put her trust into Michael and their relationship. That’s the turning point at the end of the book after she says her final goodbye to Court and finally admits to Michael she needs his help and tells him she’s chosen him.

It’s more than words when she finally admits this to him at the end of the story. Ellie discovers the truth within herself in realizing Michael has always been there for her. It’s very powerful.

How about Kimberley Powers?

Kimberley Powers is one of my favorite characters. She has a minor role in
Not To Us
, but plays a major role in another novel of mine, called
Seeing Julia
. My favorite characteristic of Kimberley is the way she handles Court and even Ellie. In a way, she serves as a mentor for them both, clearly demonstrating how to stand up for what she believes in. Kimberley serves as a catalyst in calling out the relationship between Court and Ellie. She brings them straight back to reality when she finds out Ellie’s been missing her chemotherapy treatments and this revelation reveals Court’s insensitivity and his own character flaws.

What about Dr. Lisa Chatham?

Lisa serves as a loyal friend and a different point of view from a medical standpoint from Dr. Michael Shaw, the extraordinary surgeon. Lisa is not afraid of disagreeing with Michael or Carrie or even Ellie’s talented, but traditional medical team comprised of: Josh, Ben, and Tom. She’s honest and forthright and this helps Ellie in a way become her own person and decide what she wants.

I love the scene between the two of them on the phone when Ellie is trying to find out about the paternity results and Lisa is shredding her about ditching her at the office the day before.

Ellie says, “Can you…please…just be my one true friend…?”

This dialog begins to reveal the changes taking place in Ellie in recognizing who she can really trust. All her adult life, Ellie has had Carrie as her best friend. Yet, here is her newly-formed friendship with Lisa where Ellie already recognizes Lisa is her one true friend.

Can you talk more about Michael?

It’s complex; right? Michael was so great in so many ways. In early versions I didn’t let the slip-up with Carrie get too far. (
See?
I even protect him now with the word,
slip-up!
) However, the whole Ellie and Court liaison made it difficult to balance what was going on with all of these characters. I had to even out the score, as they say. Also, I determined that Michael’s going back to Carrie would be part of his pattern. This is a guy who is used to things going his way. He’s the brilliant surgeon, holding life in his hands each day, but when his world falls apart, he spins out of control, stricken, he reaches out to the familiar in a desperate attempt to get it back.
Carrie
. He admits to his mistake and shows Ellie in so many ways how much he loves her. I think that’s enough; don’t you?

≈ ≈ ≈

What’s next?

I’m working on other novels that I hope to finish in the next several months. I’m very excited about these stories as well and hope to provide updates as to their release on my website/blog (See below).

How can we reach you and drop a line about your books?

My website/blog is at:
http://www.katherineowen.net

Please stop by and leave a comment or two.

If you loved the emotional roller coaster ride of
Not To Us
with the touching moments and the relationships tested by love, trust, and fate, you should check out my award-winning novel,
Seeing Julia
.

Awarded the “Zola Award” and 1st Place in romance (women’s fiction) by the Pacific Northwest Writers Association July 2010,
Seeing Julia
has been described as compelling, gripping, and captivating. Just know it is a story with unexpected twists and turns that keeps readers riveted until the very end and is most definitely another emotional roller coaster ride like
Not To Us.