Not Ready To Fall (3 page)

Charlotte

Three weeks later...

Sitting in the bar on a Saturday night, I was laughing with my new cute friend, Hunter. We met at a mutual friends house, two weeks ago. Since then, we've hung out a few times. He didn't give me the feelings that Jack did, not even close. Jack and I had barely spoken since that morning. As much as it made my heart sink, there was no forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. If he didn't want me, that was fine, but I was done wallowing in my pity. He never gave me an answer as to why he acted the way he did, and I was done trying to drag it out of him. All I wanted was a little fun and someone to hang out with. As I sipped my passion fruit Mojito, yes I gave up Jack and Coke for now, I felt a hole being started into my back. Knowing exactly who it was, I leaned over and kissed Hunter on the cheek. Eat that, Jack. Hunter was easy going, worked in construction and was fun to hang out with.

Suddenly, Jack appeared standing between us.

"You're fired." He said and walked away.

My head whipped to turn and watch him. I wondered what just happened. I turned to look at Hunter.

"Apparently my boss isn't too happy with me right now." He rolled his eyes and got up to walk over to Jack's table.

Not wanting to get involved, I stayed put on my stool and watched. There seemed to be a heated discussion going on. Jack's hands slammed down on the table, making Hunter flinch. Surely the reaction wasn't about me, he's barely given me the time of day in almost three weeks. If he gave a shit, he would have reached out and said so. They had exchanged a few more words before Hunter started his walk back toward where I was sitting. His head was down and he didn't look very happy.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"I don't think we can see each other anymore." He tossed a few bills onto the bar and headed for the door.

My blood boiled. What the fuck did Jack say to have Hunter just leave like that? I rose from my stool and marched over to Jack. I was feeling pure rage geared at him. My heels clinked on the hardwood floors.

"What the fuck?" I spat at him.

"He's my employee," was his response.

"So that means he can't hang out with me?" My hands started to shake as anger took over.

"I don't think it's appropriate."

"You know what I don't think is appropriate? You fucking me over your kitchen counter, then giving me the silent treatment. It's been weeks, Jack. I didn't think you were interested anymore. I get it, you're Mr. Bachelor that doesn't want to be tied down. But guess what, I don't want that either! All I want is sex and someone to go out with sometimes. I thought we were on the same page then you slammed the door in my face. You don't get to choose who I see and who I don't. I'm not yours!"

I turned to stomp away, but the last bit of mojito I chugged before coming over here hit me hard and I went down. His hand reached out and caught me before I hit the ground.

"You're in no shape to drive. Let me take you home."

"I'll call a cab," I seethed. I shrugged his arm off and tried to get my bearings back.

"Good luck getting a cab 'round here at this time of night," one of his friends chimed in.

Grumbling, I knew he was right and Hunter was most likely at the county line by now.

"I'm not going anywhere with you. I'd rather sleep by the dumpster."

Next thing I knew, I was being flung over his shoulder as if I weighed nothing and hauled out the door. He opened the door to his lifted pickup truck and placed me in the passenger seat. I knew fighting any further was futile. He could outmaneuver me in every way, even while I was sober. I crossed my arms and started to pout like an errant child. Fuck him. He could take me home, but after that it was going back to how it was for the past three weeks.

Climbing into the driver's side, he turned the diesel engine. It roared to life as the radio started blaring through the cab. He reached to the dash to turn it down and looked over at me. Again, it looked like he wanted to say something. Instead, just like last time he sat there in silence as he put the truck into reverse and headed towards my house.

By the time we pulled into my parking lot, I wasn't feeling so well. The bumpy roads and lack of food had my stomach turning. As soon as the truck was in park, I was out and headed to the bushes to lose my mojito's. My heels were still on the floor of his truck. They were my favorite pair, so I had to hope that he would at least take them out before driving off.

His hands reached out and pulled my hair into a makeshift ponytail, as I heaved into the greenery. Much to my embarrassment and dismay, it kept coming. Memories of the first night we met flashed through my mind. Tears pricked my eyes. There was no reason this should be affecting me as much as it was. He was just a guy. There were plenty out there, but I knew from the get-go that he was different. I craved his company. It didn't mean I wanted him to love me, not right now anyway.

Once I was done, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and started walking to my front door. I needed mouthwash and to get away from him. He followed me.

"Thanks for getting me home and holding my hair. Sorry you had to see that."

I fished the keys out of my pocket and unlocked the front door. 

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

He stood there hesitating. "Please."

Fuck me. His green eyes looked so sad, and I was doomed to say no.

"Fine. But you're not staying long."

I flicked on the lights and made my way into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, twice, and swished my mouth with Listerine. When I came into the living room, he was standing there looking at the canvas pictures hanging on the walls.

"Feeling any better?"

"A little." Not giving a shit, I stripped out of my jeans standing in the hallway and tossed them onto the couch. I went and took a seat on my plush, gray sofa and hugged a pillow. "I'm fine. You can go now. I'm just going to watch some TV until I fall asleep."

"I was sort of hoping that we could talk first. I don't like how things ended. I don't know how to do this," he said gesturing between us.

"It was your idea to start with!" I practically yelled.

"I thought I'd be okay with it, but you leave me wanting more. It's scary, uncharted territory for me. I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not boyfriend material. I work like a maniac, I play even harder and I think you're just going to end up resenting me for not being who you want me to be."

"You're not even giving me the chance to find out. I told you I was good with the no strings attached thing. I'm trying to get my name out there in the interior design world and I end up working sixty hour weeks most of the time. I don't expect anything from you, but how you ended things isn't okay. You made me feel used, Jack. Like I'm not good enough for you. That's exactly how Owen made me feel toward the end of our relationship. No matter how hard I tried, he'd just shut down. I can't handle that. I know what I bring to the table and I deserve better than what you gave me. You scare me too. You're beyond alpha, you're completely all over the place, but something pulls me to you. I should be running the other direction as fast as I can, but I don't want to."

He ran his hands over his head.  "What are we doing?"

I sighed into the pillow, biting back a scream. "You're leaving and I'm going to bed."

His face fell. "This is it then?"

"I don't know, Jack. I'm not really in any shape to be making big decisions right now. As much as I'd love for you to fuck me six ways to Saturday, it's not going to happen. Whatever this is, is all over the place. Please," I couldn't finish my sentence because his lips crashed into mine. Demanding.

I knew I should stop him, but I didn't want to. It was so wrong, it was right. We were a disaster. A complete, utter, hundred mile an hour train wreck of blissful disaster. The way my body responded to the slightest touch made it even harder to think straight. I loved the commanding way he took my body and made it his own. How his calloused hands felt against my sensitive skin. My head was spinning from the alcohol, and him.

I was supposed to be in Jack rehab.

"Stop fighting it, baby. Just let it flow." His lips grazed mine and I was done. There was no going back. Clothes were being tossed and my back was on the floor before I could process another thought. His hand found my core. Gently, he used his thumb to work my clit. He could have just skipped that step, I was ready. When his eyes met mine, there was something different. Maybe it was lust, but whatever it was it scorched my soul. The need for him became inescapable.

"Fuck me," I practically cried. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than him.

"Gladly." He palmed himself, gliding up and down my slick heat before lining up at my entrance. Slowly, he ebbed forward while holding me in place. I wanted all of him, and I wanted it now. "Patience," he whispered.

Every inch was pure pleasure mixed with torture. Every nerve ending felt like a live wire. Every ounce of me craved him, his touch. The painstakingly slow pace was killing me. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, he thrust forward sending me spiraling into pure bliss. My back arched in ecstasy. His fingers slid up my ribcage finding my nipples while his tongue danced with mine. Each movement more deliberate and heightened than the next.

He flipped me over and started rubbing my clit sending me into overdrive. His other hand pressed lightly below my belly button making me lose control like he loved to make me do. I soaked him as he let out a deep, low growl. I felt him thicken as he pounded into me at a fierce pace, before spilling himself inside me. My body shook from the aftermath of the orgasm he'd just given me. Sex with Jack was intense. Very intense.

As the high wore off, reality set in. I wasn't ready to deal with it just yet. He picked me up and carried me to bed. Heading into the bathroom, he came back with a wet washcloth and went to work wiping me down before climbing into bed next to me. Pulling me to his chest, I drifted off to a place where this all made sense. Where we made sense...

Jack

I felt like an asshole. I never should have pushed her tonight. She was always occupying a place in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to push her out. She was infectious. The connection and chemistry we shared was something I'd never felt before, and probably would never again. There were so many reasons why I should be crawling out of her bed and sleeping on the couch, or better yet at home, but I couldn't bear to leave her. Not again.

The past three weeks had moved painstakingly slow. So many times I picked up my phone to text her, even re-reading old messages, but decided against it. She deserved more that what I was able and willing to give her right now. No matter how much she said otherwise, deep down I know she's looking for "more". I'm not in the market for that right now. I can't be. My focus needs to be growing my business, so I can get to a place where I feel like I can let someone into my life. I want to be the provider. I want to have kids, at least two. But, that's on hold until I get this bug out of my system.

Her small hand sat on my chest. I looked down at her angel's face and my heart skipped a beat. I still couldn't let myself pussy out. I had to remain strong. It was the only way my long term plan was going to work. The hardest part was she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. In the short time we've known each other, she's shown me love, acceptance, compassion, and even forgiveness.

Seeing her with Hunter tonight brought out my inner caveman. If I were a dog, I would have lifted my leg and marked my territory right then and there. Sure, I was much harder on him than necessary, but dammit she was mine. Well, she wasn't and right now I didn't want her to be, but I still wanted some sort of claim on her.
What the fuck was I getting myself into?

Again, I tried to convince myself to leave. My heart and my mind both told me if I left now, there would be no coming back. That wasn't a risk I was willing to take at the moment. She was so soft and warm. The way she responded to me was such a turn on. She was always tight and ready. The thought made my dick twitch.
Fuck. My. Life.

Moving her hair out of her face, I kissed her forehead and closed my eyes praying for sleep.

Charlotte

His phone didn't stop pinging all morning and I was about to get up and chuck it in the toilet. How the fuck did he sleep through it? I despised mornings. Especially ones where I felt hung over and groggy. Last night replayed in my mind and I wondered what version I was going to get this morning. Jack was sprawled out naked next to me. He looked so peaceful when he slept. If only he could be like that more often. I knew he was normally up early, so the fact that he was still sleeping shocked me. He was snoring away quietly and it made me laugh because he looked like a big stupid man-child. A good looking one, but the view of him right now cracked me up.

I picked up his phone and switched it to silent, before heading to the bathroom to pee and shower. Grabbing a towel from the linen closet, I started the water and glanced in the mirror. Mascara was smeared under my eyes and my hair was in disarray. Stepping into the hot water, I let it run down my back as I thought about Jack. Things with us were so complicated. It was hard to want to keep it going, especially given our not so excellent track record so far. Something about him always made me want to keep trying to hold on.

He was right, I was already beginning to want more, despite what I tried to tell myself. I constantly found myself wondering how he was, or if he was having a good day. He wasn't the overly emotional type, which made it even harder to try and figure him out. Something told me to run fast and far. That little voice in the back of my head telling me to end it and save myself from the heartache that was sure to follow.

Just as I was trying to finish collecting my thoughts, the shower curtain opened and he stepped in.

"You're ass is spectacular."

What usually felt like a big shower seemed tiny, since he dominated the space. Part of me wanted to cover up, the other part of me wanted him to take me against the tile wall. My mind was such a clusterfuck of emotions. He was like a wrecking ball to my mind. I couldn't think clearly while he was in my proximity.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" He asked. Instead of answering, I grabbed my towel hanging on the shower bar and stepped onto the bathmat. "So that's how we're gonna play it again, Char?"

"I'm not playing anything, Jack. Which is exactly why I'm giving you your space." I wrapped myself and walked into my bedroom. Riffling through my drawers, I grabbed a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt and dressed in haste before heading into the kitchen.

Pouring coffee into a mug, I exhaled a deep breath. I was acting like a nutcase. He was acting fine and I was putting my defenses up. It was easier to keep him out and keep my heart safe. We needed to stop this in its tracks. He already had too much hold over me. I decided to make him some bacon and eggs for when I broke the news to him.

He came out and sat at my breakfast bar in just his boxer briefs. Sliding the plate in front of him, he looked at me skeptically.

"Did you poison them?"

Rolling my eyes, "no. I didn't. I just figured I'd butter you up before we talked."

"If you're buttering can you at least make me some toast?"

I tried to unsuccessfully hold back a laugh, as I popped two slices of bread into the toaster.

"Jack, we're not good for one another. I think that's evident. I don't know if it boils down to it being the wrong time or what, but it's not good for either of us. I think for both our sakes that we just end it before it goes any further."

His face showed no emotion whatsoever. He shrugged indifferently and continued eating his eggs. I buttered his fucking toast and put it in front of him. He dripped egg yolk into his beard and I turned to hide the smug look on my face. I wanted to see how long it took before he realized it. I was also ready for him to vacate.

Jack

I had no idea what her fucking problem was this morning. Ever since I got in the shower with her this morning hoping to get lucky again, she's been acting like a raging bitch. This is the exact reason I didn't do the whole relationship thing. Her guard was back up and I wasn't going to put in the time to try and knock it down for some stellar sex. I'd have to get it elsewhere.

I put the plate in the sink and walked into the bedroom to retrieve my stuff and get dressed, so I could get out of here. I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurt a little walking out of her life again.

She stood arms crossed with her back up against the counter. I went and kissed the top of her head. "Take care of yourself, Char."

She turned her head away from me.

I walked out the door and out of her life.

Three months later...

After the last time we had sex, we made it about a week before we ended up back in bed. We had this gravitational pull toward one another. No matter how much we tried to fight it, it was futile. No girl did it for me like she did. We agreed to a strict benefits only thing. It became a once or twice a week thing. It had become a familiar, comfort thing for both of us. The emotion was removed completely. It was just two people with awesome chemistry using each other.

Sure, we were friends and I gave a shit about her. But, the reality was we were both trying to heal. She was a security blanket in a way. She never expected much, but I could tell it was starting to take its toll on her. I had just pulled out. She scooted up and covered herself with the sheet. A sheen of sweat covering her face. She was so fucking beautiful. She climbed out of bed and dressed in a hurry. It wasn't out of the norm, but something felt off. I thought back to the past few days to see if I could think of anything I'd done wrong. My mind came up empty.

I walked with her into the entryway, where she slid on her heels and grabbed her bag. She looked intently at me. She bit her lip and seemed to be hesitating.

"So, you'll be relieved to know I think it's time that I move on and find a boyfriend."

I felt a little blindsided, but I knew it was only a matter of time before she decided she needed more.

"I've enjoyed the time we spent together, but I need something with stability. Something with a future. As it is, we rarely see each other, and when we do it's just for sex. Don't get me wrong, it's been great, but I need more. I spend way too many nights alone and you're not ready to commit, which leaves us at an impasse."

"I guess you're right," I said, trying to hide my hurt. I'd spent the past three months trying to open myself up to the idea. It wasn't an overnight process. The next woman I committed to was going to be my future wife. No more games. If she was ready to move on, I needed to let her.

"Take care of yourself, Jack." She kissed my cheek and walked out the door and out of my life. Again.

Words were lodged in my throat, refusing to come out. Part of me wanted to chase her out the door, but the other part knew I needed to let her go.

I spent weeks trying to get over her after that night. I usually just ended up working late and winding up at the bar. We were quickly becoming strangers. I knew she'd gone out a couple of times with different guys because she'd post pictures on her social media. Those usually resulted in the closest thing to me getting a wrath or ending up broken. If I weren't so dead set in my ways, I would go to her and grovel, but that wasn't my style. At least not yet. I needed to clear my head.

I decided I needed to get out of here for a bit. I was going to take Zane's ashes and spread them in his favorite places. I spent two days getting stuff in order and left my best friend, Colt in charge. Packed as light as I could, just my backpack and necessities, I climbed onto my bike and took off. I headed up the coast to New Jersey. My dad's parents lived here and we'd visit in the summers. We'd always go to the boardwalk, ride the rides and get our fill of ice cream, funnel cake, and cotton candy. I missed them terribly. They both passed away about six months apart when I was a senior in high school. Zane always loved the ocean. We'd pick up girls, surf, build sandcastles, but mostly just be kids. I missed that time in my life. It was like we were so focused on growing up to do all the things that we couldn't, that it passed us by. Now, it was just me.

Just stopping for gas, I made it up there at sunset. I took my boots off and made my way onto the beach. The boardwalk was mostly empty and it didn't have the same liveliness that I remembered. A gust of wind came off the ocean as the waves crashed at my feet. The bottom of my jeans were getting wet, but right now I didn't have a care. I closed my eyes and just listened. Taking my backpack off, I scattered some of his ashes with a heavy heart. 

It was becoming realer that he wasn't coming back. I think in a lot of ways, I was in denial that he was gone. Even though I was the one to identify him, it still didn't seem real. Every life must end, his just ended way too soon. After I had my moment on the beach, I gathered my things and made my way back up to the bike. I tied my boots and went to look for the nearest bar.

It didn't take me long, they were everywhere. This one looked a little less hipster than the others. I made my way inside and took a seat. A pretty brunette bartender placed a napkin in front of me.

"Whatcha having, doll?" Her New Jersey accent was strong.

"Bourbon, neat. Please." I took some bills out of my wallet and placed them down.

I was thankful that it was relatively quiet in here. It was a weekday, but it was also prime season. Fall would be coming soon.

"You okay? You look a little lost?" She asked, setting my drink down.

Maybe some outside perspective could do me some good. Bartenders tended to make great therapists. "I've had better days. I'm Jack, by the way."

"Jenny. And haven't we all. I've been here since one o'clock. It's dead now, but the five to ten crowd is a rowdy bunch of bastards."

I laughed. "We used to spend a couple weeks here every summer growing up. Not a whole lot has changed."

Wiping the bar down with a rag, she smiled. "Not really. So what brings you back?"

"My brother died a few months back, he wanted his ashes spread across his favorite places. This was one of them."

"I'm sorry to hear that. You're a good brother for carrying out his wishes."

Just then my phone pinged. It was a text from Charlotte.
I'm drunk. I fucking miss you. You're going to break me. Leave me in ruins. I'm afraid I'll never be able to pick up the pieces. That's why things have to be the way they are. I fucking hate everything right now, including you.

I felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart.
Where are you? Do you need me to send someone to get you home safe?

I just got done telling you I fucking hate you and you want to send someone to come get me?

Yes. I want to make sure you're okay. You can hate me all you want. In a lot of ways, I almost deserve it I suppose. You haven't exactly made this a walk in the park either. If I'm being honest, I miss you too. :(

Where are you?

I'm not in NC.

Huh?

I'm on a little quest. Zane wanted to be scattered at his favorite places, so I'm off doing that. I needed to get away anyway. Please let me know if you need a ride and I'll have one of the guys come get you. I've had enough loss lately.

Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Have a good trip.

And just like that, silence. Jenny looked at me. I knew I should just shut up about the whole Charlotte thing. But, maybe as a fellow member of the female race, she might have some insight as to what in the ever loving fuck was going on in Charlotte's beautiful mind.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Girl problems?"

"You have no idea." I ran my hand through my beard. I knocked back the rest of my bourbon and pushed my glass forward for her to refill.

She filled it and came around, taking a seat next to me.

"Females are uncomplicatedly complicated. We have like ten different personalities. You just have to pick one or two you like and ignore the rest. I don't know you, but you seem like a nice enough guy. You're good looking, it looks like you work." She gestured at my hands.

"It's a lot more than that. I got out of a relationship about a year and a half ago. I thought she was the one. I spent five years of my life preparing myself to take the plunge, then just like that she was gone. I'm not sorry she's gone, but still. After that, I decided it was time to do me for a while. My company was doing well, but it started doing better when I threw myself into it one-hundred percent. I like going out and doing shit with my friends and not having to answer to anyone. Charlotte and I met the night my brother was killed. She's smart, gorgeous and this is going to sound lame, but she has a good soul. She never gives me shit. She only wants what I want to give. She's not a taker and in the time that I've known her, she really hasn't had a crazy episode. The thing is, right before I came here she decided she wanted more. I was slowly warming up to the idea, but when she told me, I just let her go and now she hates me."

She reached and put her hand on my forearm. "She doesn't hate you. In fact, she probably loves you. I was in a similar situation at one time. The heart wants what it wants. She most likely slowly fell in love and it hurts too much to hold on, so she felt the only way to make the pain go away was to let you go. Now, I can't decide what's best for you. It's hard to hold on to someone that you feel isn't holding on. She's scared. Think about if the situation were reversed, you'd feel pretty shitty. Here you are putting yourself out there and you're not getting much in return. It's like trying to run in cement. You're not getting very far. Now, I don't know if you want to give up your ideal bachelor life, or if you're just letting things play out. But, you need to make your mind up before it's too late. There's more than one fish in the sea and if she's a great girl, there's most likely a line of guys that would be happy to take your place. Just some food for thought."