He made it very clear to every man around
that he was the only man allowed to look at her with desire and
appreciation, and he didn't have to say a word. She flushed when
she thought about how he made her feel with those looks, it was
nothing like she felt when it was other men doing it. He didn't
make her feel like a piece of meat or an object, he made her feel
like she was precious, cherished, and yes, desired. Brian's desire
wasn't just for her body though, and that made all the
difference.
The doorbell rang and her heart lodged in her
throat, this was it, their first official date, no going back from
here. She grabbed the short-sleeved shrug she was contemplating and
raced to the front door, putting it on as she went.
"Wow, Aria…you look…wow. You are so
beautiful." She flushed under the compliment, unsure how to react.
He held out a large bouquet of wildflowers, she brought them to her
nose and inhaled the delicious sent.
"Thank you, Brian, these are gorgeous."
"Not half as gorgeous as you are, darlin'."
Her face went bright red, her heart tried to beat out of her chest,
and the butterflies in her stomach tripled in size. He never said
things like that so blatantly.
"Uh…I'm going to put these in some water."
She rushed to the kitchen to find a vase, and more importantly try
to calm her nerves.
She didn't know what these crazy feelings
were or what to do with them, she had never allowed herself to feel
attracted to any man, even Brian, but right now, there was no more
denying it, she was attracted to her husband. She knew that should
be a good thing, but she was still holding out on him, and every
day that went by added more guilt to her shoulders. She knew she
should just tell him everything and move forward, but a piece of
her was still worried it would be a deal breaker, though she was
less certain of it being one than she was on the day they got
married. She had hope now.
Shaking off her doubts she placed the bouquet
on the table and made her way back to Brian, who was still standing
on the front porch, leaning up against the doorframe.
"Hey, why didn't you come in to wait?"
He looked affronted, "What kind of a
gentleman goes into a lady's home uninvited? What kind of man do
you take me for, Mrs. Harris?" This had her shaking with
laughter.
"The same kind that dates married women,
apparently." Playing along, she smiled up at him and linked their
pinkies as they walked to his freshly washed truck.
"It's okay, I have her husband's permission."
He gave her a dimpled grin and a wink as he helped her into the
truck, though he was playing the role of a first date he was still
mindful of her issues and asked permission before touching her.
Brian gave a large—clearly fake—yawn and
stretched his arms, resting one along the back of the seat behind
her, careful not to touch her. Their first date had gone quite well
so far, they had pizza and wings, and were now watching the latest
horror flick. He left no trick from the
sixteen-year-old-boy's-first-date-playbook unused, and she was
ridiculously giddy about it.
She snuggled in as close as she could, though
the armrest made this more difficult, and pulled his hand from the
back of her chair and draped it across her shoulder. She never
would have been so bold with men before, but she knew it was up to
her to set the pace and make the rules; he wouldn't so much as
shake her hand without permission. Knowing this made her feel safe
and in control, two of the many things she'd never felt before
Brian came into her life, but it also made her uncertain of his
feelings for her.
He said he loved her, he flirted with her,
and she caught the look of desire in his eyes more than once, but
he never made a move to further things, never made any indication
that he wanted to touch her in more than just a simple gesture of
comfort, and never hinted at wanting to be with her more
intimately. Not that she would want to, of course, but it still
made her wonder if he even wanted her. Surely, it would be more of
a struggle to keep his hands to himself if he really loved her,
right?
While she'd never been in a relationship
before she knew many men and all of them had one made thing clear:
they had needs that needed filled. From the age of twelve she had
been taught that all men had the same needs and they would get them
filled one way or another, married or not. If they were attracted
to a woman, they would use her to fill their needs.
Brian had never made any indication that he
was struggling with this. That meant that either he wasn't
attracted to her, or he was getting them met elsewhere. She knew he
was attracted to her, she'd seen it in his eyes, so that meant…she
sat bolt upright and felt all the blood drain from her face. How
had this never occurred to her before? She knew Brian was different
in a lot of ways, but no man was that different.
"Aria, what's the matter, is this too gory
for you, are you okay?" Brian whispered next to her ear, she shook
her head furiously, she had no idea what was even on the screen.
She felt like her heart had just been ripped from her chest. She
knew she had no right to be upset, he was a man after all, even if
he was the nicest one she'd ever met, he was still a man with needs
and desires. And she was a woman refusing to fill those needs. Of
course he would be getting them filled elsewhere, she couldn't
believe how stupid she'd been.
Even so, the thought of the man that told her
he loved her every night in bed with anyone else was too much to
bear. She jumped to her feet and raced out of the dimly lit
theater, the sounds of chainsaws and blood curdling screams
following her out.
*~*~*
Frantically Brian raced after her, chastising
himself the entire time. Something about the movie had set her off;
he should have done his research and made sure there was nothing in
it that would be a trigger for her. Then again, everything seemed
to have that potential for her. He had no way of knowing what
exactly her triggers were, because she wouldn't talk to him. They'd
watched horror movies together at home all the time and she always
seemed to enjoy them.
He started going through the events leading
up to her running out as he started down the hallway to look for
her. She was snuggled up against him, his hand draped over her
shoulder, he had just plucked up enough courage to trail his
fingers lightly across her shoulder and collarbone when…oh no.
It was him. He'd been too bold and scared her
off, six months of building her trust and he'd blown it all in
fifteen seconds of not being able to control himself with his hands
on her silky smooth skin. She probably thought he was going to go
lower and push her into something she'd made clear she didn’t want,
not that he wasn't tempted, but he'd never do anything to make her
uncomfortable. Intentionally, that is, clearly, he had done
something to make her uncomfortable or he wouldn't be searching for
her all over the movie theater.
The door to the women's restroom swung open
at the other end of the hall as Aria came out and sunk down onto
the bench right outside of the door. He couldn't get to her fast
enough, he watched as her body shook with sobs. Lord help us, he
begged as he drew nearer to her, cursing himself for being such an
inconsiderate, selfish fool.
"Aria, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to scare
you off. I swear I would never do anything to hurt you, and I never
meant to frighten you. It was too much, I'm so sorry."
If she heard him she didn't let on, she just
continued to sob and ignore him.
"How about we go home, honey? I promise I
won't hurt you or touch you without permission in any way." She
didn't look up, but nodded and took his outstretched hand. This
surprised him as he was using it to gesture to the door and not
really asking for her to take it, he wouldn't after how careless he
had been with his hands just minutes before.
"Aria talk to me, please. Let me know what
you're thinking." She hadn't spoken a word on the way home, just
stared out the window until her heavy sobs turned into silent
tears, and finally dried up. She was now curled up on the corner of
the sofa, still not responding to him.
He hated himself right now, what kind of a
monster was he? He knew she had issues with being touched, he
suspected she'd been sexually abused and yet he still chose to take
advantage of the permission she'd granted him to touch her and
pushed it too far. He pushed it so far that he'd broken her more,
this wasn't his goal, he wanted to help her fix herself, and
instead he'd just destroyed his beautiful, broken girl even
further.
Tears started streaming down his own cheeks
and he moved to sit in the overstuffed chair across from her.
"Please talk to me. I can't stand seeing you like this, and knowing
I made you feel this way is killing me." She looked at him then,
all of her sadness and grief replaced with a fury he'd never seen
in her eyes before.
"I feel really stupid right now. I can't
believe I never realized it before. I knew men had needs, I told
you they did, I told you not to stay married to me so you could get
them filled. But you insisted you only wanted your wife, except you
never act like you want your wife. You never act like my no
touching rule is a burden. I don't know what I was thinking. I
don't even know why I'm upset, most men cheat on their wives, I
shouldn't be surprised. Of course it's not a burden for you, you're
getting it somewhere else. I know that's my fault, but it still
hurts, Brian, I thought you cared about me."
Brian had never been more confused. She
thought he was cheating on her? Where did that come from?
"You think I cheated on you? Why would you
think that? I told you I've never been with anyone and I never plan
to be with anyone else. That's the honest to God truth, Aria." This
just stoked her anger further instead of calming it like he'd
intended, she jumped to her feet and start pacing the living
room.
"Don't lie to me Brian, I know men cheat on
their wives when they aren't doing their duties."
"I'm not lying, I would never—"
"Give me a break, I was a prostitute for
twelve years—" she slapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide; it
was obvious she hadn't meant to let that slip.
Brian felt his own eyes go wide and he lost
all control of his jaw muscles as it gaped open. He just stared at
her as he tried to process this, she moved back to the couch and
curled up in a ball.
How could she have been a prostitute for
twelve years, she was only twenty four…son of a…it all made sense
now, the nightmares, the not wanting to be touched, the distance,
the mistrust of men. If she started prostituting at age twelve it
wasn't because she wanted to. Her dad had died when she was twelve,
someone must have forced her into it. He knew sex trafficking was
still a huge issue, but couldn't believe it was something that she
was dealing with on a daily basis, his heart broke further for
her.
"You started after your dad died. Someone
made you do it, didn't they? No twelve year old would choose that
lifestyle." She nodded, confirming his assumptions, but didn't look
up. So this was her big secret, the thing she was sure would make
her unlovable. He felt more tears stream down his face as his heart
broke more thinking of what her life must have been like for the
last twelve years.
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat
and spoke as evenly as he could. "Aria, I swear to you I have never
even thought about cheating on you, I understand why you would
think that way, but you need to know that the reason you didn't
know men like me is because we aren't the type to go looking for
women to sleep with." He tried to put that as delicately as
possible. "I love you, and that's why it hasn't been a burden on me
to wait for you. We need to discuss all that more, but that can
wait, you just need to know for right now that I always will be and
always have been faithful to you. Right now, I think we need to
talk about what happened to you." She turned to look at him then,
studying his face for what felt like hours, but in actuality was
less than a minute.
She sighed, "I guess there's no turning back
now. I didn't want you to find out this way…or at all. This is why
I'm unworthy of you, of your love, because of who I am, what I
did." She took a deep breath before launching into her story.
"I told you my mom died when I was eight."
She looked to him for confirmation, and he nodded, not wanting to
say anything to distract her from finally revealing her secrets to
him.
"What I didn't tell you is that my dad blamed
himself, it wasn't his fault, but you couldn't convince him of
that. After she died he shut down, he drank all the time and was
gone more than he was home. I became responsible for myself then,
that's when I learned to cook and use my mom's sewing machine to
alter my clothes to fit me longer, he rarely had enough money to
buy me new ones." He couldn't imagine an eight year old needing to
fend for themselves, no wonder she was so independent. The cool
formality in which she recounted her story was unnerving, she
sounded so distanced from it all. He supposed it was the only way
she could tell it.
"I was ten when I first met Uncle Jack." She
spat the name like it tasted rotten on her tongue. "He wasn't
really my uncle, both of my parents were only children, and both of
their parents were gone. Dad told me that I needed to call him
that, I didn't understand why at the time. I knew I didn't like the
way he looked at me though, it made me feel like I had bugs
crawling on my skin. And he stunk so bad." She shivered at the
memories, and Brian had to swallow back the bile that was rising in
his throat. He thought he knew where this was going, and he didn't
want to hear it, but knew he needed to.