New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (25 page)

BOOK: New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer

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And when people like Mike Brown walk in anywhere even 5 minutes late, everyone must roll their eyes and mumble FGT.

H
₂-NO

NEW RULE

There’s no such thing as smart water. Hollywood starlets and models are being photographed these days holding electrolyte-enhanced water called
smart
water. Because nothing reads
smart
like Hollywood starlets and models. You know how to tell if smart water made you more intelligent? You’ve stopped buying it.

Instant Replea

NEW RULE

You can’t chant, “America, you lose” at your trial, and then ask for another chance. Zacarias Moussaoui says he has more faith in juries now, and he wants to change his plea to not guilty. Sorry, Zac, that’s not how we roll here. If we wanted to give second chances to loons who scream death threats, we’d remarry Charlie Sheen.

Reign Check

NEW RULE

The next major destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You’ve earned it, buddy. Congratulations. Your presidency is officially a Category 5 disaster.

Seafood Dumbo

NEW RULE

If President Bush is going to keep visiting and revisiting New Orleans for photo ops, he must do so wearing a crawdad costume, playing the jazz trombone, and flashing his breasts every time someone throws him beads.

Semper Finally

NEW RULE

Now that they’ve been hit by a hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to call up President Bush, since he never really reported for duty back then. Get out your chainsaw, Mr. President! It’s brush-clearing time!

Situation Tragedy

NEW RULE

Leave
Star Trek
to the professionals. Now that there are no more
Star Trek
spin-offs on TV, desperate Trekkies have taken to filming their own episodes, complete with full-size sets, slick special effects, and their mother ruining every take by yelling, “Do you boys want to come upstairs for some soda?” Look guys, I admire your dedication, but if all you really want is to sit back and watch some elaborate, boldly-fictionalized fantasy unfold, turn on C-SPAN while some neo-con is justifying the war.

The Biggest Luger

NEW RULE

If you play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you’re not an athlete, you’re a weight.

Truck Off

NEW RULE

There’s no such thing as a light truck. Federal regulators this week proposed new fuel economy standards for light trucks effective immediately... in 2011. A light truck is kind of like a lite beer; it really isn’t that much lighter. If they really were
light
trucks, they wouldn’t have slogans such as “Like a Rock.”

Trumped Terror

NEW RULE

Being black and pissed off doesn’t make you a terrorist. It turns out those seven homegrown terrorists Alberto Gonzales bragged about catching in Miami didn’t have any plans, any money, any contacts... they didn’t even have a single weapon. I’m sorry, but if you’re a black man in the ghetto and you don’t have a gun, you’re just not trying. Only the Bush Department of Justice could find the seven guys in Miami who aren’t packing heat. So they had a plan to blow up the Sears Tower? Please, when I was 22, I had a plan to kidnap Loni Anderson.

Photo Credits

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Page 4: Top: no credit

Page 4: Bottom: Gregory BuH/AP Wide World

Page 6: Chip East/Reuters/CORBIS

Page 8: Gary Braasch/CORBIS

Page 13: Associated Press/AP Wide World

Page 14: Bill Frausbraun/AP Wide World

Page 15: San Shi/EPA/Landov

Page 16: Top: Duomo/CORBIS

Page 16: Bottom: Lucy Nicholson/ Reuters/CORBIS

Page 17: Reuters/CORBIS