Never Me (3 page)

I had lost my job tonight because of Jace, but it was totally worth it. I had taken advantage of my boss one too many times. He gave me an ultimatum, either be there or stay gone. It was time to move on anyway. Maybe this was an addiction. Maybe I was wrong to think it wasn’t. It had never come back to haunt me. I had never hurt myself or anyone else, unless they were stupid enough to confess, and so far so good. They were always attached, but it was always their decision. I suddenly envisioned myself in the Garden of Eden as Eve tempting Adam with the apple. I knew it was wrong. I knew it, but it didn’t mean I wanted it less. It was a fun game with a happy ending, the players always changed and it never got boring. Why was this so wrong? Why? I loved to share my body, to feel wanted, to feel good. I had never thought of a man more than a day or so after our encounter. I wasn’t incapable of loving a man. It just didn’t appeal to me … at all. I liked the control my game gave me. Flowers, candlelight, it was all so pointless when the end result was always the same: sex. All the candidates I had were cheaters and I was the temptress, which made me a hypocrite, but I would rather be the other woman than ever be the woman who waited. That would
never
be
me
.

Did I feel guilty at times? Yes. But I didn’t have the luxury of worrying about the backlash tonight. I didn’t have rent. I hardly had a dime to my name. My stomach rumbled and I took what little I had saved for the bills and went on a gas station run to fill my tank, using the rest to make the grumble in my belly turn into a small moan. I should charge for being a whore. Life would be much easier.

Jace was still fresh and I needed to figure out my next move. For now I had his memory to keep my thoughts occupied; his mouth, his lips, I could still see the red on my knees and faint teeth marks. I reveled in the soreness growing between my legs as I made it home and drifted to sleep.

“Dad, I need some money.” I gripped my cell with both hands and held it an inch away from my ear to save myself from his angry tone. I was still in bed and wanted nothing more than to hide from the world of bills I couldn’t pay, but decided to suck it up and make the call.

“Dini, not again! What the hell is it this time?”

“Dad, look, I haven’t asked in a while and trust me I wouldn’t unless I needed it. I don’t have rent.”

I could feel the inevitable lecture coming on. ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees’ or ‘You are old enough to take care of yourself.’ ‘When are you going back to school?’ and ‘My money is mine. How much of it I have is none of your concern.’ He was one of the most successful investment bankers in the country and worth millions. He had raised me to think for myself and told me my entire nineteen years that he ‘would not be footing the bill for my life’ and I ‘would have to make my own way.’ Instead, he surprised me.

“Dini, I have to make this quick. How much?”

“Sorry, Dad, a couple of thousand?”

“It’s your birthday in a week, Dini. I will ease your mind this once.”

“Thanks, Dad. I love you, and I am sorry I haven’t been around more.”

“I’m flying to France right now. I can’t talk, but as long as you’re okay. I have to go. I do love you, kid, but you know how I feel about you taking care of yourself.”

“I know, Dad and thank you for not lecturing me.”

“When are you going back to school?”

“Dad, I graduated.”

“WHAT?”

“I sent you the invite a month ago. I took the early walk last week. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.”

“Nadine, this was more than important for me to know! How could you not tell me?”

“I did, by invite. You should really get another executive assistant, Dad. Deidra is horrible.”

Deidra was my Dad’s current girlfriend and wanted nothing to do with me and everything to do with his money. Too bad for her my father was too smart to let her anywhere near it. He was new money and he was greedy with it. It was only after I had left home that his net worth had increased to what it was. We had spent years and years in a one bedroom apartment, both hating my absentee mother and scraping by. He had finally decided that he was done with the way of life he detested so much and worked his ass off to get to the position he was in now.

I missed the dad he was. He was attentive, caring and always around. He could make a dozen eggs into a million different dishes. I was thankful for the time we had nothing; at least then I had him around. He was a good father. No, he was a great father, but his job was done and I didn’t blame him for enjoying his success or wanting me to have my own; though I did resent his new fortune for keeping me away from him.

We never vacationed when I was young. Oklahoma was the only place I had ever known. He was taking these amazing trips while I dined on gas station food. I knew why. I saw the struggle he went through to keep us afloat. He knew money was fleeting and was not delusional about the fact it could go as quickly as it came. He wanted me to be ready for life, for whatever came my way.

Most parents would hand their children whatever their heart desired if put in the position. My father knew that I would only appreciate my success if I worked for it. I finished high school at fifteen and started college immediately after. I earned a full scholarship, but pissed it away having fun like any teenager would, forcing my father to pay tuition when I decided to head back.

I am a very smart whore.

“I’ll take care of you, Dini. Think of this as my graduation gift as well. Have some fun. I am so proud of you, you deserve this… wait … just a second… Honey, I have to go. It will be transferred before takeoff.”

“Thanks, Dad. I love you. Call me when you get home?”

“Love you too, Dini. I’m so sorry I missed it.”

“It’s okay, Dad. Have a good trip.”

I waited ten minutes before checking my bank account on my laptop and gasped.

“Impossible.” I took another step forward and took another look at the amount. Yesterday I had six dollars, today I had sixteen thousand.

“FUCK ME!” I laughed and clapped, giving myself a moment before I immediately paid every outstanding bill I had. I wrote a check for three months’ rent and slipped it into my landlord’s apartment. I was FREE! Free of debt, free of worry, free of having to find a job for at least a month. For the first time in my life I had money, freedom, no obligations and not a soul to share it with. I ran across the hall to my best friend Rory’s apartment and pounded on the door.

I had met her a month after I first moved in. I was just coming home from another one time rendezvous and saw her panicked face as she looked through her purse, desperately trying to find her keys.

“Fuck it all! Fuck damn shit piss hell!” she screamed as she pounded on her door.

I was at the top of the steps and had to stifle a laugh as she kicked at her door then slumped down in front of it, a hopeless expression on her face. She met my eyes and gave me an ‘I am screwed look’ as she shrugged her shoulders.

“Locked out?” I said, finding my door key and glancing back at her. “Sorry, that’s obvious. Or maybe someone won’t let you in?”

I turned to fully face her as my door opened. She had on a glittered dress and high heels. I liked her already for her filthy mouth and fashion sense.

“No,” she giggled. “I live alone. That was a horrible display of ‘I am drunk with a huge side of PMS.’ ”

This time I laughed out loud with her. After an hour of conversation and no real solution to her problem at four A.M., I invited her to sleep at my place until she could call our landlord.

That was two years ago.

I stood at her door now, pounding relentlessly.

“What the fuck?” I heard on the other side.

“Rory, open up!”

“Nadine, it’s fucking eight thirty in the morning. You know,” she said, opening the door as she finished her sentence, “I just went to bed!”

“Sorry,” I kissed her cheek and ran inside. “I have great news!”

Irritated, she shut the door to face me, wearing only her thong and t-shirt. She was an adorable brunette with pink streaked hair, huge tits and a little body that didn’t quite support them, though she supported herself with them. A whore with a stripper best friend, cliché enough for you?

“What? What!” she put her hands on her hips and gave me the evil eye.

“Pack and take a few days off. I’m taking you the hell out of here.”

“What? Weren’t you just banging on my door two days ago asking for money for gas?”

“My dad gifted me some money for graduation and I want to take you away … somewhere, anywhere, a road trip.”

“I can’t just leave. I have a job.”

“You are a stripper. I know it doesn’t come with a vacation package, but can you not take off?”

“I have bills and good for your dad. He’s a dick and it’s about time he helped you out.” Her bitchy demeanor did very little to convince me she wasn’t considering it. We both desperately needed this.

“No, he’s not. I haven’t really told him how I struggle. He has no idea. It doesn’t matter. I’ll pay your rent for a month. Come with me. I’m leaving today.”

“You are crazy!” she said, pacing her apartment. I could feel her excitement at the possibility.

“I need to get away… I need this time to not … be me. Well, to be me but somewhere else. I want to be someone else for a few days, I guess. Please?”

It didn’t take much. She put in a few calls and by sundown the car was packed and we were on the road.

“You know where we’re going yet?” She had packed three huge bags and was stuffing the third in the back seat, due to the lack of room in the trunk. I shook my head as I watched her struggle.

“Rory we’re just leaving for a week. We aren’t moving.”

“You never know. If I meet
him
, I am liable to drop everything.” She winked as she finally got the large tote in with a heavy breath.

“You’re not leaving me here to wither away, sister,” I said, adjusting my seat as she made her way to the front.

“Never,” she promised as she buckled her seatbelt. “So where to?”

“The ocean. I’ve never seen it. It’s all I think about when I think of leaving this shithole.”

“Florida?”

“Florida!”

“You know how crazy this is, right?”

“I know living to pay your bills is way crazier. Let’s have some fucking fun before our skin turns gray and we rot.”

“Agreed.” I looked over to see her excited—more excited than I had seen her in months. Rory was my rock, my best friend, the only girl who understood me and what I did, loving me for who I was: another promiscuous girl who used her body for what she needed. She understood and never judged me.

She popped open her camcorder and pointed at me while I was driving.

“Day one with the craziest bitch to ever come out of Oklahoma. Where will we end up?”

I looked at the camera with a full smile and answered, “Florida first. Next is anyone’s guess.”

“Nadine goes to see the ocean take one.” She closed the camera and turned to me, a dazzling smile lighting her face.

“What’s it like?”

“The ocean? It’s like smoking a joint in a hot tub. It totally relaxes you.”

“I’ve never smoked a joint. You know that.”

“Another first we will endure on this trip.”

“I don’t think so, sister.”

“We’ll see.”