Never Giving Up (Never #3) (31 page)

Leaving the hospital the next morning couldn’t have been more difficult. I got up early then broke every parenting book’s rule and woke up my sleeping baby simply to nurse her. I desperately needed that connection to her before I walked out that door. It did occur to me that I was being overly dramatic and emotional, but I was only four weeks post-partum and leaving my new baby in a hospital to testify against the man who tried to kill me. So, the emotions were warranted I supposed.

Porter laid on his uncomfortable bench/bed, elbow bent, hand propping up his head of sexily rumpled hair, and watched me cuddle Mattie as I fed her, telling her how much I loved her and that I would be back before she knew I was even missing. I wiped a few tears away, trying not to cry, wanting to be strong.

Porter confided that he was secretly looking forward to feeding her a bottle for the first time and then I broke down at the thought of missing it. Eventually, I knew I was delaying the inevitable and needed to leave. I kissed Mattie and let Porter kiss me senseless and tell me he loved me more than anything.

I left my little family behind and walked down the hall, through the hospital, and out the doors, crying the entire way. As soon as I found where Porter had left my car, I got inside and forced myself to calm down. I told myself repeatedly that Mattie would be fine, that she probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone. I dried my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

The day from here on out would be taxing and I had to prepare myself for a different kind of emotional drainage.

One thing I did find some unexpected joy in was dressing for court. It had been months since I’d worn anything besides maternity clothes and yoga pants. I found myself smiling when I realized I could take more than a two and a half minute shower because Mattie wasn’t in her bouncy chair right outside the door. I took advantage of my aloneness in that moment and took the shower I’d been dreaming about for a month: long, hot, soapy, and quiet.

I found a gray pencil skirt made of a fabric that had a little stretch, accommodating the part of my belly that hadn’t gotten the message that I wasn’t still pregnant, and paired it with a soft lavender button up shirt. I marveled at the fact that my feet fit back into my high heels, and even remembered how to put my hair in a French twist. Putting makeup on was like riding a bike, like I hadn’t missed a beat.

When I was all ready I looked in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. I looked pretty damn good. It wasn’t the same body I’d had a year ago, a had a few curves that were slightly bigger, but I still liked what I saw. I liked it enough to snap a picture on my phone and send it to my husband.

Not too shabby, huh?

I smiled, knowing he’d like it.

I headed back into Portland, grabbing a coffee which I desperately needed as it had already been a full day, but it was really only seven am at that point.

When I made it to the courthouse, I was focused on maintaining the outer appearance of being calm, when on the inside I was positively frightened. I thought that if I could at least convince the people walking on the street next to me that I was calm, cool, and collected, it would somehow become true. I turned to start the haul up the tall stairs that led to the entrance of the courthouse and heard the unmistakable sound of my sister’s voice.

“Hot damn, Fella! There’s no way you had a baby a month ago!”

I looked up, surprised and truly amazed to see Megan and Kalli waiting at the top of the stairs, both smiling down at me.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked as I made my way to them. At the top of the stairs, I hugged them both, instantly grateful for their surprise appearance.

“You don’t think we’d let you do this alone, do you?” Kalli said, smiling and running her hand down my arm in support. Blame it on having a new baby, blame it on her schedule, blame it on a million things, but I hadn’t seen Kalli since the day we brought Mattie home from the hospital. I didn’t realize it until that moment, but I had missed her terribly. When Mattie had been taken back to the hospital last week, Kalli had been out of state working, but called and texted us daily, checking in, being as present as she could be.

“I guess that was a stupid assumption on my part,” I laughed. “Where’s Mom and Dad?” I asked, looking to Megs.

“They’re at the hospital with Porter. We wanted to split our support. Dad might show up here after lunch,” she shrugged. “Depends on Mom.”

I gave Megan a strange look. “What’s up with Mom?”

“She’s torn. She wants to be here for you, but she’s not sure she could sit and listen to you tell the story of how you almost died. Plus she’s worried about Mattie. She’s just being a mom, I guess,” she said almost flippantly, trying to downplay Mom’s emotions. Megan didn’t realize now that I was a mom, I could understand Mom’s dilemma.

“Well, I’ll be fine, so Mom should stay with Mattie.”

Megan smiled. “I’ll let her know.”

We walked into the building and continued through metal detectors and had our bags searched. My lawyer was waiting for me and approached me as soon as I made my way to the courtroom.

“Good morning, Mrs. Masters. I’m glad you decided to be here. I know it was a sacrifice for you and short notice. These things happen.” He reached out to shake my hand, giving me a rough smile.

“Let’s just hope it’s not all in vain, Mr. Donaldson.”

“Surely not. Here is how the day will look. Trial starts at nine, we have opening statements, and then we will begin presenting evidence. We have a few witnesses, you included, and the defense has the opportunity to cross examine every one. When we’re all through with the prosecution, it will be the defense’s turn to present. They, too, will more than likely call you as a witness and then I will have the opportunity to cross examine.”

“Do you think Jason Ramie will testify?” I asked, suddenly curious if I was going to be gifted with his side of the story.

“If his attorney is smart, no.”

I felt a little deflated at his answer. I wanted to hear what he had to say, how he planned on explaining away his guilt. “How long do you expect the trial to last?”

“Depends on a number of factors. If the evidence is presented concisely and the defense is prepared, we could wrap up the first part of the trial today. What could take the longest is the jury’s deliberation. It’s really anyone’s guess when it comes to jurors.”

I must have looked worried because he placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a short squeeze before dropping it. “Once both sides have rested, you won’t be needed any more. After you’ve been questioned by the defense you will be free to go. But you’re welcome to stay if you’d like.”

“I suppose I’ll wait and see how I feel.” I leaned closer in to him, dropping my voice to a whisper, not wanting everyone in the hallway of the busy courtroom hallway to hear my next question. “How do you suggest I deal with pumping?” I tapped the black bag hanging from my shoulder containing my breast pump. I would give up nursing my daughter for the day to be here, but I wouldn’t risk losing the ability to nurse all together.

Mr. Donaldson didn’t miss a beat and answered my question with the same professionalism, which I couldn’t have been more thankful for.

“I’ve made the judge aware of your needs and she’s agreed to recess the court every two hours to allow you the time you need.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I looked to Megan and Kalli and they were smiling back at me. So far, this was all sounding doable. Mr. Donaldson excused himself from us, promising to return closer to nine. I turned to the girls and we stood in the hallway chatting, waiting for the trial to begin. I pulled my phone from my purse, hoping to check in with Porter before I was unavailable for who knew how long. I saw I had a few messages from him and I immediately panicked, furiously clicking on the screen to get to the messages that I was sure were going to inform me that something terrible had happened in my absence.

Hey Hot Momma ;)

His response to my picture made me smile and blush a little, finding myself a little more than glad that he found me attractive. The other messages were simply pictures and if I were being honest with myself, they were the most adorable pictures that would not have ever been taken had I not left Mattie alone with her daddy. The first was Mattie wearing the University of Oregon baseball cap that Porter sometimes wore to work when it was hot outside. It was huge on her, obviously, but ridiculously cute. The next photo was of her, still wearing the baseball cap, with the television remote rigged to look like she was holding it. It came with the text,

Taking after Daddy already.

I laughed at the picture and the caption, mostly because it was funny, but also because the implication that Porter ever really just sat around and watched TV was laughable.

Adorable. Enjoy your daddy and daughter bonding time. Mr. Donaldson thinks I could be done with the trial today if everything goes well. I’ll keep you updated.

Kalli and Megan did their best to keep me occupied until it was time to go into the courtroom, but I was too anxious to appreciate their efforts or laugh at their jokes. I gave them a few smiles when I thought it was appropriate, but my mind was meandering between my testimony and my family back at the hospital.

When it was finally time to head into the courtroom, Mr. Donaldson indicated for me to take a seat behind his table to the left of the aisle. I was flanked by support, Megan on my right and Kalli on my left. The courtroom was surprisingly empty. I don’t know who I expected to be there, but it definitely wasn’t the media filled circus that my overactive imagination had whipped up. A few minutes later, Dr. Andrews from OHSU and Dr. Evans, my psychiatrist,
both came in, and a moment after that Detective Dillard entered, talking with the head investigator from Lincoln City. All four took seats on the same side of the room as me. It was weird seeing them all together like this, as if my life for the last two years was sitting here, getting ready for a replay. Although, the most important people, Porter and Mattie, were noticeably absent.

On the other side of the aisle sat a woman and a man, both who looked to be in their forties. There was one other person there, seated behind the couple, a man who appeared to be in his twenties and seemed like being there was in inconvenience to him. He kept checking his phone and bouncing his leg up and down.

Suddenly the doors opened again in the back of the room and the men who had deposed me walked in. I recognized them as Jason Ramie’s defense team. My pulse spiked and my breath caught in my throat. This experience was quickly becoming all too real. I had wanted my chance to do my part, my chance to defend myself, my opportunity to prove to myself and Jason Ramie that he couldn’t take everything from me. But now I felt as if maybe I had been too careless in my evaluation of my abilities.

Simultaneously, both Megan and Kalli grabbed one of my hands with theirs.

“Breathe, Fella,” Megan whispered in my ear. “We’re right here. We’ve got you.”

I nodded, my eyes glued to the floor beneath my primly crossed ankles.

After that, everything happened quickly. The doors were closed, the bailiff entered, the judge came in, and then Jason Ramie entered the courtroom. He had been kept in a separate room, still in custody of the Portland Police, and was hand cuffed when he entered. I forced myself to look at him and was pleased when the sight of him didn’t send me into a tailspin of emotion. It made me nervous when they took his handcuffs off, but I was calmed slightly by the fact that the police officer was never more than three steps from him.

I noticed the couple sitting behind him, who earlier seemed out of place, now looked desperate to touch him. There was compassion in their eyes, love. I figured they must be his parents. Suddenly I felt a new and unusual emotion towards Jason Ramie. I felt sorry for him. I felt sadness for him. Somewhere along the line of his life, he had made some really terrible decisions and enormously cold-hearted mistakes, but he was once someone’s little boy. The people behind him, his parents, looked broken.

Ugh. Unconditional love came with the highest of highs and the deepest, darkest, coldest, valleys of lows.

I tried hard to pay close attention to the proceedings, but my heartbeat was racing and my mind kept flittering to Porter and Mattie. Both the prosecution and defense teams gave their opening statements—short and sweet introductions as to how they were going to prove the other totally and completely wrong. There was lots of talk of alibis, testimonies, firearm ballistics, medical mistreatment, and circumstantial evidence.

After about an hour of listening to Detective Dillard talk about the bullet pulled from my shoulder and how it had matched the ballistic fingerprints from bullets fired from the gun found on Jason Ramie’s person at the time of his arrest, Mr. Donaldson addressed the judge and called his next witness: me.