Naw Much of a Talker (13 page)

Ye see, ah says, that’s whit ahm sayin the hale time. Ye dont like ma stories, whitivver way ah tell em, cos ye’d rather think aboot problems. Whit ye still hivnae got but is: ma
stories ur part ae me. Ah cannae take them aff, like an auld shirt. Ah dont tell stories fur the sake ae it, ah tell them in an attempt tae keep up. If ah kidnae tell them, life – makin sense
ae it, anyhoo – wid be beyond me. Know whit ah mean, Regi?

She wis like that: a dunderheid, ah wis. She hidnae said nuthin against the stories. Ah jist didnae want tae unnerstaun. That wisnae at aw whit she meant. Did ah think she wis speakin cos she
liked the sound ae her ain voice, or whit? Naw, ah knew exactly whit she’d meant.

Then ah wis like that: naw ah didnae, naw ah didnae know, ahd like tae but, an’ kid she mibbe explain it again, ah aye wis a bit slow on the fuckin uptake.

An’ she gave it: there wisnae anythin concrete. It wis mair general. It wis aboot me showin mair willingness tae listen tae her. An’ takin her an’ whit she wantit tae talk
aboot mair on board.

An’ then ah gave it: wis this a pre-emptive strike, or whit, oan her part? Wis she tellin me ahd tae be a better listener jist in case – at some future point – she wantit tae
tell me summit?

An’ at that, she disappeared in a puff ae smoke. An’ ah sat oan. Frustrated. Sad. Livid wi masel. Despairin, pretty much.

Followin day, we travelled back. Same way we came. Fuck-all tae write hame aboot but.

Since ah got back fae Spain, an’ that’s a fortnight ago awready, ahv been in a bad way. Regula’s been a bit withdrawn, as if she wis embarrassed by the
familiarity ae bein oan holiday thegither, or wis still bearin a grudge fur aw ma drivel that final evenin.

She’s moved ootae Buddy’s place, aye. She tellt me but that that wis atween her an’ Buddy an’ naw tae go thinkin it hid owt tae dae wi me. Anyway: she noo needed some
time tae hersel an’ tae find herself again eftir aw that hassle.

That’s fine so it is. Ahm naw uncomfortable wi that. Oan the contrary: ah think it makes sense fur her an’ Buddy tae separate. Buddy isnae the right man fur someone like Regula.
That’s whit ahv aye said an’ aye will say. Stuff like that ah kin put on repeat. Honest.

Whit ah am uncomfortable wi, is the story wi the hoose. Ah mean, c’mon, how did that wee cunt – Stofer – hiv tae tell me a loadae bollocks aboot his uncle
an’ fuckin inheritance? Whit wis the reason fur inventin a fuckin uncle? An’ hoo much dis Uli know?

At first, ah wantit tae go straight tae Uli an’ tell him ivrythin Valentin hid tellt me. Then ah minded but: Uli wis still wi they farmers. An’ whit’s mair: fur the first time
in ma life, ahd the feelin ah kidnae trust the cunt a hunner percent.

Whit dae ye want tae drink, Goalie?

Lime blossom tea, please.

Lime blossom tea?

Jist jokin.

Very funny. Not.

Ye dont hiv tae think it’s funny, Regula. Ah think it’s funny, kinda. An’ that’ll dae me. Even jist the thought ae orderin a lime blossom tea’s pretty funny.

It wid dae ye good anyhow. Noo tell me whit ye dae want. There’s ither folk wantin tae order.

A coffee wi schnapps in it, please.

Ahm very sorry tae hiv tae say it: Regula’s gettin oan ma tits suddenly but. Ah still like her, dont get me wrong, ahv the feelin but she’s gettin tae be annoyin.
Naw, it’s true. Ah like her, at the same time but she annoys the fuck ootae me, explain that yin if ye can, that’s the way it is but. Whit ah like is the serious side ae her. Her inner
calm. Whit annoys me is exactly the same things. And whit’s mair: sorry, but ah let her stay at mine, ah took her oan holiday, an’ wur still naw an item. She still behaves as if we knew
each ither tae see, jist. Ye ivver seen the like?

Look who it is! Goalie! Whit ye daein here? Ah thought ye wur barred?

Hi, Paule. The ban’s been lifted. Ahm oan probation noo. That right, Pesche?

Pesche disnae answer. Probably thinkin ahm tryin tae provoke him. Ah want the exact opposite too. Ah want us two tae be a bit mair relaxed in each ither’s company again. Fur a landlord,
Pesche’s as wary as fuckin fuck. If yir as wary as Pesche is, ye’d be better aff bein an auditor or school inspector or daein some joab like that. If ye want yir ain pub but, it helps
tae like folk, ah widda thought.

Paule orders a Café Hag wi two Assugrin. So: a decaff. A coffee that isnae coffee wi sugar that isnae sugar, tae be exact.

How’s life itherwise, Goalie?

Naw bad, thanks. Yirsel?

Awright, aye.

Tell me summit, Paule. How long ye been a postie awready?

Me? Since ah did ma trainin. Let’s see, that’s fourteen year awready. Why ye askin?

Simple. Ahm surprised, jist.

Know summit, Goalie? Ivry time we meet, ye hiv a go at me cos ahm a postie. Dae ye even realise yir daein it? Yir aye haverin oan aboot us posties or the post office. Hiv ye a problem wi us, or
whit?

Ah dont know masel. Mibbe ah shoulda joined the post office an’ aw. When ah left school.

Ye’d hiv hid tae smarten yir act up, if so.

Sock it tae me, Paule. Go on, sock it tae me. Yir right. Anither thing but: did wee Stofer naw use tae work fur the post office an’ aw?

Martin Stofer? The wan that’s sae slim, ye kid nearly fuckin smoke him? When he done his military service, he used tae hide behind his machine gun, apparently. Super-thin, he wis, even in
they days. But aye but: yir right. He also worked fur the post office. Started a year or two eftir me. He wisnae a postie but. A counter clerk, he trained tae be.

There we hiv it.

Hiv whit?

Nuthin, ah jist said there we hiv it cos ahm right. Cos ah knew Stofer trained wi the post office.

D’ye know why he left back then?

Naw. Go on but – tell me.

Paule hesitates, looks roon, then speaks a bit mair quietly: word hid it, his arithmetic wis a bit too original. Know whit ah mean?

Wis he a gangster back in they days even?

Shoosh! Naw sae loud, Goalie. Ah dont know any mair than that. The wan thing ah dae know is: it wis said back then he wis embezzling. Naw huge amounts, as faur as ah know. Still but. They
confronted him wi it. He admitted it. Wis fired oan the spot. Wis tellt tae leave. An’ that wis it: end of.

He wisnae charged?

Faur as ah know, naw. Ye know but: it takes a lot fur someone in the post office tae be charged. Ah know ae wan colleague who wis supposed tae deliver letters. Ye might naw think so, it’s
a sensitive job but: ye nivver know whit kinda letters yir cairryin roon. There kid be money in wan ae they letters, or summit else important. Okay, so this colleague’s goin up Hinterbergweg
wi his delivery cart. There wis shitloads ae snow, so hawfway up, it occurs tae him he kid leave the cart at the side ae the path an’ jist cairry the letters he needs. Wur naw allowed tae dae
that but, ye know? Wur naw allowed tae leave the letters unattended. That’s totally standard practice, it’s a question ae responsibility, as ye learn right at the start ae yir trainin.
Anyway: while the postie wis deliverin his letters, a snowball fight started. Next thing, schoolboys wur takin cover behind the guy’s cart. The ither boys bombarded them wi snowballs. Course,
aw these snowballs landed in the cart. Postie didnae notice till later but, by which time aw the fuckin letters wur soakin fuckin wet. That wis nae trivial matter, Goalie. Guy works oan an assembly
line these days. Whit ahm sayin is: even if it wis a huge deal an’ he wis redeployed internally, he wisnae charged. Jist like Stofer wisnae later.

Whit dae ye say, Paule, will we hiv anither coffee? Wi schnapps, of course. – It’s oan me.

Wi schnapps? Ah shid go easy on the coffee, Goalie. Ahv a delicate stomach. It runs in the family, ma faither wis the same.

C’mon, that wont matter. In a guid coffee wi schnapps, there’s hardly any coffee anyhoo.

Paule’s still a bit wary still. He’s probably feart ahm goney hiv a go at him.

Regula, can ye get me two coffees, wi schnapps in them. Pit a loatae love into it but eh.

We carry oan talkin furra guid while, the postie an’ me. Ahv the feelin the hale time he wants tae tell me summit important. Pesche, the landlord, his an eye oan oor
table throughoot. Regula’s lettin oan she’s busy. The clock above the bar – wi advertisin fur fuckin Cinzano oan it – stopped a long time ago. Noo the postie whispers:

D’ye know who wis workin oan the same counter as Stofer back then?

Oot wi it, Paule. Mon, oot wi it, ma son.

Paule looks roon the lounge, sees the landlord’s naw there any mair, lowers his eyes tae look at the table, then says sae quietly ah kin hardly hear him even if he’s whisperin
straight in ma ear: Pesche.

Yir kiddin!

Tellin ye, Goalie. Ahm naw feedin ye a load ae shit. He wis part ae it an’ aw, back then. That scam. The two ae them thegither, Stofer an’ Pesche. They wur caught an’ thrown
oot. Part fae that, nowt happened tae them but. The post office didnae want any scandal.

Pesche an’ aw? Ye sure, Paule?

Hunner percent.

Anither two coffees, Regula, wi a bloody guid dash in them. Be sae kind, eh?

We talked fur anither bit. Aboot nuthin at aw. Paule then left at some point an’ ah stood up tae go an’ aw.

Goalie, we goney see each ither at some point? Regula asks.

Any time ye want, ah said, pleased she wis askin whit ah wantit tae ask but didnae dare tae.

Whit ye daein themorra?

At ma work till lunchtime.

Ahm off in the evenin. Kin ah come tae yours? Aboot six?

Course ye can. That’ll be great.

Ah said ma goodbyes, pit ma jacket an’ scarf oan, pulled the zip right up an’ headed hame.

At hame, ah got the hoover oot an’ the cleanin stuff an’ freshened the place up a bit. Ah cleaned the bathroom an’ aw. That needed it maist. Then ah took a
blank piece ae paper an’ wrote a few things doon. Nuthin spectacular. Ah jist wantit tae sort oot ma thoughts a bit. Whit’s goin oan wi Pesche? Where dis Pesche staun wi Uli? An’
wi Stofer? Who exactly dis the hoose in Spain belang tae? Whose money did wee Stofer use tae buy it? An’ whit his the French guy tae dae wi aw this? Those wur the kindae questions that came
intae ma heid an’ that ah wrote doon jist. Wi’oot any idea ae when an’ how ah wis supposed tae answer them.

When Regula arrived the next evenin, the place looked brand new, jist aboot. She noticed an’ praised me. Ah wis glad she wis in a better mood wi me. Ah wis determined naw
tae haver oan sae much. An’ tae gi’e her a bit ae space.

So c’mon, tell me, Regi, howz things?

Nuthin ootae the ordinary. Things ur awright. Ahm livin at ma sister’s place fur the mo. Ahv tellt her aboot you an’ oor Spanish trip, by the way.

Mibbe that wisnae such a guid idea.

How naw? She wis pleased fur me anyhow. An’ guess whit the best bit wis? When ah tellt her aboot you, ahd the feelin ah know ye much better than ah thought. Ah talked an’ talked
an’ ma sister wis listenin, aw intristit, an’ suddenly she wantit tae know how folk call ye Goalie. That’s when ah realised ah didnae know masel.

Ahm asked that aw the time.

Yiv nivver tellt me. The only thing ah know is: yir real name’s Ernst. Naw that any wan oan this earth calls ye Ernst. Jist as well, by the way. The name Ernst totally disnae suit ye cos,
firstly, yir almost nivver earnest. An’ secondly, absolutely nae way is Ernst the right name fur a member ae oor generation.

Hey, hang oan! Ernst isnae a bad name. Ernesto wis Che Guevara’s name, even.

Ernst disnae suit ye but.

So Goalie suits me better?

Obviously. It’s better than Ernst anyhow. Anythin wid be better than Ernst, tae tell the God’s honest truth. How dae they call ye that, Goalie?

It’s a long story.

Tell me it but. Please – Wiv plenty ae time.

It’s naw as intristin as ye mibbe hope.

Disnae matter. Ahm in the mood fur listenin.

Ye know Uli, right?

That wisnae the best way tae start, obviously. Regula screwed her mooth up as if she’d just eaten summit bitter. She didnae say anythin. Ye didnae hiv tae be an expert but tae notice she
didnae think much ae Uli.

Ah know, Regi, ah know. Uli’s reputation isnae the best. An’ tae add tae that, he’s in some kinda temporary low at the mo. That disnae alter the fact but that he’s ma
auldest friend. Uli an’ me grew up thegither. An’ that coonts. A loat.

Ah think yiv tellt me that before.

Then mibbe ahv tellt ye an’ aw that we often played fitba thegither. The nickname originates fae back then.

Wur ye always in goal?

Naw, naw at all. That’s the mistake ivryone makes.

How d’ye say then ye wur given the nickname back when yis wur playin?

Ye see, Regula, when schoolboys play fitba – ah mean: when they really play, pick teams first an’ that – naebody normally wants tae go in goal. Normal wee boys want tae score
goals, naw stop them. That’s jist the way it is. In the nature ae things. Even when it comes tae real players, the wans who make it big, wans ye see on TV, the forwards ur normally much
richer an’ much mair famous than the goalkeepers. That his its ain logic. A goal is always a goal. When a goalie makes a save but, ye cannae aye tell if the baw wid’ve gone in
otherwise, or naw. Ye kin nivver tell fur sure, actually, whether a goalkeeper’s really guid or jist plain guid or mibbe naw sae guid. That’s how ivry fitballer, if he his any choice,
prefers tae be up front. The wans that want it even mair badly, totally badly, but ur weans. As a wean, ye make sure you yirsel ur playin in a position that’ll let ye pit as many baws as
possible in the net. An’ d’ye know how? Cos weans, wi’oot knowin it, ur the world’s maist stupidest optimists.

Naw, take it fae me, Regi: optimism is a children’s illness. Like the measles. An’ a keeper’s summit like insurance. If yir blinded by optimism an’ countin oan hivin
nuthin but guid luck, ye dont need insurance. An’ that’s how, when weans play fitba, nae cunt wants tae go in goal. An’ wance, when we’d an important game, against the
Italians fae the gasworks, nae cunt wantit tae be the goalie again so we pit wee Balsiger – the poorest an’ maist-harassed wee guy roon oor way – in goal.