My Reality (11 page)

Meanwhile, I got my first look at Jason, who was standing outside the house. He was standing in front of the house, facing our limo. I’m not sure if he could see us in the back or not, but it was instinct for me to duck out of his line of vision!

Then I looked outside and saw him again. I convinced myself that he was just as terrified.

My heart started beating so hard as I took in all of my surroundings. I suddenly couldn’t remember what I had planned to do or say, and I was just positive that I was going to trip and fall as soon as I stepped out of the limo.

And then, before I could psych myself out anymore, the limo door opened. It felt like time had literally stopped. Every second felt like an hour.

I could feel everyone watching me. And, it didn’t help my nerves at all that I literally had to unfold myself from my seat because I couldn’t get out of the car in the ridiculous dress I had chosen to wear.

So much for taking the graceful route.

When I finally managed to extricate myself from the car, I could barely walk. Long after all of this was over, I had a chance to watch the episode, and I was mortified to see how I walked. I looked like a football linebacker: swinging the same arm with the same foot! Just what most men are looking for in a woman! I’m not sure if it was because of my nerves, or the one-size-too-small dress, but regardless it was not attractive.

I somehow made it to Jason and tried to remember the introductions I had rehearsed. There was nothing casual about it. There was nothing elegant about it. There was nothing romantic about it. The whole situation was awkward. I managed to get through our initial hug. Maybe I had just gotten wrapped up in the show, but I definitely thought he was cute. And he seemed sweet, with this really genuine smile.

It was going pretty well, and then, well, nerves do funny things. When I tried to speak, my voice came out really high pitched, and I forgot everything I had practiced in my room.

“How are you?” Jason asked politely.

“I’m nervous,” I said. “I’m not going to lie.”

“Where are you from?”

“I’m from Dallas, Texas.”

I had a permanent, unusually large grin on my face.

“Dallas, Texas.”

“Yeah, I’m a cowgirl.”

I’m a cowgirl?!? Did I really just say that??

So much for making a good first impression. I could hardly believe I’d just said that! I was shaking as I walked into the house, and I felt like I had just made a complete idiot out of myself. I was nervous about meeting Jason and having this strange new experience, which I didn’t feel like I was handling particularly well. I needed to calm down!

But I did start to loosen up and enjoy myself. My initial reaction had been right on: the girls were all really nice, actually. And I wasn’t nervous anymore. As I looked around, I found myself thinking,
If I stay, I could have fun here. This is a beautiful house. These are great girls. And I would love a little vacation.

There was a time during that first night when we all had to
vote on the girl we thought was least compatible with Jason. Later, when I watched the moment on TV, I was surprised that a couple of them actually said they wanted me to go home, because they were
intimidated
by me. I was really thrown off by that.
I
was the one intimidated by
them
! It’s moments like these that made me feel even more grateful for the friendships I formed in the house. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine how they could have possibly been intimidated by me. Maybe that’s because although I’m a fairly outgoing person, I’m pretty shy, and I tend to keep to myself in new social situations and wait to feel the crowd out. Maybe they mistook my silence for confidence.

I wasn’t trying to overly impress Jason that night. If I had, I probably would have worn a different dress that was a little shorter, or spent a little more time on my hair and makeup. I would have whipped out the fake eyelashes. Instead I just wanted to have fun and be myself, and see what could happen. At the same time—let’s be honest—I’m sure that a part of me wanted to get his attention. I definitely didn’t want to be one of the girls he rejected. Given how low my self-esteem was after Tye, I think I wanted to see if I could get Jason interested in me.

As nonchalant as I was, I was still nervous about the Rose Ceremony. Jason was sending ten girls home, which was nearly half of us, and I hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to him at all. I was hoping our brief encounter had made him interested enough to keep me.

I kept looking around at all the other girls—the beautiful, smart, funny girls he had to choose from—and I suddenly wasn’t feeling very confident. It was hard to focus as he called the names of the girls who would be staying:

“Lauren. . .”

“Kari. . .”

[
Nervous sigh.
]

“Naomi. . .”

“Natalie. . .”

“Molly. . .”

[
Gulp.
]

“Raquel. . .”

“Stephanie. . .”

“Melissa. . .”

He said my name! He said my name! Phewwww!

I walked up to him to get my rose.

“Melissa, will you accept this rose?” he asked.

“Absolutely, thank you,” I said.

I could barely focus on the rest of the names he called, but he did also give roses to my new friends Jillian and Erica. After that, we were done. I had made it through my first night on
The Bachelor.
And after all the emotional highs, we were all exhausted.

Even though I hadn’t really slept, I didn’t feel tired. I think I was running on pure adrenaline. It was so exciting to be there, and I was having fun! I was making friends! Jason was cute! There you have it: The Bachelor Bubble instantly consumed me. Even though, just the day before, I had been planning to go home within the first two weeks, I was now eager to stay and see how long this adventure could last.

To be honest, I didn’t think about home at all. I didn’t think about my friends. And, finally, and most unexpectedly, I didn’t think about Tye.

A
t this point, almost everyone had had some one-on-one time with Jason except for me. I was still staying in the background, and I hadn’t quite figured out what exactly I was supposed to do. It felt weird to start pursuing him just like that, and it’s never been my personality to wear something or do something to make a guy notice me. So I just sat back and watched the other girls in action.

But even though I was laying low, things had already changed for me. I had come onto the show thinking that I wasn’t interested in dating Jason—or anyone, really, for that matter. Now that I was there and caught up in the mood of the Bachelor Bubble, I was hoping that Jason would notice me. Ultimately, I think this happened to everyone. And once it got ahold of me, all I wanted was for Jason to realize that he hadn’t talked to me yet and pull me aside for some one-on-one time. If he didn’t, I’d soon be the only girl he hadn’t started getting to know.

All of the other girls seemed to like Jason, and so I was sure that I would, too, once I got the chance to talk to him. He was attractive.
He was nice. He seemed fun. And I wanted him to like me. It was definitely exciting to have someone new to focus on, and it felt good to finally be moving on from my heartbreak over Tye.

But it was hard not to play mind games while in the house. At the first group gathering with all the girls and Jason after the first Rose Ceremony, I found myself thinking that maybe it was a good thing that he hadn’t talked to me yet. It could mean that he already knew he really liked me from what he’d seen so far, and so he didn’t want to waste his time talking to me when he could be talking to the other girls who he was still iffy about. At the same time, I realized that he could have already decided that I was one of the girls he
wasn’t
interested in, and so why waste time on me that he could give to the girls he liked. I really I had no idea where I stood. And in case he wasn’t interested in me, I didn’t want to pull him away and attempt to woo him when he didn’t want to be wooed—at least by me. (Do you how I was making myself crazy?? And it was only the first day!) But whether or not Jason liked me suddenly mattered to me a lot more than I had ever thought it would.

It would have seemed natural for me to be comparing Jason to Tye, but Tye was not in my thoughts at all. I’ve always had an ability to be very “out of sight, out of mind.” And Tye was definitely out of sight. I had someone new to focus on. Plus, I had the other girls to hang out with, a gorgeous mansion to live in, and no work. Life was pretty good, and I wasn’t thinking about anything (or anyone) back home.

Well, that’s not entirely true (look at me, still lying to myself . . .). During the day, I was so focused on my surroundings and Jason that I didn’t have time to think of Tye. It was a great distraction—even if it was a forced one. But during the first few nights at the mansion, when I was all alone right before I fell asleep, my thoughts had no
choice but to quickly wonder what Tye was doing.
Did he miss me? Was he wondering what I was doing? Did he even notice that I was gone? Or worse, was he dating other girls?

I know I had no right to wonder that last question—believe me, I see the irony considering the situation that I was in. But keep in mind, I never intended to go on the show and actually
date
. But those thoughts only crept into my mind when I was all alone, which was pretty rare . . . thankfully. After all, my whole goal of coming was to get
away
from Tye.

I have to be honest though, all thoughts of Tye completely vanished after I had my first date with Jason. That day was a game changer for me . . . actually, looking back, it was a life changer.

When I first found out that I would have a date with Jason, I was so thrilled!
It’s about time! I’ve hardly said anything to him!
But I got nervous at the same time, because now the pressure was on. Technically, I had not been on a first date in . . . years! Keep in mind, that even though I had dated Tye for a year, he never officially took me on a real first date. So I was definitely worried about what to do.

Now it’s just going to be us. I have to have things to talk about. But what happens if I don’t have anything to talk about, and then we’re just stuck there, sitting in silence? Or what if he decides the date is awful, and he doesn’t give me the rose at the end?

Back when I had been in the hotel room, I would imagine how our first date would be. It’s no secret there’s some extravagance to
The Bachelor
dates . . . just a little. I’d hope we’d do something fun like skydiving, because that seemed less scary than having to talk to Jason the whole time. I can’t think of better proof that I wasn’t lying when I said I was bad at dating: I’d rather jump out of an airplane than make small talk!

Well, thankfully, my wish didn’t come true. We had a great romantic date on the beach where we could just talk. Well, it was mainly me talking, and Jason asking questions. He wanted to know where I was from, what I did, what I liked to do, and all of that kind of stuff. As I answered, we started flirting, and all of the sudden it was fun! I laughed a lot, and I actually started to have butterflies. I couldn’t believe it! I hadn’t expected to like him. And here I was, having a really good time and letting him into a place that nobody had been in for a very long time, because Jason
let
me. He wanted to be let in, so he got to a place that Tye hadn’t gotten. I had wanted Tye to go there, but he had chosen not to do so.

The entire date I felt like I was flying on a cloud. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so happy and relaxed.
Relaxed
being the key word. With Tye, I was almost forcing myself on him, because I wanted him to like me so much. And Jason just seemed to like me for me . . . I didn’t have to force anything.
So this is what a normal date is supposed to feel like, huh? This is how it feels when someone genuinely cares about getting to know me?

Our date ended, and that was it for me . . . I was hooked. I had fallen victim to the process I had been so cynical about. And I was definitely smitten. Jason had a side to his personality that I hadn’t seen from Tye. Jason seemed really sweet. He had been married before, so I knew he wanted to be in a relationship. I started looking at the qualities he possessed that Tye didn’t (or, at least, hadn’t let me see).
Now, this is the guy I need. Not the twenty-six-year-old who I used to date who didn’t know how to be in a relationship, but this grown-up man who really, really, wanted to find love and make a commitment.

This was a huge turning point for me, and it was obvious on the show. In my profile photo for
The Bachelor
, I had worn a red halter
top and a heart necklace that Tye had given me. I wore the necklace as a sign to Tye that even though I was gone, I was thinking about him. And it was a bit of a security piece for me. I kept it on for the first couple days we were in the house. And then, after my first one-on-one date with Jason, I took off the necklace and didn’t wear it again the rest of the time I was on the show.

I honestly didn’t think much of it at the time, but looking back, it’s pretty apparent that I was sending a clear personal signal that I was moving on. I had very quickly converted from Tye mode to Jason mode and
Bachelor
mode. Jason seemed to like me, and suddenly I realized that other people could like me. I wasn’t a leper who couldn’t get anybody, after all. And it felt really good.

So, emotionally, I was very quickly in a much different place than I had been when I first went on the show. I was very absorbed by this new world. The girls. The amazing dates. And, of course, the new guy. After I took off Tye’s necklace, I wasn’t thinking about him or home at all anymore. And that’s exactly what I had come on the show for . . . I just hadn’t expected it to work. I didn’t believe in the process, and I didn’t believe that anything could get my mind off Tye. And somehow, in one day, my entire belief system changed.