My Former Self (12 page)

When we get out of the theatre, we walk outside where Dad is supposed to pick me up. We have about ten minutes before he’s going to be there, and I hope that Shane will kiss me. We talk about the movie, but I am only thinking about him kissing me. And then he does and that feeling that I had earlier comes back again—sort of a rush in my abdomen. He kisses me for a few minutes but stops as he knows my dad will be coming soon. My gum is now separated in my mouth, and I nonchalantly try to gather all of the pieces with my tongue and chew normally. How mortifying it would be to smile with a piece of gum stuck on my front tooth.

He asks me if I’d like to go out again, and of course I agree. I see Dad’s Buick turn onto the street. I ask him if he needs a ride home, but he says he’ll just walk, as he lives close by. I think the thought of meeting my dad intimidates him, which I understand; I wouldn’t want to meet his parents on our first date either.

Dad stops the car and I jump in. He asks about my date and the movie, which I have to lie about. I try to keep it incredibly general so that I am not
really
being untruthful. He asks about Amanda and I realize I hadn’t thought about her at all during my date. I’m angry with
myself for not cancelling the date or thinking about her during it. I feel like a terrible friend.

When we get home, I immediately call Amanda. She answers on the first ring and says, “How’d it go?” She obviously knows it’s me.

“Good, but more important, how’s your mom?”

“She’s doing all right. The doctors said that her recovery could take a little time, but that all of her tests came back and things look good. They think she’ll recover completely.” I can hear the relief in her voice. She sounds so much different than she sounded the last time we spoke.

“That’s wonderful, Amanda. I knew she’d be okay; she had to be.”

“Yeah, we’re pretty relieved, even though she still has trouble with her vision. It might take a little time before she can go back to work, but the doctor is very optimistic. So, tell me about your date with Shane.”

“Amanda, we can talk about that later. I just want to be sure you’re all right.”

“Seriously, Ton, I’m good now. Tell me about it. It’ll do me good to get my mind off the day I had. I swear I haven’t cried that much since my nana died.”

“It was awesome! He is so sweet. And he kissed me!”

“I want to hear all about it from beginning to end. Omit no details.”

I give her a step-by-step account of the night and she adds oohs and aahs where appropriate. She is more than happy for me and I can’t help but feel so lucky to have such an amazing friend, who thinks of me even though she is going through such a difficult time. I have a terrific family who would do anything for me, and now I kinda have a boyfriend who is cute and smart. After I get off the phone, I think about everything and fall asleep totally content.

Winter 2010

“Y
ou’re not serious?” Sandy is adamantly opposed to me being alone for Christmas.

“Yes, Sandy, I am. It’s not that big a deal. I am a grown woman and I’ll be fine.” I am not really sure what else to say.

“Well, you should at least go and see Dad. He really misses you.”

“I know. I will. Be sure to give Anna a great big kiss for me. I sent her a card with a Walmart gift certificate. You should be getting it this week.”

“Thanks, Tonya. Will you still be coming for her sixth birthday? She is really looking forward to having you there.”

“Yes, I have already booked the Thursday and Friday off work. I will see you in less than two months. Is Dale going to be there?”

“No. He can do his own thing with her. I don’t know if I’m being selfish about it, but I’m the one who organized everything and helped Anna with the invitations, and then he’ll show up with Vivian and act like they had a hand in the day’s events. I’m not about to let that happen. Besides, he’s the one who decided to end our marriage with that whore. Sorry, still bitter.”

Before she gets off the phone she tries to convince me again to come for Christmas. I know she means well, but I don’t mind being alone for the holidays. Besides, I only get five days off and I don’t really want to spend two of them travelling to Montreal.

I do decide, though, that I will see Dad just after Christmas. I call him and he sounds overjoyed to hear from me. I feel guilty that I haven’t been more in touch with him. He said that anytime I decide to come down will be perfect. We settle on the twenty-seventh, and he insists that I stay the night at his place and not at a hotel, which I’ve done in the past. His condo is an incredibly small one-bedroom that has a pull-out couch
in the office for when I visit—which isn’t often. When I do stay there, I don’t really sleep. Dad’s condo backs onto a very busy street, and it feels like the whole house shakes when a truck passes. And then there is the heat. He leaves his place at twenty-three degrees and I can feel the sheets sticking to me as I toss and turn all night. But I know he prefers when I stay with him. It’s almost as though he thinks I’m still a kid and I need to save my money and be waited on. I will go and stay with him.

The last few days of work are how they always are at this time of year. Everyone talks about his or her plans for the holidays. I hear of visitors and menus, and from the young patients, of Santa and presents. I suppose they can’t be blamed; Dr. Roerke frequently begins his conversations asking the patients about their Christmas activities. People often ask me as they are waiting to pay, which I find forward. I presume that people don’t like the silence, so they’d rather be pushy and intrusive than quiet and uncomfortable. I’d prefer the opposite.

Patrick and Cindy laugh a lot together, although I think they’re just friends. Dr. Roerke no longer flirts with Cindy, and I have to say, I definitely appreciate that. Deb is her usual cheerful self—even more so at this time of year. She says there’s nothing better than seeing her kids’ faces on Christmas morning. I remember being that child with a smile on mine.

I spend Christmas day just as I would any other Saturday. I get up, do some cleaning and laundry. I even go out for a morning jog. There’s no one around and the streets are bare. I can run where there is no snow and do not feel confined to the sidewalks. When I get back, I decide that today I will have my favourite meals and not worry about calories. I never used to worry about calories or fat—that is until I turned thirty-four. I was able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and things just stayed the same. After a while, I started to notice that my shirts were getting a little tighter and that I had to move up a cup size—unless I wanted to look like Cindy and have some major cleavage. So I joined the gym close to my apartment and started going regularly. I was pretty self-conscious at first. Sandy told me ‘no one’s looking at you’, but honestly, the men
and
the women were checking out everyone in that place. Things got much better for me when I decided to bring an ipod and tune out the world around me. Cindy tried to get me to join her volleyball league, saying that it wasn’t competitive and was a lot of fun, but I prefer exercising alone, not as a team. But today, I am not going to worry about any of that. I’m going to have eggs benedict for breakfast and fettuccine alfredo for dinner.

I did all of my shopping yesterday evening, since no stores are open today. I love the fact that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go all day. I can stay in my pyjamas for hours.

Just as I am finishing making my breakfast, I hear a knock at the door. Fuck.

First of all, my eggs and coffee are ready and hot—and I hate when they get cold—and second, I can’t really hide. I’m sure it’s Rosanna or Louis, the super, coming to wish me a merry Christmas. I feel obligated to answer.

I open the door. It’s Rosanna and a young guy, who must be the nephew she was telling me about a few months ago.

“Hi, Rosanna. Merry Christmas.” I try to sound jovial, but underneath I’m sorry I answered the door.

“Hi doll, Merry Christmas!” She leans in to hug me. “This is my nephew Ryan who I told you about.” Ryan is quite tall and he has light brown hair. He is wearing khaki pants with a white dress shirt. It actually still has the folds in it, which indicates that he took it out of its package this morning. I am not really in a position to judge, however, seeing as I’m not even dressed.

“Nice to meet you,” I say, extending my hand. Really, it’s anything
but
nice to meet him. It’s awkward, embarrassing, and I feel slightly sweaty under my pyjamas.

“You too. My aunt can’t stop talking about you.” His voice is awfully low, and it doesn’t make him attractive. It actually lessens his somewhat pleasant appearance.

I am not sure what to do or say next. It’s almost noon and I’m not dressed. My hair, one of my best features, is just tied on the top of my head. The smell of eggs can’t be contained in my apartment. I just want to shut the door and end this uncomfortable meeting.

“Can you come over to my apartment for dinner tonight, doll?” Rosanna really wants this thing to work between us. She’s sweet, but my God, Ryan’s a kid.

“Thanks for the invitation, but I’m busy.” I don’t expand. I don’t have a specific lie ready so this vague one will have to suffice.

“Okay, if your plans fall through, come on over.” I am surprised she is just leaving it at that, although I’m not complaining.

“Thanks so much. And good to meet you, Ryan.” I am sure when they get back to her apartment, he’ll be giving Rosanna trouble for suggesting that I’d be a good match for him. I can look attractive when I put in a little effort, but I definitely do not look it now. I am not wearing any makeup, giving me the appearance of being well into my forties, even though my pyjamas, having penguins all over them, may suggest otherwise.

When I go to eat my brunch, my eggs and coffee are lukewarm, which aggravates me. It’s the thing I have been looking forward to the most on this day, but
I won’t let it get me down. I am alone with no one to bother me, and I don’t have any awkward dinners to attend. I can do exactly what I want to do today.

And that’s when I get the phone call.

“Hi, Tonya. It’s Jack.”

I get chills and feel anxious. I don’t answer.

“Look, Tonya. I didn’t want to call you. It’s Bob. He’s very upset today. I know you’re planning on coming down in a few days, but I just thought I’d let you know, in case you’d like to come earlier.” He waits. When I don’t answer, he says, “I tried calling Sandy, but she’s not answering.”

“Okay.” And I hang up.

I go into my bedroom and pack my bag and get ready to visit my dad. As I am about to leave I see my plate of half-eaten eggs on the coffee table. I discard them and throw the plate in the sink. As I leave my apartment, I realize that now if I see Rosanna, I am not a liar.

Fall 1989

“O
kay, I’ve got it,” I call from my room. I pick up the phone and am a little disappointed when I realize it’s not Shane. He said he’d call this afternoon and it’s nearly four now.

“Hey Tonya. It’s me, Kait. Do you think your dad can pick me up tonight? My mom has to work and she said I’d have to find my own ride if I want to go to Derek’s party.”