My Everything (3 page)

“Josie,” she replies. I nod, remembering that she didn’t like anyone to use her first name.

“You have a son?” I don’t mean for my words to come out as a question, but I’m shocked. I look at the file and see his name is Preston and not Westbury. My brow furrows, but I can’t ask her the question on my mind.

“I do and he’s sick and I don’t know what’s wrong with him.” She breaks down in tears. I get up and take the baby from her arms and lay him down on the table. He screams louder and tugs at his ear.

I look into his offending ear with my otoscope and see the irritation. I move my hands over his neck, shoulders and stomach feeling for any other issues to determine if we are working strictly with an ear infection or something else.

“I’ll be right back,” I say, leaving her and the baby in the room.

“I need a dose of amoxicillin and Motrin for the Preston boy.”

“Yes, Dr. Ashford.” I fill out the necessary script for his prescription when my nurse returns with a dropper of amoxicillin and one from the Motrin. I take them back to the room and find Josie cradling her son. My heart breaks for her and her boy.

I administer his meds, not something I usually do, but I’m not done spending time with her. I’m curious what happened between her and Liam, but am not willing to entertain the idea that he’s sitting at home, drinking beer, while she takes care of their son.

“He should feel better in about a half hour.” I rip his prescription from my script pad and hand it to her. “Fill this and make sure you finish the amoxicillin. He has an ear infection, but it will clear it up. You only need to give him the Motrin for today and if he has a fever.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Josie. Just call if you need anything.” I nod and leave the room, normal doctor procedure.

I watch as she walks out of the office. My nurse comes up behind me and clears her throat.

“Young single mom like that sure could use a nice respectable man to help take care of that baby.”

“Single?” I ask making sure my ears heard her correctly.

“Very single,” she says as she pats me on my shoulder. 

“Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m in love with the idea that she represented. She has a son that I raised for six years and to wake-up and for them not to be there is painful. I miss him a lot. I miss being his dad and his friend, but I can’t be there for him right now.”

“What happened?”

I take the swing next her and move myself back and forth. “Her ex came back and it was like I didn’t exist. I couldn’t fight for her because she was so lost to him that I didn’t stand a chance. I tried, she tried, but it was just a matter of time before she went back to him and I couldn’t be there to watch that.”

Chapter 3

Tonight I plan to kiss Aubrey. We’ve fallen into a routine, well as much as we can have here. Each night after dinner, we take a walk. Things have been platonic and I know that’s because of me. Her subtle touches are telling me everything I need to know, I’m just afraid to take that step. We won’t always be here and I only volunteered for one year. She lives here and plans to go to college. What if we start something only to have to end it too soon? Or what if it doesn’t work out between us? I’m not sure I want the awkwardness. I can’t live in fear though.

When I walk into the clinic, Aubrey is helping an expectant mom. She looks at me with worried eyes and I know we’ll be in for a long day. She settles the mom in a room and comes back with her chart.

“What’s her status?” I’m in doctor mode even though she’s been on my mind all day. I thought I’d get tired of seeing her, but it’s been weeks since our first dinner and I've welcomed the thought of seeing her every day whether it’s at work or after.

“She’ll be ready in about an hour.”

“You think so?” I ask, looking up from the file.

“Yes, I’m betting dinner.”

I extend my hand out to shake hers. “You’re on. I’m off to see our patient.”

It doesn’t take long for me assess the soon-to-be mom. She’s young. She just turned fifteen. This is the part of the job I hate. I don’t mind taking care of sick babies and children, but when a young girl walks in with a protruding belly, anger boils inside of me. Most of these young girls are raped when they’re out in the field working for their families. On the rare occasion one will come in with her equally young husband and I can’t help but think about Noah in a few years and wonder if this could be him some day. I would hope not.

I watch the clock and smile when active labor starts. Aubrey now owes me dinner. It’s been an hour and half. I walk out to get her and tap my watch. She rolls her eyes and follows me back to the room.

Aubrey administers meds, but only enough to dull the pain. I need the girl awake and functioning enough to push her baby out. We are limited here with supplies and staff so the mother needs to do more than one would be required in a modern hospital. Aubrey holds her hand, something the baby’s dad or even this young girl’s parents should be doing, but not in this society.

Aubrey tells her to push, but is met with resistance. This is when an additional set of hands would be helpful. Aubrey works to calm her while I carefully push the baby forward by adding pressure to her abdomen. She screams out in pain and it makes me want to kill the man that did this to her. For every beautiful thing this country offers there is equally something disgusting to tarnish my opinion.

A local mid-wife comes in, unexpected, but definitely needed. She takes over for me so I can take care of the patient and she’ll take care of the delivery. Aubrey strokes the young woman’s head, whispering to her. I don’t know what she’s telling her, but it seems to be working. She keeps her eyes locked on Aubrey the whole time, the two of them sharing something I’ll never understand and I’m okay with that. The mid-wife speaks to her and she listens. The pushing starts and within minutes the room is filled with the sweet sounds of a newborn.

I take the baby from the mid-wife and start running the standard newborn tests making sure this precious baby is perfect. For the most part the baby looks healthy. I wash the little girl and hand her back to her mom. The bond is instant. Regardless of how this baby was conceived, she’s going to love her daughter.

I’m exhausted when I enter the makeshift bathroom. I wash my hands and splash cold water on my face. The delivery took longer than expected. When I came here I didn’t know I’d be delivering babies, but I really couldn’t say no. I’m here to give my service to these people who need it.

Aubrey enters. I can tell it’s her. My body is already reacting to her presence. Her hands find my back and they start massaging my shoulders. I close my eyes and stay still, allowing her to work some magic on my tight muscles. Her hands feel so good, her fingers working the stiff knots. I drop to my knees so she’s not reaching over me. She chuckles lightly, but moves behind me to finish the job. I roll my head from side to side as her fingers move into my hair.

I can feel her breath on my neck. Her nose skimming along my jaw, she’s no longer massaging my neck. Her lips press against my neck. This isn’t how I wanted our first kiss to happen. Not at work, not after an intense delivery.

I turn on my knees and face her. Her white blond hair is pulled back in a messy bun, a few loose strands framing her face. Her eyes glisten. I move the stray hair away from her face and cup her cheeks. I lean forward, kissing her lightly. I do it again with a bit more pressure. She gasps when my tongue runs along her lower lip. She grabs a fist full of my shirt and pulls me closer, which is my signal to stop.

“We need to stop.”

Her face falls and she releases my shirt. She moves back. “Oh, okay. I just thought—”

I stand and pull her hand into mine. “No, you thought right. I just don’t think this is the place for us to… you know.”

“Okay.”

I pull her close, wrapping my arm around her waist. “Believe me when I say I want to kiss you and can’t wait to collect after dinner.” I kiss the top of her nose and walk out of the bathroom. I need to get away from her before lust takes over and I do something in that small room that I’ll regret.

After work, I head back to the dorms. I need some time alone to think. Kissing Aubrey wasn’t a mistake, but throughout the day I started questioning myself. Am I ready for a relationship?

What Josie and I had, it was real, at least for me and I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with another letdown. I can’t do causal. It’s not in my nature, so that’s out of the question. I suppose Aubrey and I need to sit down and discuss what we each want and make a decision from there. I can’t get hurt again. I just can’t.

I meet Aubrey out in front of the dorms once the sun goes down. They keep us fairly segregated here, with men on one side of the dorm and woman on the other. Only married couples are allowed to share a room. They don’t encourage fraternization either, something we need to be cautious of. I know that I don’t want to get kicked out of the program.

As soon as she’s out the door, I start walking toward the playground. This has been our date location since the first night. I know Aubrey owes me dinner, but we have more important things to discuss tonight.

We sit in our respective swings, swaying back and forth. The air between us is thick and that is exactly why I didn’t want to kiss her at work today. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us and now there is.

“Josie, that’s my ex, I asked her to marry me something obnoxious like six times. Each time she’d say no until the last time I proposed. The only reason she said yes is because our friend had just died in a car accident. I was in the hospital when he was brought in. I was called into the emergency room to see a little girl who was having trouble breathing. When I finished with her, I saw Josie’s best friend in the waiting room. I held her until they let her go in and say goodbye to her husband and then I drove her home.

“When I got home, Josie wasn’t there, but our son – her son – he was asleep so I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t home and then I realized that she would’ve gone to Katelyn’s to take care of their twins. Mason and Katelyn have the cutest girls. I’ve been their doctor since they were born. I waited until Josie came home, sitting in the dark living room, watching as car after car shone lights into the window.

“She walked in, her tear-streaked face showing me just how desperate she was for affection. She just lost her best friend and didn’t get to say goodbye. I held her all night. We cried together and talked about ways we needed to help Katelyn.

“When the sun rose hours later, I got down on my knee, with tears in both of our eyes and told her that I can’t live like this anymore, that I want to call her my wife and told that life is too short not to make decisions. I asked her again and for the first time in six years she didn’t hesitate.

“The only problem with my proposal is that we couldn’t celebrate. We couldn’t tell anyone that we were finally getting married because our happiness didn’t even compare to the pain we were feeling with losing Mason.

“Funeral preparations had to take place. Lives had to change. We needed to go through our daily and weekly routines minus one person. Nothing was right.”

I get up and lean against the post so I can see her. “When Mason died I knew things were going to be different, but I didn’t expect for my soon-to-be wife to fall out of love with me so quickly. Her ex rolled in like he hadn’t been gone for ten years. I stupidly thought that she’d remember the pain he caused her and she’d stay far away, but they have a son and he wanted to be a part of their son’s life. Not that I could blame him; Noah’s an amazing kid, but that left me on the outside. As much as Josie reassured me that everything was okay, it wasn’t. It didn’t take long before my feelings didn’t matter and the sad thing is I knew it was going to happen so I should’ve prepared myself, but I didn’t. I held out hope.”

I sigh and stuff my hands in my pockets. “The reason I’m telling you this is because sometimes I feel broken, like I’ve lost my path. The night before I left, I told her we were moving out here and she refused to come with me. I knew she was going to, but it was my last-ditch attempt. I left that night and never said goodbye to Noah, and for that I regret my decision to leave the way I did. I live with that now and am struggling to find a way to make amends. I owe it to him and myself. He needs to know that he didn’t do anything wrong and that it was okay for him to choose his dad. But I’m also telling you this because I’m looking for the whole package. I want a wife and a family sooner rather than later and I know you have your whole life ahead of you and probably don’t want kids for a while, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to start a relationship when we have different goals in life.”

Aubrey stands and I prepare myself to watch her walk away. She surprises me when she steps closer, her expression unreadable in the dark. I tense when I feel her hands on my waist, fisting the sides of my shirt.

“Why don’t you ask me what I want instead of assuming?”

Touché. I look down at her and smile. “What do you want, Aubrey?”

“You,” she whispers.

I shake my head. Didn’t she hear a single thing I just said? “I don’t do casual.”

“Me neither. I was raised with traditional core values. When I kissed you back there it was out of emotion from what I just witnessed. When she didn’t want to push, I thought for sure we were going to lose the baby. I watched you in there today. You were so calm and self-assured. I was so impressed with how you handled everything. I couldn’t help myself when I found you hunched over the sink. I needed to touch you. I needed the peace I feel when you’re near me.”

I take a deep breath. I’m not trying to push her away. I’m just not looking for anything temporary. “I’m leaving soon. I’m only here for a year.”

“I’m a volunteer with my parent’s missionary, Nick. I can come and go as I please. I don’t have to put in a year or even a month. If I want to go to another hospital tomorrow I can.”