Mr. Big (16 page)

The people of Newfoundland are known for reaching out to others in times of need, and this situation was no different. The cards, prayers, and financial donations were coming in constantly. Though Jennifer had few memories of this dark day, she recalled a woman who was visiting from the mainland.

“I was driving to St. John's when I heard your story,” she said. “I couldn't drive by without giving you a hug. My heart led me here.”

It was another of many cards that contained money, but meeting the stranger had touched Jennifer deeply.

But tonight Jennifer knew that her father was talking about the cards. He wanted to know where they had gone.

Jennifer didn't care about the cards or the money. Back at the apartment, she took another of those little white pills, and darkness came quickly.

She would need her rest to be ready for the funeral.

As soon as she drifted off, she could hear her sister say, “Come on, Jennifer, lets get you ready.” It seemed like Jennifer had just sat on the bed, and yet somehow it was already morning. The next thing she knew she was sitting in church, looking around, unsure why she was even here. She had a good idea that the lapses were probably because of the pills, but they were helping to numb the pain.

Suddenly, before her, the two white caskets lay over the girls' graves. They were at the cemetery. Everything came rushing in. Little Harbour. Krista's body as it was taken from her arms. The little white pills, the missing car seats. No, this was no dream.

“I want my youngsters back,” she burst out during the prayer. “Stop this, I want them back!”

It took the strong arms of a young family member to hold her, and lead Jennifer away from the cemetery, before she collapsed.

51

For the next few days, Jennifer's life slowly started to resume. She was back to doing the housework. She was picking up the pieces and trying to understand everything that had happened.

The first of her chores was to make sure everything that belonged to Karen and Krista was kept safe. She still didn't know what happened to their car seats.

There were so many unanswered questions.

And talking to Nelson was out of the question these days. He seemed to be having one temper tantrum after another, but there were things she wanted to know.

“Nelson, what happened to the cards that people left for us at the funeral home?” she asked.

“They're out in the car,” he said.

“What about the money? How much is there? We have bills to pay for the funeral, and I need money for the laundry.”

“I already spent the money,” he told her. “You'll have to wait for the cheque to get groceries.”

Jennifer didn't have the energy to argue. All she wanted to do was go for a walk. But Nelson didn't think she needed a walk at all.

“You need to stay here,” he said firmly.

Jennifer didn't listen. She put on her shoes and grabbed a light jacket just in case it started to rain.

She was going for a walk, but she wasn't going to be able to go alone. Nelson followed her downstairs, continuously yelling at her and blaming her for everything that was wrong with his life.

“You're nothing but a son of a bitch,” he yelled at her.

A woman walking toward them crossed the street to the opposite side, when she realized the severity of the argument happening in front of her.

“Leave me alone, Nelson,” Jennifer snapped. “I want to be alone.”

But he wouldn't turn back. He continued on, determined to make her listen. But the more he yelled, the more she ignored him. And the more infuriated he became.

“I've got something in the back of my head that I'm going to take to my grave,” he blurted out.

Jennifer stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face him.

“What the hell . . . do you . . . mean by that! Are you saying that you killed the girls?”

He was silent long enough for Jennifer to think he was serious. Her rage was intensifying by the second.

“What are you, crazy? Why would I hurt my own youngsters?” he said. And that was it. He turned away and left her alone.

She had questions as to why he didn't take better care of the girls at Little Harbour, but it was the first time she'd ever wondered if he could have actually drowned them. She quickly shook off the thought. As much as he tried to hurt her, he surely didn't have it in him to take the lives of his own daughters.

But it wouldn't be the last time she would hear him say those words.

52

“Hello, come on in,” Jennifer said to Chris and Lori, who were standing at her door. She knew they worked with victim services, and she wondered why they were here today.

“We were wondering if you were free to come up to the office for a while,” said Lori. “We just wanted to make sure everything was okay, and to have a chat.”

“Sure, just give me a minute to get ready,” said Jennifer.

Meanwhile, Chris had already arranged for Nelson to go to the police station.

Jennifer got into the car and headed to the office. She was hoping this wouldn't take too long. She was exhausted. She didn't feel like answering any more of their questions, and for the most part she no longer had any answers. The days between the girls' deaths and their funeral were fuzzy. She wasn't sure if it was the shock or the little white pills, but there weren't many memories. The memories she did have were scattered pieces, like snapshots of time.

“How are you coping?” said Lori.

“I'm okay, but I just feel tired and confused most of the time,” she responded.

“What about Nelson?”

“Well, he's been having plenty of his moods, but things are okay, I guess,” Jennifer said.

“Do you feel safe, though?” asked Lori. “We need to make sure you are okay. Is there enough food at the apartment?”

“Well, we do need groceries, but I guess Nelson will get some in a couple days.”

“We're going to be keeping a close eye on you, Jennifer,” said Lori. “Just to make sure you are all right. Is that okay?”

“Yes it is,” said Jennifer. “I'll take whatever help I can get.”

“There's something else.” Lori looked uncomfortable in her chair. “Jennifer, we found the girls' car seats up at the dump the day after the incident at Little Harbour. We believe Nelson brought them up there that same night.

“Also, we found pictures of Krista and Karen,” Lori continued. “We found a lot of pictures of them. We're not sure why Nelson threw them out, but the police have them now. He even threw away the negatives. I promise we'll make sure you get them back.”

Jennifer was stunned. How could he throw away their pictures? She felt like he was trying to wipe away their memory, but she put it in the back of her mind and continued on.

Jennifer was aware that Nelson had been meeting with the police, but she had no idea what he was telling them. Nor was she interested in Nelson. The girls were all she could think of. But throwing away their pictures? What was his reason?

Lori gathered up Jennifer's coat and helped her out to the car. The two of them drove quietly back to the apartment, and they headed upstairs.

Nelson was already home from the police station. There was no trouble hearing his yelling echoing down the stairwell.

“Those sons of bitches. They got her. The police got her, and they won't be bringing her home,” he was yelling.

Jennifer opened the door. Nelson stopped and turned. He looked at Jennifer, then his focus shifted toward Lori.

“You're a bunch of bastards! You took my wife, and I didn't know nothing!” he yelled. “You're nothing but a bunch of arseholes.”

53

Why?

“Why would you throw away the girls' pictures, Nelson?” Jennifer was fuming.

“They're only pictures,” he replied, without taking his eyes away from the television. “What odds.”

“What odds?” said Jennifer. “This doesn't make sense! You know how much those pictures meant to me.”

Suddenly, Jennifer was overcome by longing. She was longing to be with her girls.

“Take me to the graveyard,” she demanded. “That's the least you could do.”

“I'm not going up there today,” he said. “Just look outdoors, it's pouring.”

“I don't care. I want to go now.”

Jennifer grabbed her jacket and waited at the door. She nearly leapt down the stairwell. For reasons she couldn't explain, there was an urgency to be with them.

She felt relief just to be in the car and driving toward them, even though it was not the kind of day you'd find anyone hanging around the cemetery. The wind was up, and as they got closer to the cemetery she saw flashes of lightning and heard the thunder. But none of that mattered. Nothing would stop her from visiting their graves this day.

As they turned into the graveyard, Jennifer asked Nelson, “Are you coming with me?”

“I'm staying here,” he replied.

Jennifer got out of the car and started walking toward the little white crosses, which were the only things she had left to bring her closer to her lost children. The rain, which had been pouring from the heavens moments ago, began to subside. There was no lightning. No thunder.

She no longer cared about her clothes, or her hair. She knelt on the wet ground and wept. She cried so that she could make all this go away. She cried so that she could have her children back in her arms where they belonged. Not here, out in this terrible weather, with no one to comfort them. If they couldn't be here, she wanted to be with them.

Time stood still for her this particular visit. So did the weather. When Jennifer looked up from the little grave markers, she could see Nelson sitting behind the wheel of the car. Waiting.

Jennifer stood and walked toward him, and when she got within a few feet of the car, the rains began to crash down again. As soon as she sat in the car, there was a clap of thunder that made her shiver.

She believed it was a message. The girls had cleared the way for her to come visit that day.

54

“Why don't we get out of town for the day?” he said. “I've got enough money to drive into St. John's.”

“What are we going to do in there?” Jennifer asked.

But Nelson never really answered the question. Instead, he said he was going to gas up the car. “I'll be back in a while, so be ready to go.”

Jennifer wasn't really up to travelling, but she didn't ask any more questions. She just did as she was told. It had only been a few weeks since the girls had died, and already there was no food in the house. There wasn't even enough money to wash clothes at the laundromat downstairs. The Salvation Army had brought food a few days ago, but that was gone. People from all over had sent money to the funeral home, but Jennifer had no idea what had happened to it. And she didn't have the strength to worry about it all, because the pain had become too much to bear. It didn't matter where she was anymore, because her children weren't there.

She packed a small bag.

“Do you have enough money to go to St. John's?” Jennifer asked. “This morning you didn't have enough to give me for laundry.”

“I have money,” he said. “Don't worry about it.”

Jennifer wasn't surprised. It certainly wasn't the first time Nelson had a secret stash of money she didn't know about. She got in the car, and as they drove, there wasn't much in the way of conversation. Jennifer had taken a sedative, and she was content to watch the world slide by through the side window. Nelson wasn't in the mood for talking, either. There were times when she wondered why he wanted to make the four-hour drive to St. John's, but she didn't have the energy to try and retrieve an answer from him.

When they finally arrived in the city, Nelson drove straight to the Avalon Mall. Jennifer assumed there was something he was looking for, until he drove to an empty parking area and parked their car in the middle of the empty spaces.

Instead of getting out of the car, he did something she didn't expect.

“I don't have any money,” he admitted.

“Well, what the hell are we going to do now?” she said. “You mean to tell me we're out here with no money? Not even enough for gas to get back?” she questioned.

Nelson didn't say anything. He just sat staring straight ahead, and Jennifer had never felt so alone in the world.

Jennifer drifted in and out, until it was finally dark. She reclined her seat and went to sleep.

When she woke the next morning, she nearly had to fight for her breath. The air in the car was hot with the morning sun, but it was also humid. She had never felt so messed up. She couldn't get the window down fast enough.

There wasn't enough air to make her feel better, and she badly needed to stretch her legs. Not to mention the fact that she really needed to find a washroom. But the mall was still closed.