Most Talkative: Stories From the Front Lines of Pop Culture (26 page)

A brigade of Atlanta Housewife sidekicks (hairdressers, event planners, and wig wranglers, oh my!) tromping around the ATL wearing high heels

Jeff Lewis and Ryan ending their friendship on television as I try to mediate and not cry

Kathy Griffin performing at a Bear Convention in San Francisco

Work Out
’s Jackie Warner “turning” her straight trainer Rebecca

Brad Goreski’s
Les Miz
–inspired flashmob at his tenth anniversary party

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover
star and fabulesbian Tabatha Coffey taking over a gay bar called Ripples

The Real Housewives of New York arguing over who got stage time at a gay marriage rally

The ubiquitous Dwight Eubanks, from
Real Housewives of Atlanta
, ignoring my protestations and showing me his penile implant on
Watch What Happens Live

And while we’re talking about Dwight, I’d venture to say that the fur bikini he claims to have designed for the She by Sheree fashion show finale and the baby shower he threw for Phaedra are in a battle royal for gayest events in Atlanta Housewives history!

Q:
Why do Bravolebrities who’ve been sacked keep popping back up again like whack-a-moles?

A:
Bravo is like the mob. Once you’re in, you’re
in
. I used to love when characters who’d long left
All My Children
reappeared years later (1996: “OMG,
Nina
is back!”) and I’d forgive them for their sins of years past (1985: “Nina is so fucking
boring.
Pack your pug nose and LEAVE PINE VALLEY!”). It’s with similar warmhearted nostalgia that I love seeing former Housewives show up at Vicki’s end-of-season barbecue in Orange County every year. Also, remember that these ladies are all still friends and neighbors, whether or not they’ve remained on the show. So when a former castmate appears at Vicki’s barbecue, it’s because she was invited by the lady of the house. And if a current Housewife serves a cease-and-desist letter from her attorney to said former castmate, then throws red wine in her eye, our cameras are bound to catch it.

Q:
Just tell us, who is your favorite Housewife?

A:
You have got to be kidding me.

Q:
OK, you punked out on that. So, who’s your favorite supporting player on Bravo?

A:
Well, that’s an even harder question, because there are so many. Let’s examine three notable supporting-player categories on Bravo: Gay Sidekicks, Moms, and Maids.

The gay sidekick, no surprise, is big on Bravo. My favorites are the high-heeled boys in Atlanta: Dwight, Derek J, and Miss Lawrence, each delivering something delicious and fun to the show while brilliantly empowering and entertaining their ladies.

Moms, though, are the real scene-stealers. On
Million Dollar Listing
, Josh Flagg’s grandma Edith is a grande dame, a Holocaust survivor with wisdom coming out of her little toe. She keeps Josh in check, and I’m proud to see a woman like her on our network. Jill Zarin’s mom, Gloria, has a special place in my heart. Drily hilarious and sage, she was the ultimate pint-sized Jewish mom jetting in from Boca. Not since Jimmy Carter has the state of Georgia produced a peacekeeper like Kandi’s Mama Joyce on
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
. And Miami’s Mama Elsa has it all—one-of-a-kind style, winning wit, wise words,
and
she can tell the future, because she’s a witch. She told me she wouldn’t fly to New York from Miami to appear on my show, so we sent a couple of staff members in a car to pick her up and drive her 1,288 miles to SoHo. Who cares that she told me, “Dandy, you are incapable of love”? I’m proving that wrong by putting it in print that I love YOU, Mama Elsa!

I’m sure Alice from
The Brady Bunch
would be pleased to see cleaning ladies so handily stealing the spotlight on Bravo. Have you ever met a maid like Jacqueline on
Million Dollar Decorators
? She’s chic, she’s French, she loves to smoke, and she covets her boss’s leather pants. And I was heartbroken when Rosie left LuAnn’s employ in Season 3 of
RHNYC
. This was a lady who seemed to be the glue that held the Countess’s brood together, and when she moved to be closer to her own family, I selfishly wished she’d decide her own children were doing all right and come back to us. But you know that the woman who owns my heart is the woman who loves her
telenovelas
, the lady who was so nervous about not understanding my English during our first
Flipping Out
reunion that she got overheated and had to leave the set: It’s Jeff Lewis’s maid, Zoila. And by the way, she may have been nervous back then, but now, between her on-camera charisma and the face-lift Jeff bought her for her birthday last year, she could host the damn thing and look amazing doing it! Hey, that’s not a bad idea …
te amo
, Zoila!

You may have noticed that I have left out a very important sidekick group: dogs. Well, keep reading.