Mixed Blessings (34 page)

"We're almost there, Jane," the doctor said. "Come on, keep at it, just a couple more big pushes . . ." And with that, he signalled to Diana. He knew why they were there, and he was happy for her. He beckoned to her to come and look between Jane's legs, and when she did, she could see the baby crowning.

A tiny head with dark hair, slowly pushing its way through pushing . . . pushing . as Jane worked, and then suddenly there was a cry, and she was out of her mother and into the world, looking up at Diana with amazement, as Diana let out a little cry, and Andy stood beside her crying.

The doctor wrapped the baby carefully in a drape and handed her to Diana, still attached to Jane by the cord, and Diana felt rivers of tears run down her cheeks until she could barely see, and when she looked up, all she could see was Andy.

They stood side by side, looking at the miracle of her, and then Diana gently handed her to Jane as soon as the cord was cut. She had worked so hard to give birth to her, she had a right to hold her. But Jane only held her for the briefest moment.

She put her to her breast, and then kissed her, and handed her to Edward. She was crying, too, by then, and she looked absolutely exhausted. Edward looked at his daughter long and hard, seemingly without emotion, and then handed her to the nurse. The baby was weighed and checked, and all her birth scores were perfect. She weighed seven pounds fourteen ounces, and was twenty-one inches long, and finally, after almost two years of agony, Diana had her baby. She stood looking at her in the bassinet. She had big, wide eyes, and a look of astonishment as she seemed to stare at her brand-new parents.

And they stared at her, and held hands, in awe of the miracle of life, and unspeakably grateful to Jane and Edward.

Andy and Diana ran around like lunatics the next day, buying diapers and tiny T-shirts and nightgowns, and little socks and booties, warm hats and blankets, and the endless list of things they were told they'd need when they picked the baby up on Monday morning. And that afternoon they met with Edward and Jane again, and signed the preliminary papers.

Jane looked better than she had at midnight the night before, but she looked somewhat shaken by the ordeal, and she got very emotional when she saw Diana. She tried to thank her for everything she'd done, and for loving her little girl, but in the end, all she could do was cry as Edward held her.

"I'm so sorry." Diana cried, too, as she watched them, she felt as though she were stealing the baby from them, and for an instant her own resolve almost melted. "I promise you, we'll take such good care of her . . . and she'll be so happy."

Diana hugged Jane again, and when Andy finally led her from the room everyone was crying. And then when they stopped at the nursery to look at her, they knew they had done the right thing. She was so beautiful and so tiny as she lay sleeping. They spoke to the pediatrician before they left, and he told them what kind of formula she'd be on, and what kind of schedule to expect her to keep, how to care for her umbilical cord, and he suggested they take her to their pediatrician the following week, and Diana looked at Andy blankly, and then she thought of her sisters.

"I'll call Sam." She smiled suddenly. She hadn't talked to her sister in weeks. They hardly spoke anymore. Mostly because she didn't want to hear about her baby. "Boy, is she going to be surprised!" She laughed as they got in the elevator at the hospital, and they walked to Sacramento Street for something to eat.

It had been an exhausting but wonderful two days, and they were going to pick the baby up in the morning. Jane would be checking out then, too, but she had decided not to see the baby again. It was just going to make it too difficult for her.

"You don't think she's going to change her mind, do you?"

Diana asked Andy nervously that night, and he thought about it for a minute before he answered.

"No, I don't. But I think it's a possibility we have to face in the next months until they sign the final papers. They could change their minds in the end, but they seem pretty sure to me. Edward is, certainly. And I think she is, too, it's just a very emotional time for her, this must be just brutal."

Diana couldn't imagine what it would be like, giving a baby up, and she was glad she had never had to face that kind of decision, but she knew instinctively that she wouldn't have been able to do it. And then Andy and Diana talked of other things, like what they were going to name the baby. They still hadn't decided definitely, although Hilary seemed to be their favorite.

They both called their offices that morning and said they wouldn't be in due to "illness." Andy wanted to stay home for at least another day, and Diana knew that she wanted to take a long time off, or even quit, but she hadn't figured all that out yet.

Eric Jones met them at the hospital, and he had more papers for them to sign. He had already seen Edward and Jane, and he told the Douglases they had just left, which was a relief to them. They wanted that part of the adoption behind them.

Now all they wanted was their baby.

Diana looked anxious as they rode up in the elevator, carrying a wicker basket covered in white eyelet lace, and they had brought a car seat to put in the limousine they hired to take them to the airport. This was a big event for them. They were finally bringing home their baby. And she even had a name.

They had decided that morning on Hilary Diana Douglas.

She was sound asleep when the nurse picked her up, and they let Andy and Diana go into the nursery wearing gowns over their street clothes.

The nurse showed Diana how to dress her and how to change her, and told her when to give her formula and when to give her glucose and water instead. The hospital provided them with a dozen bottles of each. And the nursery nurse explained that if Hilary had been her natural child, her own milk wouldn't be in yet, so they didn't want to overdo it with the formula until another day at least. She was less than two days old, and a very young baby.

And as they handled her, she opened her mouth and yawned, and then she looked sleepily at Diana and Andy. And then she closed her eyes again as Diana dressed her. And as she did, Diana felt something she had never felt for anyone before, not even Andy. It was a welling up of love and joy that almost overwhelmed her. There were tears sliding down her cheeks as she dressed the little girl in a pink dress, and a warm pink sacque, and little pink knit booties. She had a matching hat with little pink roses on it, and she looked adorable when Diana picked her up and held her. And Andy thought Diana had never looked more beautiful as he watched her.

"Come on, Mom," he said softly, and Diana held her on her shoulder as they went out in the hall to meet Eric. The baby was already signed out by the hospital. She was theirs now.

They hugged him and thanked him, and he went downstairs to see them into the waiting limousine, and Diana nervously adjusted the seat belt.

There were three suitcases of baby clothes in the trunk and a huge teddy bear Andy had bought.

"Thank you for everything," she called back to Eric as the limousine pulled away, and he waved at them with a smile. It had been wonderful to watch them.

And then Diana settled back in her seat, next to the baby, and looked at Andy. It was difficult to believe how much had happened to them in less than forty-eight hours.

"Do you believe this?" she asked with a grin, still afraid to believe it had really happened. But the tiny fingers curled around her own told her it was real. And looking at little Hilary, everything seemed so perfect.

"I still can't believe it," Andy admitted in a whisper, he was afraid he might wake the baby. And as they drove to the airport he looked at Diana and grinned. "What are you going to do about your job?" She had just gotten serious about her career again, and now suddenly, everything was topsy-turvy.

"I guess I'll take maternity leave. I haven't figured that out yet."

"They'll love that," Andy teased. But he was planning to take at least a week off, too, to help Diana and get to know their daughter . . . their daughter . . . their baby. . . . The words still seemed so foreign to them when they said them.

And whenever Diana let herself think of it, she still ached over Jane's loss, and their gain. It seemed a hard way to get a baby, to cause someone else so much pain and take the baby from her. But it was what Jane had wanted, and they had all agreed to.

Hilary woke up just before they boarded the plane, and Diana changed her and fed her some of the glucose. And then she went right back to sleep as Diana laid her down in the little basket. She held her in her arms on the flight home, and she felt the cozy warmth of her on her chest as the baby lay there, sleeping soundly. It was a feeling she'd never had before, the overwhelming sensation of love and peace and warmth that comes from holding a sleepy baby.

"I don't know who looks happier, you or Miss Hilary," Andy said as he smiled at them, and indulged in a drink on the plane.

He really felt he deserved it.

By dinnertime they were home, and Diana looked around, feeling as though she had been gone for a lifetime. So much had happened to them, so much had changed since that fateful phone call on Friday night. Was it only three days? Neither of them could believe it.

"What room should I put her in?" Andy whispered to Diana as he carried the basket.

"Ours, I think. I don't want her too far away from us. And I have to get up with her at night anyway to feed her."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know," he teased, "you just don't want to be away from her for a minute." But he couldn't blame her.

He wanted her close to them too. And he was already wondering, as he gently set her down in the basket next to their bed, if it would be difficult to adopt another.

Diana called her sister, Sam, that night, and asked for the name of the pediatrician, for a "friend," and Sam couldn't see the grin on her older sister's face when she did it. Sam gave her his name, and then Diana asked her how the baby was, and if she'd like to drop by the next day for a visit.

But Sam had finally understood how sensitive Diana was, and she was very cautious when she answered.

"I don't have anyone to leave the baby with, Di. Seamus is working on a new painting. I could come when the other two are at nursery school, but I'd have to bring him." And she knew Diana wouldn't want that.

She had only seen him once since he'd been born, and from a very considerable distance.

"That's all right. I don't mind," she said easily, and Sam frowned at her end, suspicious.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." She actually sounded as though she meant it.

"Are you feeling better about things?" Sam asked cautiously.

She had been shocked by her sister's outburst over Thanksgiving. But in the months since, she had come to understand how great the pain was and she felt stupid about how insensitive they'd all been, and how unaware of her problems.

"I'm much better, Sam," Diana said. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

And then she called her mother. Her father was out of town, which was disappointing. But she invited her mother over for coffee at the same time Sam was coming. And then she called Gayle. They were all free, and she didn't tell any of them why they were invited. But when she hung up after inviting Gayle, she was grinning from ear to ear. She was one of them at last.

She had finally made it. She was a member of the secret society. She had a baby.

"I'm glad you're happy, sweetheart," Andy whispered to her that night.

He had never seen her like this, and now he realized more than ever how much she had wanted a baby. It surprised him to realize that it didn't bother him at all that the baby wasn't biologically related to him. He couldn't have cared less. He thought she was gorgeous. And when she woke up for the first time that night, they both jumped up and grabbed a bottle. Alter that, they took turns, and in the morning, Andy looked at Diana, tired but happy.

"You forgot to call someone last night," he said sleepily as he went back to bed. He had just called his office to tell them that he wouldn't be in again that day and probably not the next one either. He told them he was still sick, and he would have to explain the rest later.

"Who did I forget to call?" Diana looked confused as she thought about it. She'd called both her sisters and her mother.

She'd have her father over as soon as he got back from his trip.

"I can't think of who." Maybe Eloise, but they really weren't all that close now.

"No, I meant Wanda . . . you know . . . Wanda Williams."

"Oh, you jerk." Diana laughed as the baby started to cry. She fed Hilary then, and bathed her, and had her all dressed in one of her new outfits before her family arrived to meet her. But suddenly, as Diana looked at her, before they all came, she realized that what was important was not her family, or how they reacted to her, or what they thought of Diana now that she had a child-what was important was the baby, the little person she was, the woman she would grow to be, and all that she would come to mean, and already meant, to Andy and Diana.

She was someone they had waited what seemed like a lifetime for. They had prayed for her, and fought over her, and almost destroyed each other and themselves when they thought they wouldn't find her. She meant more to them than they could ever tell her, and what other people thought of her actually meant nothing. Diana hoped that her family would love Hilary, and she was sure they would, how could they not?

But if they didn't . . . it just didn't matter. Diana realized that she hadn't failed at trying to have a child. She had simply done things differently. She had met an insurmountable problem, met the devil in her soul, and survived it. Problem solved. Life continues.

There was no victory or defeat here. There was life with all its riches, all its joy and despair, and its infinitely precious gifts.

Hilary was one of them, perhaps the greatest Diana would ever receive.

But she knew now that Hilary's arrival in her life was not a victory for her, it was a blessing.