"Intimate." Jamie rubbed his cheek against Kyle's shoulder, where he'd let his head fall a few moments ago. Kyle took the word on board, turned it around in his mind for a while, and then accepted it with a mental shrug. He liked intimacy, and it was the big thing he usually missed out on because of his tendency to go for one-off affairs.
"Yeah." Kyle was surprised to find his voice had failed, and cleared his throat as subtly as he could after rasping his last word.
"What else do you like?" Jamie looked up at him, resting his chin on Kyle's sternum. The position looked uncomfortable, but maybe Jamie was actually a cat.
"Umm." Kyle had to pause to think about. There were lots of easy answers if the question was 'do you like this?' but when he had to come up with things he wanted to be
thought of
as liking, that was a different story. "Stupid things, probably. Skin contact, especially against my face. Anything that makes everyone involved laugh. Uh." He shrugged—or imitated a shrug as well as he could in his current position. "Dunno. I don't object to much. Depends on circumstances how much I like it. What about you?"
"More or less everything you're doing is great." Jamie turned his head back to the side again and wriggled to rest partially against the back of the couch. "I got
almost
there a lot, just so you know. I always seem to chicken out at the last minute."
Kyle frowned and turned his head to look at Jamie. "I don't think it's cowardly. You've got every right to decide what to do with your body and when. If it doesn't feel right you absolutely don't have to go through with anything."
"That's great advice in theory, but it turns out that in the real world people still expect to get to have sex with the person they're dating eventually. And it's not that I'm not…
interested
. In the concept as a whole. I'm just getting a little old for a first time so it's harder and harder to tell people, but it's also not easy to fake."
Kyle made a sympathetic noise and turned onto his side to sandwich Jamie between his body and the couch, then wrapped both of his arms around him and held him close. "Can I tell you something?"
"Considering that it seems to be Share Your Demons Day, I don't see why not." Jamie's tone was playful, but his expression was earnest.
"I was really hurt when you asked me for sex out of nowhere without trying to ease into it or anything. Not that everyone else doesn't, and not that I didn't want to, I just–" Kyle paused to breathe and gather his thoughts. "I thought you might've wanted to be friends, is all. But I get now that it doesn't mean you
don't
, just that there was a thing you wanted help with and you were asking. And it's not my place to say but I think you're kinda looking at the wrong side of the equation. Maybe. I'm not great at math."
"I do want to be friends with you, Kyle," Jamie said sincerely, though now he looked outright confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if none of the people you've dated have made you comfortable enough or been willing to wait for you, the problem is probably not on your side. Other than that you might wanna raise your standards a little."
"Coming from someone who doesn't appear to ever have waited." Jamie gave Kyle a wry smile and a raised eyebrow.
"Right, yeah, but it's been different for me." Kyle considered whether or not he should continue, but then decided that while they were having a heart-to-heart he might as well be as honest as possible. He never got the opportunity to talk about his past, because anyone he was close enough to already knew it all. "You know I was a mess in high school, right?"
"I know. I may have harboured one or two saviour fantasies but I also knew that line of thinking wouldn't help either of us, and also, I found you intimidatingly attractive."
Jamie's matter-of-fact tone made Kyle laugh unexpectedly. That set Jamie off as well, and they laid there giggling for a few moments before managing to sober again. Kyle had to bite his lip to stop, but eventually managed to calm down.
"That's actually really cute and I'm flattered you cared enough to even think about it." Kyle leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose. "Funny, too, because I mostly thought about dragging you down to my level and then felt really guilty every time I saw you."
"And yet now we stand more or less as put together as each other." Kyle laughed at that as well, but more in relief than humour. He was glad Jamie thought he'd turned it around, because while the people closest to him were encouraging, an outside perspective was
honest
. Jamie had no reason to lie to him.
"Right. My point is I learned way back then that one thing I was good at, and could trade on, was sex. At the same time, I found out I really liked it, and that it made other people happy. So I'm not big on holding back, y'know? It's not costing me anything and I've got no reason to be nervous any more. What I'm trying to get at here is I'm different, and while I think that the way I do stuff now is fine? I don't think it's for everyone."
Jamie hummed thoughtfully and then snuggled closer to Kyle, working one hand free of being pressed against him to let it lay lightly on Kyle's side, hitching up the edge of his t-shirt like Kyle had before with Jamie's sweater. "I had no intention of hurting you. And for the record, I don't actually view you as an interactive sex toy. Just someone I feel like I can trust."
"I was starting to get that." Kyle smiled at him. "Intimidatingly attractive?"
"Yup." Jamie nodded. "I still
do
, why do you think I had to quietly leave my phone number and then communicate via text?" He paused to take a breath. "Everyone involved?"
"Perks of being easy. Sometimes, you get threesomes out of it. Sometimes you get a few more than three." Kyle grinned.
"That sounds terrifying to me, but I understand that other people like the idea." He settled down again, wriggling closer to Kyle's body and closing his eyes once he was comfortable. "I am going to fall asleep like this."
"If you want to, I'm good with that. I could use a nap, too." Kyle was fairly sure it went without saying that he was emotionally exhausted, because Jamie seemed to have reached that point as well. "We should take it to the bedroom."
"Too comfy to move." Jamie protested. Kyle decided not to push the issue.
*~*~*
As soon as the door of the coffee shop closed behind Jamie, Gwen smacked the back of Kyle's legs with a towel. "You slept with him," she hissed, a combination of pride and shock in her voice.
"I didn't!" Kyle defended. "I swear to you… well, no, that's not true. We literally fell asleep together. But there was no exchange of bodily fluids or anything."
Gwen blinked at him. "What?"
"What I said." Kyle shrugged. "I don't sleep with literally everyone who comes over."
"You also don't look at them like that," Gwen pointed out. "So. More to the story. Gimme."
"Promise me,
promise
me that you won't tell another soul?" Kyle chewed on his lip. He was dying to tell someone, but Jamie's privacy was at stake, too. One thing if a positive story or two got around about a student, but Jamie was working here and hoping to teach some day. The last thing he needed was the details of his sex life—or lack thereof—getting around.
"Scout's honour." Gwen nodded, holding her fingers up in a way that was probably supposed to resemble a Boy Scout salute. Kyle had never been a Boy Scout, so he had no idea if it was accurate. He decided to let the fact that Gwen definitely hadn't been one slide.
"I invited him over for sex. But then I got weird and emotional over high school and
he
got weird and emotional over dating assholes and we just decided not to. We had a nap instead. It was nice."
"Doesn't explain the glowing. From both of you."
Kyle sighed. They were wandering into territory he wasn't sure he was ready to talk about. He also wasn't sure Gwen wouldn't laugh at him if he did. Gwen wasn't a cruel person, but Kyle had a tendency to get carried away with things. It was good to have someone like her in his life as a grounding force.
"I don't date, right? But…"
"You want to. Date Jamie. Because he makes your eyes light up like Christmas every time he comes in here and that crush on him you thought you were done harbouring never really went away and now you're trying to pretend it's not back in full force."
If anyone other than Gwen had been able to read his mind that accurately, Kyle would've been surprised. "Yeah. Also, I get the impression he's dated a
lot
of assholes. So I'm not sure I wanna put him through, like,
traditional
dating again? I'm guessing he gets nervous about that kind of thing by now. I want more afternoon naps on the couch." He licked his lips. "Is that stupid?"
"I don't think so." Gwen folded her towel neatly and tucked it back into the string of her apron. "It's different from what you're used to, but that doesn't make it bad. Just different. Do I need to point out here that it's how most people do things?"
"I kinda know that." Kyle shifted his weight between his feet and looked out at the practically empty shop. A customer right about now would've been great. It didn't look like anyone was about to fulfil that wish, though. "Am I ready to have a semi-serious, semi-adult relationship?"
"You won't know until you try."
Kyle stopped polishing the coffee machine. It was probably the most sound advice he'd ever been given. "That's a really good point."
Finally, someone chose that moment to walk in the door. Kyle gave them a smile so cheerful it probably scared them a bit, then a small group followed, and the conversation dropped mercifully away as half a class that had apparently gotten out early came in for their caffeine fix.
Kyle had a lot to think about.
*~*~*
It took very little convincing to get Jamie to agree to come over Friday night, so Kyle figured he was eager enough. Considering that, the possible reasons Kyle was coming up with in his head for Jamie being half an hour late were starting to go from 'he's just gotten delayed somewhere' to 'he's been hit by a truck'.
When the doorbell rang, Kyle nearly had a heart attack. He rushed to answer it and found Jamie on the other side, looking sheepish but still edible. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I had a pipe burst in my apartment and had to wait until maintenance showed up and try not to drown in the meantime. They're fixing it tomorrow."
"Oh, right. Uh, it's no problem." Kyle stepped back from the door. "I might've been starting to worry, though."
"That's very sweet of you." Jamie leaned in to kiss Kyle's cheek. "I'm starving."
Kyle grinned. "That's good, because dinner is soon. Pizza okay?"
"I remember you promising to cook for me."
"I am." Kyle raised an eyebrow and headed for the kitchen, expecting Jamie to follow. "My dough is done rising and everything."
"You're making pizza from scratch?" Jamie followed him and sat down on one of the stools on the opposite side of the kitchen bench.
"Obviously. Is there any other way?"
"Jesus." Jamie stared.
Kyle did an internal victory dance. He'd hoped to impress Jamie just a little with his spotty-at-best culinary skills. "It's no big deal."
Movie nights weren't the same without pizza and he'd taught himself how to do it so he could have people over and feed them. Homemade cost pennies on the dollar in comparison to delivery. He'd been doing it for so long it almost never occurred to him not do it now even though he was more financially comfortable.
Kyle covered his hands and board in flour and got to work. He'd sort of made the process into an art since the first few tasty but far from perfect attempts, so he knew it looked good. Jamie sat staring at him like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.
"Any preferences on what goes on it?"
"I'll put my faith in you, since you clearly know what you're doing."
Kyle grinned and got an assortment of stuff out of the fridge, then made a handful of mini bases from the dough so they could try a bunch of different things. He worked quickly, not wanting to draw the process out so long that it went from impressive to boring, and put everything in the oven to cook.
"If I hadn't already decided I was going to put out tonight, that would've sold me on the idea."
"I didn't invite you over for that." Kyle looked at Jamie steadily. "I mean it. I'm not expecting anything."
"I…" Jamie paused. Kyle busied himself with tidying up the kitchen while he waited for Jamie to get his thoughts together. If he really wanted to, Kyle wasn't going to refuse him. On the other hand, he didn't want to join the ranks of people who wouldn't hang out with Jamie without the promise of sex later. Kyle had a perfectly good right hand that'd been serving him well all week and he was fine with continuing that way.
"You really mean that, don't you?" Jamie regarded him with narrowed eyes, as though the notion was difficult for him to believe. Kyle was honestly starting to want to punch out some of his exes.
"I really mean that. I'm also gonna ask you to stay the night since you've got no water at your place, and the bed's big enough to share, and I'm still not gonna expect sex. I'll even take the couch if you'd rather
not
share."
"I'd like to share," Jamie said almost before Kyle was finished talking. "Thank you."
"I don't want you thinking of it as putting out. You don't owe me. You don't owe anyone sex, ever. Which I realise probably sounds ridiculous coming from me, but—"
"It doesn't," Jamie interrupted. "I thought, initially, that what you were doing was destructive. But I'm realising it's not. Not at all."
"It was in the beginning. But I've turned it around, figured out the good and the bad. And I know it's only good if you really, genuinely want it, for your own reasons. Never because you think you're supposed to."
"I'm starting to think I really want to." Jamie blushed faintly. "But maybe not tonight? You've spoiled me with cuddles."
"Hey, dude, I'm into cuddles." Kyle held his hands up in surrender, grinning at Jamie. "No arguments from me. I'll just be ready when you are, okay? You'll tell me when you really want it."