“Don’t forget.”
Miriam and Seth turned and strolled down the lane in the direction of Miriam’s house. Summer wildflowers grew along the fence that separated the Yoders’ pasture from the road. It was a beautiful day for a picnic with not a hint of rain in the sky.
“Leaving your buggy here?” Miriam said.
“Laura will take it home. Ellie is not happy when Laura drives, but she does fine. My dat slept in this morning. Once we finally got ready to come, Ellie insisted that we were going to be late and stayed home because she refused to show up late. I am glad we were late. I got to sit by your brother.”
“Denki. That was very kind.”
Seth slowed his pace to match Miriam’s. “I asked Doug about Yost. He says teenage boys are difficult. Their front lobes aren’t connected by the corpus calculus—okay, that is not what he said, but it sounded like French to me. Some boys react to it extra hard.”
“Can anything be done to help?”
“Yost could be depressed. Doug wants to meet him.” He stopped and looked Miriam in the eyes. “Not many people know about this, but there is a small group that comes to my stable every Tuesday night, if you want to bring Yost. Doug calls it ‘group therapy.’ We talk about emotional issues people are having, like depression or anxiety. I only ask that you don’t talk about who is there or what is discussed.”
Miriam folded her arms. Ephraim wouldn’t approve. “I don’t know if that would be good.”
Seth glanced at Miriam. “If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t give it a second thought. Would Ephraim not like it?”
Miriam kept quiet. That didn’t sound like a good reason, even to herself.
He put his hands in his pockets. “Everybody deals with trouble in his own way. Ephraim might not be sure of what to say. If he is afraid of saying the wrong thing, he might stay away.” He shrugged his shoulders. “There is a gathering at Wengerds on Wednesday. Talk to him. Maybe he is waiting for you to come to him.”
Miriam almost felt like smiling. “I hadn’t considered that before, but surely you must be right. Like as not I have been worried over nothing. Susie leaves on Wednesday afternoon for Canada, but perhaps I can come to the gathering after I see her to the bus.”
“She doesn’t seem happy to be leaving.”
“It will be a great adventure. She has never been outside the county before.”
Seth put a hand on her arm. “Miriam, look at me. Does she want to go?”
Miriam couldn’t meet his eyes, but she couldn’t lie to him. “The thought of going makes her ill.”
“How long will she be gone?”
“Until January.”
“Why is she going, Miriam?”
“I—I thought it best…for us.”
Seth pressed his lips into a stiff line and considered her for a moment before his eyes grew wide.
“Oh sis yuscht!
I am beginning to see.” He took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair. “She is going to have a baby, isn’t she?”
Perhaps she should have been angry, or mortified, at Seth’s declaration, but to her surprise, Miriam felt a profound sense of relief rush over her. More inevitable tears ran down her face. “How did you know?”
“I only just realized it. I remembered that strange encounter at the drugstore, and when I saw Susie today, I thought she didn’t look good and hasn’t for many weeks—like all the life has drained out of her.”
Bitterness filled Miriam’s mouth. “Another testament to the wickedness of our family, Ephraim would say.”
Seth stopped walking, took her hand, and pulled her to a stop. “Why do you say that? You must never believe it.”
“Don’t you?”
He studied her face. “You know Susie better than I do. Do you truly believe that your gentle sister is wicked? She is afraid of singing too loudly in church.”
“She has committed a grievous sin.”
“Jah, I suppose that is true, but I do not believe Susie set out to find wickedness, do you?”
“Nae.”
“Perhaps she tried to fulfill her need for love in a forbidden relationship.”
Miriam thought of her conversation with Susie.
“I only want to be loved.”
“You are loved.”
“I am ignored.”
The gravel crunched beneath their shoes as they slowly walked down the road. A bird high overhead spread his wings in flight. Seth kicked a pebble near his feet. “She is guilty of letting someone stronger persuade her. She could not have completely understood what she was getting into.”
Miriam put her hand to her heart to keep it from swelling out of her chest. “Most men are not as forgiving as you.”
“Who am I to judge Susie?”
“Please, keep it a secret. She would be crushed if anyone knew.”
“I won’t tell a soul.”
Silence prevailed between them for a few moments as a lone pickup truck passed them and kicked up a dust cloud. “She is going to deliver the baby and place it with a family in Canada and then come home. No one will ever have to find out.”
“Your parents hope to protect her from embarrassment.”
“My parents don’t know.”
Seth stopped walking again. “You haven’t told your parents?”
The kindness in his voice brought fresh tears to her eyes. It felt wonderful to receive a little sympathy. “A few weeks ago it seemed like a gute plan, for Susie and for our family. It would have spared us the disgrace…but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Susie could turn to dust and blow away, she’s so unhappy. I want to do what is best, but I don’t know what that is anymore.”
Seth shook his head. “I can’t imagine what you have been going through, and I certainly do not know the right answer for your sister, but can I give you one piece of advice?”
“Please.”
“Your parents love Susie more than anyone else does. Talk to them. They will know what to do.”
“I am afraid of what they will say.”
“They would be heartbroken if they knew their daughters were bearing this burden all by themselves.”
Earlier, Miriam had dismissed telling her parents, but when Seth made the suggestion, it seemed like the most sensible idea in the world. A burden shared was a burden lightened. “You are right. It wonders me that I didn’t do it sooner.”
“It wonders me how you could be so brave with all you’ve had to bear.” He held her gaze with that intense look in his eyes, as if he were trying to see through her skull and read the thoughts in her head.
Miriam’s face grew warm, and she put her hand to her forehead under the pretense of wiping her brow. “Did you know what I was trying to pay for at the drugstore?”
“Nae. I told the girl that the Amish are very private people and asked her to show a little compassion. I don’t think she knew how to argue with that. I am sorry if you felt uncomfortable.”
At the moment, she felt nothing but gratitude. “I was uncomfortable to even be there. If I hadn’t still been so mad at you, I would have thanked you a thousand times over.”
“I am glad I could help.”
Miriam saw a green mailbox with ivy twining around it and realized they had reached her house.
Seth put his hat on his head. “Will you be all right?”
Miriam nodded.
“I feel very bad for Susie. I am sure that the thought of leaving her family is terrifying. And giving up her baby—I cannot imagine the heartache. It is gute she has such a sister as you to help her through this.” He gave her a half smile. “I will see you at the gathering on Wednesday night?”
“Jah, I will come.”
“Gute. If you will be there, I might be able to convince Laura to attend. She wants your approval on some fabric.”
Walking backward, Seth kept his gaze fixed on her until he passed the fence that marked the edge of Bontrager property. Then he ambled down the road with his hands in his pockets.
Miriam took the edge of her apron in one hand and swished it back and forth as she walked to the house. She let her hand glide along the railing of her porch and fingered the pink-and-cream roses on the trellis outside the front door. Burying her face in one of the blooms, she breathed in the scent of strawberry taffy.
Even though nothing had changed, she felt lighter than she had for weeks as she walked into the house.
Susie ran the back of her hand across her nose. “Okay. I am ready.”
If Susie’s red, puffy eyes didn’t alert Mamm and Dat to the fact that Susie had been crying, the uncontrolled sniffling and hiccupping would have given her away immediately. Even though she was terrified of Mamm and Dat’s reaction, once Miriam persuaded her, Susie agreed that they should be told everything. The burden of the secret had become unbearable.
After supper, their parents strolled to the bench swing that hung from a sturdy beam jutting out from a wall of the barn. The swing faced west, and they often sat there on a Sunday evening, visiting, while the children played Scrabble or Chinese checkers.
As soon as the little boys were occupied with a game and Susie composed herself enough to go through with it, Miriam and her sister followed their parents outside.
Miriam let Susie lead the way. After all, it was ultimately her story to tell and her life that would never be the same, no matter what she chose.
The sky glowed orange and pink, and an occasional bird chirped an evening song. If not for the circumstances, it would have been the perfect evening to sit on the grass with Ephraim and her siblings and tell funny stories or read verses from the Bible. Ephraim would never try to steal a kiss, but perhaps on a night like this he would brush his hand over hers and squeeze her fingers affectionately when her brothers weren’t watching. He’d never attempted it before, but it was a lovely thought.
Miriam caught up with Susie and grabbed her hand as they approached the swing. They stood in front of their parents, hand in hand, leaning on each other for support.
Dat immediately took his arm from around Mamm’s shoulders and raised his eyebrows. “This looks important.”
“Susie has something to tell you,” Miriam said. She wrapped an arm around her sister, who seemed to wither under Dat’s curious eye.
Mamm looked from Miriam to Susie. “What is it, dear? You have been crying. Have you changed your mind about Canada?”
Miriam could feel Susie trembling. She squeezed Susie’s hand.
“Something terrible has happened,” Susie said—and then her courage gave way and she pulled from Miriam and sobbed into her open hands.
Together, Mamm and Dat stood and wrapped their arms around Miriam and Susie in a four-way hug. “What is it, Susie?” Mamm said. “What is the matter?”
“We need to sit,” Miriam said.
They broke the connection and sat side by side on the bench, Susie in between Mamm and Dat with Miriam on the other side of Dat. Mamm and Dat both put an arm around Susie and leaned in until their heads almost touched.
“I can’t do it,” said Susie between sobs. “Miriam, you must tell.”
Miriam saw no other option but the plain, painful truth served quickly and calmly. “Susie is pregnant,” she said, her voice unable to mask her own distress.
Mamm and Dat looked at each other, their eyes wide. Their mouths sank into deep frowns.
“How can that be?” Dat said, measuring each word as if it weighed a ton in his mouth.
They sat in shock until Mamm took in her breath sharply. “I should have known. How could I not have recognized it?”
A low, soft growl escaped Dat’s throat. “When did this happen? Who is the father?”
Mamm put a hand on his knee.
“It does not matter,” Miriam said. “What’s done is done.”
“It is the only thing that matters.” Dat’s voice rose with his agitation. “He must do what is right by our daughter.”
“She does not want to marry him, Dat. And he does not want to marry her.”
“Does not want to marry her? After what he did to my daughter? Is he an Englischer, then?”
Mamm patted his hand. He unclenched his fists and took a deep breath.
“When will the baby come?” Mamm asked.
“December,” Susie said in a barely audible whisper.
“We planned for her to go to Canada to have the baby and leave it with a family there.”
Pain flashed in Mamm’s eyes. “And never tell us?”
“Jah,” Miriam said, “but we changed our minds. If Susie were my daughter, I would want to know.”
Dat slapped his knee and stood up. “She is my daughter, and I want to know who the father is.”
Mamm and Miriam scooted closer to Susie to shield her from Dat’s anger, the anger that had never surfaced before Yost’s arrest.
“John,” Mamm scolded, “hold your temper. We must think what is best for Susie.”
“I know what is best for my daughter. There is no argument.”
Mamm’s voice rose to match Dat’s. “I will argue with you if you are wrong.”
“Please,” Susie said. “Please, stop.”
Dat took a step forward and pointed to the ground in front of him as if he had written his words in the dirt and wanted to make sure Susie saw them. “You ask me to stop? Susie, you are in no position to ask anything of your fater. How could you have done this?”
Squaring her shoulders, she stood and motioned for Dat to sit in her place. “Pappa, I will not marry the father. Can you trust me and accept what I say?”
Dat declined Susie’s invitation to sit. “I will not trust a child who has sinned in the vilest way.”
Miriam had thought that Susie might wither under Dat’s serious eye. Instead, in a strong, determined voice that Miriam had never heard before, she said, “I know I have sinned. You cannot imagine how I have suffered for that sin. You don’t listen anymore, Dat. You don’t listen to Yost, and you don’t listen to me.”
Dat spun on his heels and strode a few steps away. He stood with his back to them, his hands on his hips. They stared at him while he slowly dropped his hands to his side and bowed his head. Was he praying?
The uncomfortable silence persisted until Dat raised his head, turned to face them, and softened his expression. He sat next to Mamm and slid his arm around her shoulders. “I am sorry. I will try to listen. I hope you understand my anger. This is a great shock.”
“Miriam and I thought it would be best to keep my baby a secret from you. I feared you would stop loving me the way you have stopped loving Yost.”
Dat looked as if he had been struck by lightning. His mouth fell open, and he furrowed his brow. “I never for a minute stopped loving Yost.” He shook his head slightly. “But no one would ever know it, would they?” He reached out and took Susie’s hand. “You have done something very serious, Susie, and you carry a great burden because of it. A great burden with grave consequences. But you must never for one minute believe that I don’t love you or that you are a lesser person because of this. We are all sinners and come short of the glory of God, but we are never short of His love.”
Susie studied Dat’s face, trying to determine whether he meant what he said. What she saw in his eyes must have convinced her. She wept in relief. “I know it would be better if I left Apple Lake, but I dread being away. I think my heart would break.”
Dat stood and pulled Susie into his arms and held her while she cried. After a few minutes he reached into his pocket and produced a handkerchief to replace Susie’s soaked one.
“If you stay here, there is no hiding the truth and you will live with it forever,” he said softly. “Most will look past what happened and show you love, but others will say unkind things about you and probably avoid you. You will feel the sting of their rejection.”
Susie dabbed at her face with the handkerchief. “I have thought about this for so long. My head spins with unpleasant choices. This is my sin, and I take responsibility for the consequences. I think I could stand the shame from the community, but my decision affects the entire family, as we have seen with Yost. The Neuenschwanders wouldn’t even sit by him at gmay.”
Miriam caught her breath, surprised that Susie had even noticed, when she seemed completely wrapped up in her own problems.
Dat massaged his forehead. “Since I have not treated my own son with compassion, how can I expect anyone else to? But, Susie, we would never wish you to go away, no matter the consequences.”
“I can endure anything if I am with my family,” Susie said, “but I will do anything to make Miriam happy, and Miriam would rather see me go.”
Miriam’s heart flipped over in her chest. Hiding her own embarrassment had been more important than Susie’s feelings, and Susie had sensed it. Miriam felt about six inches tall.
“I want you to do what is best for you,” Miriam said.
Susie sat next to Miriam on the swing. “You are so good. I am not worthy to be called your sister. If I go to Canada, you won’t have a daily reminder of my sin.”
Miriam threw her arms around Susie and clutched her tightly, not to comfort her sister but to draw comfort from her. How could she have been so blind to her own behavior? She had treated Susie with disdain, even if it was only with her negative thoughts.
Ach, how grateful she felt that Seth had chastised her so many weeks ago at the auction. He’d forced her to examine her own heart and find weakness there.
“I have been selfish,” Miriam said, thinking of Seth’s unconditional concern for someone else’s sister. “If you would rather stay, I want you to stay. You are my sister. I will never be ashamed of you.”
Susie pulled away and smiled the exultant smile that Miriam hadn’t seen for weeks. “I want to stay with my family. I won’t be a burden to anyone. I will do all the cooking and the cleaning. You won’t regret my decision.”
“Don’t be silly,” Mamm said. “You have a buplie coming. We will take care of you.”
Dat patted her arm. “No matter the choice, it is a hard row to hoe, Susie. Do you understand?”
“Jah. I still must decide if I will raise the baby or give it away.”
Wrinkles lined Mamm’s forehead. “Give away my grandchild? I cannot bear the thought.” She studied Susie’s face and sat back. “I apologize. This is your decision. We will support you no matter what.”
Miriam relaxed her shoulders as the weight of the world fell from them. They still faced another week of house arrest for Yost and a fatherless baby for Susie, but Miriam felt like kicking off her shoes and running through the grass. Love for her family enveloped her as she rejoiced in her lightened burden. She had finally done the right thing, letting go of control and trusting in God and her parents.
Thank you, Seth Lambright, for nudging me in the right direction.
She hugged Susie and practically danced to the house, amazed at how differently she’d felt only an hour ago. But her steps slowed as she walked up the back steps. The community would soon know everything.
So would Ephraim.
Her heart lurched.
Difficult times lay ahead.