I grabbed an old t-shirt from my dresser and handed it to him, “Apply pressure,” I instructed. My medical expertise didn’t go much beyond a couple episodes of
Gray’s Anatomy
, but it seemed like the right thing to say. “Speak, would you? You’re freaking me out.”
Another small smile appeared on his lips. Had his face not resembled a Heath Ledger version of the Joker, it would have been one of his heart melting grins.
“
I’m leaving,” he finally pronounced, “My father found out that I helped you rescue Bryce last night. The punishment involved a pair of scissors and my senior year at a private boarding school. He won’t tell me where.”
“
What do you mean you helped me?” I asked, confused. Why was Levi taking credit for my daring maneuvers?
“
I was following you,” he sighed. “When I saw that you were going to The Valencia, I called ahead and told the guys who were keeping guard of Bryce to go home.”
“
Why would you do that Levi?” I whispered, shocked by this revelation.
“
Because… I love you Chelsea. It was the least I could do. I knew you’d found the map, and I was sure you’d try to take the whole thing into your own hands. I just wanted to give you an edge. But then James got suspicious and checked with my father. When he found out that I’d double crossed him, he was livid. He locked me in a room and made me watch…” he paused and looked to be in pain, physical I was sure, but emotional too? “He made me watch you. Being trapped in that tiny room. The branding. You were so brave,” he reached out and stroked the side of my check. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Levi had put himself on the line for
me
? Impossible. “Chelsea, I know I have been indefensibly awful to you. I don’t know if you will ever forgive me, but I am here to beg you to wait for me. So I can earn your trust again.”
I began shaking my head, “Levi, the way that you’ve treated me… It’s unforgivable.”
He put his palm to his forehead, “I know. But can’t you see? I was doing it because I had to. If I hadn’t kept you in line, my father would have done something much worse. I couldn’t let that happen. I love you too much, Punky.”
“
There is no excuse,” I stammered, “Maybe your father… Maybe he might account for a
fraction
of what you’ve put me through. But what about the beatings, the bruises? What about the belt Levi? What about that?” I could hear my voice rising, the anger that I’d kept in such close check over the past month finally bursting through its fragile shell, “That’s not how you love somebody. Don’t you know that?”
I could see a tiny tear dribble out of the corner of his eye, he quickly brushed it away, “You’re right,” he said, sounding regretful, “But I’ve never loved anyone before. I’ve never wanted to. I knew caring about someone else would make me weak and vulnerable. And it has, but I don’t care anymore, because being with you… Knowing you… You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. No one has ever loved me. But you do. I know you do, Chelsea.” I looked away from him as he said this, I didn’t dare give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right. “Please, give me one more chance. I’ll be back next summer and I’ll be the best boyfriend. I’ll treat you the way you deserve. I won’t hurt you ever again. I swear.”
“
Levi,” I said, my voice dripping with frustration, “If it is so easy for you to control your anger, then why didn’t you stop yourself that night by the car? Or any of the times you’ve pulled my hair or grabbed my arm, or thrown me across the room? Do you think I’m just going to forget about all that? Do you really think I could?”
“
People can change. It happens all the time. Remember how you said once, that being bad is easy, but being virtuous takes work?” How odd, I thought, to hear Levi quoting my own paraphrasing of Conner’s insights at this defining moment in my life, “I’m ready to do the hard work. I want to be good for you.” His eyes looked so earnest, so totally sincere. The truth is, even though I knew I was being naive, I believed what he said about loving me, and even about wanting to be a better person, but about not hurting me? I wasn’t fooled, not even for a second. I knew Levi’s temper, his overwhelming need for control and domination. He was making a promise that would be impossible for him to keep.
“
No Levi,” I said, forcing myself to stay strong, “I’ll never be able to trust you.”
“
But Chelsea, don’t you love me?” he asked, his voice cracking.
I looked into his eyes, pools of sorrow filled blue, “Yes, I love you,” I admitted, “But that’s not enough. You want me to be somebody I’m not. Someone who will do what you say without question; someone who will look the other way when you do drugs, or beat people up, or whatever else your Delancey legacy requires. But that’s not me Levi, and I am sick and tired of pretending it is. I can’t do it anymore. I won’t. ”
He shook his head as tears began to stream down his cheeks, “When I come back, I am going to prove to you that I’ve changed. You’ll take me back, Punky, I know you will.”
I sighed, resigned. There would be no agreement on either of our parts that night, “You’d better get out of here before you keel over,” I said as I ran my hand through his hair one last time, which still looked perfectly mussed despite everything.
He held my face in his hands “I love you,” he said, “Please wait for me.”
I watched Levi from my bedroom window as he climbed into Noah’s car, his arm folded tightly over his stomach, holding my old t-shirt, now soaking with blood, to his wound. He felt my eyes on him and turned to wink at me. A small, pained smile appeared on his face, just as the car pulled into the street, and then he was gone. Just. Like. That.
As I stared out at the night, watching the first signs of dawn crawling over the hills behind my house, I thought about what kind of person Levi would be if he’d been plucked from his hospital bassinet and dropped into a loving, caring home with parents like mine. How different would he be if the Bennett’s hadn’t wrapped their ruthless and vindictive claws around him and pushed him forward like a feral child being raised by the devil himself? Would he be the Levi of my fantasies rather than the one of my nightmares?
My eyes focused on the sun as it began peeking its expectant face over the tree speckled hills. A new day was beginning, both metaphorically and literally, and I finally forced myself to concede to the absolute truth; a truth that compromised my beliefs, my values and my sense of self. Despite everything, I was completely, hopelessly,
idiotically
in love with Levi Bennett. It was a sick and twisted love, but love nonetheless, and I found myself incapable of denying it.
I couldn’t place the exact moment when I’d given my heart over to him. Maybe it was the first time my eyes had rested on his perfect face, or when his thumb had first brushed my cheek so lightly, or maybe it was that night when we’d danced under the stars. I’m not sure, but it was as if, at that moment, I had wrapped my beating heart in a ribbon and presented at his feet, “Take this,” I’d said, “My heart is yours. Beat me, bruise me, put me down, make me feel stupid and ugly, but I’m yours, all yours.”
As quickly as Levi had descended upon my life, altering its course for ever more, he was gone. I knew as I watched the sky turn pink under the early morning sun that I had done the right thing. Finally. I had summoned the strength and courage to look into the eyes of the person I loved and tell him that it was over. It had taken me most of the summer to do what part of me had always known was inevitable. I’d stolen back my heart, and placed it in its rightful home, where I would keep it safely guarded for the rest of my life.
I had changed that summer. I had left behind the Chelsea Mallory that had once existed in favor of a new persona, one I didn’t fully recognize as of yet. She would be confident and logical, like the old Chelsea, of that I was certain, but the new Chelsea would have to be like a charm bracelet hanging with the precious traits I had collected from all around. From Hannah I would borrow her flirty exuberance. The eyelash batting, hair tossing glow that made everyone want to be near her. Conner would loan me his unyielding sense of morality. And although, I knew I wouldn’t always act accordingly, I would need to hold tightly to my ethics. From Levi, I would take his incredible ability to instantly access exactly what people wanted to hear, and deliver the message to them with absolute conviction. But most important, was the trait that I had inherited from Toby Fanning, something I never would have imagined him to possess. Courage. Toby had hidden that map in the picture frame. He’d withstood unimaginable torture to protect its whereabouts and thereby his family.
I allowed a small, but fragile smile to cross my lips. And if it were a movie, this would be the part where a slightly upbeat rendition of Lenard Cohn’s
Hallelujah
would begin to play. But it’s not a movie. It’s just the story of the summer where I learned that love is not black or white or even some shade of gray. That life is complicated and can sometimes be almost too much to bear. That all anyone can really count on is their own ability to kick some serious ass. And Hallelujah for that.
Epilogue
To: Chelsea Mallory
From: Hannah Larson
Subject: Got it.
Chelsea-
Damn girl, you’ve had me feeling as jumpy as thoroughbred racehorse ever since I got your psycho-assed phone call. I’m not sure what kind of crack you have been smoking, but have you forgotten that I play the role of lead Drama Queen in our friendship?
Anyways, I wanted to report that after a long, and from what I can surmise, uncalled for postal strike, your package finally arrived today. Let me just say, that misshapen mound of wax barely passes for a candle. I’m still waiting to hear why this purple ode to lumpiness had you all freaked out when you called. But since I love you like the sister I never had (Shannon doesn’t count-I refuse to acknowledge her existence), I’ve found a perfect hiding spot for the candle, right next to my journal and a stash of glow in the dark, ribbed for her annoyance condoms.
Speaking of annoyances, Andrew is out and a new American hottie is in. Way in. Andrew was nice enough, but I think that his adorable Scottish accent blinded me to the stark reality that he was one hundred and thirty percent loser. I am only willing to go so far with a man in a skirt—and I don’t care if it’s a cultural tradition, so are Crocs in America, and you don’t see me slipping into those hideous rubber monstrosities. I don’t care how comfortable everyone says they are. But I digress. What was I saying? Oh yes, Perfect American Male.
I met him yesterday in the cafeteria. He was behind me in line with a baked potato on his tray. I could tell just by the way he was wearing white socks that he wasn’t British (they only wear black-it’s weird). So, I was like, “Don’t let them talk you into the tuna topping. I know the Brits will never believe it, but there are certain things that shouldn’t be cuddy buddies with tuna fish.” Then he smiled, and OMG Chelsea. I swear to friggin’ God, I thought I was going to pass out from shock. He is the most insanely HOT guy I have ever laid eyes on. I am not even overstating it a little. I swear.
I don’t mean to go all poetic here, but his lips are like two plump little pink pillows, all pouty and soft. They are the kind of lips that make you want to skip the small talk and proceed directly to the janitors closet for some serious snogging. BTW, snogging is just making-out, so don’t think I’m that big of a slut. But his eyes were what really got my attention. The only way to fully understand just how amazingly, profoundly blue they are, is to go to the iTunes store and look up the album Nevermind, by Nirvana. You’ll see this baby floating in water. Well, the water is exactly the shade of blue I’m talking about. Oh and P.S., he’s got a body that is like Thelma and Louise era Brad Pitt. Cross my heart, I’m not exaggerating!
Long story short, as it turns out he is a new boarder at my school, meaning he is lucky enough to not live with his parents. And random coincidence, he is from Santa Juanita. Small freaking world, right? Tonight he is taking me out to a pub on Prince’s St. to hear some eighties punk band he hearts. I am beyond excited. I think I’m going to piss my pants.
So, if you ever get your act together and WRITE ME BACK, I’ll give you the glorious details of our first date. They are sure to be juicy, if I have anything to say about it.
Love you Chels!
XOXO,
Hannah
P.S. I almost forgot, he says he thinks he knows you. Do you recognize the name Levi Bennett?
Thanks for reading, MESSED UP. Hope you enjoyed it! If you did, “Like” MESSED UP on
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as:
@ChelsMallory16
@BennettLevi
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--molly