Matters of Circumstance (7 page)

She noticed his wings begin to relax and hoped that she hadn’t ruined everything with her denial. “I was a real mess, back in that bathroom.”

“Just for the record, if you had been the average kindred spirit I would have done a lot less for you,” he said, his smile growing in brilliance as his confidence returned. “I almost walked, you know; I
did not
want to see you like that. But I stayed because… well, it was you. Did you not notice the way I rambled, the first few times we talked? I was so nervous.”

“What? That was
nerves?”
She supposed it was sort of ironic that this was the thing to really astound her, but still—he acted like
that
when he was nervous? He had to be kidding.

Neal’s expression told her all she needed to know. “And I don’t know if you’re aware,” he said off-handedly. “But guys don’t usually have so many emotional conversations with just any old person, either.”

She was shocked, and she was embarrassed—no, mortified was a better word—but it was somehow bearable as long as this was the only person to see her so uncollected. Not knowing what else to do, Farrah followed her instinct and hugged him.

“Thank you for going through all of that for me,” she said earnestly, holding onto him as tightly as her numb limbs and racing heart would allow. “I don’t know what I would have done without you, Neal, and I’m not just saying that.”

He did not waste any time in returning her embrace. The contact made her heart swell. She hadn’t been hugged since the granulomas had formed on her back, nearly two months ago—practically a lifetime, in teen years.

Well, long enough to forget how nice a hug was, at any rate.

“I always sort of hoped you would say something like that,” he murmured. “Didn’t think I’d actually hear it, though.”

She shook her head against him, but her chest was too warm and tight to speak. Maybe he would get the message if she somehow found a way to hug him closer. His wings brushed against her arms as they fluttered sedately open and closed. Their skin was only slightly cooler than his body, and they felt so real. Even if this was possible to feel on another, she wouldn’t want to.

Neal’s cheek rested on top of her head in what was probably the most intimate gesture she had ever known. “Does this mean we’ve graduated from being friends sharing the same secret to being a couple?” he asked softly.

“What the hell do you think?” she said, voice muffled only slightly by his torso.

“Okay, just making sure.” He let out a breath himself and rested against her a little more heavily. For a while they stayed like that, and she really was content with it. Then Neal ruined all the tenderness by saying, “But you know what has to happen next. You’ve really got to start talking to your parents, Farrah. We’re always over here—I want to go to your house, for once.”

Perhaps it had been too idealistic to think he wouldn’t bring something like that up at a time like this. This wasn’t the end, there were still obstacles to overcome. Right now she didn’t have to face it all, and she wasn’t going to.

“Shut up. I just want to have the nice moment,” she grumbled.

“Too late for that; there’ll be others,” he said, and while his voice was back to normal he pushed her back with strangely gentle hands. “Right now there are things to do, you know?”

‘Now everybody’s going to war

But we don’t know what we’re fighting for

They tell me it’s a worthy cause

No cause could be so worthy

If love is a drug I guess we’re all sober

If hope is a song I guess it’s all over

Hard to have faith when faith is a crime—’

“Oh come on, that song is so depressing. Change it?”

“Okay, okay—I just thought it was catchy.”

‘Look inside, look inside your tiny mind—’

“Oh no. My friends are always playing that song on a loop. They think it’s hilarious, but I’m so sick of it I could explode.”

“But it
is
funny.”

“Not after the twenty-seventh rendition it’s not.”

“Well, fuck you very, very much.”

“You can quote the song all you like, but that doesn’t mean I’ll listen to it.” Neal turned to face her when she laughed. “So how’s that Algebra II coming?”

Somehow, she wasn’t surprised that he had asked her that. “It’s not,” said Farrah, scrolling through her iPod for a song he wouldn’t veto. “Hyperbolas are kicking my butt.”

“You guys are still on hyperbolas?” Neal sounded rather shocked.

“We’re a stupid class, shut up.” She finally selected an old Rihanna song and waited for the impending criticism, but it didn’t come. Neal was unexpectedly anal about music, and while it could be amusing it could also be really annoying. She was about ready to throw the towel in on it all and tell him to either play DJ himself or not have music at all.

“I guess so.” He abandoned his Civics homework at his desk in favor of sprawling out next to her on his bed. The grin he was giving her was predictably lighthearted, and it still made her heart jump. They had only been like this for the better part of a week, so she figured it was only natural.

Right now they were at Neal’s house, and while they were supposed to be doing homework they weren’t actually getting much work done. They kept getting sidetracked by things like music or funny stories they had forgotten to tell each other. They talked more than Farrah remembered speaking to anybody, and sometimes Neal got her laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. To someone like Farrah, who hadn’t had a best friend in years, their interactions were at once foreign and exciting. It was like she could tell Neal anything—absolutely anything—and it still wouldn’t change his opinion of her.

“So what’s so hard about hyperbolas?” he asked, laying on his stomach and propping his cheek up on his hand. Behind him, his naked wings folded and unfolded slowly. “You understood ellipses and parabolas, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she said, closing her workbook and shoving the led of her mechanical pencil back in so it wouldn’t break. “For some reason it just isn’t clicking for me.”

“Weird.”

“I know.”

Then she noticed how expectantly he was looking at her. “What?”

“Aren’t you going to ask for help?”

“Are you offering to teach me?”

“I wouldn’t mind doing that, if you asked. I’ve been told I’m a pretty good tutor.” His smirk was back now, and it was back with a vengeance. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy harassing her.

Not that she didn’t already know this or anything. She just didn’t quite see what made this particular conversation so entertaining.

Farrah rolled her eyes slightly and slapped her books down on the mattress as she laid next to him. “Fine. I’m asking you to please make my math homework make sense,” she said.

“Alright then—what kind of problems do you have? Let’s start with that.”

It turned out that Neal was only a good tutor in some aspects. He showed her what she was doing wrong and how to get the answers she wanted, but he couldn’t seem to do simple math (that was to say, he could only get it right after a few tries). He also had a mild case of graphing dyslexia. Farrah found herself correcting him more than he corrected her, sometimes. It made her wonder if she was actually being taught properly.

“Oh my god, Neal, you need to go back to third grade!” she exclaimed at one point, swiping her papers back from him before he could mess anything else up.

“That’s because I’m doing it in my head! Usually I’ve got it all written down or in a calculator!” He tried to take the papers back, and while his protests were slightly indignant his shoulders and wings were quaking with the force of the laughter he was holding in.

Farrah refused to let her work go. “Then get a calculator. There’s one on your desk!” And she pointed with her free hand. His phone was sitting right next to it, too, and hers was in her bag on the ground. As none of these things were within easy reach, there was no quick fix to be had there, either.

Sure enough, he whined, “But it’s so far away.”

And seeing as he hadn’t noticed her laziness yet, she was going to continue acting as if this was all his fault. “It is not, and if you don’t get it you can’t tutor me anymore. I’m not going to let you confuse me even more than you already have.”

That got Neal to laugh aloud, and it warmed her to hear it. He had never been the type to become abruptly offended, of course, but that didn’t stop her from feeling happy when he showed that he got something out of their relationship, too.

“What? I’m telling you, I only do this stuff to make sure that you’re keeping on your toes,” he said through his laughter. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“Because when I let it go, thinking
‘oh, he must know what he’s doing, being in calculus and all’
you get the completely wrong answer and can’t understand why.”

That got him laughing harder. “Well, you know, that’s just—”

“No excuses, please. I think I’ve heard them all already.”

He bumped her lightly with his shoulder. “I suck at math, too. I need a calculator to do everything,” he said. “I just wanted to be close to you.”

It was strange. They had basically been a couple for a week, and yet they still hadn’t done anything but hug. They didn’t even hold hands. Farrah had never heard of a relationship moving this slowly, especially not for teenagers. Kissing, for example, was usually one of the first things a new couple did. Farrah had never personally thought she would be much different when she got a boyfriend, but with Neal it had just… never happened. In fact, the only thing about their relationship that had changed was what they called it, and she had rather mixed feelings about that. She liked that Neal seemed to be taking this seriously, but on the other hand Farrah hadn’t become his girlfriend so they could continue acting like friends, either.

That was why a little thrill wriggled down her spine when she heard him say he would make excuses to be near her. She was shy doing it, but she nudged closer to him all the same. “Oh yeah?”

He tilted his head towards her with a tiny smile. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

“What a relief,” she said, automatically mirroring his expression. “I wouldn’t want you to have an ulterior motive or anything.” His gorgeous, clear blue eyes seemed particularly close right now, and she found herself hardly aware of anything else as she sunk into them.

‘Come on,’
she thought at him.
‘Just do it already.’

“Yeah, how cruel would that be?” And then he finally leaned in the rest of the way and kissed her for the first time.

Well, sort of. It was one of those cutesy lightly-press-and-then-pull-away sort of kisses, and it was all of the encouragement Farrah needed to ask, “Why are you holding back?”

“I’m trying not to be the stereotypical teenage-guy horn dog?” he suggested, raising his eyebrows. “Trying to have a little respect?”

“How long have we known each other, and what did you do one of the first times we talked? I know you respect me, Neal. You don’t have to be a martyr about this.” Farrah shocked herself with her own boldness. He was just trying to be nice, and she was criticizing him? That wasn’t right.

But she wanted to kiss him for real, not like how they did in the Disney movies. She wasn’t some made-up person, she was a real teenage girl with hormones and a strong attraction to the boy laying next to her. It sounded insensitive, but she wanted to forget formalities and have Neal steal her breath away.

His eyebrows rose even higher as he watched her, and all of a sudden the sheer
horniness
of what she’d said crashed down on her. Heat flamed in her cheeks and, absolutely mortified, Farrah ducked her face into her arms. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “That was a really stupid thing to say, and you were just trying to do the right thing. I am so sorry.”

“I have to say, that was probably one of the last things I expected to hear from you,” he remarked conversationally. “I thought you’d get like how you are right now after I kissed you. Just shows how much we still have to learn about each other, you know?”

“Stop it, please. You’re only making things worse.” She was so embarrassed that you could have cooked an egg sunny side up on her scorching cheekbones.

“Aw, Farrah, it’s not
that
bad. I mean, yeah, you just proved that you’re impatient and probably horny right now, but since we’re both teenagers it’s not like I can’t relate. As a matter of fact, if I stop talking I’ll probably do something I’ll regret, so—”

She did not have to say anything for him to cut himself off, and she had to wonder what made him do it. Farrah dared to peek, and saw that he was also pink in the face. It was nice to know she wasn’t the only one. In a way, it was sort of endearing.

“It is that bad, isn’t it?” she asked quietly, lifting her head more.

“Not in the way you’re thinking. It’s just that talk like that makes it really hard to do the right thing.”

“It is reassuring, in a way, that you’ll be all chivalrous and stuff,” she admitted. “But I never doubted you.”