MASH 14 MASH goes to Moscow (24 page)

“You can stop breathing in my ear,” Bobby-Sue/
Brunhilde
replied. “I’m supposed to meet my father here. We’re going to Paris, France!”

“By a strange coincidence, Miss,” the flight engineer said, “I happen to be Captain … a reference to my former association as a Pan-American pilot … Flash Horowitz, flight engineer of the aircraft you see looming above us, which is here for the express purpose of carrying some passengers to Paris, France. Now, if you’ll just accompany me aboard, we can have a little
drinkie-winkie
in the aircrew lounge while we wait for the others to show up.”

Normally, of course, having had vast experience with invitations of this nature, Bobby-Sue/
Brunhilde
Roberts would have replied by kicking Captain Flash Horowitz in the shins. But as she averted her face from his, she saw, racing down the road, two familiar vehicles. The When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder Bible Seminary and Junior College Security Force had obviously gone down to humiliating defeat. Their patrol cars were now in the hands of the men’s Bible class, and the men’s Bible class was in hot pursuit, again, of her.

“O.K., Flash,” she said. “I accept. But I must in all honesty warn you that while I have been studying Grand Opera, I have also been studying karate, Kung fu, and jujitsu. Do I make my point?” She ran to the ladder, made a little bow, and said, “After you, Flash!”

Five minutes after this, Dr. and Mrs. Pierce, Dr. and Mrs. McIntyre, and Rev. and Mrs. Roberts arrived at Spruce Harbor International in Born-Again Bob’s Mobile Evangelical Vehicle, a specially adapted motor home.

Upon seeing the men’s Bible class equally divided between those who were attempting to gain entrance to the airplane and those who had, so to speak, given up the chase and were sprawled on the ground under the airplane, Born-Again Bob went into action. He handed his family heirloom-sized Bible to Mary Pierce and charged into the men’s Bible class, shouting his familiar battle cry, “Put that bottle down!”

Weeping Wilma, of course, began to weep. As Mary Pierce and Lucinda McIntyre attempted to console her, Hawkeye and Trapper John ascertained from Wrong-Way that the missing member of the party, Bobby-Sue/
Brunhilde
Roberts, was already aboard the aircraft. After kissing their respective mates goodbye, Hawkeye and Trapper John made their way on board the aircraft. Just as soon as they passed inside the door, the flight attendant, having received orders to pick up Drs. Pierce and McIntyre, passed the word to the cockpit that they were aboard. The mighty engines were started, and Chevaux One-One-Seven turned around, preparatory to takeoff.

Born-Again Bob, seeing what was happening, raced for the nylon rope ladder and started up it. Weeping Wilma, her eyes clouded with tears, did not see what was happening, did not race for the nylon rope ladder, and was, consequently, left behind as Chevaux One-One-Seven, throttles to the fire wall, bounced and lurched down the runway and into the air. This caused Weeping Wilma to reach new heights of tears, sobs, and howls, and it was all that Mary Pierce and Lucinda McIntyre could do to keep her from leaping off the rock-bound coast and into the Atlantic.

“
It’s all right
,
Wilma,” Mary Pierce said, peering out to sea, where Chevaux One-One-Seven had recently disappeared from sight. “They’ve discovered that you’re not aboard and are coming back for you!”

Weeping Wilma stopped in the middle of a howl, saw that an aircraft was indeed making an approach to Spruce Harbor, and this time started to weep again, this time in joy and relief.

But the aircraft which landed was not the stretched Jumbo 747 with Chevaux Petroleum Corporation International’s famous logotype painted on the tail. The aircraft which landed was much smaller, and had both a twelve-foot oil portrait of an unshelled peanut on its tail and the words
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
painted along the fuselage.

It taxied up to where those members of the When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder Bible Seminary and Junior College Bible study class still on their feet were loading those Bible students who were not into the security force patrol cars.

The door opened, aluminum steps unfolded, and a small gentleman wearing a plaid tam-o’-shanter appeared on them.

“This quaint and picturesque hamlet, I presume, is Spruce Harbor?” he inquired. He started down the stairs. Another character appeared at the door.

“
Layfayette
,
je
suis
ici
!”*
the lady declared.
(*
Lafayette, I am here!”)

“My God,” Mary Pierce said. “That’s
Shur
-lee
Strydent
!”

“Get back on the plane, Miss
Strydent
,” the chap in the tam-o’-shanter said. “This isn’t Paris!”

“It isn’t?” Ms.
Strydent
replied, looking around. “Are you sure? Or is this another of your lousy Republican dirty tricks?”

“Trust me,” the chap in the tam-o’-shanter said, and then went the rest of the way down the stairs. “Perhaps, madam,” he said to Mary Pierce, “the gods of fortune will finally take pity upon me and make it possible that you are acquainted with one B. F. Pierce, alias ‘Hawkeye’ and/ or one J. F. X. McIntyre, alias ‘Trapper John’?”

“Who wants to know?” Mary snarled suspiciously.

“Senator George H. Kamikaze, at your service,” the senator said.

“You’re kidding!”

“I jest not, madam, and it behooves me to warn you that my patience, Oriental though it may be, is worn rather thin by the Democrats’ saying that!”

“Who are you calling a Democrat?” Lucinda snapped.

“What I mean to say, Senator,” Mary Pierce said, “and incidentally, I wanted to move to California just so I could vote for you, so watch who you’re calling a Democrat.”

“I don’t quite follow, madam,” the senator replied.

“Did you call my husband and tell him you were coming?”

“Only if you happen to be the legal spouse of the aforesaid B. F. Pierce.”

“Am I ever!” Mary replied. “I hate to tell you this, Senator, but my husband thought you were that awful Sexy Doc Yancey!”

“Are you, perchance, referring to the Sainted Sexual Sage of Manhattan, Kansas?”

“I am,” Mary said, “but I must tell you, Senator, that I don’t share your opinion of him.”

“Pity,” the senator said. “Whatever gave the good doctor the idea that I was
Theosophilis
Mullins Yancey, M.D.?” the senator inquired.

“Well, what did you expect him to think, calling up and saying you wanted him to go to Paris and Moscow with
Shur
-lee
Strydent
? What else could it be but a sick practical joke on the part of a sick mind?”

“I feel compelled to advise you, madam, that the originator of this mad idea is You-know-who with all the teeth,” the senator said.

“You’re kidding!”

“I jest not, Mrs. Pierce. And you have made the mistake twice. But I digress. You say Doctor Pierce is en route to Paris?”

“He left not ten minutes ago,” Mary replied. “With Dr. McIntyre.”

Senator Kamikaze looked up at the cockpit. In a surprisingly firm voice, he called, “Wind it up, Colonel, and head for Paris.”

He then bowed to Mesdames Pierce and McIntyre, put his tam-o’-shanter back on his head, and ran back up the stairs. Within minutes, Air Force One had lurched down the runway and sort of limped off into the sky. Over the roar of its mighty engines there came the faint, but piercing voice of
Shur
-lee
Strydent
singing “Over the Rainbow.”

“There’s something fishy about this whole thing,” Mary Pierce said to Lucinda.

“You can say that again!” Lucinda agreed.

“There’s something fishy about this whole thing,” Mary said again. “Why do you suppose they were so willing to take Born-Again Bob and his daughter to Paris?”

“I don’t know,” Lucinda said. “My Trapper John is above that sort of thing,” she added. “But, no offense, dear, how does Hawkeye feel about young and attractive female opera singers?”

“My Benjamin wouldn’t dream of something like that,” Mary Pierce said. “I trust him absolutely, beyond question, and without doubt.” She paused long enough to take in a fresh breath. “Wilma, stop that infernal weeping and show us a picture of your daughter!”

Wilma stopped weeping long enough to announce that she believed that there was a picture of her little Bobby-Sue in the Bible Born-Again Bob had given Mary to hold. Mary flipped through the pages until she came to the 8-by- 10 color photograph of Bobby-Sue which had, indeed, inspired Hawkeye and Trapper John.

“Is this your Bobby-Sue, Wilma?” Mary asked.

Wilma paused long enough to agree that it was. Mary Pierce then grabbed Lucinda McIntyre’s arm and led her out of earshot.

“My worst suspicions are realized!” she said.

“What are you talking about?” Lucinda replied. “Not even your Benjamin could possibly be interested in that female. She’s nearly as ugly as
Shur
-lee
Strydent
!”

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Mary said. “Whatever those two plan to do in Paris has nothing to do with this tragically ugly young woman or Brother Born-Again Bob!”

“How do you know?”

“Think,
Lucinda,” Mary said. “How long do you think Boris is going to put up with an ugly woman like this, accompanied by a father who opens every conversation by shouting ‘Put that bottle down’! Thirty minutes after those two meet Boris, they’ll be on their way home again, and our husbands will be whooping it up in Gay
Paree
!”

“You’re right,” Lucinda said. “Mary, they’ve outwitted us again! What are we going to do?”

“We’re going to set astray the best laid plans of those mice and men,” Mary said.

“But how?”

“I’m going to sic Dago Red on them,” Mary said. “That’ll fix their wagon!”

To accomplish this end, an international telephone call was placed to His Eminence John Joseph Mulcahy, titular archbishop of
Swengchan
—just as soon as Mary Pierce could get Weeping Wilma to drive her home in Born-Again Bob’s Mobile Evangelical Vehicle.

“If that number, Hazel,” Mary said to the operator, “doesn’t answer, try the Pope’s apartment. They’re very good friends.”

But the telephone in the archbishop’s Vatican apartment was answered, and on the second ring.

“Archbishop
Mulcahy’s
apartment, Monsignor de Villa speaking.”

“
Pancho
, is that you? This is Mary Pierce. I’ve got to speak to Dago Red!”

“His Eminence was just about to leave, Mary,” the monsignor, who was the archbishop’s personal secretary, said, “but I think he’ll have time for you.”

“How are you, Mary?” His Eminence said, coming on the phone. “
Pancho
and I were just about out the door when the phone rang.”

“I just thought you should know, Archbishop Mulcahy …” Mary said, and was interrupted.

“Have I done something wrong, Mary?” the archbishop asked.

“I don’t know,” Mary replied. “Why do you ask?”

“You called me ‘Archbishop Mulcahy,’ ” the archbishop said. “Usually you address me somewhat more informally.”