Marie Sexton - Coda 05 - Paris A to Z (18 page)

I
T WAS
a good thing I had a few hours to get my shit together after that. Angelo eventually led me to the bed. I didnt believe at first that I could possibly sleep after what had happened, but I did. He woke me gently an hour later. “Go shower, Zach,” he said. “I ordered lunch. Itll be here in ten minutes.”

The shower and the food helped immensely. After I ate, I lay down on the couch with my head in his lap. I still found it hard to meet his eyes. His hand landed gently on my head, and his fingers ran through my hair. It felt nice.

“Tell me what happened,” he said.
“Nothing.”
“
Don’t lie!
”
“Angelo, I cant—”
“Did you really go jogging?”
“Yes.”
“Did you go back to his room?”
“
No!
”
“Did he kiss you?”
“No.” But I knew I hesitated a heartbeat too long.
“Did you kiss him?”
“No,” I said, but it was only a whisper.
“Zach?” he prompted.
It was hard, but I did it. I took a deep breath and said, “I wanted to.”

I braced myself, waiting for him to yell or push me away. But he didnt. “Do you still love him?”
“No.” And that was the truth.
“Do you want him back, Zach? Do you want to go over to his room

and beg him to leave Cole for you?”
“
No!
”
“So it was only a moment or two? Not the whole trip?” “Not the whole trip.”
A second of silence, and then in a softer voice he asked, “Do you

still love me, Zach?”
“More than anything.”
His fingers continued to move through my hair, soft and reassuring.

“Then were fine,” he said quietly. “Were absolutely perfect.”

His gentle words caused my eyes to fill with tears again, and I angrily wiped them away. I made myself sit up and face him. “How can you not be mad?”

He shrugged. “I dont know, Zach. I dont have any ex-boyfriends out there anywhere, so I dont know whats normal and whats not. But seems to me that til now, you only remembered the bad stuff with Jon. And yet, you were with him three years. I know you loved him. There mustve been good times too.

“Its different when were home, and hes in Arizona. You can pretend it never happened. But we been here with him five days now. Thats a lotta time to have to spend with him. And the fact that you had a moment or two where you finally remembered somethin
good
? Or maybe found yourself wonderin what mightve been? I cant say Im exactly thrilled about it. But I dont think I can be mad, either, Zach. I think it probably just makes you human.”

It was such a relief. It felt like all the weight Id been carrying since wed learned about the trip was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I loved him at that moment more than ever, although I wouldnt have believed it possible. I took his hand. I leaned over to kiss his palm. “You amaze me,” I told him. “Every single day.”

He used his hand on my cheek to guide me back up, forcing me to face him again, and for the first time in I didnt know how long, I saw a hint of fear in his eyes. It was something Id seen a lot in our first few months together. Id seen it less and less since Vegas. I didnt know when Id stopped seeing it completely, but it had been long enough that it surprised me now. It was small, only a ghost of what it used to be, but it was there.

“Tell me again, Zach,” he said, his voice a bit shaky. “Tell me you still love me. Tell me Im still the one you want.”

“Angel,” I said, pulling him into my arms, “you are my life, and my north, and my everything. I love you more than ever.”
“Tell me were okay.”
“Were absolutely perfect.”
He put his arms around my neck, and I pulled him close and kissed him. His body fit against me so perfectly. His mouth opened under mine just right. I ran my hand up his back, and I loved that I could still make him shiver when I did it. I loved that when I reached the back of his neck, he sighed and deepened his kiss. And as I slowly undressed him, letting my fingers and my lips move over every part of his smooth, dark skin, I thought of all the ways he had surprised me. What had happened with Jon would have destroyed him back in Vegas. But here and now, he had handled it better than I had.
He was so much stronger than before—much stronger than I had realized. He was my angel, and although I was stuck firmly on the ground, he allowed me to touch him, and hold him, and make love to him. I made it into an act of worship, as if I could reach heaven itself through him. I wouldnt have been surprised if it were true. It was long, and slow, and completely divine. I made it as good for him as I could, and if he didnt quite pass out from holding his breath, I was at least glad it took him a while to catch his breath.

T
HE
ceremony was simple. Jon wore a plain dark suit, conservative now as he had always been. Only his tie was unexpected. It was a bit brighter

than I ever would have imagined him buying. Coles version of a suit was considerably less conservative and exceedingly more fashionable. He looked like hed just walked off one of the Paris runways. Their vows were personal and very brief.

Jon said only, “I promise to follow wherever you lead.” Coles quiet answer was, “And I promise to teach you to fly.” Jon smiled at that, and I wondered what those words could possibly

mean to them.

They kissed, a gentle, lingering kiss. It felt wrong for me to see it, and I looked away. I looked down in my lap. I felt Angelos hand on mine. His long, slender fingers tangled with mine. I looked over at his smiling face, and the shadows in my heart fled in the glory of his light. “I love you,” I whispered.

“I know.”

In lieu of a reception, Cole took us all out for dinner. The food was superb, and the wine expensive. George had somehow made arrangements ahead of time with the wait staff, and as the rest of us were served

decadent desserts with thick chocolate sauces and fruity liqueurs, Jon was given a lump of something brown on a plate. Cole looked at it in obvious confusion, and Jons cheeks slowly turned bright red.

“Very funny, Dad,” he said.
“What in the world is it?” Cole asked.

Matt had apparently been let in on the joke because he was laughing his ass off. George only smiled. “Its fruitcake,” he said. “Jons favorite.”

After dinner, we took the bus to a bar, which turned out to be only a few blocks from our hotel. I was surprised when we walked in—it was a sports-themed bar, not the kind of place I pictured Cole in. He had obviously made arrangements ahead of time because they had a table waiting for us.

“You had this planned all along?” Matt asked Cole, one eyebrow up. “Of course I did,” Cole said. “Im not completely selfish you know.” Matt laughed with joy and clapped Cole hard enough on the back

that I was afraid he was going to knock him over. Cole winced. “Good lord,” he said quietly to Angelo once Matt had turned away. “I dont think Ill be doing him any more favors. That
hurt
.”

“Tell me about it,” Angelo laughed.

So we watched the Super Bowl. Matt, George, and Angelo cheered for the Chiefs. Jared seemed to oscillate between cheering with Matt and against him. His natural instinct was to bet against Matt like always, but he couldnt help wanting his partner to be happy. Jon, Cole, and I mostly drank wine and laughed at them, and in the end the Chiefs lost, although only barely. Matt took it well. The fact that he was extremely drunk helped.

It was after three in the morning by the time it ended, and wed all had a bit too much to drink. We decided to walk back to the hotel rather than taking the bus, despite the fact that it was in the low thirties. The night felt crisp, our breaths puffing out in white clouds, and we wrapped our coats tight around us. Streetlamps reflected off of damp pavement. Occasional lone snowflakes drifted lazily to the ground, making everything mystical. The sidewalks were empty, and the buildings seemed to huddle close to the narrow street. It felt intimate and timeless.