Manhood: The Rise and Fall of the Penis (15 page)

Comparative anatomy – the fact of man’s proportionately huge testicles – indirectly illuminates the sex lives of our forefathers. Large testicles confer an advantage only where there is a sperm competition.

Far back in evolution the competition to reach the ovum first was fought out between the sperm cells of various males. If two or more males mated with the same female within a few days, the one who ejacu lated the largest quantity of vigorous sperm cells had the advantage in fathering descendants. Just as a car race is won by the driver with the best car, the male who mounts the female at the right moment, ejaculates most and in addition has very vigorous sperm cells, has the best chance of winning the contest. This isn’t perverse: ultimately there can only be one winner, usually a type comparable with a Bugatti Veyron car, with a top speed of 400 kph and unbelievable acceleration –

the envy of some male gynaecologists, so I’m told.

In
Farewell Waltz
Milan Kundera describes a cunning gynaecologist with a long nose, who treats married, childless women in a very 72

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questionable way. He gives artificial insemination using his own sperm.

His professional ethics are deplorable, and he is definitely not a great lover, but genetically Kundera’s doctor is the great winner. He has sired many long-nosed children for numerous happy, but deceived fathers

. . . In the mid-1980s a gynaecologist in The Hague also inseminated women with his own sperm, which created a great commotion in the pages of a prestigious medical weekly. There are probably many of his offspring walking around The Hague and its environs. No trace of the inseminations, with ‘fresh’ instead of the usual medically checked and approved frozen sperm, could be found in the hospital records and the story was finally hushed up in a way so often convenient for doctors.

For every human being fathered in a normal way – which nowadays is no longer the case with a substantial number of people – it remains an odd idea that one has originated from one of the millions of spermatozoa that made a beeline for a single ovum. What would have happened if there had been another winner? The British cultural critic, writer and poet Aldous Huxley (1894–1963) expressed it as follows in a well-known poem (‘Fifth Philosopher’s Song’, 1920): A million million spermatozoa,

All of them alive:

Out of their cataclysm but one poor Noah

Dare hope to survive,

And among that billion minus one

Might have chanced to be

Shakespeare, another Newton, a new

Donne –

But the one was Me.

It was said of the Marquis de Sade that he always carried a pillbox of sugared ‘Spanish fly’ with him, which he offered to unsuspecting prostitutes. Spanish fly was considered a powerful aphrodisiac, which stimulated, for example, the mucous membranes of the sex organs.

This was how De Sade won his sperm wars. Research has been carried out in Britain showing that men who are aware of or suspect sexual unfaithfulness by their partners produce more powerful sperm.

Jealousy is at the same time one of the most debilitating, hate-provoking and destructive emotions. In Shakespeare’s
A Winter’s Tale,
Leontes, the king of Sicily, becomes totally unbalanced. Jealousy wrecks his whole life. In fact, Leontes, despite his jealous suspicions, should have taken comfort from the fact that his wife, Hermione, was pregnant. But instead every time she leaves the stage with their guest Polixenes, the king of Bohemia, Leontes becomes more distraught, 73

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more furious and more irrational. Finally he convinces himself that the child his wife is carrying is not his but the Bohemian’s and obsessively examines the face of his son Mamillius for any sign of a resemblance to his Bohemian guest. Inconsolable at the doubts surrounding his paternity, Leontes orders the murder of Polixenes. He has his wife imprisoned and his son Mamillius is denied access to his mother. In prison Hermione gives birth to a daughter, whom Leontes orders to be taken into exile and abandoned. Mamillius, deprived of his mother, dies of grief, and Hermione herself falls into a death-like coma. Leontes’

jealousy has destroyed not only his family but himself too: distrust and suspicion have ruined him. No one can console him or restore his confidence.

Tigers, bears and some primates do exactly the same as Leontes: they kill any young they think have been fathered by another male and so create more space among the females for their own descendants to be borne and brought up. This form of sexual selection is of course not a sperm competition; on the contrary, it is the avoidance of one.

The stickiness of sperm

Humans are descended from anthropoid primates and they in turn from mouse-like, tree-dwelling mammals. The males of some rodent species, for example the squirrel, leave behind special mating plugs.

These are nothing more than a sticky, tacky secretion that prevents other males from gaining vaginal access after the first male’s ejaculation. Evolution has equipped the penis of the male rodent with a special protrusion with which it can make a hole in the mating plug. Equality for all.

Male hookworms have a gland close to their sperm production centre that secretes a sticky substance. Hookworms also seal off the female’s sexual orifice after successful mating. The unusual feature is that their sperm cells stay alive for a very long time, so that the female can lay the eggs fertilized by a donor even after his death. Male hookworms also use the adhesive substance to attack male rivals by sealing their genitals, so that for a while they are incapable of emitting any more sperm.

During mating the glands of Cowper in male moles swell to a tenth of their body weight, and they literally fill the female’s vagina to the brim with their ejaculate. Female readers may be interested to know that in these creatures the clitoris is the same size as the penis.

The typical stickiness of human sperm is undoubtedly a remnant of the above-mentioned adhesive quality: when it dries it clings to the hair and skin. In
What is Sex?
by American biologist Lynn Margulis and 74

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journalist Dorion Sagan we are told that drones, after mating with the queen bee, forfeit their lives, leaving behind not only their genitalia but also a slimy substance. One may compare this sealing off with the frantic way in which females are guarded in some frog species. These are the ultimate sperm competition avoiders. Even if the ova have been amply fertilized by the sperm cells the males still do not let go, but cling to their partner for months on end. The writers of the above -mentioned book assume that the tough, syrupy texture of human sperm is the result of our distant mammalian origins: from mammals which had sperm that ‘went hard’ and acted as a kind of natural chastity belt, making access for any later would-be fertilizers difficult or even completely impossible.

Terminology

Names for sperm found on the internet include: jizz, spunk, cum, man milk, love juice, home-made yoghurt, mayo, boner brew, salt malt, cream baby juice, load, skeet, cocknog, nut-nectar, spooge and liquid sin. In a human ejaculation between 2 and 5 millilitres of sperm are emitted. Normally between 100 million and 200 million sperm cells are released on ejaculation, or between 20 and 50 million per milli litre.

Sperm can be stored for years for artificial insemination, in so-called sperm banks. The sperm of animals used for breeding, like bulls and special breeds of dog, is very valuable, and millions of euros are involved in the sperm trade.

In mammals the sperm cell determines the sex of the descendant that emerges from the fertilized ovum. Techniques for sorting sperm cells by sex, so that parents can choose a boy or a girl, are being developed but are ethically controversial. This is not the case with cattle: sexed bull’s sperm has been available since 2002. Despite mixed experiences in the past, use of the technique was resumed from the end of 2005. Major companies can provide sexed sperm if required. In 2005 Monsanto applied for a patent on the ‘Decisive’ production process, in which the sex chromosomes (X and Y) are recognized by specific colouring. Through the use of a protective thinning agent the sperm cells can survive for approximately a day in the inseminated cow.

Ejaculations

One way of explaining how an ejaculation works is by comparing it to firing a rifle. In that case too one first has to load before one can shoot, with the urethra acting as the barrel of the rifle. Ejaculation changes as one gets older: both the emission and expulsion phases last longer.

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Emission stands for loading and expulsion for firing. In the emission phase the mixture of sperm cells, seminal and prostate fluid is forced into the urethra by powerful contractions of the epididymises, the sperm ducts, the seminal glands and the prostate. In the expulsion phase the prostate and the muscles beneath the urethra contract periodically and the ejaculate spurts from the penis at intervals of 0.8

seconds. Adolescents often tend to brag about how far they can ‘shoot’.

A certain tribe in New Guinea has turned it into a parlour game, and there are countless limericks on the subject, like the following: There once was a passionate pastor

With feelings he never could master.

His ejaculations

Baptized congregations

And hung from the ceiling like plaster!

In a man the amount of sperm ejaculated each time totals between 2

and 5 millilitres, after between a day and a day and a half’s abstinence.

According to the American urologist Metcalf the world record is half a teacup full. It is, incidentally, customary in the making of porn films for the actor who has to ejaculate to abstain for several days, so that the amount produced for the ‘money shot’ is as large as possible. Ask a man how many millilitres of sperm he ejaculates, and he will usually overestimate. This was certainly true of the 1970s uk band who had such hits as ‘I’m Not in Love’ and ‘The Things We Do for Love’ and called themselves 10 cc – their own estimate.

After ejaculation the sperm coagulates, becoming clotted like egg white that has been heated for a moment. After about fifteen minutes this frogspawn liquefies again.

While the sperm is being expelled the neck of the bladder is closed to prevent sperm from being forced in, as virtually always happens after a prostate operation, when the bladder can simply no longer close. The mechanism is irrevocably damaged by such a procedure, and the sperm is simply passed out with the urine.

In the elderly sensation during orgasm is greatly reduced, as happens with many other physiological processes: they run out of steam. As we get older our muscles leave us in the lurch. Much to the disappointment of patients there is nothing to be done about this. The only good piece of advice one can give is: soldier on!

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How often and how soon?

‘If in the first year they are together, a couple put a bean in a pot every time they make love, afterwards they will need a whole lifetime of marriage to empty the pot again if each time they make love after that first year they take a bean out of the pot,’ goes a wise old Asian saying.

The question of how often sexual intercourse should take place has pre occupied not only us, but also the founders of religions, philosophers and legislators.

In the Qu’ran the prophet Muhammad, who in comparison with other founders of religions shows a great deal of consideration for women, prescribes once a week. That is the woman’s right, regardless of the number of wives the man has. The Jewish Talmud is less general, and distinguishes between different classes of people. The vigorous young man who is not forced to work hard is recommended to make love once a day, the ordinary workman twice a week, and scholars once a week. Professors may be given a dispensation, requiring them to have intercourse only once every two years. Martin Luther regarded twice a week as the correct quota, while the pope advises ejaculation only if there is a desire for children.

Legislators also concern themselves indirectly with frequency of inter course. In many Western countries neither a women nor a man may be forced to have sexual intercourse within marriage. Married rape is illegal. Recent Dutch research showed that 96 per cent of couples still have intercourse once or more every two months. A problem is now arising with an increasingly frequent phenomenon, the ‘double-income-no-sex syndrome’. Many couples are so wrapped up in their careers that have scarcely any time for intimacy. They regard sex as a chore to be carried out, like emptying the dishwasher.

Dr Alfred Kinsey wrote long ago that the age of the man is the most decisive factor. Kinsey was a complete number freak, and the following figures are taken from his statistics on average weekly frequency of coitus: between 26 and 30

2.24

between 31 and 40

1.73

between 41 and 45

1.41

between 46 and 50

1.10

between 51 and 55

0.99

between 56 and 60

0.73

between 61 and 65

0.52

between 66 and 70

0.30

between 71 and 75

0.00

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Kinsey’s figures are pretty accurate, don’t you think? Surely every reader will tend to have a quick look at his or her own age bracket, or his or her partner’s.

Older men can sometimes be helped with the following rules of thumb for frequency of intercourse in relation to age: Under 25

Twice daily

25–35

Tri-weekly

35–45

Try-weekly

45–55

Try-weakly

55–65

Try, try, try

65–76

Try anything (golf?)

75 and over

Try to remember

Many men come quickly, in their own eyes much too quickly. The modern jargon term is premature ejaculation (pe). This means that within a few seconds, or at most a minute after inserting the penis into the vagina (or another orifice) there is an ejaculation. The ejaculation may also take place during foreplay, even before insertion. Sexologists speak in such a case of
ejaculatio ante portas
. When this happens it often provokes a strong feeling of dissatisfaction and irritation, especially in one’s partner.