Maine Squeeze (47 page)

He said it was probably the Viagra Effect.

“Is that a science fiction movie?” I asked. Because Grandma and Grandpa being sexy … that was sort of science fictionesque.

Look, I
know
it's natural, and I'll probably want to do it when I'm seventy-five, too. But I won't want anyone to know about it!

So Tom went upstairs to the bathroom and came back with this bottle of blue pills. “Just what I thought. Viagra.” He shook one into his palm and stared at it. Then he lifted it to his mouth. “Bob Dole would be so proud of my courage right now. These things cost like ten bucks a pop, did you know that?”

I begged him not to take one. He just kept laughing and holding the bottle over his head so I couldn't reach it. We wrestled for a few seconds, laughing hysterically, then the bottle popped out of his hands—Viagra pills went flying everywhere, and we fell on the bed again. This time there was a sort of intense moment where he had me pinned.

But he was more interested in saving the Viagra. He let me go right away so he could scoop them all back into the bottle. Then he tucked a couple into his duffel to take home. “Just in case I start aging really rapidly.”

You know those scared-straight movies about kids doing drugs? Like heroin and coke and pot? How about
Teenage Boys on Viagra
!!! This one boy in particular.

We started watching TV and I fell asleep on the foldout couch beside him. We both had sweats on, it was a completely chaste event, and nothing happened. This is the second time this month I've slept next to him, and it's becoming a really weird habit. Not that unlike having Oscar sleep next to me in bed. A little less furry, a little better breath.

Let us
not
give thanks. It wasn't even a free-range hen, like Grandpa promised he'd get me. He went out to the turkey farm and got a fresh kill. “Check out that rotisserie action!” he kept saying, as the turkey turned on the metal spit.

“I'd rather not,” I said. I kept staring out the window wondering when the snow would stop.

Remember that movie about people being trapped inside during a blizzard? And they all went crazy and started killing each other?
The Shining
. Set in Colorado. No surprise. Okay, so we're in Nebraska and there are no mountains, but still. We haven't been able to leave the house since getting here, and if we eat any more poultry, we're going to start laying eggs.

Tom is about to lose it. Grandpa started telling him how to “truss a bird.” (You'd think Grandpa had a turkey farm his whole life instead of an accounting firm.) I guess we're having … what? Roast pigeon tomorrow?

Grandma and Grandpa usually sit at either end of the table, but today they had to sit next to each other so they could play footsie. We're all leaving really soon, I wanted to say. Could you just maybe … wait until then? For your love fest?

It is so sad when your grandparents are more romantic than you are.

We're all sitting around in the living room trying to breathe. The house is hot and stuffy and we're all so full we could burst. Leftovers IV: The Saga Continues. I just called Gerry and told him I probably won't be back to work on Sunday. He said that he'd work for me. Poor Beth.

Bryan is trying to teach Grandpa how to use his new computer, how to get on to the Internet. Probably so they can go to hotchicks.com together.

“The storm is just not letting up,” Tom said. “But I have to get out of here.”

“Tell me about it,” I muttered.

“Hey, Courtney. You want to come with me?” Tom asked. “I know we can make it to North Platte. But if we want to blow that off, we could just head back to Denver.”

I wanted to.
So
badly. But Mom needed me to help her drive home (if she was still going to let me drive.) Finally, there was a break in the onslaught of snow and you could see okay. Tom called the roads hot line and they said the interstate was open again, so the Tom made a break for it before Grandpa made him snowshoe home. This was good news for us, too—the car might get towed to us in the next few days or so.

I walked Tom out to his pickup and thanked him for rescuing us from the snowbank. He gave me his dad's number in North Platte and said to call if there was anything I needed, like a ride back. “Or a meal that isn't turkey,” he said, and we both laughed.

Could it be that Tom and I are actually sort of becoming friends?

I wondered if I should hug him good-bye. Or maybe kiss him. I must have been desperate. I sort of leaned against him and squeezed. I felt really stupid.

Right after he left, Grandpa realized Tom didn't give back this antique sterling silver lighter he was showing him. He threw a fit about it. I promised him I'd get it back when I saw Tom at school in a couple days.

I can't wait to be back at school. I can't wait to see Jane and Beth and tell them about the trip and how I slept next to Tom.

There is one person I really am dreading seeing, though. Not because I don't like him, but because I sort of messed up the last time we talked. Maybe he didn't necessarily deserve to be compared to a rocky Great Lake that sinks ships. In fact Grant had been nothing but nice to me before I left, except for that Dave incident. I'd hardly thought about Dave on this trip. Was it Grant's fault he wanted Dave to tell me about what's-her-name in person? Of course, he didn't do it in person, he did it on the phone. Loser.

I started feeling so bad, I decided to call Grant. Of course I couldn't say I was sorry, not really. I started talking about Oscar.

“Oscar tried to run away, but he got stuck in a snowdrift,” I said. “He ended up with really, really cold feet and wet fur, but we saved him. Then all he's been doing lately is eating turkey and gravy. Do you think that's okay?”

“He can eat whatever he wants, really. It's just that he has to have his pills.”

“Right. Well, seeing as how it was a holiday, I put his pill in a dinner roll instead of a hot dog. He didn't really notice. So, um, what are you doing?”

“Hey, Court—oh, you're on the phone. Who are you talking to?” Tom suddenly appeared in the room.

Haven't you left yet? I wanted to say. “Nobody,” I said. “Did you forget something?”

“Yeah.” Tom picked up something off the top of the fridge and slipped it into his jacket pocket and then waved. “See you!”

“Who was that?” Grant sounded very offended all of a sudden.

“Oh, just a cousin. One of the infamous Von Dragens,” I said.

“It sounded like Tom Delaney,” he said.

“Oh. Well, no, it wasn't,” I said. Why did I say that? He'll only find out what happened the next time he sees Tom. And then he'll know I lied to him. But how could I tell him I'd slept with Tom the night before—well, in the same room anyway.

Because nobody would believe you'd spend the night with Tom Delaney and
not
sleep with him. No matter how well Grant knew me or Tom. Tom had a certain reputation, and there was a reason for that. And if anyone found out Viagra was involved in the evening, my story would become completely unbelievable. And if anyone found out that I sort of wanted something to happen, that would be even more unbelievable—

Well, Grant was never going to hear that from me. It was too embarrassing. So I sort of changed the subject and started to explain the car skid, and how we had to get towed, but there was a blizzard, etc. (I didn't mention it was kind of my bad driving that did it.)

“So what have you been up to?” I asked.

“Actually … I don't know if I should tell you this.” Ooh! Intrigue! I thought. “But I've been hanging out with Dave,” he said.

Go ahead.
Ruin
my holiday via long-distance. He has some nerve. Can't he be on my side and just ban all contact?

“Well, I have to go,” I said. “The gravy is burning.”

Grant said how he didn't think I ate gravy. “Of course I don't
eat gravy
,” I said. “But I can still cook it.”

Actually, neither is true.

Bryan has been on the phone ever since the rest of the Von Dragen clan left. All five of them.

Our family doesn't reproduce well, let's face it. How will the Von Dragen name survive?

By forcing young women like me to have it as a middle name, I guess.

Anyway, Bryan keeps laughing, and he has this bizarre smile on his face. Is he in love or something? He's acting like I've never seen before. I asked him what was up, and he said, “Never mind, you won't get it.”

“I'll get it,” I said, desperate for some real conversation. “I will! Just try me.”

He shook his head. “Nobody will ever get it, so—”

LATER …

Sorry, I was interrupted in the middle of that fascinating update. My mother came upstairs and insisted we go down and join in the giant gin rummy round robin.

Some of this stuff doesn't even sound so bad until I write it down.

After Bryan lost, he got on the phone right away again. I asked who he was calling. He said it was none of my business. Is that rude or what? He used to tell me everything. Sure, he was six at the time, and a horrible liar, but come on.

He must have a girlfriend at home. He doesn't want me to know who she is because he's embarrassed.

This is going to be fun.

Since when does Bryan have a calling card?

Whoa. Just woke up from a dream where I was making out with Grant in storeroom at T or D. It was very intense. Tom was over by the counter, grinding Viagra pills into an additive and putting the powder into smoothies!

“They have drinks for chicks,” he was saying. (We do have this one called Ferocious Female that's supposed to help curb PMS.) “Why not drinks for us? It's virility, baby. I call this a Manly Mango Mojo.” (Austin Powers influence again.)

Have to stop sleeping on this foldout couch where Tom slept.

Right away.

Made it home tonight. The less said about the trip, the better. Let's just say that Oscar should not be allowed into a car after eating birds at Grandpa's for days on end. Not in the winter, not when you can't open the windows.

As soon as I got home, I called Beth to tell her the whole story.

She didn't seem that surprised. Like this was a normal chain of events??? Grandparents getting it on? Being stranded on I-80? Nearly sleeping with the Tom?

Well, okay, it wasn't “nearly.” Close to nearly, though.

“Are you okay?” I finally asked when she didn't even laugh about Bryan keeping a journal and pining away for someone at home.

“Um … yeah,” she said. Then she said she was sorry she was kind of out of it, she had to work extra hard at T or D because she was working with Gerry, etc. He kept going over all the procedures with her, hovering over the blenders, etc.

“Don't ever get stranded again, okay?” she begged.

It was great to go back to school today. I felt like I was never going to have my life back.

We had a student council meeting to talk about the New Year's blowout. We've done some fund-raising, plus we're selling individual tickets at $3 a pop, and now it's time to reap the benefits.

Asked Tom about Grandpa's lighter. He said he doesn't have it. I called Grandpa to tell him that. There was a message on their answering machine that they've gone to Hawaii for 2 weeks. “
Aloha!
” my grandfather said in this happy voice. I guess he hasn't noticed the missing Viagra yet. Must have enough to tide him over, through the luau with Grandma.

Hey, if I were them? I'd
move
to Hawaii.

Dad called to tell us that his stepdaughter Angelina had her baby last night. It's a girl! Cool. Her name is something like Bellarina. (Doesn't she realize everyone's going to call her Ballerina? And that she'll have to go through life explaining that she's not a dancer? Unless, of course, she becomes one, due to the power of suggestion.)

Dad got all emotional because it reminded him of when we were born and blah blah blah. Then he and Mom started talking about it and they had this really fun conversation and then Mom was crying. Bizarre.

I need to write this down so it makes sense. I was going to call Beth, so I picked up the phone in the kitchen. I heard Bryan's voice and realized he was already on the phone. This must be his dream date, I thought, because Bryan was talking in a low voice. I was about to hang up when I heard the other voice.

I kept staring at the phone as I listened to her. Not getting it, like Bryan always says. But wanting to get it this time.

I stood there unable to move. Completely shocked. Stunned. Deer in headlights etc.

Beth and Bryan were talking to each other about how much they had missed each other, how they couldn't wait for Christmas vacation, blah blah blah BLAH!