“You’re a fool. Trying to give meaning to something
as important as life is folly. Your faith, any faith, is just a self-important
excuse for your life. Don’t relinquish your responsibility to a god or a devil.
Instead, take it and use it to add meaning to your life; don’t assign it to
anybody else. You’re weak and petty to put that power in the hands of a figment
of your imagination.”
The words hit Simon like blows and knocked him
speechless. “Natalie believed like you do and I agree with your desire to do
good, to help people in any way you can.” Ursus was adamant, though he could
explain no more. “Spend your existence any way you wish, but I tell you this:
take control of your life and your will. Don’t relinquish it to anybody.
“Most people live their lives for goals they, or
others, have set for them and if they don’t succeed, what then? With each
little loss, do they count their lives a failure, until they tally all the
little shortfalls and decide it’s time to stop? When you look at how you’ve
lived life, will you calculate all your victories and disappointments and judge
whether it was better you lived, or had never actually been around to draw
breath?”
At this point, it seemed to Simon Ursus was
delirious, but he did not stop his soliloquy.
“Do you live your life for the moments when you’re
happy? Do you live your life to feel good? To experience joy and to indulge the
senses that give you pleasure? Good food. Good drink. Good sex. Good shit. Good
piss. Rest when you’re tired. Why do people live their lives?
“When you look at a cripple, begging for alms in the
street, do you feel sorry for him? Does that mean that you think your life is
better? This is presumptuous and arrogant. Would it be irony if they were
happier in their life than you are in yours? Would you envy them then? Beloved
children and pets are to be envied. They live their lives without
responsibility, for their food and shelter is provided. They are shown
affection and are cared for.”
For some time, Simon could say nothing. “Why must you
go?” he finally said, barely above a whisper.
“Don’t deify me, Simon; I’m not worthy of worship.
I’ve already told you this world holds nothing for me. I don’t want to be here,
so leave me alone to my death.” Ursus turned from the window and watched as
Simon, with a pained expression, backed away, only to be brought up short with
sharp words. “Get away from me! Allow me to have my last hour without having to
answer your questions!”
Hurt that he was being driven away, Simon responded,
“I don’t want to worship you, Ursus. I already have my God, for whom I’ve
sacrificed my death. I don’t care who you are or fated to be. I want you to
live because I don’t want to be without you. We have been through a lot
together; I just don’t want you to go.”
“I do,” Ursus said weary of the argument. “Natalie
convinced me of her faith and led me away from mine. Now that this faith is
shattered, I am faced with my earlier doom. I swear I don’t have the strength
left to defy it. I would rather die.” Ursus stated his thoughts to anyone who
listened. He knew he was addressing more than Simon, even more than the pitiful
remnants of the Cathari who waited for their end the next day. He hoped he
would reach someone in a more secular time.
He wished for someone who searched for the truth and
was not swayed by explanations for lack of responsibility. He looked for someone
who saw past the characters in myths, fables and religious allegories.
“Please, Simon, go. Don’t argue with me, for I am too
weary to control myself. I want to rest. I want to die and I want to be
punished for my actions and that for which I was intended, by all that is
profane and damned.”
Ursus watched as Simon faded into the darkness, among
the rest of the convicted heretics. He wondered if what he told Simon would
ever go beyond his own ears. If it would ever reach anyone who would believe
him. Would there be anyone who looked at the whimpering about burden of
leadership and awful price of power and believe it? Would an inability to
believe also be married to a failure to take up this power they thrust upon
their leaders? In the end, was all of this terminal debate merely a question of
burden of blame? Did no one want to hold the reins of power because they didn’t
want to be blamed for a task, doomed to failure?
Ursus shook his head and sighed in utter relief.
TIME: FEBRUARY 19TH, 1966. DIGBY ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA,
CANADA
A new flag flew over the Prince Paul post office. The
Union Jack was replaced with the red maple leaf and quite a few people were
sour about it. A petition had been started at the counter, but Kosta didn’t
give it a second look. He only came to town once a week for letters, parcels,
magazines and newspapers, so he didn’t stir up any trouble. He usually made the
trip by himself, but this time, Adam showed interest in coming, so Kosta had
humored him.
In 1965, Adam’s enthusiasm for the Beatles continued,
unabated, with another endless supply of songs that had him humming and singing
all over Digby.
Ticket to Ride, Eight
Days a Week,
and
Yesterday
replaced last year’s tunes, and
No
Satisfaction
and
Get Off My Cloud
made Kosta understand what Adam called “cool.” The Rolling Stones were much
more to Kosta’s liking.
The winter, spring and early summer of 1965 had mixed
messages for him. In March, Martin Luther King Jr. marched from Selma to
Montgomery, joined by many celebrities like Tony Bennett, Harry Belafonte and
some of the Rat Pack. Adam wanted to see Frank or Dean, marching along with
their friend, Sammy. US troops were attacked by the Viet Cong at Da Nang, but
could only defend themselves. In June, they were given permission to take the
fight to the Viet Cong.
For six days in August, the Watts riots shook Los
Angeles, but were replaced on TV by
F-Troop
,
Lost in Space
and Adam’s newest
favorite,
Get Smart
. He loved Agent
86, the bumbling, idiot Bond, and Adam would use his shoe in pretend
conversation with Kosta’s chief. Colanders were used as cones of silence and
they called the Luciferians, and Dark Nobility their CHAOS.
Throughout the year, Kosta kept a careful eye on the
new Pope’s accelerated push to modernize the church. In October, he visited
North America, and by the end of the month, had forgiven Jews for Christ’s
crucifixion. How big of him, Kosta thought. While Kosta and Adam came out of
the Vancouver theatre, humming
My World
is Empty Without You
and replaying scenes from
Thunderball
, Pope Paul VI signed the Second Vatican council.
Outside of the theatre, Adam theatrically read the tagline for the film, “Look
Up! Look Down! Look Out! Here Comes The Biggest Bond of All!” While it wasn’t
the best 007 flick, it had great new gadgets.
The next day, while Adam watched more TV, Kosta
returned to the last part of the
Idammah-Gan.
In Cathari, France, Kosta saw the emerging longing he read
about in earlier depth of corrections. Then, it was realized and spoken aloud
by the two Sangrael opposites. Now, they were one in Adam, who was content to
only watch television. He was given the choice of absolute power and turned it
down. He renounced it, for no other reason than it would hurt too many people.
The price was too high, absolute power was blind and Adam saw too well.
People looked outside themselves for guidance and
fell prey to human frailty. The tools used to reach peace are all faulty. We
see with narrowed eyes, hear with limited ears, smell and taste with an
imperfect nose and mouth and feel with partial touch. Were we to sense a facet
of true light, we wouldn’t have the capacity to understand. There has never
been, nor will there ever be, anything in human experience that will be able to
comprehend what we are. The attempted explanations have always been inadequate.
The light for which we strive is always out of reach.
We’ve used vehicles, religion, science and intellect, but cannot catch up to
it, let alone reach its speed. We’ve described and named the light; God. As
with everyone, Kosta’s senses were too limited. After all, he was human and
used to his five senses. Instinctively Adam understood our senses weren’t
enough. E very person had to learn this instinct — to learn they already
had it inside of him or herself.
Kosta allowed Adam’s instinct to flourish and grow.
He nourished it and allowed him to find his own way, without order, simply
direction. The longer Kosta let it mature, the more this instinct would evolve.
Good and evil were melded in Adam; they would evolve into something never seen
before. Something humanity merely hinted at in scripture, art, literature, and
myth. He would become Messiah, Redeemer, Hermes Tres Majestus, Maitreya,
Buddha, to everybody.
TIME: FEBRUARY 20TH, 1967. DIGBY ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA,
CANADA
January in Canada — the deepest part of winter
— could get anyone down, but Kosta and Adam were easily entertained with
their TV, music and reading.
Rubber Soul
dropped that month, amidst Paul and Art’s
Sounds
of Silence
. Adam loved the opening, “Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve
come to speak to you again.” He said it touched a deep part of him equally
fascinated by the Dark Knight and his sidekick on ABC.
In March, he was amused when John Lennon said the
Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Adam and Kosta didn’t have a problem with
that statement. In fact, in the modern world, most media-revered celebrities
were becoming new religions. As Pope Paul VI demystified the Roman Catholic
Church, it was no wonder people turned to newer forms of entertainment.
Everywhere, people were beginning to explore new
avenues of thought. Kosta used this opportunity to teach Adam that contrary to
some people’s opinion, different worldviews needn’t be socially taboo. If
relegated to the level of thought, it was healthy to be unique and disagree
with commonly accepted belief. However, he also noted that if this continued
and was expressed through appearance, behavior and practice, he should expect
scrutiny and opposition. To illustrate, he pointed out the changes in the
church and how much resistance they elicited. Adam’s beloved Beatles also aptly
exemplified his point. They were different from the usual brush cut and
athletic lads normalized by the media. The Beatles incited scrutiny, comment and
ridicule. Either a person has to be ready for these reactions or remain
anonymous.
Kosta echoed Kazatzakis and told Adam that life was
trouble. As he got older, he would be under more scrutiny and given more
attention so they would make sure he was prepared for it. Trouble is life and
life is trouble — people live to avoid it. Kosta was earnest that the
constants in life are pain and trouble. They’re like breath and blood, both
necessary and unavoidable. Nobody ever said life would always be fun, easy or that
people should be happy. He believed whoever said that life is the pursuit of
happiness was either a moron or manipulator. Once this fact is truly
internalized, freedom may be attained. Free will is a frightening thing and is
unencumbered by what we have chosen to believe. Once liberated a person will
discover that liberty is terrifying and merciless. No cushion of
rationalization will exist to buffer any fall.
In May Kosta’s attention was diverted to CBC’s
Hockey Night in Canada.
This time, he
watched the Canadiens beat Detroit’s Red Wings in four games to two, winning
the cup for Montreal. Scant days later, they listened to the radio and Adam
concentrated on the Rolling Stones’
Paint
it Black
. It wasn’t long until his perennially favorite Fab Four, with
Paperback Writer
, replaced the Rolling
Stones, and even though he had the album, it sounded different broadcast over
the airwaves.
The summer brought another show with which Adam
identified,
Dark Shadows.
In July,
the news showed riots in Chicago and people in Alabama, responding to John
Lennon’s matter of fact statement in March were burning Beatles paraphernalia.
In August, John and the boys released
Revolver
and the
Monkees
came on television.
Adam kept Kosta entertained with his ridicule of Tork, Dolenz, Nesmith and
Jones, enumerating the reasons why he despised them, yet tuning into each
episode. He hated Marlo Thomas to an equal degree, but refused to watch
That Girl.
Everything stopped when
Star Trek
started on NBC. When it was on he was even more riveted
than usual. Until the commercial breaks, the only response Kosta would get from
him was “shhh.”
December and 1966 ended with the bombing of Hanoi and
the escalation of tactics by LBJ’s administration taking precedence in the
news. JFK’s former Vice President was in over his head. Factions, beyond his
understanding, were manipulating him; he was barely able to tread water. There
were many who were beginning to observe the increasing involvement in Vietnam;
Kosta was sure they would start to openly oppose what was becoming a war, not
merely police action. Only the future would tell.
In 1966, their monthly forays into Vancouver yielded
a wider variety of film.
Who’s Afraid of
Virginia Wolf, A Man For All Seasons, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the
Forum
, and
A Fistful of Dollars
provided them with many hours’ worth of conversations. Clint Eastwood was one
of Adam’s favorite actors. Even though he had not been in many films, Adam
thought he was underappreciated.