Lust (21 page)

“I’ve never believed in monogamy, never thought it was achievable, but you make me want to believe in something that I didn’t think existed. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something I’ve never experienced firsthand before. Yes, I told you that I never wanted to let you go and that’s the truth. I don’t. But, at the same time, that also scares me because forever has always felt so unobtainable to me. And yes, despite my weeklong binge drinking, I did tell you that I love you. I remember that. I also remember what you said to me. I don’t know how to explain that because I don’t know what it means. They say you speak the truth when you’re drunk, it heightens your inhibitions, so maybe that’s the truth… I don’t know. I don’t know how to describe how I feel about you because I’ve never felt this way before.

“So don’t say that we want different things because that’s not true. I know what you want; the problem is that I don’t know what I want. I just know I want it with you—whatever
it
is.” I pressed my forehead to hers and her hands immediately cupped my face. “As for why you’re here? I honestly don’t know. I’ve never done anything to deserve you being here. But I know that I don’t want you anywhere else. And if you choose to leave… I’ll follow you anywhere. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.” My voice broke when the sentence ended and I felt such emotion from the words I had just spoken, I was exhausted. But I had spoken the truth, as much as I could stand of it. Did it count as lying if you didn’t tell the whole truth?

“Wow,” she breathed and I felt it against my lips. “That’s book worthy. And I wish it was in a book so I would know what my character is supposed to say to that. That’s the great thing about books; the characters say all the perfect things at the precise moments. Right now, I am speechless.”

“Just say you’re not going anywhere.”

She pulled my face closer and softly pressed her lips to mine. “I’m not going anywhere, Cade.”

I smiled and kissed her again, never wanting to stop. I finally felt like I could relax, she wasn’t leaving me. I pulled her even closer and deepened the kiss. I was more sure than ever that I was experiencing heaven in that moment. My heaven.

*****

The breakfast Ivy had made me turned cold by the time we made it back to the kitchen. After my confession, we stayed on the couch a little longer, talking about anything and everything. Well, everything except for the rest of my secret. I had realized I didn’t know much about her outside of the clinical information I had in her file and the few things she had told me along the way. I wanted to know more. We kept it light, neither one of us wanting to hear the dark parts of our pasts after the morning we had.

I learned all about her favorite books and authors. She read just about anything from just about anyone, but she had a list of authors that she would follow and mark their release dates on a calendar so that she’d remember to get the books when they first came out. Her list included Carina Adams, Meghan March, Ker Dukey, and Amy Harmon—who apparently wrote a book that changed Ivy’s life. She said there is nothing like reading the first edition of a book before readers that think of themselves as grammar experts start pointing out all of the imperfections. In her opinion, the slight imperfections in a book were like the imperfections in people—it’s what makes them who they are. I loved listening to the way she spoke of these books and their characters as if they were real. At one point in time, I worried about the way she viewed books, but hearing her talk about them now gave me a completely different opinion on the matter.

I told her about college, how I studied psychology and then got my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She thought that was ironic considering my views on the subject, but I simply explained that it made perfect sense—I couldn’t be a critic without the knowledge. She had laughed at that. We talked about the years right after college, when I made the decision to work as a sex surrogate and how I had gotten into it in the first place. Most people had either never heard of the profession or looked down on the practice, but that had never deterred me from pursuing it. It also never kept me from having a constant stream of clients. I could tell Ivy was a little hesitant to talk about my line of work, intimidated maybe, and I didn’t know how to handle that. The last thing I wanted to do was rub it in her face that I was more experienced than she was, especially if we were about to embark on… whatever this was. So I made sure to keep it to the basics: why I chose it, did I like it, and was there ever anything else I ever thought about doing.

Then we made lunch—sandwiches—and spent the rest of the day lounging around and recovering. I was recovering from five days of heavy, blackout drinking, and Ivy was recovering from lack of sleep. We lay together on the couch and watched movies, alternating between each of our favorites.

A little after eight, I felt Ivy fall limp in front of me. We were on the couch with her back to my chest and my arm slung over her waist. Sometimes we held hands and other times I mindlessly caressed her outer thigh or forearm while we watched TV. But her hand was limp in mine and her breathing was slow and steady.

I waited a few minutes, watching and listening to her sleep, admiring her peaceful expression. I didn’t want to leave her, but I knew I needed time to think. I needed to sort through my thoughts and feelings and hopefully, by morning, I would have somewhat of a better understanding of it all.

I wanted to pick her up and carry her to bed with me, but I knew that would be too much to handle. I had never slept in the same bed with a woman before and I needed time to process things before I started. Just knowing that at some point, I’d want her in my bed with me was a huge step in itself. But in the meantime, I would have to cover her with a blanket and let her sleep where she was. It was an inner struggle as I pulled the blanket up to her chin, watching her take in deep breaths and shift softly against the cushions. It took me far too long to walk away from her and head back to my own room, to my own bed, alone.

Everything felt so different for some reason. I didn’t feel like myself, my house didn’t feel like my home, and the air around me didn’t feel the same as it entered and exited my lungs. As I started stripping out of my clothes, I began to wonder why that was. Was it because of Ivy’s confession earlier? Was it because of mine? Maybe it was because I had finally admitted to myself the way I feel about her. I didn’t know what it was, but it was something I couldn’t put my finger on and I knew I would not get much sleep that night as I tried to figure it out.

I stepped out of my shorts and tossed them into the hamper. I was just about to pull down my boxers when I remembered that Ivy was in the house. She was opening up, sure, but she was still timid when it came to anything sexual and the last thing I wanted to happen was for her to find me naked in bed and freak out. I didn’t know how I would’ve handled waking up without her there… Actually, I didn’t know how to handle waking up
with
her there, but that thought felt better than the alternative. So I kept my boxers on and sprawled out on my bed on top of the covers. I assumed I’d get warm in the middle of the night since I wasn’t one to wear anything while sleeping, and figured it’d be easier to get under the covers in case I get a chill instead of waking up sweating and reliving that nightmare all over again. Ivy didn’t need to witness that.

The room was dark except for the little bit of lighting coming from the hall outside of my door and the muted moonlight through the windows. I laid with my hands behind my head, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, and thinking about everything. And by everything, I mean, everything Ivy.

Was I capable of having a relationship? And if I was, was it a good idea to have one with someone as tormented as I was? Could two fractured souls come together and make one? Or would we merely drown in each other’s darkness until it shrouded us and left us for dead? I shuddered at that thought, not wanting to give it any more consideration. There was a reason Ivy came into my life, and that is what I had to focus on. I knew she eventually wanted marriage, and I knew I never did. She wanted a real life and I had no idea what one even looked like. The more I stared at the ceiling, processing my thoughts, the more negative I became on the idea. I didn’t want to feel that way. I wanted to believe we could make it work.

Just as I was starting to drift off, everything became clear. I had said it to myself before, and it was true: I couldn’t deny Ivy anything. If it came down to losing her or giving her everything… I’d give it all to her. I didn’t believe in love… but I believed in Ivy. And that was all that mattered.
She
was all that mattered.

At some point in the night, I was startled awake. I had always been a light sleeper—ever since I was eight years old. And the soft dips in my mattress had my eyes popping open, frantically trying to focus on the figure in front of me.

Ivy.

I had thought about her so much before falling asleep that I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or not. She seemed like a dream. She was gorgeous and her hair was flowing, but I waited, lying completely still and pacing my breaths until the answer came to me. And it did, in the sexy sound of her tired and whispered voice.

“I’m sorry to wake you.” Her words swirled around me and landed in my ears.

“You’re fine. Is everything okay?” I was worried that something had happened. I wasn’t used to having houseguests so I didn’t know what to expect when I found one of them crouched on my bed a foot away from me in the middle of the night, staring at me with soft eyes.

I heard her take in a shaky breath and it made my heart rate speed up. Something was wrong; I could feel it. She was scared and I desperately needed to know why. The moment her head fell and her hair covered her face, I reached out to touch her, to comfort her. I just wasn’t prepared for what I’d feel beneath my fingertips as they touched her.

“What’s going on, Ivy? I need you to talk to me, please,” I pleaded softly and slowly.

Her body stilled the moment my hand landed on her warm, bare skin. She was naked. Ivy had crawled into my bed in the middle of the night, stark naked. I was turned-on and worried at the same time. Something was going on with her and I needed to figure it out before I let my mind get too dirty.

“I wanted…” She began with shaky words, not once looking at me.

I sat up and moved into her, forcing her head up and her eyes on mine. “Tell me.”

“I wanted to help you like you helped me,” she timidly admitted.

“I don’t know what that means. Help me how?”

“With the bed thing…” She let her words trail off, allowing me to figure it out for myself.

I smiled into the dark room, knowing exactly what she meant. But I wasn’t going to let her off the hook that easily. She had gotten that far—coming to me naked—because I had pushed her from the beginning. I’d keep pushing her because it was working for both her and me. “And how were you going to do that, Ivy?”

I could tell by the shadows moving across her body that she was shrugging, but I waited it out until she answered my question. “The same way you helped me this morning on the couch.”

“You want to suck my dick?” I knew it sounded crude and vulgar, but I needed clarification and I needed her to use words instead insinuations. If asking offensive questions would achieve that, then that was what I had to do.

She shook her head.

“Then tell me what you wanted to do. I can’t read your mind, Ivy.”

“I was going to… you know… try to have sex with you.”

“
Try
?”

“You know what I mean. If you wanted to.” She blew out a breath of frustration.

I knew I needed to redirect this before she tucked her tail beneath her legs and ran for the hills. I couldn’t believe that she’d come into my bedroom to seduce me. But her lack of self-confidence brought forward concern “If you’re asking me to have sex with you, you should know now that the answer will always be yes. Without a doubt. But only if that’s what you really want to do. I don’t want you coming in here,
trying
to have sex with me if you’re questioning it. But if you’re asking me to have sex with you in my bed… I have to be honest, I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to hurt you or do anything to fuck this up.”

“That’s how I felt this morning, Cade. I didn’t want you to see me down there, but I gave in and you were right. I just thought if I could do that for you… if I could get you to at least try it, maybe you would feel the same way. Maybe you’d see that you can do it.” She paused for a moment and then spoke up, not allowing me a chance to respond. “Never mind. It was stupid of me,” she said tearfully and then tried to move away.

I reached out and grabbed a hold of her upper arm, keeping her from moving. “No. It wasn’t stupid of you. And you’re right. I asked you to trust me… I should do the same for you. I need to show you that I can trust you, too. But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t last time.”

I may not have hurt her physically, but I did hurt her emotionally, and I didn’t want to hurt her at all. “What happens if I can’t do it? It was different last time; I didn’t realize where I was. This time, I would be going into it knowing where I am.” I held her face in my hand, bringing her forehead to mine. “I really don’t want to hurt you, Ivy.”

She moved, leaning into me until she was sitting on my thighs with her legs on either side of mine and her arms around my neck. It was dark, but I could see her eyes clearly as she looked right into mine, showing more confidence than she had since waking me up. “You won’t hurt me, Cade. I know you won’t. I’ve already proven to you that I trust you, but let me prove it again.”

I took her mouth with mine and ran my hands along the sides of her body, feeling the warm, silky skin beneath my palms. I was hard and straining between us, no longer fearing the unknown. She had a way of making me forget everything else around me.

When my hands moved to the tops of her bare thighs, she froze and I pulled my lips away from hers. I knew it would take time until she would be able to go from start to finish without freezing up and when that time would come, I’d celebrate it. But until then, I’d have to harness my patience and play by her rules, pushing only when needed.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she admitted in a slightly humorous whisper.

I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face when I realized she hadn’t stilled out of fear but out of inexperience. I’d help with that. I leaned back against my pillows, keeping her sitting on my legs in front of me with my hands steady on her thighs. “Just go with it. Do what you feel is right. Don’t think too much about it Ivy, and let your instincts take over.”

Her hands softly began to work their way from my stomach to my chest with her fingers fanned out as if she wanted to touch every inch of me. No one had ever touched me so gently before, and it wasn’t something I ever thought I’d like, but what she was doing to me had my insides rolling and my dick swelling. Chills broke out across my flesh and the nerve endings at the base of my spine began to burn, sending a searing hot pressure to my balls and the base of my dick. I knew I had told her to do what she felt was right, but if she kept up with the torture she was putting me through, I would have to take control and do what
I
felt was right.

“Ivy,” I said on a groan as I tilted my pelvis up slightly. “If you keep doing that, we won’t make it to the sex part.”

She leaned down, pulling her lips as close to my ear as she could, and whispered, “I can’t fuck you through your underwear. You’re good… but not that good.” She giggled as she repeated my words to her from the week before. It was sexy as hell.

I grabbed a hold of her ass cheeks and pulled her naked body against mine, thrusting my covered cock into her bare pussy. Her nipples were hard pebbles pressing into my chest, begging to be bitten. But I wouldn’t do that to her, unless she wanted me to. This was her moment to heal me, and I had to let her do it; I just wouldn’t last on her timeline.

“Then you’re either going to have to move or take them off yourself,” I challenged her.

She moved in order for me to take my boxers off… much like I thought she would. In time, I knew I would have her pulling my boxers down with her teeth just before cupping my balls in her hand and licking the tip of my cock. I knew that if I gave her time, she would open up and do all of the things she wanted to. The fact that she came into my room naked with the intent of having sex with me proved that.

I threw my boxers on the floor next to me, not caring where they landed, and laid back down and waited for her to come to me. I watched as she timidly moved back over me, situating herself with her legs on either side of my hips. She held herself up with her hands on my chest and stared at me, unmoving. For the first time in my life, I found myself in awe of a woman. I found myself concerned with her insecurity and didn’t feel the irritated feeling to correct it. Instead, I found the patient need to wait it out until she felt that she was confident enough.

My fingers found their way to her heat, pressing into her to test her readiness. I urged her on with my fingers and it didn’t take long before she was soaking my fingers, riding my hand. I knew then that she was ready and pulled my hand away, positioned her over my hard dick, and waited for her to make the next move. I wouldn’t lower her on me no matter how much I wanted—needed—to. It would be so easy to grind her hips down on me but I fought the urge to do so. I was going to wait for her to make the decision and do it all on her own.

Three breaths… that’s how long it took before she sank down on me, wrapping her warmth around me. Every single breath felt like an eternity. Slowly, she pushed all the way down until she had me filling her completely. The sounds that passed her lips, coupled with the tight grip her pussy had on my dick had me ready to come right then and there. I was a man that prided himself on his stamina, yet Ivy had a way of taking that away in a matter of seconds. Lasting five minutes would be a miracle when it came to satisfying her. She held the ability to completely unravel my composure.

After a single heartbeat, she began to move on me. That’s how long it took her. It was rigid at first until I gripped her hips and helped her find her rhythm. It was slow and torturous, killing me with each long pull and then reviving me with each long push.

She was too far away from me and I needed her closer so I laid a flat hand on her lower back and pulled her body into mine. She lost her pace for a moment and then found it again. The change in position pushed me deeper into her and I could tell she enjoyed it by the change in her breathing.

“Are you okay?” she asked, pulling up a bit, and then looking me straight in the eyes as she rode me.

I smiled and nodded. “I’d be even better if you talked to me.”

I heard her giggle softly, feeling it reverberate off the inside of my chest. “I don’t know how to talk dirty, Cade. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing here.” She was whispering and sounded slightly out of breath. I was unsure if it was because of nerves or what we were doing. But it was too slow to have overexerted her, so I had to assume it was nerves or being turned on. “I can’t say to you what the girls in the books say. That would be too embarrassing.”

“Then don’t. Say anything you want. Do anything you want. There is no wrong way, Ivy… only what feels right.” I grabbed the back of her head and took her mouth roughly with mine for a moment. “I don’t want you to give me things you’ve read about. I only want you to give me what you feel.”

Her already slow movements slowed even more as she pushed away slightly and looked at me with a serious expression. “Okay. If you want to hear me talk dirty using my own words, then here it goes.” She took a deep breath as if readying herself for something shocking. “No one has ever looked at me the way you do. No one has ever heard me the way you do. And no one has ever touched me the way you do.” She stopped moving completely and lowered her head again, bringing her lips just close enough to brush them against mine. I literally breathed in her next words and they quickly became part of me. “So own me, Cade.”

My head lifted off the pillow as I kissed her forcefully, flipping her over at the same time. I never took my lips from hers nor did I remove my dick from her warmth. But I stayed still, unmoving inside of her. I finally pulled my mouth away as I supported myself over her body and looked down at her. She was absolute fucking perfection—
my
perfection. Our heavy breaths lingered between us as we lay still, silent, and observant.

“Is that what you want?” I asked, giving her one more chance to change her mind.

She nodded shyly but kept her eyes focused on mine intently.

I turned my head and sucked her neck hard, making sure to leave a mark that would remind her of this moment every time she looked in the mirror for days. I needed to mark her—brand her—as mine. If she wanted me to own her, I would own the fuck out of her. My lips moved down her neck, scraping her collarbone along the way and growing harder with every gasp and moan she released into the quiet air around us. I gave one hard thrust, burying myself in her deep. Even when I was as far into her as I could get, I continued to push, further and further in some sort of desperation I had never felt before.

I began to move further down her body and slowly pulled out of her, regretting it immediately once the hiss escaped her lips. My mouth found her hardened nipple and I teased it first with my tongue, making sure she felt it clear to her toes. The moment she began to writhe beneath me, I pinched it between my teeth, earning a gasping scream from Ivy. I smiled and moved over to the other side, making sure she’d feel me everywhere in the morning.

“Please…” she began to bed softly, as if too embarrassed to ask any louder but unable to stay silent. “Please, Cade.”

“What do you want?” I needed to hear her say it. “What do you want me to do?”

“Own me.” It was said with a mixture of pleading, desperation, and want. And that was all I needed to hear. It was more than I needed to hear.

I sat back on my haunches and grabbed her hipbones roughly, flipping her over to her stomach, and quickly settling back between her legs. I flattened my chest to her back, pressing her into the mattress as I pushed one arm beneath her stomach to gain some leverage. In one quick thrust, her heat enveloped me again. She must have liked this position because she couldn’t keep quiet, letting out soft whimpers and moans, panting and fisting the pillow next to her.