Lucca's Lust: The Luminara Series Book 3 (26 page)

Dickheads.

Even though I have visited before and I know of the history here, I still engage in our tour, although my eyes do not fall far from Lexi. I admire her taking in the authenticity and wonder of everything around us. Enchanting. The way she gasps and smiles in wonder, showing her appreciation of the museum, is gratifying.

In the chapel, I light one candle, take a pew, and bow my head in silent prayer. I pray for my son, for Jasmine, and for my Uncle Genaro. The one candle is all I need to show my love by paying my respects and asking God to protect and look after them. I believe Jasmine is looking after my son because she could very well be his angel. She was innocent and kind, and if anyone could nurture and care for my boy, then it would be her.

Crazy thoughts darken my mind. Is that why God decided to take Jasmine’s life, so she would be in Heaven waiting for my son when he arrived? Was it all part of his plan? I could question the improbable and explore my thoughts for endless hours.

Keeping my head lowered, I think of the one candle symbolising my heart—my brightness—because it is my promise to them that I will be strong and forever hold them in my heart. I do not need to light a candle for each of them because they already are bright and glowing everywhere around me, or at least I like to believe they are.

Suddenly I become extremely drained and emotionally withdrawn because the spiritual presence within the chapel and the prayers I recite in my mind overwhelm me. I always feel relatively drained after praying to the good Lord, especially about my little boy in Heaven who never even had a chance a life. I never got to hold him or kiss him or even tell him I love him. That fills me with a sadness and emptiness.

I have accepted that he is in a peaceful place, but it still does not lessen the pain or anger deeply rooted inside of me. It makes me wonder what life would be like had God spared him. Would I be teaching him how to swim and play football, going to watch his school performances, sports days, parent meetings … taking him to kids’ birthday parties, sharing my love for cinnamon gelato with him, cleaning the grazes on his skinned knees, and reading him bedtime stories? They are the somethings I always question when I say my prayers.

As much as Casey has encouraged me to think about my future and accept that my boy is in a better place, and assure me I am not responsible for either Jasmine or my boy’s tragic deaths, I cannot help but feel regret and remorse.

It is who I am, how I am built. My eyes fill with unshed tears. I wipe my nose, swallow hard, and try to hold it back. I do not want Lexi thinking I am a fucking pussy. Lexi … God, I have been in my own world.

The sounds of her quiet sniffles jolt me. She is crying. Turning around, I see her face wet, eyes brimming with her own tears, and it is all I can do but to kiss her all over and promise her I am here for her.

Selfishly, I have been praying and struggling with my own internal demons to even notice that my girl is hurting also. Of course she is hurting. She has a life of pain within that little body and mind of hers.

Wapping my arm around her shoulder, I pull her closer and press my face to her neck. A small, subtle gesture, but so she knows I have her. Taking hold of both her hands, I press my forehead against hers and wipe her tears, admiring how beautiful she is in front of the luminosity from the flickering candles even when she has been crying.

Relaxing and closing my eyes, I do not expect her to gently reach over and wipe a tear on my cheek that has leaked through the dam, that I have desperately tried to hide in the most macho way possible. But it is too much. I cannot help it. The raw emotions festering inside are breaking me down.

The soft touch of her thumb wiping my tear sends a rush of warm contentment through me. A small act of kindness, but it feels so nice, so reassuring. She cares. She cares enough to comfort me, even amidst her own upset and distress. God, I do not deserve her. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and now as we stand in front of the altar, I silently pray to God, thanking him for the wonder of fate intervening and that Lexi walked into my life.

I am certain that Lexi was part of his plan, because with her by my side I am sure I will be the best man I am ever going to be by finding happiness with her and finally being complete. This incredible woman may just be my future, my brightness, and my eternal light because the feelings and emotions she encapsulates in me are unparalleled.

Like a forever glowing candle.
Hope.

A burning light filled with promise.
Future.

Sharing a light with Lexi is perfect solace
. Forever.

Leaving the chapel, she squeezes my hand tightly. I reciprocate by rubbing my thumb across her knuckles. She seems calmer, radiating a sense of peacefulness about her. More composed. The way she clutches on to my hand I think is a sign of her devotion to me, not a cry for her own solace. I get the impression she is trying to comfort me in a reassuring grip, because as she glances at me, her eyes soften in a sympathetic way and she smiles thoughtfully.

Nonno’s words come back to me when he said that women are very good at being compassionate and understanding. He suggested if my relationship blossoms with Lexi, I should eventually share my past and heart-breaking experience with her regarding my son and Fran. Perhaps he is right. She might learn to trust me more. If I open up, then hopefully she might as well.

She seems to be so overcome with showing me comfort that she ignores her own despair and anguish. It is not right that she should be thinking of me and putting me first. I should be supporting her, but I am happy that she thinks enough of me to deeply care.

Later, I owe her an explanation. I cannot let her show me compassion and ignore her own feelings without giving her the decency of knowing why I am a mess, of what I am thinking or what I have been through.

I guess I am at my most fragile right now and she has picked up on it. It just proves to me that I should not hide that chapter of my life from her because instinctively I think she will understand.

Alberto and Tomasso are waiting to guide us to the castle for our private tour. The way they eye Lexi’s ass when she walks pisses me off. In Italian, and as diplomatically as possible, I ask them to leave us here and to refrain from inappropriately staring at my girl.

Fuckers!

Christ, I am turning into a jealous and possessive man where Lexi is concerned.

Gina, an old friend, gives us a private tour so we are not huddling or queuing in groups. She is just as I remember her, a little older now perhaps. It might be a few years; I really cannot remember. Makes no difference, she is good at what she does here, and I knew that she would help me out at such short notice. She has always been enthusiastic, if not a little too keen.

We sample wines, admire the artwork, all the while Gina has acted completely professional. But now our tour is drawing to a close and she shows some of the flirtatious traits I remember. Closing the space between us, she offers me her card and comes across as being rather suggestive in front of my girl.

Sensing Lexi feels uncomfortable because she does not know where to look, I gladly give Gina a warning in Italian as not to embarrass Lexi. Making myself perfectly clear, I mention that I am taken, Lexi is my girl. She has my heart and I plan a very long future with her. For safe measure, I add that I value my friendship with Gina, but that is where our relationship ends; I have no plan of hooking up with her again.

Gina gasps, completely flabbergasted, taking a step back. She tries to act as if she is unaffected, but quite frankly I made my point, and it has riled her, rightly so. I refuse to have her flirting in front of my girl. She bids farewell to Lexi first, and it is not lost on me that Lexi becomes rigid and looks startled. Kissing me goodbye, I feel Gina holds on to me just a little too tightly. I usher Lexi out before things become awkward.

I never considered that it might make Lexi uncomfortable being in Gina’s presence, but then again, I never expected Gina to be downright forward in front of Lexi either. I hoped that Gina would be more mature, putting the past behind her like I have, but I guess I might have been wrong.

Alberto and Tomasso are waiting for us, both wearing sunglasses this time so it is hard to tell if they are ogling my girl. Reality strikes me. This is something I am going to have to accept. People are always going to admire Lexi anywhere she goes. Men will be captivated and transfixed by her beauty, and women will be intimidated and jealous of her. Anyone who does not show my girl respect will get staved off.

Part one: Lussuria ~ Lucca’s Words

“Lussuria ~ Chapter Eighteen: Confessions”

First Proper Date

She seems to be taking her time in the restroom. Just as I am about to go and get her, she walks towards me. She looks a little pale, but her skin feels flushed. I need to get her fed quickly before she faints on me again.

I could take her to any restaurant or vineyard in the region, but I want this date to be intimate and special, so I have decided to cook for her at the farmhouse. I like the idea that we will not have any interruptions, and now that Hazel is preoccupied with Dominic, Lexi will not feel guilty about leaving her.

For the first part of the journey, Lexi is very quiet, and it unsettles me. When I ask her what is wrong, she asks about Gina. I was hoping she would not pick up on Gina flirting, but evidently she did. Woman’s intuition, I guess. I want to be as honest with her as I can. My past is my past. Unfortunately, Lexi was not part of it. I cannot change that, but I can ensure she is my whole future if I win her heart.

“Gina, was she your girlfriend once?” she asks.

Fuck, I did not expect her to just come out with it. I want to respect Lexi and not make her feel uncomfortable, but I also want to tell her the truth. I more or less indicated that I had several sexual encounters before her, so hopefully she will not be surprised.

The thing is, I cannot even remember exact details about when I slept with Gina. It was only the once, or maybe twice, after a festival in one of the local towns and it was many years ago. It must have been in my pre-Jasmine days, pre-cancer, because Gina is a brunette and I never slept with other brunettes until Lexi.

“She was never my girlfriend. She is a friend. I have known her for years. Her family is friends with ours.”

“Did you sleep with her?” she asks, almost with a hint of disappointment, but then she throws her hand over her mouth as if she is embarrassed she has blurted it out. Cute.

“You are so cute, and yes, I have slept with her, but we have never dated. It was a long time ago. She is a good friend, but I am not attracted to her. Please do not worry about her. Why are you asking? Did she say something to you?”

“It was kind of obvious before she mentioned something,” she barely whispers, looking out of the window. I could fucking murder Gina for being tactless.

“Fuck! What did she say to you? I want to know. Was she inappropriate?” I raise my voice and grip the wheel, driving at an almighty speed now, feeling riled to the core.

She refuses to tell me. If I need to drive back up there I will.

“She said ... she said I was just like them … the other women … and that I would never have your heart.” Lexi sighs and turns away from me. She is upset. No wonder. What a fucking thing to say to my girl. Not only did Gina manage to make her feel uncomfortable, but she also had to blatantly rub Lexi’s nose in my colourful history with women.

Gina is right about one thing though. I have never given my heart. Jasmine never had it, Fran only had a piece of it, but Lexi has no idea that the minute my lips crashed against hers in the bathroom for the first time, she had all my heart.

“I want to talk to you about this. I am so fucking angry with her. She has no goddamn fucking right. I have a good mind to call her and give her a piece of my mind, and it will not be pleasant,” I add.

This just confirms to me everything I have been thinking. I need to tell Lexi about Fran and be honest about my past. If Lexi is going to be about my family so much while she is here in Tuscany, I cannot hide it from her. But Jasmine is different, and I can hide that. My family does not know about Jasmine, only Marco and Fran, and Lexi does not need to know about that chapter.

After a pleasant drive, we reach my farmhouse and Lexi stares in awe. She is intrigued. I give her the tour, pleased that Violetta fulfilled my request to have a bouquet of blue orchids left on the table. Lexi appreciates it, along with the panoramic views and my pool.

Leaving her out back, I unload the hamper and check the fridge is well stocked. I begin preparing lunch for her. When I check on her, I smile wickedly, appreciating the view in front of me: Lexi is lying on the lounger in her black lacy bra and knickers. An erotic vision if ever I have seen one.