Love Resisted (The Real Love Series) (6 page)

Before she could respond, Mike whispered close to her ear, “Is she a threat? Am I supposed to take her out?” She shivered at his proximity before laughing at his comment and looking at him. His position put him too close to her face, and she fought to control the gasp that almost escaped. He was close, his lips were very close. She could feel his breath on her cheek, over her lips. Her skin tingled with the sensation, and her body almost leaned in for contact.
Why wasn’t she moving away
, she asked herself. Why wasn’t
he
moving away for that matter? Thank God for Maddie interrupting whatever the heck it was that was happening.

“Oh, hi Auntie, I didn’t see you there. I was just going to get the DVD player set up to play a video Grandma and I made for Jonathan. Mom said it would be better to set it up out here ‘cause there was more room for everyone.”

She turned back to face Madison and readjust her position to a less relaxed position. Clearly, when she was comfortable, she let her guard down. “You made a video with Grandma? How is that even possible? She can’t even check her email without assistance.”

Madison giggled as she went about her business of setting things up and said, “I know, right? Maybe it would be better to say that I made the video, on her computer, using pictures that she supplied me. She has a big collection of them so I had to use hers.”

Pictures? There were going to be pictures … of who?
She suddenly felt like she should be avoiding this video of pictures. Sometimes it was easier to avoid painful reminders of happy times gone by. In an attempt to extract herself from the possibility of such pain, she made a move to get up when everyone started to pile into the room. Her chance at escaping and not witnessing this had passed before she even knew she needed to. Sitting back into the couch, her heart rate picked up as a small amount of panic set in. She was certain there was going to be pictures of Marc—there had to be. This was his family, too.

Taking in a deep breath, she tried to calm herself down a little. The baby probably picked up on her tension and began to wake up
more. Allie focused on her and made soothing noises. She wasn’t sure if she was doing it for the baby or herself, but it seemed to work for both. Gurgling noises caught her attention, and chubby little hands started grabbing for Allie’s cheeks. She couldn’t help but smile before pressing the chubby little hand to her lips to blow a raspberry on it, making the baby giggle. Mike huffed a laugh, too, which then caught the baby’s attention, causing her to make a grab for his face. Allie held the baby tighter, but let her play with him. He smiled, made cooing sounds, and then also blew a raspberry on that chubby little hand. It was freaking adorable.

People had filled the room, and the baby was taking note of all of them, especially when her mother came in. She reached out for her as Morgan came closer and sat next to Allie. Settling her on her lap, she gave her kisses and
a snuggle before asking Allie, “Did she just wake up?”

Allie nodded. “Yeah, when everyone started to come in. Up ‘til then, she was sound asleep and totally comfortable.”

Morgan answered Allie in a baby-like voice, as she bounced her daughter on her knee. “Of course she was. She was with Aunt Allie. All babies love their Aunt Allie. Isn’t that right? Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”

Apparently baby talk about her was, calming too, Allie thought as she grabbed onto it and held on tight. Her anxiety was starting to climb again. Closing her eyes, she took in a slow, surprisingly steady breath. Then another. She knew there were quite a few people in the room, but the only noise she could hear was her heartbeat, which was crazy loud in her ears.

A hand on her knee drew her attention away from the pounding in her ears. She looked to the hand, then up to the body it was attached to. Mike had a concerned look on his face as he stared down at her. He had abandoned the Nerf gun and was leaning a bit toward her as he squeezed his hand still resting on her knee. “You okay?”

She could only nod as she looked back at him, assuming she really looked like she was about to lose her shit in front of everyone. “You don’t look like you’re okay. Should I get the baby back for you? I’m sure I can get her from Morgan, but then I would have to deal with Sean, and then you’d be on your own for protection at that point.” A small smile found her lips, which somehow let her breath a little easier, too. He was distracting her, whether he realized it or not, and she was grateful for it. Allie tried to hang on to that distraction as she heard the music start, signaling the beginning of the slideshow.

CHAPTER FIVE

MIKE watched the color drain right out of Allie’s face. It looked like a good old-fashioned panic attack was setting in. Not sure what triggered it or why, he reached out and touched her knee, thinking it was the only safe place to touch her. He needed to touch her to get her attention, since he thought she might not hear him otherwise. When he asked her if she was okay, she gave a very good impression of a bobble head doll. But the look of panic was still there.

He felt like he needed to do something, she
needed
something, but he had no idea what that might be. Her distress was calling to him and he felt he should attempt to divert her attention away from whatever was causing it. He did what he could to distract her, and joking about stealing the baby back from Morgan might have done the trick.

He watched as she blinked rapidly a few times, and the panicked look receded a tiny bit. A small pathetic excuse for a smile even made its way to her face. She looked to relax fractionally. He would take it; it was better than nothing. Especially since he had no idea why. He knew he mentioned feeding her tomorrow, and he hoped that wasn’t the reason she looked like she wanted to run and hide forever. Wouldn’t that suck for a man’s ego? Although he made a mental note that she didn’t decline
his invitation either, and she seemed to panic more after Maddie walked in.

She’d mentioned a video, then Morgan came in, and the baby made her way out of Allie’s reach. All three things happened in quick succession so he really didn’t know what was wrong with her. But he knew she needed something, and he would stay close to figure out what it was.

Even though Mike was paying attention to Allie, he could hear Madison talking to everyone. “So my grandma and I wanted to do something cool for Jonathan for graduation. And what could be cooler than a slideshow video that has pictures of him from birth to now?” The crowd chuckled a little, and he heard a groan from someone, too. He could only assume it came from Jonathan. “So make sure you pay attention to all the pics and let me know if you want a copy. Even though I’m pretty sure my brother will try to destroy the disc immediately.” The young woman smiled at her brother and said, “This is for you, Jonathan.” Then she pressed play and music filled the room.

It was a country song he recognized, but it took him a few seconds to figure out which one it was. Allie tensed a bit more, and the look of panic filled her eyes again. He squeezed her knee once more in reassurance and turned his head to look at the television screen. There were pictures of a baby and younger versions of Gillian and Logan moving across the monitor as Kenny Chesney sang about being young. Some pictures moved to the side, some faded in and out, all while the people taking in the
show let out the usual
aawww
as they watched. About ten seconds later, a picture came up on the screen of what he assumed was the infant version of Jonathan, being held by a very young Allie. He couldn’t help his smile as he stared at her picture. She was the same, only younger. Except her smile, which was clearly much brighter then. It was carefree, full of energy and life … and then he realized what she was upset about.

Turning back to her, he could see that her eyes were once again closed, and her body trembled slightly. She was barely holding it together. He could only assume she was panicking over possibly seeing pictures of her late husband. It had been over five years, but she still couldn’t see pictures of him without this response? Her pain was clearly still very much on the surface, and he made a silent vow to find a way to make this less painful for her. Looking at the people around him, they were oblivious to what was going on, and he wanted to keep it that way. From his own experience, he was certain the second a picture of Marc came up on the screen everyone was going to turn and look at her to see her reaction.

He slid his body up against hers from knee to hip. Taking his hand from her knee, he crossed it over her body and squeezed her opposite knee while pressing his arm firmly across her body. It was something he had learned to do for his son when he was younger and they’d attended grief counseling. Since the situation prevented him from wrapping her up in his arms to add comfort, the pressure of his body across her and at her side would help. He looked down at her and whispered, “Hey, take a deep breath and let it out slowly.” She still had her eyes closed, but she did as he said, which was a good sign. “Now open your eyes and look at me.” She did.

“Hi there,” he whispered with a smile, “I can tell you’re not doing too well, sweetie, but I need you to focus.” She nodded. “As soon as a picture of Marc appears on that screen, everyone is going to look at you.” She stiffened against him, causing him to apply a little more pressure with his arm and grip on her knee. She relaxed back a bit and even leaned into his side more. “It’s not cool, but that is what they
’ll do. So if you don’t want everyone to know how you feel right now, I need you to focus and step away from the edge.”

Around them, people were obviously enjoying the slideshow, as he heard some laughter mixed in with the song, which he thought was a great choice. He maintained eye contact with Allie and took in a deep breath, willing her to copy him. She did. Taking in another few deep breaths, he could see her calming a little bit. “Feeling a little better?” he asked. She once again nodded.

“Good. Now you’re gonna have to either watch it, or if you don’t want to see his picture, I can squeeze your knee when I see it, and you can direct your attention to your nephew or something. Anywhere but at the monitor.” She took in another deep breath and closed her eyes for a second before opening them and nodding at him. Squeezing her leg in acknowledgment, Mike turned his attention toward the slideshow and watched the years go by. It was when Jonathan reached about age five or six that Mike saw the picture. Jonathan sat perched up on the shoulders of a big man. Or at least he looked big next to Allie, who stood with her arms around his waist, smiling for the camera. Marc had brown thick curly hair, a full beard, and a great big smile. They were all wearing Padres jerseys and other gear, the background looked like they were at a game.
What a great picture
, he thought, as he squeezed Allie’s knee to let her know to be prepared.

Just as he predicted, people turned to look for Allie. He knew people did that kind of thing, not necessarily out of pity, but sympathy maybe. On the many occasions when it happened to him, he would have to remind himself he wasn’t the only one who lost a loved one. Everyone lost someone they knew and loved, and probably didn’t know what to do when they were presented with the memory of him or her. It wasn’t like they were reminded on a daily basis that
your
spouse was gone. For them, it wasn’t a constant thing, so the little reminders of it were probably sad for them. He understood it, accepted it even, but that didn’t mean he had to like it.

ALLIE’s heart was beating like a rabbit’s. The sharp edge of the panic attack was hovering in the perimeter, just waiting to pounce on her. She hadn’t had one like this in a really long time; she wasn’t prepared for it and wasn’t exactly sure why it was such a strong one. Her guard had been down, and she wasn’t sure if it was because of Mike, and maybe the little bit of guilt she felt at the thought of her husband. This was ridiculous. She knew how to
function with her grief, and had survived this long without totally losing her shit. So why was it happening now?

Strangely, even though she wondered if Mike was the reason she had the panic attack, he was definitely helping her control it. Just the comfort she was feeling from the body contact was lifesaving. She latched onto it and hung on tightly. Wrapping her hand around the arm that was pressed against the front of her body, she searched out her nephew in the people surrounding them. She was thankful to notice that nobody seemed to be paying her any attention. Thank God.

Finding Jonathan, she tuned out everything else but the feel of Mike’s body against hers, and the profile of her nephew. He smiled as he watched whatever it was that came across the screen and it struck her once again, how much he looked like her brother. She had always wondered what her son would look like, if she had ever had one. Between her family’s genes, and Marc’s, he would’ve been a beautiful young man, too. A small tear formed and escaped her eye at the thought of what she would never have. Lost in that thought, she barely felt Mike squeeze her knee, as she watched a big smile spread across Jonathan’s face. He turned to look at her, and all she could do was smile back at him.

Marc and Jonathan were close; she knew he looked up to him, and they did a lot of stuff together. For a second, she wondered what picture of Marc it was that had put the smile on her nephew’s face. She refrained from looking, only because she knew she was teetering on the edge and
couldn’t risk losing it. Over the course of the next few minutes, Allie kept her gaze trained on Jonathan, then Madison, and any other child she loved. They made her stronger and kept her distracted. There was an occasional knee squeeze from Mike, signaling another picture of Marc. With each squeeze, she felt terrible guilt over avoiding them. When the song was close to ending, she felt that she was strong enough to look and focused her attention on the slideshow. Putting her hand over Mike’s, she gave it a squeeze and he looked over at her.

From the corner of her eye, she could make out his smile before he turned his hand over and gripped hers. There were only a few pics of Marc left to see, and she was glad she got to see them. Especially when one of her favorite ones came up, which she knew was also one of Jonathan’s. There he was, her big beautiful man, smiling back at her. Allie was on his back, and Jonathan was on her back. The original intent had been to dog pile on top of Marc, but the two of them couldn’t keep him down. By the time the picture was taken, he was fully standing, with both of them mounted on his back, laughing like lunatics. Even though another tear rolled down her cheek, she was smiling by the time the slideshow finished.

She saw Gillian off to the side with her arm wrapped around Jake, her other hand holding Logan’s as they finished watching it, too. Allie’s tears were nothing compared to Gillian’s, and she was momentarily thankful that tears for this kind of thing weren’t uncommon. Looking around, you could see all the women were affected by the sweetness of what they watched. And she was comfortable knowing that nobody saw her lose it. Nobody except Mike. Turning to look at him, she realized he had moved his arm and shifted slightly over to give her appropriate space. Allie had to fight the urge to shift closer to get that contact back. Glancing down at the space then back up at him, he gave an apologetic look. “Sorry. I knew you needed something …”

He looked worried
, a little embarrassed maybe, so she stopped him with a hand to his arm and blurted out, “Thank you.” Mike’s shoulders relaxed when she said that and some of the tension left his face. She felt bad that he was worried about her reaction to his contact, when what he did was clearly for her benefit. There was silence for few moments, and she really needed to get up, move around. Move onto new conversations, maybe steal the baby back. So she stood up, prepared to do just that. Looking down at him, she felt that her verbal thank you just wasn’t enough. Leaning over, she placed her hand on his shoulder and then kissed him on the cheek softly as she repeated the words, “Thank you, Mike.”

When she pulled back, he gave her a one-sided smile and said, “You’re very welcome, Allie.” She gave him an answering smile, before turning and walking away, completely ignoring the fact that every cell in her body felt the connection she had with him.

A few hours and a couple glasses of wine later, Allie was relaxed and content. It was time for everyone to say goodnight, and they were making the rounds. That’s when Allie remembered how she was kidnapped from her condo earlier that day, and now she needed a ride home. Shaking her head at what Mike did, she looked around and assessed her options. Seeing Morgan and Sean heading for the door first, she went to ask but realized that there was only room for five in their car, which meant they were at capacity. Her parents had already taken off, and Jake was probably busy planning how to secure Gillian in bubble wrap. She needed to find Jason or Logan. Making her way into the house, she asked where either of them were, but came up empty. The two men had either left or were playing pool in the garage.

As she got closer to the garage, she heard them and sighed in relief at finding them. Always one to make an entrance, she said as she walked into the room, “All right, which one of you lucky men gets to give me a ride home?”  Logan and
Jason both put their fingers to their noses and smiled big. Irritated that they would both leave her hanging like that, she geared up to give them trouble when she noticed Mike sitting off to the side. No finger to his nose. Somehow she felt like she’d been set up. “Oh, come on guys, it’s not that far,” she whined to Jason and Logan.

“Sorry Al, no can do. Jason and I have had a few beers, and well, since I live next door, I really didn’t have to worry about driving home,” her stupid brother confessed. So she looked to Jason, who shrugged and said, “I don’t even have a car here. I rode over with my parents and planned on crashing at Logan’s. Sorry half-pint.”

“Don’t call me that,” she grumbled as she looked over at Mike, who sat silently and waited for her to realize he was her only option. Walking was also an option, but actually less appealing than riding with Mike. “Well, since you’re the reason I need a ride in the first place, let’s go, Lawson,” she said with exasperation.