Love Notes (26 page)

It’s beautiful, thoughtful and romantic. It’s all of these things. But the feeling in the pit of my stomach continues to grow. I decide to wait and give him a couple of dances. After what I have to say, I might not ever get another one.

The first song I’ve chosen is Parachute, She Is Love. “This is how I feel about you.” He tenderly pulls me to him and as the song begins, we start to dance. Slowly, arms wrapped around one another as he begins to quietly sing,

“I lost my faith in my darkest days but she makes me want to believe. They call her love and she is all I need, she is love and she is all I need and she is all I need.”

The tears start to fall, and I try unsuccessfully, to hide them. “What’s wrong?” He looks at me with concern.

“It’s not you, it’s me. I know a clichéd, right? But it’s true, I swear.”

He looks at me, like he doesn’t believe me. “If you can’t forgive me…..”

“It’s not that, trust me. You need to let me tell you something.”

Maverick takes us to a bench to sit down and I begin to speak, afraid that I might chicken out. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

“I want to be with you, I really do. But I can’t. Not right now. Do you know, when we were dancing tonight, one of my first thoughts was, that I finally felt worthy to be on your arm?”

I let out a harsh laugh, shaking my head and look back at him, “That can’t be normal. For years I’ve been called stupid, fat ass, you name it. It’s been said. And I believed it. Every damn word.”

“But you’re not, don’t you see that?” Maverick asks.

“No, I don’t and that’s the problem. I’m always second guessing any compliment given to me and I don’t believe them. I need to talk to someone and deal with things that have been hidden and buried for far too long. I need to learn to be happy with me ‘first’.

Maverick grabs my hand, twining my fingers through his. “You make me a better person. I get it. I do. I hate it, but I understand it. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

I start shaking my head vehemently, “I can’t ask you to do that!” As the tears quickly cascade down my face.

“You’re not asking, I’m telling you. I will be here when you’re ready. I love you so much and as much as it pains me to say, I think you’re right. And I don’t think you’ll ever believe me when I say it, until you start to see yourself differently. You need to see how awesome and beautiful you are. I will wait for you.”

He leans towards me, placing his hands on each side of my face and says, “I can’t wait for you to see what I see.” And then he kisses me. He kisses me with everything he has and I take it.

I don’t know how long it will be before I’ll get another one. So I’ll savor it and hold onto it.

Epilogue

3 months later

The path to self discovery is never an easy one. It's hard as hell to be honest. I was brought up my whole life being told how horrible I was. I wasn’t good enough, thin enough or pretty enough. After a while, you start to believe it. You can’t help but think the very worst about yourself.

All–of–the–time.

I’ve been seeing a counselor. She’s helped me to understand several things. For one, I’ve finally begun to see my parents for who they are. They are mean, horrible people that felt so bad about themselves, that they felt the need to constantly put me down, which is their problem and was never mine. They don’t define me and what kind of person I am or who I choose to become.

I remember leaving a session, going home and looking up in the dictionary what self-worth meant. This is what it says:

Self-worth: the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect

It struck a chord with me and made me think. I alone define my own self-worth. Not a boy, but me. No one else can make me feel good about myself. My own personal value is what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says. But mine.

As for my parents. They refuse to speak to me. I still don’t know who my real father is, but maybe one day, my mom will come around and provide some information. But, I’m not holding my breath.

Shelby’s provided me with a loving home and has become the mom that I was always lacking, and who I will always be eternally grateful for.

As for Tori, I couldn't have asked for a better best friend. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She saw things in me, before I ever saw them in myself.

There’s still several months of school left and then I'll move on to college. This time, I’m not as anxious to leave.

As far as Maverick goes, he's always around and ever patient with me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s waiting for the green light. But, he knows I need this time and true to his word, he’s waiting. As far as us getting back together? I see it in the very near future.

I'm not healed yet and I probably won’t ever be. I believe that this is something I may truly never get over, but will hopefully get easier with time.

I’m finally seeing myself in a different light, than I did three months ago. I have a guy that loves me and who’s willing to wait for me. I have a best friend who’ll always be there for me in a heart beat, and defend me from the ‘bitches’.

I no longer use the mirror as a form of personal punishment. Now when I look, I see me. Charlie, with a boy's name. Who’s more confident, kind, smart and finally starting to see herself as pretty and kind of special.

Gone is the tear streaked, over weight, double chinned, ugly girl that I once saw when I stood in front of the mirror. Gone, is the plain Jane girl.

THE END

Look for book 2 Heart Strings in the Love Note Series
Coming Winter 2013
Continue to read a sneak peak of Heart Strings
&
The first chapter of Seeking Havok
By Lila Felix

Heart Strings

Prologue

It was spring break here in Georgia and we’d all decided to spend the day at the lake. It looked like we might be heading into an early summer. The weather in Georgia could be unpredictable most of the time. One day cool, the next hot and humid.

There’s just the four of us. Me, Will, Maverick and Charlie. Yes, Maverick and Charlie have made their way back to each other; they’re stuck to each other like glue. I don't think he’ll ever make the mistake he did last time. Maverick’s knee’s are healed, but he still fights a slight limp. He’ll never play professional football again, but seems content with it. As smart as he is, he’ll probably still end up with an academic scholarship and try his hand at something else.

Charlie’s come a long way. She’s finally happy. Happier than I have ever seen her. She still has moments of insecurity. I think she always will. Charlie needed to finally see what we all have been seeing the whole time. That she’s an awesome beautiful girl and a great friend. There’s nothing ordinary about Charlie. She needed to do it when she was ready. But she holds her head up more and smiles all of the time now. Maverick’s usually making her laugh or it’s my smart ass mouth.

The very first time I met my friend, she was just a shell of the person, she is now. She looked broken and beaten and I knew I needed to be her friend. Sometimes you can just sense that someone needs you and she was it for me. But what she doesn’t realize, is that I needed her just as much.

Her parents still don't speak to her and in a small way I think it bothers her. She’s still living with us and is a part of my family. We even irritate each other, like sisters often do.

And then there’s Will, who refuses to find a girl no matter how many times I have told him to. It's a little awkward when it's the four of us. In fact, I tend to be the ‘mouthy’ red head he so often likes to refer to me. And yeah, I can also be a complete bitch at times. I think Charlie and Maverick expect me and Will to finally get over it and get together, but it's not that easy. It will never be that easy. Will is a great guy, but we went down this road before and we can't do it again. Sure he’s hot as hell with his blond streaked hair and green eyes, tall with a muscular swimmers frame. I’m attracted to him, you would be crazy not to be. I won't deny that there aren't sparks, because there are, but some things can never be.

You see, as much as I act all together, I have my own insecurities and there are things I just can’t talk about. We all have our own secrets and I have mine and it’s a doozy and I feel so very ashamed.

After everything Charlie went through, and getting her to talk about her parents, here I sit on this beautiful spring break day, with a huge secret I refuse to share.

Aren’t I a hypocrite? I really don't mean to be, but I have to figure things out on my own. Even if it means being alone.

A Note from the Author:

Verbal abuse is something that is rarely discussed, but is very real. It happens everyday. It’s just as horrific as physical abuse, the only difference is you don’t see the outside scars. The scars are internal and is something that never goes away. Most of us have been a victim of verbal abuse. I myself have. I wrote this story with having some experience of it under my belt. Not to the degree of Charlie, thank goodness.

At one time or another we have all questioned our self worth. Most of us still do. I know I do. I may be have written a Young Adult book, but I hope that young and adult alike can take something from this story.

If even one person walks away with the feeling of hope and that they are not alone and can take something away from it, then I will have done what I have set out to do. I can walk away happy and proud.

For more information on verbal abuse you can visit:

www.verbalabuse.com

www.freefromverbalabuse.net

Acknowledgments

There are so many people to thank. The list is endless. First and foremost to my family who went endlessly without a hot meal and a clean house. I’m honestly not joking about the hot meals and clean house. Thank you for your patience, understanding and support! And I swear we will get back into a routine! I love you all to the moon and back.

To the very first person that read my first 7 chapters and told me, “You cannot teach story telling. You either have it or you don't and girl you've got it. Mechanics can be fixed easily.” So my first shout out goes to Lila Felix. You were my very first mentor and cheerleader and then became my confidant. There are not enough words to tell you how much your friendship has meant to me. I love you tremendously. I would not be here without you. You pushed my butt like nobody's business and said, “Yes you can,” especially when I said, “No, I can't.” I am forever in your debt.

Jenn Nunez, my fantastic editor and friend. You are da bomb! I have the up most respect for you. You warned me of the “red” and it didn't scare me like you thought it might. I love you more than you will ever no. Thank you for ALL that you have done for me. Professionally and personally. You have talked me down from the ledge countless times. I love your guts you booger!

Robin Harper, who not only is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world but also my cover designer and owner of Wicked By Design. I cannot ever imagine not ever having you in my life. You as well were my cheerleader through just about the whole process and pushed my butt onward. I love your face off!

Heather Halloran, I was terrified to have you read my story. I don't know why now. You got it, much like you get me. There was no need for explaining. You just “got” it. Thank you for your endless faith in me and I love you to pieces!!

Krista Ashe, my partner in crime and tat buddy. I love you to bits. Thank you for our every two week dinners. You have no idea how much I look forward to them. You insisted numerous times to help me with LN and I always turned you down, because I didn’t want to mix personal and professional. I’m glad you finally said, “Send it to me,” in that voice that you do! LOL!! You took the time to go through it when you were busy as hell and I will always be appreciative of you. You are an awesome friend and soul sister.

Jenn Foor, you came into my life at a time that I so desperately needed you. You said, “Write it girl and I will pimp the shit out of you.” You didn't have to say that, you just were my friend. For better or for worse. I will always be grateful to you and I love your face off.

Nichole Chase, you took a whole day to talk to me and help me with a teaser. This may seem like a little thing, indeed it was not. You also told me that I could write and had faith in my ability. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. That teaser meant a lot.

Michelle Leighton, you are so special to me. You take the time to talk to me when I need you and ALWAYS say the right things. How you know what to say, I will never know. Thank you for always taking the time. You are such a great listener and so damn wise!

Julie Prestsater, you took time out of your busy schedule to give it a look and an opinion. You even compared it to Judy Blume’s book, Forever. HUGE compliment. Love you!

Heather Allen, I swear we are so much alike it’s kind of scary, but in a good way. I’m grateful for this new friendship and can’t wait to meet you in person. Thank you for spending a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon going over my tenses. You are the Jedi master of tenses!