Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 (17 page)

As I make my way to the kitchen, I hear voices, but can’t make out what anyone is saying. The sounds seem muffled. I’m in a daze. My body wants to shut down, but has instead gone on autopilot. It’s not prepared to handle the pain that’s about to come. When I walk into the kitchen, everyone quiets. All eyes are on me and I break out in a cold sweat. I glance around, looking for the kids.

“They’re all in the playroom with Kelly and Becky,” Holly says. I nod and take a seat at the table. Everyone is still watching me, waiting to see what’s going on. Where do I begin? Saying it all out loud will make it real. I wish I had a little more time. Who am I kidding? No matter how much time I have with Taryn, it will never be enough. Closing my eyes, I run my hands through my hair.

“Taryn says it’s time,” I say as steady as possible. I hold in my emotions well until I see the broken and distraught faces around me. Amber’s face is buried in Kyle’s chest, her body shaking. Holly has tears streaming down her face. Paul takes her in his arms, trying to comfort her. Chelsie just sits, shaking her head with wide eyes while Angel paces the floor. My throat tightens as tears threaten to fall, but I push them back. “We need to talk to Chase, then you all can go in to say your goodbyes. She wants to see you all,” I tell them, my voice calm and unwavering.

Angel walks over to me and places his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, man? Do you need anything?” he questions. I need my wife to be okay. I need not to have to tell my son his mother is about to die. These are not things anyone can give me. I shake my head no as I slowly stand and go to the playroom. I can’t put this off any longer.

The room is filled with laughter and noisy toys that filter all the way out into the hallway. When I get to the doorway, I expect to see Chase having a blast with the other kids, but he’s not. He’s in the back of the room sitting on the bench, a pained look on his face as he stares out the window. My gut clenches. When he turns around and sees me, I get the feeling he knows what’s coming. Somehow, he senses it. My resolve begins to waiver. The sadness in his eyes is so evident, it breaks my heart. Taking a deep breath, I steel myself.

“Hey, pal. Mommy wants to talk to you,” I say in the cheeriest voice I can muster. His face falls even more. He looks up at me as he gets up from his seat, his bottom lip trembling.

“Is...she going to die today?” he asks with tear-filled eyes. What the hell do I say to that? I need to prepare him a little bit before going in there.

“I think so, pal.” I pick him up and his little arms immediately go around my neck. I swallow hard. “Do you want to talk about it before we go in to see her?”

“I don’t know, Daddy. I’m really scared.”

“I know you are. I am, too,” I tell him, hoping maybe if he knows I feel the same it will ease his anxiety. Suppressing his feelings will make this more difficult for him in the long run. “Let’s go see Mommy, okay?” He nods his head before burying it in my neck. His little body trembles against me. I hate that he has to go through this. I know death is part of life, but it shouldn’t be this way. Taryn and I were supposed to grow old together. Chase is too young to be without his mother. He should be much older so he can deal with this better.

We get to the bedroom door and Chase’s body tenses. He gazes up at me with wide, scared eyes. “What do I say?”

“You can say whatever you want,” I tell him. We walk through the door and close it behind us. Taryn’s eyes slowly open when she hears the click. She smiles weakly and pats the empty space beside her on the bed. I set Chase down and he goes straight into his mother’s open arms. She holds him tight as they both break into heartbreaking sobs. My own walls crumble as I let the tears I’ve been holding in go.

“I love you so much, buddy,” Taryn whispers as she kisses the top of Chase’s head. He pulls back so he can see her face.

“I love you too, Mommy. I don’t want you to go,” Chase cries.

“I know. I don’t want to go either, but...” she points to his heart, “I’ll always be here. And in here,” she says, pointing to his head. “I will always be with you.” Taryn looks at me as she speaks, making sure I know what she’s saying applies to me as well.

“What happens if I start to forget you?” Chase asks hesitantly. Reaching over to the bedside table, Taryn picks up a photo album, sets it between them, and opens it up.

“I made this just for you. It’s filled with pictures of all of us together. Anytime you miss me or think you might be forgetting, just look at all the pictures and happy memories we’ve had. And if this doesn’t work, you can always ask Daddy or any of your aunts and uncles to tell you stories about me.” Her voice cracks with emotion. As hard as this is for Chase and me, it has to be that much harder on her.

We spend the next hour looking through the album and sharing our favorite memories with each other. My heart is breaking and happy at the same time. Even though our time together has been so short, we’ve lived a happy life. I’ve been so blessed in the few short years I’ve had Chase and Taryn, how do I let all of this go and survive?

E
veryone has had a chance to spend time with Taryn individually and say what they needed to say. Now, we are all gathered together telling stories. None of us want to leave her side. The fear that if we do we may never see her again is overwhelming. If you were to stand outside this room and listen, you’d think it was just a group of friends reminiscing and having a good time. It wouldn’t be until you saw everyone’s eyes that you realized nobody is happy or having a good time. The sadness in this room is unbearable.

The nurse comes in so she can check on Taryn and the gang clears a space for her to work. She starts off with taking her blood pressure, then listens to her heart and lungs. I watch closely, trying to read the nurse’s expression, hoping to get an idea of how things are. Her face never gives anything away. Catching my eye, she motions for me to follow her into the hall and my stomach drops. This can’t be good. I exchange a glance with Angel, concern written all over his face.

Slowly, I follow the nurse into the hallway. Doris came to us through hospice. She’s a plump woman in her early to mid-fifties with graying hair that’s always in a ponytail. I bet she was a head turner when she was younger. Godsend is the word I’d use to describe her. She’s been patient with all the people who are in and out of here on a constant basis, always answering any questions and finding the answer if she doesn’t know it off the top of her head.

“Mr. Winters, Taryn doesn’t have much time left. I think it would be easier on her if there weren’t so many people in the room,” she says, her voice soft. My throat tightens and my head spins. I lean up against the wall to stop myself from falling. This isn’t happening. Not this soon. I bend down, placing my hands on my knees, and squeeze my eyes closed, trying to catch my breath. From the corner of my eye, I see movement. A minute later, I feel a hand on my arm. Opening my eyes, I see Doris in front of me holding out a glass of water.

“I know this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. The most important thing is to make this as easy on her as possible. You’ll need to be strong and tell her whenever she’s ready, it’s okay for her to go. If she thinks you’re not okay, she’ll hang on and that will put her through unnecessary pain,” Doris explains, her voice firm. Unable to speak, I nod. There’s nothing really to say. I know this is something I have to do—the last thing I can give my girl. After taking a drink of the water, I hand the glass back to Doris. She gives me a sad smile before leaving me. I take a minute to gather myself before I have to go make everyone leave her for the last time.

Angel, Chase, and I are the only ones left with Taryn. The rest of them left reluctantly. It’s now time for Chase and Angel to go, too. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get Chase out of the room. He hasn’t left her side in hours. The nurse had to give her something earlier for pain and she’s been sleeping for the last hour, but it didn’t keep him away. He’s been laying here watching her and stroking her hair. The whole scene is tearing me apart. I lie down next to Chase.

“It’s time to say goodbye to Mommy,” I tell him as I kiss his head. His body begins to shake with the force of his sobs. Clinging to Taryn, he shakes his head.

“No. Mommy, please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go,” he begs. His voice is so tortured, it shatters my heart further. Clinging to Taryn’s side, Chase continues to beg his mother to stay. I glance at Angel, pleading with my eyes for help. Chase’s cries are paralyzing me. What do I do? I don’t know how to help him—how to ease the agonizing pain he’s in. I wish I could take his pain away and add it to my own. I’d give anything for that ability right now.

The bed dips as Angel reaches over me and takes Chase in his arms. This scene is killing him, too. He doesn’t try to hide the tears streaming down his face. Reaching over, I remove Chase’s hands from Taryn as Angel lifts him from the bed. Chase tries to squirm from Angel’s grip. When Angel holds him tighter, Chase begins to punch and kick at him, his sobs turning into furious screams.

“Let me go! I want my mommy!” he shouts, but Angel doesn’t falter. He heads for the door.

“I’ve got him, man. Don’t worry. He’ll be okay,” Angel assures. He glances over at Taryn with a pained expression before walking from the room. Knowing Angel will take care of him, I try to push it out of my mind for now. There’s plenty of time to take care of Chase. Taryn needs me more right now. Time with her is quickly running out. I ease my way closer to her on the bed. Gently, I pull her into my arms, resting her head on my chest. I kiss the tip of her nose and her eyes begin to flutter open. A small, weak smile crosses her beautiful face and my heart twists in my chest. I can’t stop the tears from falling. With a shaky hand, Taryn reaches up and wipes them away.

“I love you so fucking much, sweetness. Being with you has made me the happiest man in the world,” I tell her, my voice strangled with emotion. Tears begin streaming down her cheeks.

“I love you too, baby. I’m so sorry I have to leave you.” I start to give her shit for apologizing, but she gives me that glare of hers that tells me to
shut the fuck up
, so I do. “You need to promise me you won’t grieve forever. I want you and Chase to move on, to be happy, to live the life we’d live if I were still here. Please don’t disappoint me. I’ll be watching you,” she says between sobs. I can’t think about moving on and being happy without her, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to deny her anything right now.

“I promise to do the best I can.” She nods, knowing it’s all I can give. “What do you need me to do for you right now?” She takes a deep breath. Her eyes are pained.

“Hold me. I want to leave this world happily wrapped in your arms. It’s always been my favorite place to be,” she whispers.