Love In The Time Of Apps (25 page)

The Obrah/Vinfrey Show

A
t the beginning of the millennium, two extraordinarily beautiful and savvy twins, known only as Obrah and Vinfrey, were the most highly paid escorts in Russia. The ladies’ success was due in part to the decision early in their careers to cater only to a niche clientele. They limited their services to English and American big wigs, assorted English speaking politicos, movie stars, and in a few judicious cases, starlets, who happened to be passing through Moscow. To accommodate their clientele, Obrah and Vinfrey, of necessity, began to learn and to speak English. After a decade or so, however, or measured in prostitute years, the time it takes for ten thousand acts of fellatio, they decided to end their tenure as escorts. By the time they retired, got off their backs so to speak, their English had become impeccable. Obrah, for example, could now say without the hint of an accent to a Member of Parliament who had a My Fair Lady fetish, “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.” So enchanted was he with her Eliza Doolittle recitation that as he reached his climax he would often scream in reply, “By George, she’s got it! By George, she’s got it!”

Still in their early 30s, extremely attractive, and unbelievably knowledgeable and creative in the ways of making love, (they were, in fact, the true inventors of the comma position) they produced a late night cable show on Russian television where they doled out advice on many adult topics. It soon became apparent to the growing number of viewers that the wisdom of these women extended far beyond matters of the libido. Years of encounters with their ritzy, powerful and
always well-educated clients, who often talked openly about their lives and jobs, provided an excellent and unique education for Obrah and Vinfrey. Ultimately, they came to know, as they said, “a lot about a lot.” Within a few years, their show jumped from cable to mainstream Russian television.

Once this happened, it did not take very long for television executives in the States to take notice, though no formal offers were forthcoming from the networks. It was the coalescence of Oprah leaving ABC years earlier and their high-minded book, “Sexual Zeitgeist,” for which they won the prestigious Hooker Prize in literature, which caused them to be invited to host the replacement show for the iconic Oprah Winfrey. To be sure, others had tried to replace Oprah, but none had ever succeeded at a level that pleased the executives of ABC.

Believing that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery and possibly a great way to secure high ratings, the ladies, now no longer ladies of the night, but ladies of the mid-day, formatted their show to mirror Oprah’s original show and advertised their show as the “new Obrah\/Vinfrey show.” This pleased the network, but not Oprah, even though she no longer had her program on ABC. Oprah brought a trademark infringement suit to bar the twins from using the confusingly similar name, but lost. While Oprah’s appeal was pending, an attorney writing for the prestigious
Trademark Reporter
wondered why no one had given weight to the fact that the Russian born Judge on the case was named Vinfrey Vinfrey. The author suggested that when Ms. Vinfrey addressed the Judge as “Uncle” it was not due to a misunderstanding of the English language.

The Obrah/Vinfrey show quickly became one of the most popular talk shows on television. All who saw it agreed that it was a perfect venue for the first formal and extended interview of Two Sheilas. So great was the interest in the show that for the first time in the history of television all the other competing talk shows in the same time slot went off the air opting instead to use a photograph of the Two Sheilas and a sign that instructed, “Go to ABC.”

Goodwin took a deep breath and with Mr. Remotee in his trembling hand, turned on his set. The first image that he and millions of other viewers saw was the show’s live audience. Each member sported a large lapel pin bearing an unflattering photograph of Goodwin set below a universal negative sign imposed over it. Similar looking large posters were placed on stage. Goodwin was now the subject of the first organized anti-fan club in the country.

Obrah and Vinfrey walked to the center of the stage and said in unison, “Ladies and gentlemen, The Sheila.” After a standing ovation worthy of a rock star or a national hero, the Two Sheilas walked hand in hand onto the stage, hugged, and kissed the hostesses. One of the Sheilas said, “How nice to see you
again
,” even though they never met before.

Each of the Sheilas wore elegant but slightly different outfits, supplied free by Donna Karen, for the plug and brand new Manolos. Goodwin understood immediately why they had remained incommunicado for two weeks. They had decided to get the Host-Pital’s “Platinum” reconstructive-face and body-surgery package. The advertising brochure promoting the package said that those who took it would be “Hollywoodized,” heretofore a word that was not in any dictionary.

“You both look so wonderful,” Vinfrey cooed. “Did you have any work done? I hope you don’t mind me asking.”

“We don’t mind at all. As a first step, we ingested a great deal of soup. This was followed by:

Botox

Breast Augmentation

Breast Lift

Brow lift

Brazilian Butt Lift

Camouflage Cosmetics

Chemical Peel

Chin Surgery

Dermabrasion

Ear Surgery

Endoscopic Plastic Surgery

Eyelids

Face Lift

Facial Implants

Hair Replacement

Injectable Fillers

Laser Skin Resurfacing

Liposuction

Microdermabrasion

Nose Surgery

Permanent Eyeliner

Skin Management

Spider Vein Treatment

Tumescent Technique

Tummy Tuck

Upper Arm Lift

Da Vinci Veneers, the special super celebrity versions with the actual code imprinted upon them, plus hair coloring, styling and make-up. And when we completed all of these steps we had handfuls of cashews. In other words we had the soup to nuts treatment.” Even though it was an awful joke, Obrah and Vinfrey and the audience, prompted by a laugh sign, laughed hysterically.

As much as Goodwin detested the Two Sheilas, he could not deny they really looked substantially better than they ever looked before. They now had that certain “movie star” look. They were in fact “Hollywoodized.”

“Well, you both look amazing.” Vinfrey said.

“Thank you Vinfrey. But before we talk about
that man
, (copious booing erupted even though Goodwin was not identified) we just want to thank all of our very good friends in the Hollywood community for their good wishes.”

Hearing this, Goodwin coughed up the tea he had been drinking. The closest Sheila had come to a Hollywood community person was at a petting zoo in Los Angeles when she petted a dog alleged to be the original Lassie, though she later learned it was only a stand in. The
original Lassie was actually in Cannes attending the K9 Film Festival to promote her new film, which was ultimately awarded the prestigious “Palme de Paw.”

“Well, we are more than delighted to have you on our show. I suppose our first question should be are you happy?”

Sheila Right spoke: “We’re happier than we’ve ever been, that is pre-split. We can do all the things we were hesitant to do alone. Philip was the least romantic, least adventuresome person on Earth. His idea of a big trip was going to Manhattan. Even then, he would limit his travel to the Upper East Side because it was closer to Long Island than other neighborhoods in Manhattan. Now, we each have someone to do things with, ourselves. And, we have much more in common than we ever did with Philip. Oh, and by the way, we made a documentary about our surgery that will be coming out on HBO early next year.”

“But more than that,” Sheila Left continued, “we help each other remember things from our past. The other day, for example, we were talking about the Original Sheila’s fourth birthday party. I tried to remember what my mother was wearing or should I say what our mother was wearing. I’d say yellow and Sheila would say white and lavender and together we would probe our memories and reconstruct the entire event. So, we learned that two memories are better than one, even if the memories are identical and even though, and this is important, we regard ourselves as one person. We seem to have this wonderful synergy.”

Without much prompting, each of the Sheilas began to describe the history of the Original Sheila’s relationship with Goodwin and how she “desperately tried to save a dying and unhappy marriage” and begged “her frigid husband to go for help” so that the she could have a child. Holding up a copy of the
New England Journal of Medicine,
one Sheila revealed: “Science has now confirmed that one of the major causes of Hypo-Humoresque in women is the failure to ever become pregnant.” Goodwin knew and the editors of the Journal knew and Obrah and Vinfrey knew that Sheila’s statement was a complete fabrication.

“Oh my God,” Obrah stammered. This means that Philip by avoiding impregnating the Original Sheila caused her Hypo-Humoresque condition.”

“Absolutely,” the Two Sheilas said in unison.

“Not only that,” one of the Sheilas said, “a thorough investigation sponsored in part by A Current Affair, revealed that while the Original Sheila was beyond REM, Philip stole most of her money.” Copious booing erupted from the audience at this point. It was ironic; Goodwin thought bitterly, that Obrah and Vinfrey were from Russia. More than likely they were Stalinists because, just like his regime, they were engaging in quintessential revisionist history.

With each of the Sheilas telling part of their story in tandem, the television audience heard how the Original Sheila had to bear up under a daily barrage of Goodwin’s constant jokes, which he knew she would not understand, and how he used humor as weapons to control and depress her. “But here is something we just learned through our subscription to Pragat Corporation’s customized newsletter about people you want to know about, not many hours after the Original Sheila left Philip, he was looking to get revenge. According to his Pragat Dossier, which we get updated electronically every 24 hours, Philip searched “Revenge, Best Revenge and if you can believe it F-ing Well Is The Best Revenge. Is that depraved or what? Everyone watching except Goodwin murmured “yes.”

“This is too much!” an angry Vinfrey interjected. “His despicable actions are no different than if you were blind and he pulled away your chair as you were sitting down.”

“He did that, too,” one of the Sheilas responded. “To the outside world, Philip seemed to be a very nice man. In reality he was quite abusive.”

“You mean,” a shocked Obrah said, “he abused you physically?”

“Not physical abuse,” they responded in unison, “unless you include his love making technique, but something just as bad. He engaged in devotional abuse, a subtle and heinous form of spousal abuse, one involving the failure to really appreciate the Original Sheila. You women in the audience know what we mean.” The television camera panned the audience to reveal audience members, both women and men, shaking their heads in agreement, even though they didn’t have a clue.

“And there were all sorts of those abuses,” one of the Sheilas continued. “There were so many that we can’t catalog them all right now, but we may list them in our biography which is due out at Christmas and an official selection, we are proud to say, of the Obrah/Vinfrey book club. One of the worst abuses was his refusing to split appetizers at restaurants, making the Original Sheila eat an entire appetizer.” This evoked spontaneous shouting of “monster” from some of the thinner women in the audience.

“Personally,” the other Sheila said, “the one that I found the most annoying was forcing the Original Sheila to count all of her golf strokes. We continue to have a recurring nightmare about being required to count all of our shots on the golf course. In fact, when we went to play golf very early this morning, we started to hyperventilate at the idea of keeping an accurate score. Fortunately, the golf therapist at our club suggested that we fill out our scorecards before we play. That calmed us down, and we really did well.”

Within two weeks of the airing of the show, Hallmark launched a new line of preprinted golf scorecards, with scores of par and below for $3, scores in the 70s for $2, and scores in the 80s for $1. For golfers with scores in the hundreds, Hallmark had a line of sympathy cards.

“Like physical or verbal abuse, Philip’s devotional abuse took its toll on the Original Sheila and its effects still haunt us today. Now, we want to channel the anger we still feel in a useful way” one Sheila said, “and to protect women everywhere from men like Philip. People should know that devotional abuse is the largest form of spousal abuse that goes unreported, particularly amongst the upper middle class.” A shot of the audience revealed that they fully agreed. Goodwin had just become the “poster boy” for devotional abuse a made-for-television concept. Not one member of the audience really understood this concept, but it sounded good and it was just another handy reason for disliking Goodwin.

Vinfrey addressed the Two Sheilas. “Before we go on, I want you to say hello to someone very, very special.” A diminutive woman of indeterminate age, but quite old, very tan, with blue grey hair and skin having a texture of an old baseball glove walked from the rear of the stage.

“It’s Philip Goodwin’s Great Aunt Hilly,” Obrah announced.

“She’s not my Aunt. I never met her in my life. She’s a fiction created by the media.” Goodwin screamed at his set, but no one seemed to hear him.

With wild applause in the background, Aunt Hilly, who had gained celebrity in her own right by becoming the official scribe in Pragat’s comments on Goodwin, walked onto the stage and waved to the audience. The Two Sheilas greeted Hilly as if they knew her. They hugged and Sheila Right said: “Hill!” (the short form to conjure familiarity, Goodwin thought) it has been too long. It’s so nice to see you again. And we heard that you’ve been quite busy.”

In a raspy voice, Hilly replied, “Yes. I now have my own spot on Fox, ‘Hilly’s House.” It’s a reality television show that takes place in an assisted living facility. Goodwin knew, the Two Sheilas knew and certainly, Great Aunt Hilly knew that she was a fraud. No one else was privy to this knowledge, however. Sitting on a couch between each of the Sheilas, Hilly regaled the audience with stories about Goodwin as a child, none humorous or complementary.