Love In The Time Of Apps (12 page)

“Can I call you Phil, Philip? Great! I see you are looking at my creds. You probably see that I am a 24.”

Goodwin didn’t know why he answered the way he did, but it just seemed at the time to be the right thing to say, “I’m a 28.”

“Yes, I know. Actually you’re a 27.5. We checked you out in advance, very impressive. We’re so happy you live in Grace Harbor.”

“You always check out PPRs when you go to someone’s house?”

“Absolutely. I mean, suppose you were rated, say, a 9. We’d have to come with our tasers set to stun. You never know.”

“And if I were say a 4?”

“Set to kill, I guess.” Goodwin apparently looked like he was hit while the taser was in stun mode. “I know it’s kind of strange, but the PPRs have changed everything. We actually had to let a bunch of the people go because their ratings fell below 17. The chief told us that next year everyone on the force must have a PPR of 20 or over and an ideal body mass index. The national law enforcement PPR study is coming out at the end of the year and he insists we rank in the top 10 percent.”

“Anyway, Phil, I’m not here to talk about PPRs. I’d like to explain our job just to give you some context here. Context is so important nowadays. Don’t you agree? Okay, Phil? Love your place.” Noticing Goodwin’s Super RX Digital Remote Control, Durksen observed without waiting for Goodwin’s response, “I see you have the Super RX Digital Remote. Great product I just got the RX2.”

“What? I just bought this last week. It was supposed to be state of the art.”

“Well, last week it was state of the art.”

Goodwin wanted to ask Durksen what he wanted, but Durksen was clearly an Olympic gold medalist in speed talking. “Well, Phil, people don’t realize just how multi-faceted our job is and how we deal with everything from crime prevention to crowd control. As you probably know Phil, we also are trained to handle medical emergencies of all types. Well, this morning, I was in Vogue arresting a woman for shoplifting last year’s clothing. Can you imagine? Stealing last year’s clothing! I told the woman to plead insanity and explained that she might be released from prison early if she agreed to stay at a halfway house of fashion or at least do volunteer work at Saks Fifth Avenue. Then I asked her for her PPR and she responded that she was a 10. ‘Well,’ I said to myself, ‘that explains everything.’ At that point I put on my Burberry latex gloves; didn’t want to actually touch a 10. A bunch of us on the force are pushing for legislation which says anyone with a PPR of 10 or under is presumed guilty until proved innocent, but that
damn ACLU is kicking up such a fuss. Well, Phil,” Durksen continued, “just as I was reading the shoplifter her fashion rights”

“Fashion rights?” Goodwin managed to interject edgewise, not having the foggiest idea of why Durksen was babbling on in his living room.

“Yes, you know. You have the right to remain sleeveless. You have the right to a fashion adviser and if you don’t have one on an annual retainer and therefore should be ashamed of yourself, one will be appointed for you. And, every fashion faux pas, for example wearing pantyhose with sandals, wearing a dress that is two sizes to small, wearing a fur hat, wearing Birkenstocks under all circumstances unless you are wearing them in Birkenstock, Germany, as is required by their local law, will be held against you. If you don’t know all fashion faux pas for this area, lists are posted at our public library, post office and the Grace Harbor Fashion Museum.”

“By the way, Phil, you should really get over to the museum. Anyone with a PPR of 25 or over is admitted free. They are having a retrospective on Project Runway and very cleverly are using two talking heads of Heidi Klum. At the entrance one head says “One day you’re in,” and at the exit one head says “And one day you’re out.” Finally, under Fashion Ordinance number 725, serious fashion faux pas are subject to appropriate fines and unfashionable recidivists are subject to house arrest and mandatory fashion reprogramming.”

Goodwin wanted to ask about fashion reprogramming, but didn’t have the chance.

“Anyway Phil, just as I was about to put the Paloma Picasso bracelets on her, something really exciting happened. An enormous bolt of lightning struck a woman in the store. It could have been one of the biggest bolts of the century, maybe of the millennium. Not surprisingly, everyone goes crazy and the shoppers start running for their lives. But, let’s get back to the woman in question. Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know that we saved her life. Isn’t that great, Phil?”

“Yes,” Goodwin responded thinking that perhaps Durksen might be insane. “Do you want me to make a donation?”

“That would be fabulous, Phil. Could you see your way towards giving the department $100?”

“I guess.”

“Thanks, Phil, we really appreciate it. Your donation will help us augment our rather meager clothing budget. You just don’t know how tough things are for the force since our budget cuts. We were supposed to get Armani police blazers and now there are these horrible rumors that the force will be issuing generic blazers imported from North Korea. You know, the ones with fabric that shines and with one shoulder is generally higher than the other. If that happens, many of us will go on strike. Next, they’ll probably cut our subscriptions to GQ. Oh, one more thing lest I forget. The woman in question was your wife, Sheila. But, I’ve got great news for you, really great news. Your wife is still alive. Just call Dr. Kildare at 516-705-2525.”

Goodwin, incredulous, started to laugh. “The hospital actually has a Doctor Kildare, like from the old television series?”

“Absolutely; actually there are three Doctor Kildares, two Adison Greys, from Grey’s Anatomy, four Doctor Phils and three Doctor Oz.’ Goodwin’s irrepressible humor kicked in and without thinking he asked, “Are they wizards?”

Durksen apparently didn’t get it and answered as if it were a serious question. “Only one and he’s in alternative medicine. The Host-Pital even has a Dr. Zhivago primarily for its Russian clientele. Apparently patients respond better to doctors with famous names. So give Dr. Kildare, his full name is Richard Chamberlain Kildare, a call. He’s the head of electrostatic medicine at the Marriott Host…Pital. Amazing how everything is a specialty nowadays.”

Goodwin was pretty sure he heard the words correctly, the word “host” then a mini pause and then the word “pital.” Nevertheless, his mind merged the words. “You mean Marriott Hospital, right?

“No, no. Its
host,
like the movie,
The Host
. You know that Korean thriller about a monster that emerges from the sea. Surely you’ve seen it.” Without bothering to wait for a response, he continued, “and Pital, like Manohar Pitale, but with a silent
e
, from the 1981 movie
Gandhi.
I assume you remember him. I thought his small but incisive role as Shukla was brilliant. Didn’t you? No, in fact Marriott’s Host-Pital is the largest Meditainment facility on Long Island. We also call it a
“Meditainment Center,” because it combines medicine, hence “medi,” with entertainment, hence “tainment.”

“Is this a joke?”

“Afraid not, Phil. We’re not up to joking yet. That training comes next year along with our touchy-feely seminar. In any event Phil, we checked your wife’s driver’s license and it says Sheila Goodwin, 1512 Harbor View Road, Grace Harbor. So, I suppose the woman is your wife. Call the good doctor. Got to run, but best of luck to you and remember that check. By the way, if you wait until tomorrow the RX3 is coming out.” With that last comment, Durksen made his exit.

When Goodwin fully realized what had happened to Sheila, that she was actually struck by lightning, a chill came over him. He raised his hand to cover his mouth, but not before whispering, “My email to Sheila; the “I hope you get struck by lightning” email. If that ever gets out, my name won’t be mud, it will be shit.”

Goodwin knew that he was going to have to act defensively, to thwart an avalanche of criticism that would flow from the publication of his email, assuming it was published. He was now trapped into playing the role of the concerned husband, even though Sheila had jilted him, and forced to stay by her bedside at a place called a “Host-Pital.” At least in that role, Goodwin reasoned, he had a chance of explaining away his electronic message to Sheila. As he began to phone the doctor, Goodwin had one final thought, “Of all of the wishes I’ve ever made, why the Hell did that one have to come true?”

Sheila’s Avatar

W
ere it not for the surging and impossible to manage health care costs prevailing in the country, Meditainment Centers would never have existed. So fearful were the politicians that these ever surging expenses would bankrupt the country or even worse, cost them their jobs, that they put their political differences aside and worked together at cost containment. As a first step, a widespread and highly effective campaign was launched to have citizens become proactive when it came to their health. There was so much political unanimity on this endeavor that even the Tea Party backed it. In fact, the Tea Party took it one step further and developed a program of encouraging the drinking of tea instead of sugar ladened soft drinks. “Have a Tea Party,” was considered by all to be a brilliant piece of political marketing. This program was followed by a national preventative medicine program sponsored by federal and state governments. The results of this program were astounding. For every dollar invested in preventive medicine, there was a $20 savings in medical costs. The only question John and Jane Q Public had was, “Why didn’t they think of this before?”

While these steps decimated the fast food industry, big tobacco, and many soft-drink companies, they actually had the desired effect. Over time, far fewer people were getting sick. Occupancy rates and profits of hospitals plummeted with many coming dangerously close to bankruptcy. Seeing an opportunity for synergies between the health
care and the hospitality industries and aware of rock bottom prices for hospital facilities, Marriott and other hotel chains began to purchase hospitals throughout the country and convert them into Meditainment Centers. Between people that were ill and travelers in need of a room, Marriott’s centers and the centers run by its competitors soon had a 100 percent occupancy rate.

The voice Goodwin heard when he called the Host-Pital was recorded: “Hello, this is Patricia, the Meditainment Center’s electronic facilitator. Thank you for calling Marriott’s Host-Pital. Si usted desea continuar en español, por favor, pulse uno. If you are calling to make a non-medical, reservations press two. If you wish to make a medical reservation, press three. If you want a special combination vacation and medical package, for example if you wish to have an operation on your tennis elbow followed by our four day tennis clinic, press four. Please note that you may now make reservations for most surgical procedures through www.opensurgicaltable.com.

Goodwin had heard about this remarkable service, which was a line extension of the successful
OpenTable.com
. Following the same basic format as OpenTable’s restaurant reservation system, potential patients could choose a particular hospital or other medical facility and reserve surgical rooms, operations, doctors and even the type of room they wanted to be in after the surgery. Like
OpenTable.com
, patients were awarded points redeemable for various types of procedures and treatments.

Goodwin was shocked by Patricia’s next comment, “Please note that we are not accepting patients with ratings of 10 or below. If you are an 11 or above, please press zero.

When he did this, Patricia advised that “All human operators are tied up. “By electronic operators in revolt?” Goodwin asked himself. “The next electronic operator that is free” Patricia continued, “will be pleased to assist you. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance.”

Goodwin had always wondered when he heard messages about quality assurance monitoring if any calls were ever really monitored for quality assurance and, if so, who would be responsible for the actual
monitoring. Would this be a person who listened in and graded the phone call? Would the person have a quality checklist: tone of voice, modulation, clarity, and accuracy? And what would be the criteria for evaluating quality of a voice on a phone sex line? Sensuousness? Sexiness of voice? Panting ability?

The message interrupted his speculation: “While you wait you can listen to the same music our surgeons listen to when they operate,
and in real time.
For your listening pleasure, we are pleased to offer four different channel selections. You are also invited to try our premium service for a slight charge to your credit card. This fee is waived if you sign up for our hospital room time-share presentation. Through our premium service, you can listen to our Great Moments In Operations, starting with Sean O’Hara’s hip replacement. Alternatively, you can enter one of our medical chat rooms and talk about your symptoms.”

Goodwin was about to opt for O’Hara, but before he could do so heard: “Hello, Patricia here again. If your call relates to a medical guest, say medical guest, followed by our guest’s first name and last name. Through computerized verbal voice recognition I will be happy (her voiced seemed to brighten ever so slightly when she said “happy”) to process your call.” Goodwin was now heeding the commands of a digital voice named “Patricia.” He speculated as to how Patricia, the electronic operator, could be made really “happy.” Perhaps moving to a fast forward mode turned her on. If “she” were really excited, what would Patricia say? “Ooh, I really like a guy with a big digital?” Following Patricia’s instructions, Goodwin spoke into the phone: “Medical guest, Sheila Goodwin.”

There was a slight pause followed by another message in a pleasant voice, one virtually identical to Sheila’s voice, “Hello, this is Sheila Goodwin’s Host-Pital avatar” Just as Goodwin was thinking “A what?” the voice continued: “For those of you unfamiliar with hospital avatars go to www.host-pitalavitar/sheilagoodwin.com to see the latest innovation in Meditainment technology. My human counterpart, Sheila, is unavailable to come to the phone right now because she’s beyond REM.”