Love Her Madly (11 page)

I heard Cyn's alarm go off for her early class. It was a science class, and in my half sleep, I remembered that Raj was in it, too. I felt a stab of jealousy before sleep pulled me away. When I awoke, I was alone. I sat up on my bed and looked out at the palm trees. I had awoken to a unique, new reality; I was in possession, for the first time, of half a boyfriend. Or rights to a boyfriend, half the time. I groaned.

Everything that had made sense the night before was now a huge puzzle. I understood how we could perhaps alternate sleepovers at the Hubble, which would be weird, but doable. Having him sleep over at our place in one of our beds seemed a far less attractive prospect. And how would we handle the whole physical contact thing when it was just the three of us alone together, like on any typical movie night? How would we not slip up in front of our friends?

These were the things we sat down to discuss that night after dinner. We locked the door and set up camp with our coffees in the middle of our room.

“Okay, let's talk guidelines,” Cyn said, calling our meeting to order. “Glo has some suggestions she would like to share. Please proceed, Ms. Roebuck.”

“Thank you, Ms. Williams,” I said with great formality. Raj rolled his eyes. He was also rolling a joint. “I have a few proposals. First off, when the three of us are together, I propose that we keep physical contact limited to our pre-sharing conditions. So flirtation is fine, but groping, kissing, fondling, and so on: not cool. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” they chorused.

“Okay, sleeping arrangements. I figure Raj is always free to spend the night here, but if he chooses one bed over the other, it's gonna be weird.” I looked at Cyn, who nodded. “So maybe we can chip in and get some sort of air mattress? I dunno.”

“That's fine with me. It's no picnic trying to share a twin bed anyway,” Raj said.

“Okay, good.” I looked at my list and stalled. On it, I had written,
Hubble?
“As far as sleepovers at the Hubble, I guess we can see how that goes. It would make sense to alternate, but I don't know how often we'll be heading out there, unless it's the weekend or something.”

“Sounds fair,” Cyn agreed.

“I guess that's pretty much all I came up with.” I shrugged. They shrugged back at me. “Meeting concluded.”

We unlocked the door, but no friends dropped by that night. I don't know if it was the rumors or the fact that there were some freshmen girls performing the role of social hostesses now, but we were getting less and less traffic to our door. Some of the hippies still dropped by, but not as often. We saw Lila and Max, but things with them were suddenly strange. Our get-togethers hadn't changed a bit, but it was as if they knew we were up to something yet couldn't quite place it. It was sad to see them slip away, but honestly, we were pretty happy hanging out just the three of us.

CHAPTER FIVE

Not long after we became a threesome, Cyn and I signed up for a monthlong, full-immersion Spanish course in Costa Rica. We would fly out in January and visit a couple of different towns, volunteering in schools and sightseeing. We'd been kicking the idea around all semester, mostly as a fantastical daydream. Cyn had been busting her ass at the club just to make tuition, but when Professor Pablo said there were scholarships available, Cyn wrote an essay, submitted it, and was selected as one of five winners. Once she was going, I sent in a deposit to reserve my space.

Not that I was exactly rolling in dough, but I had my scholarship, and I'd spent little of the money I'd made that summer. My major purchase was a bicycle, which I used daily to visit the Hubble. Cyn had her car, so she could come and go as she pleased, but I couldn't stomach asking her to drop me off over there, even if she was on her way to work or class. I needed a Raj fix just about every day. It wasn't just about the sex, although I was really beginning to enjoy that; it was having Raj's full attention that I craved.

He made an effort to keep his room cleaner now that he had female guests. I never asked him when Cyn had been by, but I'd find evidence of her visits. Blond hair in his brush. A pair of her flip-flops under the bed. Though there were soon three toothbrushes above his sink, we were both careful not to let our
junk accumulate at his place. It reeked too much of marking one's territory.

Despite physical evidence to the contrary, I tried not to think about the two of them together. Raj always seemed delighted to see me, and he made me feel like I was the only one. I pointedly never mentioned her presence in his bed, until one time, about a month after we first slept together, it just slipped out.

We had just made love, and were laughing about our failed attempt at a new position, quickly abandoned after we discovered that key parts didn't meet up properly. In a genius move, I blurted out, “Maybe Cyn can do that, but I sure as hell can't.”

The draft I created by kicking open that dangerous door sucked all the afterglow out of the room in a second. Raj loosed a half laugh, cool and bitter.

“Maybe she can,” he said, his gaze fixed on the ceiling.

I lay still, trying not to wonder what that meant, hoping the moment would blow past.

He sat up, stiffly, and began to dress. “We're not having sex, Cyn and I. I guess you didn't know that.”

That didn't compute. Simultaneously, I realized that the celibacy was clearly not Raj's choice.

“I didn't,” I said. “I'm not sure I want to talk about this.”

“You two said no secrets, right? Well, now it's not a secret.”

My logic had abandoned me, leaving me at a loss as to how to explain why that wasn't what I'd meant by “no secrets.” All I knew was that I didn't want any details about their sexual life, or lack thereof.

“I just don't get it,” he whined.

At that moment, I learned that hearing your boyfriend complain about your best friend denying him sex is a total buzzkill. Also, it tends to enrage.

“I really don't want to hear about this.” I lurched out of bed and began throwing my clothes on.

“She hasn't said anything to you about it?”

“No! We don't talk about what we do and don't do with you. Imagine it this way: Would you ask your brother what he does with his wife? No. Because it's too close. It's weird. And furthermore, it's none of my business.”

He emitted a grunt of frustration.

I pulled on my shorts. “You're fucking unbelievable. I just slept with you, and you've got the balls to complain that you're not getting it from Cyn? Guess what? I don't fucking care!”

“You're right, you're right. I'm sorry,” he said. “Please don't be angry.”

“Too late! I'm angry. Get over yourself!”

He threw up his hands in exasperation, the poor victim of my unreasonableness. That pissed me off even more. I stormed out into the blinding afternoon, letting the door slam behind me.

I got on my bike and started pedaling down a random side street. I whizzed past silent, sunbaked houses, hardly seeing a soul. I rode aimlessly, fuming, until my knees started to ache. Eventually, I found myself back at the mansion by the bay. I tossed my bike down under a shady tree and lay there on the lawn, allowing my thoughts to have their riot.

Why would Cyn reserve the right to date Raj and then not sleep with him? She'd never before mentioned any reluctance to go all the way, or any other weird reservations about sex. I sure as hell heard her tickling out a few solo jollies at night when she thought I was asleep. And I knew she was attracted to him physically. So what the hell was her game?

A really dark thought occurred to me. Though I tried not to frame our agreement as a competition, if it were one, she was scoring a major advantage by
not
putting out. He would desire her all the more because he couldn't have her. By denying him physically, she'd effectively hijacked him emotionally. Or maybe she knew that he would eventually telegraph his dissatisfaction
to me, pissing me off so much that I blew up at him like I'd just done. The more I thought about it, the more brilliant a plan it seemed. But the Cyn I knew wasn't a diabolical mastermind. It had to be something else.

I plucked blade after blade of grass and shredded them, deciding one thing for certain: I would not get involved in Raj and Cyn's sexual psychodrama. The thought of it alone made me queasy. But simultaneously, the shadow of worry that I felt for Cyn was thickening. What I'd thought was a small cove of mystery was turning out to be a whole ocean of things that I didn't really know about her. I wondered if it was some failure on my part that she wouldn't open up; if I seemed too naive to get it. Clearly, she must have some sexual hang-ups, but now, with our new arrangement, the subject was unbroachable. I tried reminding myself that Cyn was a smart, capable person who could help herself if necessary, but that didn't silence the worry or squelch my anger. Cyn had said that our agreement wasn't a trap, but from where I sat, it sure looked like one.

I let things cool off with Raj for a few days. I did not pilot my bike to the Hubble. I made an effort to spend time alone and think about what I wanted, which was, lamentably, still Raj. I was perfectly normal with him in front of Cyn, but he knew he was in the shit-house.

After four days, I broke and accepted his dinner offer. I meant to make it hard for him to win me back, but I was so happy to be with him, I couldn't maintain the chilly demeanor that I'd practiced. By the time the check came, I felt no anger or jealousy. I just wanted to be back in his arms.

At the Hubble, we stumbled in the door and began undressing. I was on his bed, enjoying my initiation into the fevered delights of makeup sex, when there was a knock on the door. At
first, I thought I'd imagined it, but then it happened again, and I heard a female voice say, “Raj?”

“Babe, stop,” I said, squeezing his shoulders. Either because of the music or because he was lost in what we were doing, Raj hadn't heard. The knock sounded again, insistent.

“Glo?” It was unmistakably Cyn, her voice sounding strange and strangled.

Raj rolled off me, and I quickly threw on a T-shirt and some underwear. I wrapped a towel that I found on the floor around my waist and opened the door.

Cyn was standing there with her work duffel, ashen-faced. She looked at me, expressionless, then turned to wave at a police cruiser that was idling in the parking lot below. The cop inside flashed his lights and pulled away.

“Jesus! Was that the cops?” Raj exclaimed, appearing behind me in a pair of basketball shorts. I stepped back, and Cyn walked into the room. She scanned the clothes lying on the floor and the rumpled bed. Raj hastily opened the door to the balcony to let in some fresh air, and I switched on a lamp.

“I'm sorry, guys, I didn't mean to interrupt,” she said, a stunned look on her face. “Some guy followed me home from work.”

Raj's eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Someone followed you home?”

I sat on the bed and pulled her down next to me.

“Yeah. I saw the guy outside when I was going to my car, and I instantly got this really bad vibe—an instinct, or whatever. So I rushed into the car, and just as I hit the door locks, there was this terrifying redneck face right at the window. I pulled out of there like a crazy person. I swear, I almost ran over his feet. The next thing I know, I'm waiting for the light, and this pickup truck practically pulls up onto my fender. I knew it was the guy. The light changed and I floored it. I was hoping it was just
my imagination, but he sped up right after me, and whenever I turned, he kept following me.”

“Holy shit,” I whispered. Raj sat on her other side, his eyes locked on her face.

“I was too scared to pull off somewhere, because there's nothing open this late other than convenience stores, and I didn't see what the hell good that would do me, running for cover and hoping some high schooler would rescue me. I thought about pulling into the emergency room at the hospital, but I got lost and stumbled on a police station instead. So I pulled in there. Naturally, the truck didn't follow.” She waved her hands in a dazed “good riddance” gesture before adding, “I wish he had, because now I have no idea who it was.”

“You can't go back to work there,” Raj declared. There was an authoritative edge to his voice, as if he had fast-forwarded twenty years and was suddenly addressing a teenage daughter.

Cyn gazed past him, out toward the empty airstrip. “Yeah? Great. So now my income, which is already not nearly enough, will be zero.” She dropped her head into her hands. “This fucking night.” She looked at me. “You should have seen me in the police station. I was shaking like a little bird fallen from its nest.”

I gave her a hug and squeezed her pale wrist. Then I realized I was still wearing the towel, so I scooped my skirt off the floor. “I'll be right back.”

“So did the police take a description of the guy?” I heard Raj ask.

Cyn was beginning to answer when I closed the door to the bathroom. I washed up a little bit, mostly to give them some time alone together, and got dressed, wondering what I should do. I didn't doubt that Cyn would want to stay with Raj. If I were in her position, I would want to. But I didn't have my bike, and it was too late to walk back to the dorm by myself.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Raj was cradling Cyn in his arms and whispering something into her ear. He looked up and saw me, and there was something in his eyes that made me feel out of place.

“I think I'm going to head back to the room,” I said, remembering I could borrow Cyn's car.

“Okay,” Raj said, his focus concentrated on brushing his fingers through Cyn's hair.

I stood there for a moment, feeling the awful sting of being forgotten.

“Cyn, can I borrow your car?” I mumbled, because that was about all I could manage.

“Uh-huh,” she murmured. Then she awoke from her fog with a blink. “Shit. It's over there. I parked it, and the cop brought me here. I called the room and there was no answer,” she explained hastily, as if worried that I'd be pissed off. “I just didn't want to be alone.”

“Oh.” I looked out the balcony window toward the airport. The shadows seemed to be crawling with perverts and derelicts. “I guess I can walk,” I ventured neutrally, hoping to be shot down.

Cyn scoffed. “Are you fucking kidding me? Glo, c'mon. There's no way in hell you're walking home by yourself now.” She looked up at Raj. “Tell her.”

“You're staying here, young lady,” he admonished, his voice an ironic imitation of the tone he'd employed in earnest just minutes ago.

I put my bag down. “Sorry, guys. I'd like to give you some alone time.”

“No, I'm the third wheel in this situation.” Cyn sat up and made a gesture to Raj that she wanted to smoke. Wordlessly, Raj produced a glass pipe from his desk and a small bag of weed. I busied myself with putting on some music and settled
on the futon, leaving Raj and Cyn across from me on the bed. We silently passed the pipe between us. As the weed hit me, I closed my eyes and listened to Raj and Cyn discuss the chances of running into the pickup truck guy again.

“I wish you would quit,” Raj murmured. “It's obviously not safe.”

“I would love to quit, but you know I can't.”

Raj sighed loudly, and behind my closed lids, I could perfectly imagine the expression on his face. He was protective of Cyn. He babied her. I couldn't figure out why anyone would see a woman like Cyn and think she needed protection, but evidently he did. He wasn't that way with me. But then again, I didn't really do anything dangerous. Cyn had her drug fixations, her perilous job, and, I was realizing, her secrets. I didn't know what they were, but maybe Raj did. Or maybe Raj didn't know, but he sensed they were there. I drifted off.