Lost! The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog (10 page)

‘He got us INTO that mess with those angry people,’ growled Cat. ‘It was because of him they were angry!’

‘And he got us those very nice fish and chips,’ I added. Cat fell silent. He sat back and glared hard at both of us. He does it so well — glaring. Until he fell asleep of course, but by that time Hoolie and I were asleep too.

I woke before Hoolie, but Cat was already awake and staring at a photo in the greasy newspaper left over from the fish and chips.

‘That’s a very big cat,’ I said, and Cat nodded slowly.

‘It’s a distant cousin of mine, from Africa.’

‘Really? Why is it in the newspaper?’ I asked. We both gazed at the article beneath the photograph.

‘What does it say?’ I asked Cat.

‘Not much,’ he said. ‘It says cheetahs are the fastest land animals known to Man.’

‘They haven’t seen me!’ I cried.

Cat almost spat. ‘There is no way you could beat a cheetah. Look at those legs! Look at the body! That cousin of mine is a speed-machine. Now look at you! You’re a fat, bow-legged dog with bad breath.’

I ignored him. ‘What else does the newspaper say? There must be more.’

Cat sighed and ran a paw along each line of print as he read it.

‘It says cheetahs have nicer fur than dogs and can run much faster than dogs and they can climb trees, which dogs can’t do, and they have much better eyesight than dogs, and bigger brains too.’

I sat back. I thought it was a strange article to put in a newspaper but Cat said that was what the newspaper said, so it must be true.

‘He’s my cousin,’ Cat went on, ‘which explains why I have a big brain.’

‘Baboons have bigger brains than cats,’ yawned Hoolie, as he stirred.

‘Oh?’

‘Yes, because really we are just like two-legs only we are stronger and better looking. Look at them! The only fur they have left is that tiny bit stuck on top of their heads like a little tufty-wufty thing. Apart from that they’re all bare! Yuk! And I bet they can’t make their bottoms go bright red.’

‘You can’t do that!’ I exploded.

‘Can. Well, not me, but some of us can. I’ve seen it. Bright-red bottoms, lots of them. I bet you can’t do that.’

I went into a corner to think. What a strange world I was in. I looked at Hoolie, with his bright red and blue nose. I thought about having a red bottom. Then I thought about having an orange bottom like the cross two-legs, but a red bottom sounded so cool. I could be the only dog in the world with a red bum. I think Red Bottom Dog would be even better than Dazzy Donut Dog. In fact Dazzy Donut Dog sounded pretty stupid really. Yeah, from now on I would be Red Bottom Dog!

I thought about my pups too and wondered how they were getting on. I was sure Trevor was looking after them but he’s not their mum, is he? I should be there, teaching them how to sniff each other and lick things and jump on chairs and chew pillows and all that doggy stuff. I missed them worse than ever.

‘Tomorrow,’ I told the other two, ‘we are going home.’

‘Africa, here I come!’ yelled Hoolie.

‘Not Africa, Hoolie. My home, where my pups are, and Trevor.’

‘Trevor?’ asked the baboon.

‘He’s a baby two-legs,’ snapped Cat in disgust.

‘Has he got a car?’ asked Hoolie dreamily.

Cat turned back to me. ‘How are we going to get home? Do you suddenly know the way?’

I shook my head and my ears flapped. I felt good about this. Flapping ears always makes me feel good. ‘I feel it in my bones. Trust me. Tomorrow we will find home. I’m sure of it. What we need now is a good place to sleep.’

Well, that’s what I said — we needed a good place to sleep. Do you know what we did? We all slept up a tree. We did. Even me! I know dogs can’t climb trees, but I’m Red Bottom Dog now and Red Bottom Dog can do anything. Mind you, Cat and Hoolie did help pull me up.

‘Why are we doing this?’ I asked them.

‘Oh, you know…’ began Cat, and trailed off.

‘No, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.’

‘In case, you know…’ started Hoolie, but didn’t finish.

Then I realized. They were scared. We were all scared. We were being relentlessly tracked down by a dark Beast of the Night. Every night it seemed to come that little bit closer. I hastily scrambled up the tree.

It’s a bit weird, sleeping up a tree. I don’t know how cats and baboons manage, I really don’t. It wasn’t long before Hoolie was snoring away like one of those road drill thingies that go
Gurr Gurr Gurr GRRRRRR! Gurr Gurr Gurr GRRRRR!
Cat’s whiskers were twitching away too, which means he was off in Dreamland, but I was WIDE AWAKE.

How do you sleep on a branch? You can’t! It’s stupid. Who’d want to sleep up there? Cat and Hoolie said it was safer but I think that really really really they were hoping I’d fall off. And guess what? I did. Even though I was wide awake and clinging on with my paws and my
tail and my ears and my tongue and all my fur — everything was locked on to that branch — I fell off, WHEE! BANG! OW! PAIN!

That woke the others up and serves them right too. Fancy going off to Dreamland while I fall out of a tree. They helped me back up and we were just settling back to sleep when…

First of all it was just an almost-noise. It went like this: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I put all those little lines there because it was like the noise of silent walking and I think that line looks like silent footsteps, don’t you? You have to imagine them going pad pad pad pad, along the ground like that, only silently. That’s why I called it an almost-noise.

I think we must have heard it in our inner brain. Except of course Hoolie hasn’t got an inner brain because he’s a baboon and they don’t use their brains. I know that’s true, because if they did they wouldn’t go round making car aerials go TWANG!

We sat up in the tree, dead still, and with me
holding on with my tongue and tail and legs and everything. I could feel myself slip-slipping, sliding off the branch — AND THEN IT CAME OUT OF THE SHADOWS!

It was that thing in the newspaper! It went slinking along right under our tree and THEN IT STOPPED! RIGHT BENEATH ME! AND I WAS SLIP-SLIDING! Hoolie held on to my ears and Cat tried to stop my bum sliding off the branch and I thought:
We are all going to DIE!

I wondered what Red Bottom Dog would do and I knew she wouldn’t be scared, so I pretended I wasn’t, even though I was. I pretended I wasn’t quivering with fear, even though I was. And I pretended I wasn’t slipping off the branch, even though I was. And I pretended Hoolie was holding my ears to be helpful and not because he thought they might be as much fun as windscreen wipers, which I’m sure he was definitely thinking, because he’s mad and trying to build a car and he’s a baboon that can’t drive.

The Beast stopped right underneath and lifted his head and sniff sniff sniffed, like that. And I smelt that smell again, the strange faraway smell
and now I knew what it was. It was the smell of long grass, hot sun and great herds of antelope, and the cheetah creep-creeping up on them, with his long swishing tail and sharp teeth.

Now his yellow eyes narrowed and he looked all around. And then he did a great big wee all over the tree trunk! He did! Honestly! He growled quietly, a low rumble —
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
After that he did a bit more sniffing and then he went off again, like this: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (More silent padding.)

And we were still up the tree and we’d been holding our breath for days! So we had to let it out and take a big, deep breath. Phew! We had seen THE BEAST and we had survived. Red Bottom Dog saved the day! Then Hoolie let go of my ears and I fell out of the tree again. CRASH! OW! MORE PAIN!

As I lay on the ground I thought:
Actually, come to think of it, Red Bottom Dog wasn’t much use up that tree at all.
I’m going to stick with Dazzy Donut
Dog after all. I think donuts are much better than red bottoms, don’t you?

Hoolie asked if we’d noticed The Beast had two tails.

Cat said its teeth were like daggers.

I said my ears hurt, and gave Hoolie a sharp look, but he just grinned.

We set off and found a road. I was really pleased because, although I hadn’t told anyone, I had a secret plan. I’d been thinking about it for some time. This is how my plan went.
We find a van with the back doors open. We get inside. It takes us back to where I came from.
Wasn’t that a good idea? I thought it was, and you know what? We saw a van, with the doors open. It was parked outside a house. And another thing — when I looked inside, it was full of pies and sausage rolls! In fact, it was the same van, because I could smell where I’d been sick.