“Thinking, sir.”
“Stand up, son. Now.”
Jeremy did. He had a slight shake. He wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or if he was a tad bit frightened. He didn’t feel scared, just caught and embarrassed.
The officer shone a light in his eyes.
“How much you been drinking?”
“None at all.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“I’ll breathe into a machine…if you want.”
“Touch your nose with your right index finger. Slowly.”
Jeremy did as he had seen on television.
“Do you want me to do my left, sir?”
“No, you’re sober. You mind telling me what you’re doing out here? Nobody suppose to be here after sundown. Often have teenagers, usually younger than yourself, come out here and cause trouble.”
“No, just thinking.”
“I can write you up a citation for trespassing. Just tell me why you’re here.”
Jeremy looked down at the ground and then towards Kevin’s grave. Why was he here?
“I didn’t want to stay at home, didn’t want to go to the prom either.”
“Are you feeling suicidal?”
“What? No. Just started walking and ended up here.”
“Did you know the boys that were massacred?”
Jeremy nodded and took a few moments to compose his words. “Worked for a while with Kevin Diamond and his dad. They went to our church and all. I talked to him and that whole group of guys the night they got shot up.” Jeremy was surprised he let that out.
“You couldn’t have been with them when it happened.”
Jeremy felt the blood drain out of his face, but told himself to breathe before answering. He had to be careful. He shook his head.
“Nah, I left before then.”
“You didn’t come forward?”
“I tried the day after, but I couldn’t get inside your office. It was chaotic. And I had nothing to say…nothing that would have helped keep Crazy Eddie behind bars. If anything it would have helped his case. They wanted to hurt him.”
The sheriff scratched his chin, thought about it for a moment, and nodded. “You probably did the right thing then. Where do you live? I’ll give you a ride home.”
Jeremy felt relieved walking to the car. He had finally told law enforcement a little about the massacre, and nothing had happened. Of course the directions would always remain a secret. Always. He plunked down in the passenger seat of the Ford Crown Victoria. It had a musty, masculine smell of sweat and coffee that reminded him of the football coach’s office. There was a CB radio on the floor and a shotgun locked to the seats. It felt like a man cave.
“Welcome to my office,” Sheriff Dempsey said.
“I like it,” Jeremy said.
On the drive they discovered that Jeremy’s sister had played softball with the sheriff’s youngest daughter.
“Where did your sister go to school?”
“Wichita State. She plays shortstop.”
“Good for her. She has a strong arm.”
Sheriff Dempsey shook Jeremy’s hand before he got out of the car and told him to steer clear of the graveyard at night.
“You’re a good kid, Jeremy. Hope to see you again. Now I gotta go find all the drunken troublemakers driving around after prom.”
30. A SITUATION
On Monday, Jeremy heard all about the prom. Everybody had a great time, and some went to after-parties that were a blast until they were busted by the police. Classmates asked Jeremy what he did that night.
“I was in bed sick.”
“You should have been there, man. You would have felt better,” somebody said.
Jeremy nodded, not paying much attention. He had noticed that Carrie looked different when he saw her pass. She had a distant, faraway look. Her shoulders curved inward. She should have been proud with her head held high. As predicted, she and Zack had been named prom king and queen.
Three weeks later, she dropped out of school. With graduation around the corner, it didn’t make much sense. Jeremy noticed that Zack was more agitated than usual. When he saw Michelle and asked about Carrie, she looked flustered and said that she was feeling sick. “In a real bad way,” she emphasized.
Jeremy emailed Carrie, and then texted a couple of hours later. He told himself it didn’t matter what happened to her, it was her own thing. But he felt uneasy, like something bad had happened. He got a text that night at the dinner table. Jeremy immediately jumped up to check his phone on the nearby sofa.
“Isn’t there a rule in this house that we don’t have phone calls at dinner?” his father said.
Jeremy read the following message: THX 4 MSG. NOT FEELING GR8. THINK I RUINED MY LIFE.
Jeremy felt his heart sink. What did that mean? He typed: DO U WANNA TALK?
Carrie responded: NEED TO BE ALONE NOW. THANK U 4 BEING A FRIEND.
“Jeremy, come to the table and sit down or we’ll stop paying for your phone,” Gary said.
“Sorry, Dad,” Jeremy said going out the door. “This is important.”
Jeremy’s heart thumped wildly. Was she suicidal? He called again, but she didn’t answer. He jumped in his truck and tore off down the road. Carrie was only a few neighborhoods away. He ran a couple of stop signs and saw at least one old man shake a fist at him from his lawn. Pulling up to the curb by Carrie’s house, Jeremy decided to call one more time before barging through the door and doing something that might be stupid and embarrassing. He saw Carrie’s bedroom light from the second floor window. He dialed, but it went to voicemail after a couple of rings.
“Hey Carrie, it’s me. Jeremy. I, uh…well, I’m concerned about you, because the messages you are sending are so…bleak. I want to make sure that everything is okay. That you aren’t going to…do anything drastic…to yourself. Not that you would, but if you did, I’d…” Jeremy caught his breath, “I’d be hurt. Big time. It would break my heart because you are…and have always been special to me.” Jeremy felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I guess what I’m trying to say is…” he tried to hold it back but couldn’t, “that I love you. I always have and always will. Not that I’ve ever done anything about it. Okay, I’m feel awkward now, but please don’t do…”
Jeremy’s voice trailed off as he saw Zack Utley’s jacked-up truck approaching. Zack was driving with his mother and father in the cab next to him. He hung up when Zack pulled into the driveway, staring daggers at him.
“What’s going on?” Jeremy said out loud.
Zack stepped out of his truck and glared at Jeremy. His parents came around to him. They had stern, solemn faces. The front door to the house opened and Carrie’s father also displayed a heavy, graven face. Jeremy held Zack’s stare. He was not going to blink at that jackass. Something happened at prom. Zack probably got rough with Carrie, trying to get her to give up some nookie, and now Zack is getting a what-for from both parents, Jeremy surmised. Zack’s dad grabbed Zack by his arm and jerked him inside. Jeremy hadn’t blinked. He had won. The little victory was squashed when he realized a moment later what was really happening.
31. MAN OF HONOR
Jeremy lay in bed all night staring at the ceiling. He felt stung and couldn’t shake away the feeling that it was his fault. He believed he had let Carrie down. He should have saved Carrie from Zack and the fate that seemed to hit every twentieth or so Kansas high school girl, according to the news. If he had asked her to the prom, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. They’d be in love. And even if it went downhill, she would still go to Kansas State University. But God dealt her an ugly hand, punishing her for being with somebody like Zack.
Jeremy turned over in bed. Why couldn’t he do the right thing for once? If he had told Kevin that he didn’t know where Crazy Eddie lived, or at least had them drive the opposite direction, things would be different. Same with Carrie: he just needed to ask her to go to the prom and she’d have kept her bright future.
Within a couple of days, news that Carrie and Zack were getting married, shotgun style, was on every high school student’s lips. The date was set a few weeks after graduation. People said they were doing it quickly so photos wouldn’t show Carrie with too big of a bump. Girls congratulated Carrie on the wedding and talked about dresses, while guys consoled Zack. He had to find a job, in earnest, because there would be three mouths to feed. But from what Jeremy saw, there was a hint of victory behind Zack’s woe-is-me act. Neither Jeremy nor Zack mentioned that night at Carrie’s when they crossed paths.
“Good luck,” was all Jeremy could say.
“Thanks, man. I’m going to need it,” Zack said with that jackass smirk.
Zack did better than he should have; Carrie was taking a huge step down.
*
Jeremy found Carrie late one afternoon talking to a gaggle of girls outside the school on a bench. She looked exhausted, while trying to keep a cheery appearance.
“Hey, Carrie.”
“Jeremy, how are you doing?” Her eyes seemed to liven.
“Good. I was wondering if I could talk to you alone, in private?”
“You know she’s engaged?” Lucy Martin said with snicker.
“There’s no ring yet,” Jeremy said, and instantly regretted it.
The girls oohed and laughed and then went up a few yards to another bench where they could keep a scandalmongering eye on them.
“So, um, you didn’t listen to the message that I sent a while back, did you?”
“I did. It was sweet.”
“Well I thought, I don’t know. I guess I misinterpreted what your text was about.”
“You thought I was suicidal?”
“Kind of.”
“Why would I ever do that? How long have you known me?” Her big eyes searched his.
“Most of our lives,” Jeremy said. “Well, I didn’t know what happened between you and Zack, well, I mean I do know now and…”
Carrie blushed.
“Oh crap, I’m sorry. I’m just digging a deeper hole, aren’t I?”
“Maybe a little.”
“I guess I just wanted to say, sorry about the message. I didn’t mean it. I just overreacted.”
“You didn’t mean it?” There was a crack in her voice. Her eyes searched Jeremy. He felt panicked. Why did he have to do this? Don’t most people just make mistakes and never acknowledge them? Just let that uncomfortableness linger for years and never ever discuss it again? That was the Kansas way, probably the American way, outside of California and New York and a few other find-your-inner-Buddha states.
“Well no, I mean I meant it. I did, but I…” He heard giggling from the girls not far away and knew his face must have reddened.
Carrie grabbed his hand.
“Hey, it’s all right. Under different circumstances, it might have happened: you and me. It just wasn’t meant to be. God and His mysterious ways, right?”
Jeremy nodded, telling himself to keep his trap shut.
“Hey, Rogers.”
Jeremy turned to see Zack coming their way in long strides. Carrie dropped his hand.
“S’up, Zack. Everything alright?” Jeremy said.
Zack looked back and forth at the two of them. From what Jeremy could tell, Zack’s self-esteem would not acknowledge him as a rival, even if he had suspicions. It was over eighty and he was wearing his filthy letterman’s jacket. Zack bent down and kissed Carrie on the lips with too much force.
Zack came up for air with a half grin, half snarl. “You two just talkin’?”
“Is that a problem, honey?” Carrie asked. “Jeremy’s my oldest friend.”
“Just wishing your bride-to-be the best of luck, you know,” Jeremy said, staring at Zack’s challenging eyes. He wasn’t going to blink first this time either.
“And I’m inviting him to be in the wedding as my Man of Honor.”
Both Jeremy and Zack whipped around to look at Carrie. She nodded with a huge smile.
“But I, uh…” Jeremy felt sweat trickling down his neck. What was Carrie doing? This was absurd. “I, uh…unfortunately, have a… I regretfully have to decline.” He kept his head down. He couldn’t look Zack in the eyes now.
“Ah, too bad. I think you’d look good in a dress,” Zack said with a snort.
“He wouldn’t be in a dress, silly. He’d be in a tux, like your groomsmen.”
“What about Michelle? You two have been this close,” Zack said, with two fingers together.
“Except those times when we’re not,” Carrie said, pulling his fingers apart. She turned to Jeremy. “So what do you say? Want to reconsider and be my Man of Honor?”
Jeremy couldn’t think of words and knew his face had flushed a deep shade of crimson. The girls from the table were walking over.
“I can’t, Carrie. You know I couldn’t. Sorry. I gotta get going.”
Jeremy tried his best to walk fast without running, but he was sure that he looked like a horse escaping a burning barn.
PART 4: THE LOST YEARS
32. GRADUATIONS
The next week Jeremy wore a red cap and gown, shuffled to the middle of the football stadium with his classmates, and after the speeches (Carrie had resigned as valedictorian to the relief of school officials) crossed the stage when his name was called. He hugged and high-fived friends, colleagues, and everybody around him. He felt weightless, like a heavy anchor had been lifted from his neck. He wouldn’t have to retake his senior year and he would own a diploma. Nobody could take that away from him.
Jeremy’s family threw a big party with his grandparents, sister, uncles, and cousins crowded in the house. When anybody asked what he planned to do, he’d answer, “mow lawns.” That got a big laugh, but he really wasn’t looking any further than the summer.
*
Jeremy’s sister Jessica graduated the following week from Wichita State with a Bachelor of Education. Her boyfriend, Sam, sat with the family in a stadium where football hadn’t been played for more than a decade. He was excessively dressed in a suit and tie, compared to the jeans and T-shirts the family wore in the hot afternoon sun. Ambitious Sam had already become the top junior salesman for John Deere in the South Western Kansas region. He seemed unusually nervous and distracted, saying very little, to Jeremy’s relief.
Later, at a long table full of relatives, Sam made an announcement.
“As you all know Jessica and I have been going out for over three years and quite honestly, I could not think of ever going another day without her.”