Losing Me Finding You (16 page)

9th October 1998

Twenty-two years old

“Hey,” Josh says, leaning over the counter to kiss me.

I kiss him quickly before pushing him back. “Josh, I’m at work,” I say, looking around at the empty library.

Josh follows my gaze, rolling his eyes. “What, you’re worried some old lady is gonna have a heart attack at seeing two people kiss?” he says, leaning towards me again.

“No,” I say pushing him back. “It’s just not appropriate,” I add on, even though I know that’s got nothing to do with that.

I hear Josh exhale loudly and I know he’s annoyed. We’ve only been seeing each other for two weeks now and while he’s happy we’re together, I know the distance I keep between us frustrates him. I reach out and grab his hand, try to apologise for acting like this. I still don’t know why I do. Josh is a nice guy and he’s been patient with me as I try and work out what I want from this.

The problem is me.

I don’t
know
what I
want
, because I can’t even begin to work out what it is that I’m feeling right now. I like the feeling of having Josh. I like the fact that someone wants to be with me, that someone misses me when I’m not around, but for some reason, there is a part of me that knows that person isn’t Josh. No matter how much I pretend I’m okay with him touching me or kissing me or pulling me against him, deep down, a part of me knows this isn’t right, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

It’s not him.

I shake my head, lift Josh’s hand to my mouth and press a kiss to his palm. He smiles at me, but it’s sad and I know he doesn’t understand what’s going on inside my head. It’s amazing he sticks around at all really.

“Should we go?” I ask, knowing the library is practically deserted so I can always duck out early.

“Sure,” he says, smiling as I walk around the counter and slide my arm around his waist.

He leans down and kisses the top of my head, but I lift my face, offering him my lips instead. He smiles as he presses his mouth against mine and I close my eyes as I try to ignore the tug at my heart.

It’s not him.

5th November 1998

Twenty-two years old

“So what did you think?” Josh asks as we walk out of the movie theatre.

I smile as I glance up at him. “Well that’s three and half hours of my life I’m never getting back,” I tell him.

Josh laughs as he slides in behind me, his arms around my waist as he says, “Fly Rose, Fly!”

I can’t help but laugh, falling back against his body as he holds me. Josh leans in and presses a kiss to my neck and I feel a shiver run down my spine.

“I’m pretty sure my arse is completely numb,” he says, letting go of me as he takes my gloved hand in his and we walk towards the pub.

“Me too,” I say, glancing up at him again. Josh looks down at me at the same time and smiles, leaning in to press a kiss to my lips. My eyes close as I try to feel something, anything at all, when he does.

“Want to get a drink?” he says, stopping outside the pub we first met at.

I look up at his face; see his eyes watching me with a new kind of longing in them. I recognise it, knowing I’ve seen this same look on his face for the past few weeks now. I wish I could give him what he wanted. I wish I could work out why I can’t.

It’s not him.

“Sure,” I say, opening the door for him.

Inside, the pub is crowded and I push Josh towards an empty table on the far side, indicating that I’ll get the drinks. He smiles at me as he leans in and presses a kiss to my lips and I force myself to smile back.

Up at the bar, it’s three people deep, all of them yelling at the bartender. To my right is a group of guys, all of them wearing some kind of local football jersey and singing at the top of their lungs. I smile at one of them who’s close by, a tall guy, with brown hair and blue eyes, who’s staring at me. He smiles back as he moves towards me, pushing the person standing between us out of the way.

“Hey,” he says, a huge smile on his face.

I smile up at him; take in the friendly face, the blue eyes that somehow look familiar. “Hey,” I say back. “Big win today or something?”

This boy grins down at me and it’s cheeky and cute and for some reason it makes my heart flip. “Yeah, big win,” he says. “Plus, it’s my birthday.”

I smile up at him as a dull ache starts to build in my stomach, radiating up and wrapping around my heart. “Your birthday?” I whisper, not even sure he hears me.

The boy smiles as he leans in, his mouth at my ear as he whispers, “What did you say?”

I swallow, my breath catching in my throat at his nearness, the warmth of his skin so close to mine. “It’s your birthday?” I breathe out.

He pulls back just a fraction so that the only thing I’m seeing are his blue eyes, which are looking at me like they know me, as if they can see right through me. “Yeah,” he says. “Think I could get a birthday kiss?” he asks now, the corner of his mouth lifting in a half smile.

Birthday, birthday. Why does this feel so familiar?

Blue eyes stare at me as I try desperately to remember. It’s right there, so close to the surface that I have to shut my eyes to try and picture it, to try and grab hold of whatever it is that’s floating beneath the surface, begging me to remember.

He must take this as a yes though, because the next thing I feel are his warm lips, pressed against mine. Something inside me flips as a new memory rises to the surface.
A birthday. A celebration. Blue eyes staring down at me, begging me to believe something they’d said. A kiss that followed, intense, punishing, almost as though it was trying to convince me. Convince me…convince me of what?

Why can’t I remember?

Who are you?

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Josh says, my eyes flying open as the lips leave mine. I see Josh just as he grabs this guy and pulls him off me.

“Hey, sorry mate,” the guy says, shrugging at him. “I asked if I could.”

Josh turns to face me and I shake my head in confusion, my eyes glancing back to the blue-eyed boy who stands there watching us. He’s still grinning at me and I can tell he’s drunk and doesn’t really understand what’s just happened. I don’t even understand what’s happened and the memory, whatever it was that he just triggered, is gone and for the life of me, I can’t work out what it was or who I was trying to remember.

“Evie?” Josh says, staring at me.

“What?” I say, finally looking at him.

“What the hell were you doing?” he asks. “I thought you were just getting drinks.”

I shake my head, trying to clear it. “I was,” I say, turning towards the bar. “ I was.”

“Just forget it,” Josh says. “I think I’d rather go home.”

12th April 1999

Twenty-three years old

“Evie,” Josh moans, his hand sliding under my jumper as it reaches for my breast.

My fingers curl around his wrist, pulling it out as I lean back against the couch, trying to take a break. We’re sitting on the floor of my living room, attempting to watch a movie. Only Josh has other things on his mind and I’m pretty sure not only does it involve no movie, it also involves no clothes.

“What, what’s wrong?” he says, leaning towards me, his hand on my chest again.

“Josh,” I say, pushing him away. “Don’t.”

He falls back against the couch, his hand running through his hair as he exhales loudly. “What the hell’s going on here, Evie?” he asks, his voice laced with frustration.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my eyes anywhere but his face. “It’s not you, really.”

Yes it is.

Josh shakes his head at me and I watch as he scrubs his hand down his face. “Yeah,” he says, staring at me now. “It
is
me.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s not, really,” I say, knowing my words are a lie. “I’m sorry, I just, I can’t go too fast. I…”

I don’t know how to explain this, whatever it is I’m feeling. I don’t even know what it is. Josh is a nice guy and I do like him, but something about this just doesn’t feel right. Penny keeps trying to tell me that it will come, that sometimes attraction takes a while and I just have to give him a chance. But I don’t think it’s ever going to happen and strangely enough, I know it’s got nothing to do with Josh and everything to do with me.

“Do you not want to be together?” he suddenly asks.

I glance up at him. His elbow is resting on the couch, and his head rests in his hand as he looks at me. I can’t read his face, but I can see enough to know he’s getting tired of this.

“Evie?” he repeats. “Do you want to break up?”

Yes

“No,” I whisper.

Josh smiles at me now, but it’s sad and I know a part of him doesn’t really believe me. “Come on,” he says, sliding over so he sits closer, but keeping his hands to himself. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

I twist to face the TV; my body wound so tight I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to relax.

What the hell is wrong with me?

8th May 1999

Twenty-three years old

“You ready to go?” Josh asks. I nod and watch as he smiles at me.

Things have been better between us lately, mainly because I’ve actually been trying to act as though I want to be in this relationship with him. Most of it time I think I do, but sometimes I get the feeling this just comes from exhaustion. And loneliness. I just want to feel something, anything, because I’m tired of feeling so alone all the time.

“Come on then,” Josh says, smiling at me. “Let’s go.”

I hook my arm through the elbow he offers me and we wave goodbye to Penny and Simon before walking outside.

Without discussing it, we start walking towards Josh’s flat and I know that tonight, things are going to go further. He’s never outright pressured me to sleep with him, stopping all the times I pushed his hands away, even when I know he wanted more. But I know he wants it, especially lately when things between us have been better.

A part of me is afraid. Not just of sleeping with him, but of making the wrong decision. I can’t remember who the last guy I slept with was and I guess I just expected when I slept with the next guy, that I would feel something more than what I’m feeling right now. Which is still nothing at all.

No, that’s not true.

I do feel something, but it’s more like lost. Lost and empty, as though something is missing, only I don’t know what it is or how to even begin trying to look for it. But it’s there, a constant nagging feeling at the back of my mind that sometimes masquerades as an ache in my chest. I wish I knew how to get rid of it, or at the very least, how to work out what the hell this feeling is.

I’ve tried everything I can, but it never disappears. I’m haunted constantly by dreams that I cannot remember, but which feel so incredibly real that I desperately want to. Everything, my friends, my life, my relationship with Josh, it all feels wrong and fake and like it’s all out of place. But right now I’m wondering if this is something that I just need to do. Maybe sleeping with Josh, actually having this kind of connection with him will help.

My body shivers at the idea, but it’s not in the good way.

“You okay, Evie?” Josh asks, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I glance up at him and he’s looking at me with nothing but concern. I force myself to smile, knowing Josh is a nice guy and none of this, what I’m feeling, is his fault. “Yeah, just cold,” I say, leaning against him.

Josh smiles as the sound of a siren suddenly cuts through the night, a red fire truck speeding past us. A sharp pain lances through me, almost making me bend over as all of the air rushes from my lungs.

“Evie, seriously,” Josh says, pushing us into a bus shelter. “Are you sure you’re okay, you’re acting kind of weird.”

Weird doesn’t even begin to describe it, I think to myself. What the hell happened just then with that fire truck? I have absolutely no idea, let alone how to try and explain it to him. So I simply shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m fine. Come on, let’s just get out of here.”

Josh leans down to kiss me and his lips feel soft, but cold against mine. His arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me closer and I try to sink into him, but it still feels strange.

We eventually make it back to his place and as Josh unlocks the door, my stomach starts to churn. I’m beginning to wonder whether this really is such a good idea.

“Shit,” Josh says as we walk into the living room, a side lamp illuminating the huge backpack that’s sitting in the middle of the floor.

“What is it?” I ask, wondering if this is my sign.

“Nothing,” Josh says, turning to face me with a finger to his lips. “My housemate’s here, I just didn’t expect him to get back tonight.”

“Oh, should I go?” I ask, thinking this is my perfect excuse.

“No,” Josh says, shaking his head. “Just be quiet and he won’t even notice we’re here.”

The smile on Josh’s face tells me more. It’s not just a matter of being quiet while we sneak towards Josh’s room like a pair of teenagers. It’s about being quiet when we start doing what I know Josh expects us to do, inside that room.

I feel an overwhelming rush of familiarity. At the memory of sneaking towards a room, of all the amazing things that then happened in that room. Why the fuck can’t I remember what this memory is? The only thing I do know, is that it wasn’t with Josh, the man who’s hand is now holding mine as he leads me quietly towards his bedroom.

I glance into the kitchen as we pass by, see a tall guy with brown hair standing in front of the fridge, his back to us. He doesn’t notice us because the music that’s blaring from the radio sitting on the kitchen bench drowns out our footsteps. I can’t believe Josh isn’t stopping to say hello.

“Safe,” he finally says, closing the door behind us.

I lean back against his door feeling anything but safe. Josh smiles as me, as he crowds against me and despite my body feeling caged in and trapped, I lift my mouth to his as he leans down to kiss me, forcing away the memories and the weirdness.

Josh rests his body against mine, making me feel even more crowded. My heart is pounding in my chest and I know it has nothing to do with the man who’s kissing me against his bedroom door. I put my hands on his chest and force him backwards.

“Okay?” he asks, his eyes hooded as he stares down at me.

No.
“Yes,” I say, smiling up at him. “Let’s move over there though,” I say, nodding to the bed behind him.

Josh smiles at me now, winking as he pulls me off the door and towards his bed. When we get there, he sits, pulling me between his open legs as his hands slide up and under my jumper, yanking it over my head in one quick move. It gets caught on my scarf, Josh not even realising as he tries to undress me. Everything about this feels awkward and weird, but I still don’t stop it.

“Hot,” Josh murmurs, his eyes on my black lace bra as he stares at my breasts. His fingers reach out and roughly pull one of the cups down. He leans in and takes me in his mouth, his teeth biting and sucking in a way that’s almost painful. I slide my fingers into his hair, not sure whether to pull him closer, or push him away.

Before I can decide, Josh pulls the straps down my arms, trapping them against my sides as he falls back onto the bed, taking me with him. I wind up on top of him, my arms pinned against me as Josh sucks on my neck.

Suddenly this feels more than just weird.

It feels like a mistake, a betrayal, and very, very wrong.

I struggle against Josh, his arms now wrapped around my waist as he holds me against him. He thinks it’s encouragement, his mouth only sucking harder at my neck.

“Josh,” I blurt out, my voice catching. “Wait.”

He either doesn’t hear me or doesn’t care, his mouth now moving lower as he attempts to find my breasts which are bare and pushed against his chest.

I try to roll off him, force myself to say, “Josh,” louder this time.

“What?” he says, lifting his face to look at me.

I can see the annoyance in his eyes, the frustration at having to stop…again. But I don’t care. Nothing about this feels right, not the position I’m in, the man I’m with, or the things we are about to do. I never should have continued with this relationship. I can’t explain why, the only thing I do know is I have to get out of here.

Now.

“What, Evie?” he asks, impatient. “What’s wrong this time?”

I struggle against him, finally getting free as I roll to the side and pull up my bra straps. “I can’t,” I say, refusing to look at him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do any of it.” I scramble off the bed before he can stop me, grabbing my jumper from the floor and pulling it over my head to hide my half naked chest.

“Evie, what’s going on? Did I do something wrong?” Josh asks, sitting up and not so discreetly adjusting his jeans.

I shake my head, but refuse to look at him. “No, it’s not you, it’s me,” I say, using the oldest cliché in the book. “I’m sorry.” Then I grab my bag from the floor and walk out of his room before he tries to change my mind.

As I leg it towards the front door, I collide straight into the man who was standing in the kitchen when we came in earlier. “Whoa, shit, sorry,” he says, his fingers grabbing my upper arm as I stumble from the contact.

I pull away from him, glancing up into blue eyes that are warm and kind. “No problem,” I say. “My fault.”

“You okay?” this stranger asks me.

I nod. “Yeah, fine,” I say, walking towards the front door. I need to get out of here before Josh comes out of his bedroom. “I’m just leaving. It was nice to meet you,” I lie, knowing I will never see this person again.

“You too,” he calls out, just as Josh walks out of his room. “Oh, hey, Josh, how’s it going?” I hear him ask.

“Hey, Ben,” Josh says as I close the door behind me, refusing to listen to him try and change my mind.

Because in that second; I don’t need to hear anything else.

Because in that single second, with that one word, the knowledge of why tonight felt so wrong, why the past few years have felt so wrong, all comes rushing back to me.

Ben.

Ben was the last man I slept with. Ben was the man I should have been sleeping with tonight, the man I thought I’d sleep with for the rest of my life.

But just as the memories of a rainy night, a deep kiss while pressed against a door, a quiet trip up stairs to a room full of passion and lust and love, all start to invade my brain, so to do the nightmares.

Nightmares of a betrayal, of another woman, and of Ben, begging me to believe it was nothing.

And with that, I immediately bend over and throw up. All of the memories and nightmares washing over me, consuming me, finally making me understand why I’ve been feeling the way I have for so long.

How the hell did I forget all of this?