Loneliness (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (3 page)

Loneliness can leave you desperate to connect with
anybody
, leading you to impulsively involve yourself too quickly or too deeply with those who are not “suitable helpers.” The result will be the forming of unhealthy, damaging relationships.

“A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12:26)

Loneliness can take a toll on your physical health, because what negatively affects your mind and spirit ultimately has a negative impact on your body.

“So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.” (Psalm 143:4)

• Physical symptoms of loneliness
  are similar to symptoms of stress or depression and may show up as:
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  • Anxiety and apprehension
    
  • Change in eating habits—loss of appetite or overeating
    
  • Change in sleeping habits—insomnia or oversleeping
    
  • Decreased immunity to illness
    
  • Gastrointestinal problems—stomachaches, nausea, diarrhea
    
  • Headaches
    
  • High blood pressure
    
  • Nervousness
    

“An anxious heart weighs a man down.” (Proverbs 12:25)

He is the most respected man in all the land, and no one equals him in wealth and wisdom in the eyes of God. When as judge he took his seat in the city square he said,
“the young men saw me and stepped aside and the old men rose to their feet. ... Men listened to me expectantly, waiting in silence for my counsel. ... They waited for me as for showers and drank in my words as the spring rain”
(Job 29:8, 21,23).

Therefore, there can be no more dramatic descent than what this man—so marveled by others—experiences as when he is found sitting in a pile of ashes, considered a social outcast, and even worse, a sinner. Once revered, Job is now reviled.

Satan has been at work, allowed by God to pummel Job with painful trials and afflictions, including oozing sores from head to toe. All of this occurs not because Job is a “bad man,” but because he is blameless before God and his faith is in the spotlight in a supernatural showdown between God and Satan.
Will Job curse God once His hedge of protection is removed?
That is the piercing proposition Satan puts before God! And it is the question asked about you when loneliness invades your life, knocking you to your knees.

Loneliness.
Even the word sounds painful, bringing up unhappy memories from the past. Were you the one teased about your looks in childhood or the shy, quiet one everyone overlooked? Maybe your best friend moved to a different city or your dad moved out of the house when you were young.

Everyone struggles with feelings of loneliness, for no one escapes separation, loss, grief, isolation, and the human need for relationships. You were created to live in partnership with others and with God. “The story of Adam and Eve indicates they were partners in relationship to each other, to creation, and to their Creator. ... In life and in death, we long for human community.”
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As Paul wrote ...

“For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone.” (Romans 14:7)

Job seemingly has lost it all—his property and livestock, children, health, and friends, except for a trio who further traumatize poor Job with misguided and even malicious counsel.

Job languishes in loneliness, longing for the relationships that once so richly blessed his life.
“He has alienated my brothers from me; my acquaintances are completely estranged from me. My kinsmen have gone away; my friends have forgotten me. My guests and my maidservants count me a stranger; they look upon me as an alien. ... I am loathsome to my own brothers”
(Job 19:13–15, 17).

“All my intimate friends detest me; those I love have turned against me.” (Job 19:19)

The one constant in life is change. We all know this to be true. And yet when change happens to us—especially without warning—we often have difficulty adapting. When your world changes and you are no longer able to predict what will happen next, you can lose confidence and feel uncertain, which often leads to fear. This is the perfect “emotional climate” for loneliness to take root.

Loneliness is an emotion that can strike anyone, young or old, outgoing or introverted, confident or uncertain. Because you have been created to have a relationship with God and with others, you become especially vulnerable to loneliness when you experience rejection or another significant loss. No one escapes feelings of loneliness.

It may help you to remember that God allows these feelings to enter our lives so that we may turn our hearts toward Him for comfort and assurance and toward others who are also lonely.

“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” (Job 42:5)

Feelings of loneliness are often associated with:

• Circumstances
  

  Singleness, divorce, death of a loved one, empty nest, loss of a job or home, demotion at work, major move
  

• Holidays
  

  Unfulfilled expectations, separation from family or friends, loss of traditional celebrations, memories of the past, lack of plans
  

• Affliction
  

  Physical disability, mental or emotional disability, chronic or terminal illness, aging, abuse
  

• Naivety
  

  Taking on responsibilities previously performed by another person, lack of experience in new areas of decision making, disloyal family members
  

• Goals
  

  New career or career change, retirement, job advancement, pursuit of higher education
  

• Estrangement
  

  Absence of intimacy, rejection by others, adulterous spouse, removal from customary environment, marital separation, living or working in new surroundings, rebellious adult children, conflict with friends or fellow employees
  

When you turn to God in times of loneliness, taking comfort from His steadfast presence and abiding love, your life can be doubly blessed. You can experience God’s peace yourself, which empowers you to reach out to other hurting hearts. In this way, you become a living expression of God’s concern for all who experience trouble of any sort.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4)

Q
UESTION: “When is loneliness most likely to occur?”

A
NSWER:
Loneliness is felt most often when a major change in life occurs. Most of us struggle with the realities of change even when the change is ultimately for the best. Most of us resist losing both the comforting support of loved ones and the security of the old and familiar. Grief surrounding a significant loss is fertile ground for loneliness to take root and grow.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” (Psalm 22:1)

Fully aware of God’s sovereignty in his suffering, Job proclaims,
“the hand of God has struck me”
(Job 19:21).

And yet oblivious to the fiery test of faith he is undergoing, Job believes he is being dealt with unjustly and vows he will maintain his integrity to the very end. Job accuses God of stripping him of his honor, blocking his way, and shrouding his paths in darkness.
“He tears me down on every side till I am gone; he uproots my hope like a tree”
(Job 19:10).

And to one of his cantankerous counselors who ignorantly accuses Job of sinning and calls for his repentance, Job proclaims, “
then know that God has wronged me and drawn his net around me
” (Job 19:6).

When bad things happen to you and when it seems as if your whole world has changed overnight, you feel overwhelmed and “disconnected.” Nothing makes sense, and in your frustration and pain, you may blame God or feel unworthy of His love. You may ask yourself,
If God loves me, why would He allow me to suffer?

Times like these test your faith greatly as you are called to keep on believing in a loving, wise God, who understands your suffering and carries you through dark times. The truth is, it is not for you to figure out why you, or anyone, must endure suffering. That knowledge is God’s alone. In the meantime, take hope from His own promise.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
ORD
, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Couples often feel spiritually estranged from one another when having marital problems. It is difficult to pray with your mate and experience spiritual oneness if there is discord between you.

• Prayer can be the one thing that can replace:
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  • Misunderstanding
    with clarity
    
  • Defensiveness
    with security
    
  • Blaming
    with acceptance
    
  • Self-interest
    with mutual interest
    
  • Power struggles
    with partnership
    
  • Isolation
    with intimacy
    
  • Anger
    with patience
    
  • Dissention
    with peace
    

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.” (Colossians 4:2)

Q
UESTION: “Why does God seem so distant when I’m lonely?”

A
NSWER:
It is natural to feel deep loneliness when you experience a difficult change or painful loss in your life. But if you indulge in self-pity and become angry at God for your circumstances, you will begin to feel estranged from Him and will fail to receive His loving comfort. You will also set yourself up to SIN by ...

Failure to accept responsibility for staying in the rut of your own negative thinking

Seeking to escape the pain of loneliness in your own way instead of seeking God

Failure to cultivate your relationship with God and others

“Come near to God and he will come near to you.” (James 4:8)

All people feel lonely at times, but the differences between men and women cause us to experience loneliness in different ways and for different reasons. Unmarried individuals and married couples whose relationships are crippled by loneliness are caught in the current cultural whirlwind of changing roles and misplaced expectations.

Relationship rules have changed. Men and women are floundering with no solid, biblical foundation on which to build a stable, secure relationship. They’re unable to build a bridge to one another that can withstand the pressures of a changing society.

What worked for our parents and grandparents does not easily work for couples in today’s culture. Many societal supports necessary for forming close family relationships, for building strong emotional bridges, have been discarded. Couples are finding it next to impossible to build something on nothing. Those who try often end up emotionally battered and bruised.

Having an understanding of the components leading to loneliness within these relationships can be helpful in trying to follow God’s blueprint for building emotional bridges between marriage partners.

In Genesis we learn that ...

“The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
(Genesis 2:23–24)

When God’s blueprint is not followed ...

• A woman typically ...
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  • Marries or lives with a boyfriend during her early to mid-twenties and begins feeling lonely in her late twenties
    
  • Becomes frustrated and agitated with her mate in her early to mid-thirties and is depressed in her forties
    
  • Considers her mate unable or unwilling to give her emotional support
    
  • Feels left out of her mate’s life and isolated from him even when in the same room together
    
  • Blames her mate for her loneliness
    
  • Seeks counseling for depression and/or anxiety
    
  • Feels isolated and somewhat estranged from other people, even close friends
    
  • Believes her loneliness will end if her mate was out of her life
    
  • Fantasizes about her mate dying and/or leaving her
    
  • Thinks no one really knows or understands her
    
  • Struggles with emotional exhaustion
    
  • Seeks to get her emotional relationship needs met through her children or friends