literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (9 page)

“That’s right. We were going to do that tomorrow but that’s fine. We can do this with the three of us.”

“Umm…Leigh? What exactly does ‘this’ entail? I didn’t know I was being drafted for another magical mystery tour,” Kelly skeptically asked.

“Here’s the deal. Hunter is an undercover furball this afternoon. I know he was just trying to ease my mind when he said there won’t be any danger, but after what happened at the grocery store with the mouse…I’m really worried. He’s a sitting duck out there.”

“Cat,” Lindsey interrupted.

“Huh?”

“A cat. You mean he’s a sitting cat. He didn’t have a duck outfit on,” Lindsey said in a deadpan voice. She was serious.

Kelly placed the palm of her hand on her face. “It’s just a figure of speech, Lindsey. A sitting duck means an easy target. But ‘a sitting cat’ does seem more appropriate.”

“Meow. Meow.” Luna was apparently all for the idea.

“Okay, sure. A sitting
cat
if you will.” I took a deep breath. “Anyway, I think Hunter may underestimate these criminals and overestimate the ability of the police to protect him. After all, it was really Gertie’s magic that whisked him into the store so he could knock out The Mouse. I want to go to the Furry convention and be there to protect him. The thing is, I don’t want him to know we’re there, we need costumes. Furry costumes. Any ideas?”

“Wait. Aren’t you overestimating
our
abilities? Just a tad bit?” Lindsey squeaked.

“I’m not saying that we’re going out to be Furry crusaders against crime. I just want to be in the area. We can be on the lookout for anything suspicious. Most importantly, if Hunter gets himself in trouble, we can use magic to help out.”

“Sounds kind of exciting to me, and I know just the place to get some Furry costumes. I can also get three police radios, that way we can hear what’s going on. These aren’t just scanners that have everything scrambled. These are the real deal,” Kelly volunteered.

“Isn’t that illegal? Where in the hell would you get those?” Lindsey asked in disbelief.

“Uncle Carmine?” I figured the old retired mobster would once again prove to be indispensable.

“Nope. Hamster Dick.” I’m not sure how Kelly managed to say that with a perfectly straight face, but she did.

“What? Who the
fuck
would go by the name Hamster Dick?” I was pretty sure Kelly was just being a smartass when she came up with Hamster Dick.

“Seriously, that’s his name. He’s an old friend of Uncle Carmine’s. He used to own a pet shop in the city. He specialized in the importation of pets that were more or less illegal to own in the United States. Monkeys, snakes, birds, lions, tigers, and bears—”

“Oh my! Sorry, Kell. I couldn’t help it. Go on.” I love that movie.

“Thank you for your maturity, Leigh. Anyway, you name it, he could get it.” Kelly said.

Lindsey was still hung up on the guy’s nickname. “So I’m guessing he had a really tiny penis? You know, to get the name Hamster Dick?”

“No, his name is actually Dick Sigonella. Since he ran that pet shop, they first used to call him Pet Shop Dick. He also had tons of hamsters in his shop and they reproduced like crazy. He liked to give them away to the kids in the neighborhood. You know, a little public outreach program of his own. Over time he became so well known for his hamsters, he became known as Hamster Dick.”

“Huh. That’s interesting.” You could almost see the smoke coming from Lindsey’s ears as she processed the information.

“Yeah, but never, ever joke about a hamster’s dick being small in reference to his name,” Kelly added.

“I bet! Probably end up in the Chicago River with a pair of concrete shoes. I’ll be sure not to insult his tiny penis.” I knew that this was pretty much one of those times when life really is stranger than fiction.

“No. He’ll whip out his dick and prove to you that he’s not called Hamster Dick because he’s lacking in size. The old creep is hung like a donkey, and he’s not shy about it. I guess it has been causing quite a disruption at the senior center.”

“Flashing the nurses?” I asked.

“Oh, not at all. The old nonnas, the grandmas, they have been actually fighting over the old man’s huge minchia.”

“Translation please!” Why does she always use words like this around me? She knows I haven’t the slightest fucking clue as to what any of it means.

“Sorry, minchia is Sicilian slang. It means shlong, cock.”

“Thanks for the very in depth lesson, Kelly. I’m afraid to meet the guy now. I feel like I know way more than I should.” Between the MFF dream discussion with Sybil and now Hamster Dick’s penis size with Kelly, I was so ready to be done with these types of conversations.

“Ah, don’t worry. I’ll make a call and we’ll get the radios from him.”

“Great, but what about the costumes?” Lindsey chimed in.

“Hamster Dick’s business partner owned a costume shop in that neighborhood, in the same building as a matter of fact. We’ll get them from him. I think it’s in the first floor right under Hamster Dick’s.”

“So what’s that guy’s name? Timmy Testicles? Benny Balls? Sammy Scrotum? What else could be right under Hamster Dick’s” I just couldn’t resist. It had to be some sort of jacked up name, right?

“No, Johnny Nipples, actually. And I have no idea why they call him that. I don’t intend to find out either,” Kelly said as she cupped her hands protectively over her breasts.

“Of course! Johnny Nipples. Why didn’t I think of that?” I laughed it off. It was time for me to be the leader. “Great! Now we’ll have to move quickly. Kelly, could you please make the calls and get our costumes and radios set up? Once we have that confirmed, I think we should use broom travel. The weather is great today and I am sure the street by the conference center will be closed off. It’ll be jammed packed with vendors and Furries going from the conference to the park. They estimate between six and seven thousand people will be visiting over the weekend. Crazy isn’t it? Who knew this was such a big thing?”

“I’ll call right away.” Kelly immediately picked up her phone.

“Sounds great to me,” Lindsey said in agreement.

“I really don’t think anything bad will happen, you guys. Who knows, we might have a lot of fun. We’ll call this Operation Fast and Furriest.” I really do love the titles I come up with!

Chapter Twelve

Furry Fever

Before we stepped foot into the building that housed Hamster Dick’s old pet shop and Johnny Nipples’ costume store, Kelly advised us of what to expect. “Remember, these guys are pretty old, but they still think and act like wise guys. So don’t ask them anything at all about their business. It pisses them off. Don’t be afraid, though. Like my Uncle Carmine, these guys were the sort of mobsters that got mostly involved in bid rigging schemes, or price fixing, maybe tax free cigarettes. That kind of stuff. They aren’t the coldblooded murdering types.”

“Welcome to my shop, ladies. They call me Hamster Dick. What can I do you for?” Hamster Dick was not at all like the nasty, trench coat wearing flasher I had imagined. He looked like he could be around seventy years old. His skin was permanently tanned and weathered like an old cowboy’s. The scarlet red running suit he wore seemed a little odd, but comfortable. It had a zip up front that he, more than likely, left unzipped to the center of his chest to showcase a bumper crop of curly white chest hair. The gold necklace that hung from his neck was lost in the furry mass. His full head of white hair was in a bouffant style—probably permanently fixed in position from decades of careful maintenance. This was what the old mobsters always looked like to me, not those guys in designer suits and handmade shoes that you see in movies.

“Hello, ladies, and they call me Johnny Nipples.” A whiskey rough voice rasped out. Johnny could have passed as a brother to Hamster Dick. The only difference was the blue running suit.

Kelly made the introductions. “Hello. These are my friends, Leigh Epstein and Lindsey Myska.”

“Good lookin’ crew you got there.” Hamster leaned within a few inches of Kelly’s face and tried very hard to speak in a whisper, “What’s da job? Armored car? Bank? Jewelry store?”

“You know I can’t tell you, Hamster. We don’t talk about these things.”

Hamster Dick let out a loud rolling laugh. “I wazz jes testin’ you. Jest testin’. Don’t blab to Carmine that I asked about it.”

“No problem, Hamster,” Kelly said.

“I got da things for ya and yer crew.” Johnny Nipples pointed to a heap of faux fur material. “They’re old, but they’re clean. Got a skunk wearin’ a fly fishin’ vest, a raccoon wit da cowboy’s hat, and a baby giraffe. Damn thing’s got a little baby bonnet on its head and a pacifier in the mouth. A pacifier! Ha ha ha.”

I imagined the three of us stumbling around like fuzzy fools and suddenly my entire plan for Operation Fast and Furriest seemed doomed.

Hamster Dick opened an old wooden chest and took out the radios. They were typical police radios that you see carried by every patrolman. Before he handed them to Kelly, he was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. “Listen. I have to tell you, Johnny and I haven’t been on a job in almost twenty years now. Twenty years! Sure, spendin’ my days playin’ cards and stickin’ old ladies with my salami isn’t too shabby of a deal…I just miss the excitement of the old days! Let us join your crew. Any job you need done, consider it done. You don’t even have to give us a cut. Whaddya say?”

I could tell that Kelly sympathized with the old guy. “Hamster, you know my Uncle Carmine is retired, just like you and Johnny. He just likes to get involved in a few things once in a while. The city isn’t like the old days when you guys ran the neighborhood. You can’t go back in time. You know, if you are looking for excitement, how about doing some traveling? Go see the world. I told Uncle Carmine the same thing. This job we’re doing, it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s more of a surveillance operation. I think it’d be pretty boring for you guys, but if I ever need some muscle, you guys are on the top of my list.” She gave Hamster a little kiss on the cheek and patted the other cheek with an open palm.

“Then, you call us anytime,” Hamster said and a gentle smile came across his face.

“That’s right. The capo, Carmine, he knows we’re here for the family.” He pointed a finger towards Lindsey and me. “And that includes youz guys,” Johnny added.

Hamster took one of the radios and gave us a quick demonstration. “Okay, ‘dis here is for the channel and ‘dis one’s the volume. Very simple. Just use them for listenin’ in. If you talk on ‘em, the cops will know right away you don’t belong on ‘da frequency. Remember it. Oh, and if youz ever need any
special
pets, I can get whatever youz wants. I also got me an exterminator business on ‘da side. For pests, I don’t do people no more.” Hamster laughed so loud that I wasn’t sure if he was joking or hiding the truth.

We gathered up the costumes and the radios and said our goodbyes. Once we left the building, we went around back to an alley and zapped ourselves back to my place. “I’ll be the skunk if that’s okay with you guys.” I thought the skunk was probably the cutest, but it didn’t matter that much to me. We were going to look pretty silly no matter what.

“Giraffe, please,” Lindsey said.

“Good because I was hoping for the raccoon. Now remember what Hamster Dick said about the radios. Listening only,” Kelly reminded us.

“Okay! I’m excited!” Lindsey was already suited up in the baby giraffe costume. “I wish Luke and Derek could be here.”

“I meant to ask you about them. What are they up to this weekend?” I asked.

“Working. Some rush construction job they got talked into helping out on. They weren’t planning to do any more work once classes started back up, but I guess they both could use the extra cash. This is their senior year of college, and I think they realize that they’ll need to start planning for life after graduation day.” Kelly finally got a look at Lindsey the baby giraffe. “Jesus! Who came up with that idea for a costume? It’s fucking creepy.”

“Sorry, Lindsey, you look like a yellow dinosaur that just ate a baby and threw it up.” I agreed with Kelly. “I hope this skunk costume looks cuter.” I stripped down to my bra and underwear and fumbled around until I had it on. “Okay guys. How do I look?”

Lindsey looked me over. “Like a skunk, but the ears are wrong.”

“What do you mean?” I flipped the ears up and down.

“Lindsey’s right. Skunks don’t have floppy ears. It’s disturbing actually.” Kelly was still trying to figure out the raccoon suit. She finally zipped it up. “Ta da! One raccoon” She straightened the hat and mocked Johnny Nipples voice, “wit’ ‘da cowboy’s hat.”

I was disappointed by the lack of cuteness. “Ugh. How old are these costumes? Because you look like road kill. We all do. Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re just trying to hide our identities. They don’t have to reflect our personalities.” I really tried to keep an open mind about the whole operation. Sure the costumes weren’t quite what I expected, but I wasn’t going to let that stop us. We could still do our job, even with a cuteness factor of negative ten.

“That’s good. Otherwise I would have asked for three jackass costumes,” Kelly muttered.

“Fur real,” Lindsey quipped. Yes, she said that.

Chapter Thirteen

Critter Chaos

“So, what do we do here? Just wander around?” Lindsey asked. “I’m looking for Hunter, but this place is packed with Furries.” Lindsey swatted at the big rubber pacifier that was sewn into the giraffe’s mouth. “This thing doesn’t look anything like a pacifier. It’s embarrassing. It looks like I’m choking on a douche bulb.”

“Be embarrassed by the fact that you’re walking around dressed as a giraffe wearing a diaper.” I scanned the sea of fur clad partiers that filled the street. “I’m looking for Hunter, too. I see dozens of cats, or cat-like costumes. I think we should try to find him and then hang around in that general area. That way if anything crazy starts happening, we will be there with our magic.”

“Hah!” Kelly threw her raccoon skin arms in the air to emphasize her point. “Anything crazy? Look around you, Leigh. I’m pretty sure we’re standing on the corner of Are-you-fucking-kidding-me Avenue and I-seriously-need-therapy-after-this-shit Boulevard.”