Limitless (Journey Series) (10 page)

I looked up at the stark white
ceiling, my mind racing with all of the different problems there could be. I
mean, I was officially a nurse now, you would think something would jump out at
me, but nothing did. This pregnancy had been pretty easy so far and I hadn’t
had any problems, maybe it had been too easy and I should have noticed something
sooner.

I laid there for what seemed like
hours being jostled around and poked by the doctor and two nurses. After the
final ultrasound, the nurses quietly left with somber expressions, and the
doctor sat down on the stool next to me.

“Leah, I’m sorry to have to be the
one to tell you this but the baby does not have a heartbeat. I’m not sure
exactly what happened but I’m assuming it has something to do with your cervix.
I ran a few tests and we should get the results in a matter of days…”

He kept droning on but I didn’t
hear any of it. I just knew, in that moment, I didn’t want to be alone. I
reached down for my purse and somehow in a blur of tears pulled my phone out.

“Chase, I need you.”

Chase

It had been almost a month since I
had gotten that dreaded call from Leah in the middle of the day. When she
hadn’t called for about an hour after her appointment, I had started to get
worried, and had set my phone on my desk, willing it to ring.

Of course, it didn’t help that
Brittany had stayed after class, scooting herself onto the edge of my desk, in
probably what was one of the shortest skirts I had ever seen. I had no clue how
she hadn’t gotten in trouble for it. She just made me nerves even worse,
putting me on edge that someone would walk in and assume the worst. So, I
quickly left my classroom and just as I did, my phone rang.

  For some reason, I had this
feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong with Leah and our
baby. Unfortunately, I was right.

I was there for her as much as I
could be. Unfortunately, because she had been so far along, labor had to be
induced and she was put through the experience of having to deliver our child.
When the doctor had pulled out the tiny baby, lifeless with no heartbeat, Leah
had squeezed her eyes tightly shut, refusing to look at the baby. I had held it
for just a minute, before they had taken it away. It had been a baby boy.

 She was shaken up after that, as
expected and let me comfort her for the first week, but after that she started
to push me away. She barely left our room and talked to no one. Ally and Remy
both called every day to check up on her, but she refused to talk to them.

Ally was worried, insisting that
she needed to come back, but I didn’t think it would do any good. Leah was in
her own little bubble right now, and no one could seem to be able to pop it. I
knew Ally was having a good time on tour and she was where she needed to be. I
had promised if there was any change in Leah’s mood, she would be the first one
I would call.

Caleb was confused by the whole
situation. After I realized that things weren’t getting any better, I called
Roy and he agreed to take Caleb to give Leah some time. If I had thought he
would’ve healed her, I would have kept him home, but she barely even noticed
when he was in the room.

I didn’t know what to do, plus I
had my own heartbreak to deal with. I know Leah had carried our baby, but it
had been a part of both of us, created by our love.

“Baby, I brought you something to
eat.” I flicked on the light, setting down the tray on the nightstand. She
blinked up at me, her eyes completely emotionless. “I’m not hungry.”

I let out a loud sigh and looked
down at her with my hands clenched tightly against my hips. I had tried to be
understanding, but it was starting to get harder. She could be so damn stubborn
sometimes. “Are you going to come with me today? Everyone’s been asking about
you. You know you can’t resist my mom’s cooking during the holidays.”

She shook her head and flopped back
down on the pillow, pulling the blankets straight up to her chin. “C’mon Leah,
everyone will miss you. It won’t be the same without you and Caleb there. It’s
Christmas.”

“You’re right it won’t be the same
without Caleb, one of the many reasons I don’t want to go. Please don’t push me
on this, Chase.”

“Leah, if you wanted him home you
should have said something. I thought it was for the best.”

“I know,” she answered quietly. “It
is, I’m not good for him and he’s where he should be. I just screw everything
up anyway.”

“Baby, you know that’s not true.
None of this was your fault.” I leaned down to kiss her but she pulled away and
rolled to her side, her back to me. “Just go Chase, have fun, tell everyone I
said hi.”

I sat there for a few minutes until
I heard the hum of her soft snores and quietly left the room, leaning up
against the door. I didn’t know how to fix her. I just wanted my old sarcastic,
stubborn girl back. I knew she was in there somewhere; somehow, I needed to
find her again.

“Hi honey,” my mom greeted me at
the door with a warm hug, looking over my shoulder with a small frown.
“Couldn’t convince her to come?”

I sighed when I stepped inside. I
wasn’t instantly greeted by my little sisters like usual. They were all quietly
sitting in the living room and I’m sure my mom had given them a warning before
I got here, just in case Leah had come along.

“Nope, I don’t know what to do with
her anymore, Mom. She doesn’t leave the house; she barely leaves our room. I
can tell she’s lost a ton of weight and she barely talks to me or anyone for
that matter.”

“Maybe I should try coming over
again, dear. She might just need a woman around right now. I know I never went
through something like that myself, but sometimes a motherly figure is just the
best to help out in that kind of situation.”

“You can try, but I don’t think
it’ll work.” I followed her into the kitchen, where the majority of the food
was spread out and my two older sisters, Amy and Katie, were putting the
finishing touches on things. My mom and Chris had come over right after it
happened, to comfort Leah and stock the house with food. She stayed with Caleb
the first night and then had taken him home with her for a sleepover with
Belle.

“Have you thought about counseling,
Chase?” Katie piped in, while grabbing a basket of rolls and setting it on the
dining room table. “I know I wasn’t as far along as Leah when I had my
miscarriage, but it helped. It would probably help her even more. Chad even
went with me a couple times and it helped him too. The woman isn’t always the only
one who suffers through these things, but they normally take it the hardest.” She
patted my back as I sat down at my seat and the table began to fill up.

“I can give you the number if you
want,” she added quietly. “Thanks Katie.” Truthfully, I didn’t know why I
hadn’t thought of it sooner. I know the doctor had suggested it right after it
happened, but neither one of us had a clear head at the time and I hadn’t
thought about it since.  Now I just had to convince Leah. That should be fun.

                                                                    
**********

The rest of my winter break off
from work went by quickly. I still hadn’t brought up the whole counseling thing
to Leah. I figured I would wait until I went back to work since I was home with
her every day. I had brought Caleb back home after Christmas and we kept each
other occupied since we still couldn’t pry Leah out of the bedroom.

“You excited to go back to your dad’s
house this weekend, buddy?” I was helping Caleb get dressed on the first
morning back to work. We were getting into a regular routine with Roy to where
Caleb was going there every other weekend and a couple of times during the
week. The two of them seemed to get along great.

“Yup, I love my room at Dad’s and
we always do something fun. I miss being here too. I miss you guys and Tootsie.
When do you think Mommy will start feeling better?” He looked at me with those
wide brown eyes that were so innocent and I really didn’t know how to answer
him. I wish I did. “I don’t know, dude, hopefully soon. I bet you miss having
her around, huh?”

He nodded his head and scooped up
his backpack. “I do, she’s so sad all the time. I try to make her feel better,
but it doesn’t work.”

“I know, bud.” I reached down to
rub his head and he followed me down the darkened hallway to the front door. I
paused outside our bedroom door, but thought better of it and kept walking.
Anytime I talked to Leah, I barely got a response and just seemed to piss her
off.

Leah

I tried to kill myself today or at
least, I think that’s what I was trying to do. I wasn’t brave enough to go
through with it. It happened when Chase and Caleb left the house. Chase had
come in to tell me that they were leaving; I don’t even remember where he said
they were going.

As soon as I heard his truck pull
out of the driveway, I walked towards the bathroom in a haze. My whole body
felt numb, like it had decided to turn itself off. When I placed my trembling
hands on either side of the vanity, I looked down and saw Chase’s razor perched
on the edge of the counter.

I robotically picked it up, like my
hands had a mind of their own, and pressed it to the sensitive skin on my
wrist, barely applying any pressure. It would be so easy just to end it all.
All of the pain I had been feeling would disappear and I would be at peace. The
small trickle of red running down my left wrist, brought me back to reality.

I couldn’t do that, no matter how
much pain I was in, I wouldn’t do that to the people around me. The people that
loved me so much. I wasn’t weak like my mother.

I grabbed a piece of tissue paper
and dabbed at the small amount of blood that had pooled on to my wrist. I
scrubbed at my face, looking back at the reflection in the mirror. I barely
recognized myself anymore. And what I had just done…that wasn’t me.

I climbed back into bed after I
cleaned myself up and rinsed Chase’s razor of the evidence of what I had
attempted. The emptiness in me was overwhelming, but somehow I squeezed my eyes
shut tight enough and fell asleep. This was the only time I was really able to
turn my brain off and it was a relief.

The house was quiet when I woke up
the next day. I glanced at the clock and saw it was just a little after noon.
This was Chase’s first day back to work and he had told me he was taking Caleb
to Mary’s house, even though I hadn’t even replied.

I had all of these different
emotions running through me and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be all right
again. I knew Chase was hurting too, but he didn’t understand how I felt.

 He couldn’t.

Although I had been scared at first
about being pregnant, it had really sunk in after a while and when I lost the
baby, it truly ripped me apart.

I thought for sure I had done
something wrong for it to happen. The doctor had explained otherwise telling me
that although it was rare to miscarry that late in your pregnancy, it can
sometimes happen.

And of course, it happened to me.
When was I ever going to get a break?

My phone rang as soon as I sat up
in bed and I groaned when Ally’s name popped up onto the screen. She had been
calling for weeks, but I had been avoiding her. Truthfully, I was a little
surprised that she hadn’t flown back and I think if I was being completely
honest with myself, I was a little hurt. I probably would have thrown her out,
but still. It’s the thought that counts, right?

I sighed and pushed the talk
button. “Hello?”

“Leah?” Her voice came out a pitch
higher than usual and I could tell she was surprised I answered. I had
surprised myself. “Yup, that would be me.”

“I know silly, I was just surprised
you answered. How are you? I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever. Of course,
Chase has been keeping me updated on everything, but I still miss your voice.”

“Ally, please don’t ask me how I
am, I truthfully don’t even know how to answer that question right now.”

“Alright, fine. If you want me to
act like everything is normal, then I will. How’s the job search going, putting
that degree to good use yet?”

I huffed out a breath, of course
she would ask that. “I think I would have to leave the house first in order to
start a search, so-”

“Well, okay. Always trying to be
difficult, aren’t you? The main reason why I was calling is that the guys are
playing in Las Vegas in two weeks and I demand your presence. I’m not taking no
for an answer.”

“But-”

“And before you try to interrupt
with some kind of excuse, let me remind you of all the IOU’s over the years
that have piled up. All the times I’ve watched the little man for you, not that
I minded, all of the girl talk sessions we’ve had, even the apartment we
shared. Clearly, you owe me and I’m cashing them in. This is important to me.”

“Ally, I haven’t even left the
house and here you want me to hop on a plane and fly to a city that’s crowded
with people. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Well, too bad. You have two weeks
to prepare yourself for this trip because you are coming,” she responded in a
bubbly voice. I wanted to reach right through the phone and smack some sense in
to her.

 Did she not know what I was going
through? Ally wasn’t an insensitive person normally, but right now, I kind of
hated her.  “I’ll see you then,” she added cheerfully when I didn’t respond.

She hung up the phone before I
could say anything else and I looked down at it blankly. Did I even agree to
that? I don’t think I had, but Ally tended to get things her way.

Well, not this time. Sorry Al, not
going to happen. Who did she think she was? I know she had been there for me in
the past but this time she wasn’t being the understanding Ally that I needed.
She had no idea what I was going through.