Life On the Refrigerator Door (4 page)

Claire

P. S. I love you

Things have happened so fast, Claire-Bear. I feel like I’ve lost control of everything and when I look at myself I don’t recognize who I am anymore. Is this what life is?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you. You’re only fifteen. I’ll make breakfast for you when I get back. I’ll be ten minutes.

Love,
Mom.

Claire,

Sorry, I forgot your allowance. It’s on the counter. There’s an extra 10 dollars with it, honey.

Love,
Mom.

James called. He said to call him.

xx
Mom.

Mom,

Am eating breakfast, but can’t find you. I’ll be in the yard.

I wrote this list for Dad and wrote a copy for you. BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED FOR IT!

Birthday List:
Books—I like Sylvia Plath
Makeup
Jewelry
iPod
Laptop instead of our ANCIENT desktop.
Clothes, or gift voucher for Isis …

Nearly sixteen!!!!

Mom!

Maybe Emma and James could come this weekend and perhaps I could ask some of my other friends too. Cheryl and Juliette and Alison and Ellie, maybe Jim, Sandy, and Jack? And maybe Michael too?????!!!!!!! We could hang out here and have a bar-be-que (HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT??? BAR B Q? BBQ?????)

What about Saturday? Are you up for it? Or we could all go to Dad’s and you could come and then you wouldn’t have to cook?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CLAIRE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Happy birthday my beautiful, brave daughter. I can hardly believe that it was sixteen years ago that you were a tiny, perfect baby. I remember hearing your first cry. You were a miracle.

Peter and I are in the yard. We’ll be having breakfast out here (he’ll only be having carrots and seeds probably—I’m having salmon on a bagel … I have an extra one for you …) What a beautiful summer we’re having.

Love you, birthday girl.
Mom.                          

Thanks for the breakfast and everything this morning, Mom. I love ALL MY PRESENTS! Best of all was seeing you outside.

That dress looked lovely on you.

Claire

Once chemo starts tomorrow, I won’t be going in the sun. Did you know that, darling? The sun reacts badly with the chemicals, apparently, so I’ve been sitting in the yard enjoying the sun on my skin for a little bit of this morning.

I can’t believe how many pills I have to take. And, worse, I’m not sure if chemotherapy is a good thing. Just the word makes it sound frightening.

Mom.

I’m sorry about this Saturday, Claire. I know you were looking forward to having your friends here. I feel terrible about it all.

Love,
Mom.

Don’t apologize, Mommy. I should be the one saying sorry. I wish I hadn’t given you such a hard time over Michael in the spring. Is it my fault? Is all this my fault?

Claire

It’s no one’s fault, Claire. It’s just how life is sometimes. Maybe it’s my fault for trying to protect you when your father and I divorced. I didn’t want you to ever see that the world can be a bad place, that life is difficult, that sometimes we can’t control our destinies.

This is not your fault, Claire. This is nobody’s fault. Sometimes there just isn’t anyone to blame.

We haven’t talked about Michael very much. I know you’re still seeing him. How is that going? I won’t be angry.

Love,
Mom.

—Emma called.

—We’re out of milk—money on the counter.
(With your allowance and your key—it was under the kitchen table.)

Hey Mom,

I’m worried that something’s wrong with me. My heart feels like it’s beating too fast. I feel like all the colors in the room have got more intense. I mean, blue is more blue somehow and red is more red, and yellow suddenly looks like the sun is shining. I don’t think I’m making much sense, sorry! I just have a funny sensation. It’s as if I’ve eaten too much food and my stomach is unpleasantly full. Writing it down is making me feel worse, actually. What’s wrong with me? Maybe I need to get out of the house?????

Do you want to go on vacation somewhere when the chemo’s finished? Not somewhere expensive, but maybe we could take the car (we could leave Peter with Dad) and we could just drive somewhere. Road trip girls …

Talking of Peter, his ear seems to be squashed up—has he hurt himself do you think?

Love and hugs,
Claire              

Claire,

What you were describing, that feeling, it sounds a bit like anxiety. We could take you to the doctor’s if you want. But, please don’t worry darling, everything’s going to be OK.

I can beat this thing.

And we’ll talk about a vacation later. I can’t think about that now. It would be like being at the end of a road when I haven’t driven along it yet.

Peter’s ear looks fine to me.

Love,
Mom.

Dear Claire,

My heart is all fluttery, like I’ve got a hummingbird trapped inside. I’ve gone to lie down.

Mom.

I’ve just remembered, your allowance was on the counter with the money for bread and milk the other day.

Are you still feeling anxious?

Mom.

James called. He said he’d try again later.

Love,
Mom.

Am with Emma. Back by 9:30.

xxx
Claire

Poor Claire,

It’s not been much of a summer vacation, has it? I’ll make it up to you. One day.

Mom.

I don’t need a summer vacation. I just want you to get better.

Love and hugs,
Claire              

Michael called. He can’t make it tonight.

Love,
Mom.

It’s so hot today, I’ve gone to lie down.

Love,
Mom.

Michael called. Call him when you get in. All OK?

Love,
Mom.

Kept a smile on my face all day to think of you dancing in the kitchen this morning, Claire. The edges of the grass are turning brown and poor Peter is gasping in the heat, but you’re cool and fresh and dancing.

Love,
Mom.

Hey Mom,

You looked so brave in the hospital. I wondered what it felt like to be you, what it felt like to have that stuff going into your body. I know it felt strange for me. I mean, you’re the one who’s the grown-up yet I was trying to look after you.

I didn’t tell you, but the nurse came to talk to me. She gave me a couple of books. We could read them together???

Love and hugs,
Claire              

Hi Claire,

Hope your first day in Grade 11 was great and that you and Emma have lots of classes together again this year. Leftover pasta and salad in the fridge, and I bought you a slice of cappuccino cake from the bakery as a special treat.

I had to lie down for a while.

Mom.

Hi Mom,

Gina and Nicole are coming over tonight to bring us dinner and they’ll do it every time we need it while the chemotherapy goes on so that you can rest. Gina asked me about it a couple of weeks ago and I told her we were managing. But, when she asked again, I thought it might be nice to have company.

Is that OK?

C

Fine.

Mom.

Is there anything you want, Mom? Write it down.

C

To feel better.

Mom.

I’ve been writing some poetry and Miss Manda liked it. I’ll show you some, if you like. And I feel less worried than I have done. I’ve gone out with Emma just for a short while. I’ll be back by 6 at the latest, promise!

Gina will be here before me. We’re having lasagna tonight. YAY!

Claire

How’s your arm feeling today, Mom? Should we call the hospital and ask them about it?

Love and hugs,
Claire              

Hi Claire,

I think I’m going to need a hat. Did you take that pretty blue one back in the end?

I’m lying down.

Mom.

Miss Manda said the school magazine will publish this one. Maybe I’d like to be a writer when I grow up.

Claire

I loved the poem, sweetheart.

I’m not feeling up to the drive today. I was fine this morning, but I’m worn down now.

Next batch tomorrow. I’m not sure I can bear it. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Mom.

—James called.

I’ll come with you.

Love you,
Claire       

I’m glad it’s not so hot, honey. I know you love the summer but it’s nice when the weather starts to turn … Soon the leaves will be in full color.

Your allowance is on the counter.

Mom.

It’s early in the morning, Claire, and I’ve been sitting here thinking for a long time. I’ve been thinking about you and me, and your father. It seems that since we separated, you’ve had to grow up a whole lot more than I ever gave you credit for. Think of all the shopping you’ve done, and cooking, and now you’re looking after me. I know Gina is helping, but, really, you’ve been so supportive to me and I wonder if I’ve done enough for you in the past.

Have I been a good mother? It’s the sort of question every mother wants to ask but often they don’t get the chance. Or they don’t dare.

I love you,
Mom.      

Mom

I don’t know what to say. You’re my mother and all I want is for you to get better. Perhaps I’m not as grown-up as you think.

I’m just taking a walk. Michael called and when I told him I was busy today he was disappointed so we’re going out for a bit. I’ll be back in time.

Love and hugs,
Claire              

MOM!

You should have waited for me. I was here in time! Now you’re at the hospital all alone and I’m stuck here climbing the walls.

I wish you’d stop and think sometimes. It doesn’t make it easier for me when you do stuff like this and I can’t even get mad at you because you’re sick.

I’m sitting with Peter in the yard.

Claire

Gina told me that she drove you home yesterday. She’s going to stay the night here tonight and I’m going to Dad’s. I think it’s a good idea.

I hope you’re feeling OK, Mom.

Claire

Gina told me that you went to the Rose Bush Store without me. She said they helped fit you for a bra and that she even heard you laugh. I’m staying at Dad’s again.

Claire

Hi, Mom,

I’m back from Dad’s. I realized when I got there, that I wasn’t handling this right.

I’m sleeping here tonight.

Love and hugs,
Claire              

Claire–Bear,

I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like I’m the only one in the world—like you don’t need me to be there for you, and that I don’t need you to be there with me. I do need you, darling, I’m just finding it hard to make the transition from being a single mother, a woman who relied on nobody for help, to a half-woman who needs her daughter to look after her.

The doctor gave me the details of a group of local women who have survived breast cancer, or who have it themselves still, like me, and Gina took me yesterday. You wouldn’t believe how many other women go through this, how many women who live round here have the same problems. One woman is only thirty and her daughter is six years old. She knows that she’s dying and she’s in despair. She held my hand and told me I had to be strong for you, that I have to include you. I held her thin fingers and she squeezed tightly. “Don’t waste time,” she said.

She’s right, Claire, I have to talk to you. I have to open myself up and I have to treat you like an adult. I’ve been holding back to keep you young and sunny and full of light, but I’ve been doing you a disservice. If I let you be a grown-up then you’ll be one, and I have to be able to do that.

I’ve been feeling very low and very frightened. I’ve been wondering what my life has been about. All those years I assumed I had to live my dreams, but it seems that those years are behind me now, that I’ve had my time and that I’ve wasted it somehow, that I’ve missed the point. I have you, my darling girl—having you has given my life meaning and joy beyond compare. But what about all the other things I wanted to do? I’ve never been to Africa. I’ve never read Proust. I’ve never learned to play the piano or even read music, those black blobs on the page that people can translate into beautiful sounds are a mystery to me and they may always be. I’ve never sky-dived, I’ve never seen the desert, I’ve never been fishing.

I know it’s not all bad news, and there is hope, but I have to let myself think about the alternative and when you smile and tell me broccoli and exercise I feel exhausted, simply exhausted. I’m not without hope, I’m just trying to think it all through.

I’m tired, really tired and I don’t feel very well today. I’ve told you as much as I can for now.

I love you,
Mom.       

Hi Mom,

There were a lot of things in your letter that I found hard to read. I wanted to read about all the things you HAVE done in your life but instead you wrote about things you haven’t. And I realized I hardly know about your life. What were you like when you were my age? What did you and Dad used to talk about? Where did you two meet? Did you only marry him because you were pregnant with me? Why did you two divorce? Has it been hard to bring me up alone?

All these questions are making me cry, Mom, and I don’t know why. Perhaps they’re opening up a world I’m only just starting to see the edges of. An adult world. It’s scary and I don’t like it.

Michael and I haven’t been getting on so well. He’s not as great as I thought he was. Don’t worry about me, but I think I’m going to break up with him. Emma agrees. She says he’s HORRIBLE and I should never have got back with him!

Love and hugs, Mommy,

C

Sometimes you look so much like my mother, Claire. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that.

The support meeting is this evening. I forgot to tell you at breakfast. I’ll heat up the casserole Nicole made and we’ll go together.

Did I answer all your questions?

Love,
Mom.

I think the idea of making a photo album is great, Mom. I didn’t know we had so many family photos!

Let’s start this evening.