Lex and Lu (14 page)

She stepped away from Pete, needing some distance. “I couldn’t, Pete. I couldn’t lie to him up close anymore.”

She sounded so defeated that Pete took pity on her. “So then don’t, Lu. Tell him. Free yourself, for God’s sake,” he responded rather vehemently. “This shit’s gone on long enough.”

Eyes floating with tears, Lu ran her hands through her hair, tucking it behind her ears. She couldn’t stop fidgeting. Pete took note and moved closer to her, grabbing her hands and stilling them.

“I’ve tried to stay out of this. But everything changed when my father died. He wanted Lex to know. I know he never said anything to you—he’d never pressure you, but it’s what he wanted. He’d always wanted that. I know he got outvoted all those years ago.” Pausing he continued holding her hands. He moved closer and captured her eyes with his. “You have to tell him.”

Lu yanked her hands out of his. “Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I don’t look at Nina every day and long for her to know him? What kind of person do you think I am? I thought you knew me.”

“Don’t do this, Lu. I know you, and I love you with all my heart. And I know what you want, deep down in here,” he said, placing his hand over his heart. “But, sweetheart, there’s no chance.” Before she could protest, he continued: “And I know you know that. But you slept with him, and you’ve been with him for two days, trying to hold on to that dream. You have to let it go. You have to tell him, and you have to give some of Nina to him. I know it’s scary. But it’s time.”

He drew her to his chest and wrapped his arms around her.

It felt just like he imagined it would feel. Blanketed in a constant feeling of impending doom, Pete held on to her. He knew he was on the verge of losing his brother. He’d been a part of the great conspiracy. As much as it would hurt for Lex to know of his betrayal, it would be worth it the moment he saw Lex with Nina. He’d sacrifice his relationship with Lex so that Lex could know his daughter. It was that simple. But he knew that today he’d be burying his uncomplicated, deep relationship with his brother just as he was burying his father and it left him feeling dizzy and immensely sad.

“Lu,” he said, “I want you to listen to what I’m about to say. I know you won’t want to hear this right now. So I’m asking that you put it away, lock it up somewhere where you can easily retrieve it when you’re ready to face it. Can you do that for me?”

He felt her take a big, deep, shuddering breath. “OK,” she answered weakly.

“For eight years, I’ve watched you be this amazing woman and mother. You’ve raised Nina to be a thoughtful, caring child. And you’ve still managed to achieve what you’ve needed to achieve with that crazy, big, powerful brain of yours. But you’ve held on to this childhood fantasy of you and Lex. It’s paralyzed you. You haven’t moved on.” He stopped, letting her digest what he said as he continued to hold and soothe her. “You are carrying a tremendous weight on your shoulders. When you let this go, when you tell Lex, you will be free. I know it’s going to take time, but you’ll heal and you’ll move on. And you’ll meet someone else who can make you happy.” He felt her stiffen in his arms. “The Lex you knew has been grown up for a long time. He looks familiar to you and he feels familiar and he’s safe because in your mind he’s that eighteen-year-old boy that you loved your whole life.” Pete pulled back from her but took her face in his hands. “The Lex I know is worldly and sophisticated. He’s rich and smart. He’s used to everyone around him catering to him. He would stomp on your tender heart. He wouldn’t mean to, but he would tear you apart.” He saw her flinch like he’d slapped her. “Let him go.”

He kissed her on the forehead and hugged her again.

He pulled away. “Lex is in the Sunday-school room. It’s the last room at the end of the hallway.”

She nodded. Still looking shell-shocked, she gave him a tremulous smile.

“I feel like I’m sending you into the lion’s den,” he said with a sad smile.

“You are,” she agreed, “but I’m the one who gave the lion his teeth.” With that, she turned and began her death march.

Pete watched her walk away, his heart heavy. When he felt Willa’s arms come around him, he leaned back into her, seeking comfort and warmth.

“How much did you hear?” he asked.

“Enough,” she said, hugging him harder. “I heard enough to know that you are amazing. And I want to fuck your brains out because the way that you love knocks the breath out of me.”

He laughed and turned in her arms. Grasping her face in his hands, much like he’d done with Lu only moments earlier, he kissed her quick and hard. “Let’s make sure we get to that tonight. I’m going to need that.”

As Lu walked away from Pete, her heart took a tumultuous tumble. She’d listened. She’d heard. She’d told herself the same things over and over again in her mind all day. After her confrontation with her parents and Jo she’d needed some time on her own. Setting up for the day had given her a task. She’d been helpful to everyone here except Lex. The one moment when she could fight his pull no longer she’d joined him in the pew and held his hand. They didn’t speak. They didn’t look at each other. But the exchange of communication in that touch had been meaningful—both helpful and destructive. It had been their one interaction, and when she’d walked away from him, she had been breathless and broken.

She had practiced in her head all day. She hadn’t gotten it right yet, but she’d told him about his daughter in a thousand different ways. Not one of them made any sense. Not one of them exonerated her in its retelling. She wasn’t sure if she should try to describe Nina or just introduce them and let him discover her for himself. She wanted to give him the high points. Tell him what she was good at, what her insecurities were, tell him that she’d tried to raise her like she thought they would have raised her together. She definitely hadn’t gotten it all right. What the hell had she known at eighteen about being a mother? But she was proud of Nina every day, so she felt she had gotten most of it right.

As she walked with a purpose, yet aimlessly, toward the Sunday-school room, she thought of Pete and what an incredible friend he was to her. She knew that he had taken it the hardest when the edict came down that Lex shouldn’t be told. He and Lex were tight. She also knew that he did everything he could to be there for Nina. He hadn’t missed an event, not even once he started medical school. But what he just did for her, telling her the cold, hard truth when she least wanted to hear it, ranked right up there with showing up for Nina’s Christmas play the year before, in the middle of exams, when she’d been one of forty sheep. His heart was so good. And he would be so good for Willa if she’d let him. Knowing that the two of them might be able to make a start from the ashes of her life made her feel like something good was coming from it.

She reached the Sunday-school room and paused as she reached for the door handle. She knew what she needed to do to help preserve Lex’s family. Fortifying her heart with her hopes for her daughter and Lex, she turned the knob and walked inside.

Lex turned away from the window when he heard the door open. He watched Lu approach, apprehension clearly written upon her face. Like a blinding light, anger scorched through him. Lex worked hard to keep the emotion, unlike anything he’d ever experienced, off of his face. It cost him a tremendous amount of effort. Anger was an alien emotion for him. So this blinding rage left him shaking, unsure of how to control it. It dawned on him that he was scared for Lu because he couldn’t find any balance.

He waited.

He watched as concern clouded her eyes, her eyebrows drawing together. She walked toward him. When she was directly in front of him, she reached out and touched his cheek. “Are you OK?” she asked.

Shaking, Lex grabbed her hand, drew it away from him and as gently as he could, he got her out of his direct line of vision. Moving past her, he went back to the window and looked out. Able to reign in some of his emotions when she wasn’t in his face, he tried to answer her calmly.

“Why wouldn’t I be OK?” he responded.

“You don’t look OK.”

Still facing the window, he said, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“You want to talk here?” she said, apprehension in her voice.

“We’re in a church. As good a place as any,” he said, a harsh laugh escaping. “This is where people come to confess their sins.”

“OK,” she said, drawing out the syllables. “Do you want to sit down?”

“I’m not sure that would be best right now, Lu. Tell me what you need to tell me.”

“Lex, I need you to come sit down and talk to me. Please.”

“Like I needed for you to look at me when we were fucking last night?” he asked scathingly as he turned toward her and blasted her with a look of pure hatred.

Lu jerked back.

He started walking toward her. He didn’t feel in control of anything that was happening. His anger was dictating this show. He wanted to hurt her. He wanted her wounded, like he was wounded. He watched fear begin to crowd her face and it made him happy. Stalking across the room to where she sat on the chairs he and Caroline had abandoned, Lex stopped directly in front of her.

“Stand up!” he demanded.

Lu’s blue eyes bulged with disbelief.

“You already know, don’t you?” she asked, finding her voice.

“Know what?” Lex asked, deceptively calm although he felt anything but. “What do I already know?” He reached down with both hands, slipping them around her arms like manacles. He pulled her to her feet. He managed to restrain his anger. He didn’t want to hurt her, but suddenly he wanted her. He knew it was dangerous, with his rage bubbling up within him, but seeing her, being in the same room with her, continued to make him want to take her.

Lu continued to eye him warily as he moved her backwards toward the wall. When they reached it, he leaned forward and nipped her by her ear. “What do I know, Lu?” he said raggedly in her ear, sending shivers of apprehension and desire through them both.

“Lex, please stop. We need to talk.”

“I’m waiting for you to talk, baby,” he said as he continued to hold her by the arms and explore her neck with his mouth.

“Lex, I can’t have this conversation with you doing that.” She tried to move away from him, but he wouldn’t let her. “Lex! Stop it. You’re scaring me!”

He jerked his head up and his eyes blazed into hers. He released her. But he could see that she was flushed with desire, that she wanted him. Even though she’d betrayed him all these years, she wanted him and he wanted her. And still he felt that relentless drive to hurt her. Not touching her, he leaned down and said low, close to her ear, “You want me. Like I want you. I can see it. Your underwear are probably soaking wet. Aren’t they?”

She shook her head vigorously, but they both knew she was lying.

“Should I check?” he asked, dropping to his knees in front of her. “Since the cat seems to have your tongue.” He smiled.

He ran his hands up her leg but she clamped her thighs shut.

He laughed. “Come on, Lu. You so want this.” Relentlessly, he moved his hand up, forcing her legs to part until he found what he was looking for. He groaned. “Fuck, Lu.” He moved her panties aside and plunged two fingers inside of her and she cried out. He knew he had her when she spread her legs, allowing him greater access. He didn’t look at her. He stared at the wall behind her, trying to keep everything in check. He was seething, but all of his energy was with her, in what he was doing to her. He pushed her to the limit and right as she was about to clench around him, he pulled out of her.

“That’s right,” he said, not in his sweet lover-like voice from the night before but in a driven, hard voice that Lu had never heard before. “You don’t like to look at me when you come, do you?” He turned her around toward the wall.

Lu knew she should protest, but somehow she thought that this was what he needed, and she was prepared to sacrifice a lot to be there for him. He could feel that in her. He knew she was allowing this because she wanted to put off telling him. So he drove her on, punishing her for her weakness. Before she realized what was happening, he was inside of her. He thrusted into her, not thinking of anything other than exacting some type of revenge for the hurt she was about to inflict on him. He finished quickly, his rage carrying him onward, driving him into her in a relentless rhythm. He reached around her, touched her intimately just once, and she shattered. As he held her while she climaxed, his eye was drawn once more to the picture of Jesus rising from the dead. It was at that moment, with a clarity that astounded him, that he saw the irony. He had just died inside.