Letting Go (Vice, Virtue & Video) (4 page)

“Hand me the remote,” James says before he grabs a few
fries.

I hand it to him and scoop up a big spoonful of my sundae.

We went back to his room for the night, and we couldn’t
decide on what we wanted to do for dinner, so we ordered room service. I had
pasta, and a big hot fudge sundae. He got a burger and fries, and what can only
be labeled a “slab” of chocolate cake. I’m sure it cost a fortune, since
everything on the menu was ridiculously marked up, but he insisted we pig out
on fattening food and relax.

Now we’re sitting on the bed with our trays of food. We’ve
both changed into pajamas—shorts and a t-shirt for me, and only a pair of
gray boxer briefs for him. I’ve managed to go for an hour without looking at
his abs or his pecs, and I’m pretty proud of that.

“Wanna watch something on pay-per-view?” he asks, flipping
through the menu on the TV.

“Are you going to try to get me to watch porn again?” I
joke, hoping that’s not what he had in mind.

“Do you want to watch porn again?” he mischievously asks. “I
bet they have one of my movies on here.”

“Yeah, right!” I roll my eyes.

Sure enough, he highlights a choice on the adult listings.
“I was in this one. I have a scene with two girls in a hot tub.”

“We are not watching it!” I insist.

Last time we were together, he semi-dared me to watch one of
his scenes. It was weird to see him on the job, and it was also weird that I
found it kind of sexy. After we watched part of it, he persuaded me to let him give
me my first blissfully mind-blowing orgasm—so I guess everything about
that night was pretty strange. I refuse to think about it right now, though. I
know what James can do to me, and how much I like it, but I will not let my
mind go there.

“Can’t we just watch something normal? Something where I
don’t have to see your dick?”

He laughs hard, but nods his head. “Hey, you don’t have to
watch a movie to see it. I’ll whip it out for you whenever you want.”

“James!” I blush crimson and cover my face with my hands.

“You want it, Lola?” he teases, scooting the food aside and pushing
me back on the bed.

He grabs my wrists and pins them next to my ears as I giggle
uncontrollably.

“You want it, babe, and I’ll give it to you,” he says in a
cartoonishly exaggerated sexy whisper. “I’ll give it to you all night long!”

He presses his lips to the side of my neck and blows a raspberry
before he lets go of one wrist and reaches down to my ribs, mercilessly
tickling me. I’m laughing and squirming when I feel him run his nose along my
neck. When his lips touch me again, it’s with a soft kiss.

I close my eyes as a trail of kisses make a path up the side
of my throat. Before I can get too lost in it, he presses his forehead to my
neck and sighs. He lifts off of me and shakes his head to himself.

“Sorry,” he murmurs.

“It’s okay,” I reply, sitting up and putting my arm around
him. “It doesn’t bother me. It’s no big deal.”

“Yeah.” He sounds unsure, and he turns his head to avoid
looking at me.

This is the part that sucks about sexual tension with your
best friend: the awkward moment when you both realize it’s a bad idea and have
to try to backtrack into platonic territory.

“Will you give me a hug?” I ask, trying to be sweet. I don’t
want him to withdraw just because of a couple neck kisses.

He puts his hand on the back of my head, pulling me in to
kiss my forehead before he wraps his arms around me.

When I look at him again, he’s got a semi-shy smile on his
face. He doesn’t say anything, just looks me over for a moment. It’s not
sexual; it’s appreciative. There’s a hint of longing, but also a slight tinge
of sadness.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him.

“Nothing.” He shakes his head.

“Seriously, James,” I say, moving my tray and scooting
closer to him on the bed. “You’ve been doing this since my sociology class.
You’re trying to hide it, but I can see it in your eyes. What’s bumming you out?”

He pauses and sighs. “I just…I don’t know. I mean, you seem
so happy here, and you have tons of friends. You’re doing well in school; guys
are noticing you. You’re becoming this mature, independent, ambitious woman.”

“And that bums you out?” I ask quizzically.

“No, no,” he backtracks. “I’m happy for you. I really am. I
think it’s great that your life’s taking off.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

His brow furrows like he’s conflicted. It’s like he can’t
think of what to say, like he’s worried about treading lightly. He’s rarely
secretive with me, and I wish he’d open up. Something is clearly on his mind, but
I’m sure I could make him feel better if he’d just share it with me.

“After college, are you going to stay out here, or do you
think you’ll move back home?” he asks, dodging my question.

“Um, I haven’t really thought about it. I guess I’ll go
wherever I can get a job.”

“You could come to LA,” he volunteers. “I’m sure you could
find some kind of work out there.”

“LA is pretty expensive, James,” I say. “If I get some
crappy, entry-level position, I don't know that I could afford it out there.”

“You could live with me.” There’s immense sincerity in his
eyes when he looks at me.

“In your one-bedroom apartment?” I ask, a bit taken aback by
this suggestion.

“Yeah. Or I could get a bigger place for us.”

“But…how would that even work out?”

“Just like how it is right now.” He opens his arms,
motioning to the surroundings. “We could hang out every day. I’d make you
dinner. We could sleep next to each other every night. You’d live rent-free,
and I’d pay for everything—”

“It’s not about that, James.”

“I’m just saying,” he mumbles, averting his eyes like he’s afraid
to keep looking at me. “If you moved in with me, we wouldn’t ever be so far
apart again.”

Now it’s clearer why I keep catching glimpses of that wistful
look.

“We wouldn’t have to get on a plane to see each other,” he
continues, desperately trying to mask his nervous vulnerability. “We’d be able
to spend more time together. We’d be close again, how we were before.”

“Oh, James,” I softly reply, reaching out to put my palm on
his cheek. “We’ll always be close, no matter how many miles apart we might be.”

He holds my hand to his cheek and kisses the inside of my
wrist before timidly looking into my eyes. “I just miss you like crazy. I don’t
want to be so far away anymore,” he says. “If you get some job across the
country from me, I feel like I won’t ever see you…and I can’t
not
see
you, Lo. You’re like a vital organ at this point.”

I can see him fighting it, but he’s laying his feelings out
there. Clearly, he doesn’t want to confess some of this stuff, but he has to
face it.

“Your life is so promising. You’re going to do so much.
You’re going to move on to bigger and better things, but I won’t ever have
anything bigger or better than what I have with you.”

Wow! This is really raw. He’s poring his heart out. I brush
my fingers through his hair and smile, looking into his eyes.

“I want you to grow, but…I care about you so much…I don’t
want you to leave me behind.”

“Never, James,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around him.

He sighs into my neck and tightly embraces me.

“You’re stuck with me,” I say, trying to lighten his mood.
“This friendship is for life. You’re never going to shake me now.”

When I pull back from the hug, he’s smiling. I move to sit
on his lap, straddling him while I fold my hands behind his neck. He holds onto
my hips and gazes into my eyes. I can see the reassurance, the comfort my words
have provided.

His mouth tenses and he swallows roughly. There’s something
he wants to say, something on the tip of his tongue. I can see him trying to
work up the courage to say it. Instead, he leans forward, pressing his forehead
to mine as he exhales.

“God, I become a total fuckin’ pussy when I’m around you,”
he jokes, swallowing back whatever was on his mind.

I laugh and kiss his cheek, hugging him again. “I make you
go soft, huh?”

“Well—” he looks down at his crotch “—I
definitely wouldn't say you make me go soft.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head.

“Will you let me spoon with you tonight?” he asks with an
adorable grin.

“Sure.”

“Good. I sleep better like that.”

“You sleep better when you spoon me?”

“Yeah. I have to be touching you to get any kind of really
restful sleep,” he says like it’s a scientific fact. “It’s like taking an
Ambien…or smoking a ton of weed.”

I laugh, but I have to admit that it makes me feel pretty
good to hear that. I completely understand where he’s coming from. Sleeping
next to him seems to make me relax a lot more than sleeping alone.

“Do you want the rest of that sundae?” he asks, glancing at
the bowl.

“Please have the rest! I’m so full,” I reply, moving off his
lap and taking the bowl from the tray. “It’s getting a little melty, but
there’s some left.”

“I don’t mind,” he says. I hand him the spoon and he has the
last remaining non-melted bites. “You wanna pick a movie?”

“Sure.” I take the remote and flip through the selections
before settling on a comedy.

He puts all the dishes outside the door and then hops back
into bed, putting his arm around me and tucking me into his side.

I totally identify with his fear for the future, because I
love this too. I can’t imagine what it would be like if moments like this were
few and far between. I look up at him, kiss him on the cheek and turn my
attention back to the TV.

Lola only had one class this morning, so we decided to take
a walk around the city. It’s my first time visiting, and I wanted to check out
all the historical shit. She’s been all blushy today because I keep taking pictures
of her. I’m making her stand by all the famous landmarks and statues, and she
looks super cute when she shyly poses. I think she’s a little bit flattered.
I’m just happy because I’ll have photographic evidence to back up these great
memories.

Even better than this little touristy outing is the fact
that she’s letting me hold her hand the entire time. I’m extra affectionate
with her, and she seems to like it. It makes me feel like she really cares
about me, like she wants to touch me just as much as I need to touch her.

It’s also kind of cool because I’ve seen some other guys
looking at her, but they seem to understand that she’s not up for grabs when I
take her hand or kiss her forehead and stuff. To most people on the street, it
would look like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Normally I keep my flings on
the DL, but I kind of like people making romantic assumptions about me and
Lola. She might not believe it, but her affection is a badge of honor for me.

We’re walking down the street when I suddenly stop.

“What?” she asks curiously.

“Stand right there for a sec,” I instruct, pointing to a
spot against a historic-looking brick building.

She goes over to where I pointed and crosses her arms,
knowing this is another photo op.

I take out my iPhone and start taking pics. She playfully
pouts in the first few, but soon she’s laughing and looking adorably bashful.

“Blow me a kiss,” I suggest, grinning over the screen at her.

She giggles, but blows an exaggerated kiss at me.

“God, that’s fuckin’ beautiful,” I sigh to myself.

She’s batting her eyes at me again—I’m not sure if
it’s a flirty thing or just a cute Lola thing. I swear, there’s got to be at
least some part of her that knows this is sexy, but it’s just so hard to tell
if she’s really aware of it.

“Let’s take one together,” she says.

“Okay.” I move over, putting my arm around her and holding
out my phone. I line up the shot and tap the button, hearing the shutter sound.
“Another one, just in case that one sucked,” I say.

In this one, she leans in, nuzzling her forehead under my
chin. I can smell her hair, and I inhale to take it all in.

“Last one.” I align the phone again. This time, just before
I tap the button, I press my lips to her cheek, giving her a big kiss. “That
one’s gonna come out nice,” I say as she blushes.

When I flip through the pictures, I feel a wave of
happiness. The way she leans into me, the way she smiles, the way she’s
completely fuckin’ beaming in the last one…it just makes me feel so good. This
girl deeply cares for me. I’m in her heart. I’ve infiltrated. It doesn’t matter
if she goes on to do amazing things—which I know she will—because
this bond can never be broken. I’m fuckin’ crazy about her, so that’s very
reassuring.

After out little tour, we go back to her dorm. Kate isn’t
there, so we get comfortable and chill out. She’s propped up against the wall
on some pillows, and I’m lying across the bed with my head on her lap. I’ve got
my phone, and we’re swiping through the pics and chatting. We get to the end of
today’s pics, and the next one that comes up is one of my co-stars looking up
at me mid-blowjob.

“Aw! James!” Lola says, quickly covering her eyes. “Why the
fuck do you have that on your phone?”

I laugh loudly and swipe to a safer picture. “Chill out.
It’s sort of work-related. We were fooling around at her house and we decided
to take some pics.”

“Yeah, because you don’t have enough footage of you getting
your dick sucked.” She shakes her head, but she’s still got an amused look on
her face.

“Come on, Lo! Is there such a thing as
too much
footage of me getting my dick sucked?” I joke.

I put my phone back in my pocket, and she leans back farther
against the wall, covering her face with her hands.

“Another relaxing day filled with unexpected penis,” she
sighs.

I completely crack up, turning onto my side to look at her
better. She’s too cute: pink and giggly and sweet as can be. That’s true
beauty, the kind that just shines out from the inside. Nobody has that quite
like Lola. She’s perfect, legitimately perfect.

I smile up at her, but my eyes start to wander down her
body. She fuckin’ radiates gorgeousness. I don’t want to stare at her
tits—even though they’re certainly very eye-catching—so I try to
look down to avoid getting busted for checking her out. The unfortunate part of
that decision is that I end up at eye level with her zipper. I feel like I have
Superman’s x-ray vision and I can see her panties through her jeans…and the
fuckin’ paradise that lies beneath her panties.

“Hey, eyes up here!” she playfully reprimands me, snapping
her fingers.

“Sorry.” I chuckle, trying not to look too guilty.

“Were you just staring at my crotch?” She raises her eyebrow
accusatorially.

“No.”

“Bullshit!”

“All right, fine. I might have glanced at it.”

“You are like an animal during mating season sometimes! You
can’t be within six inches of a vagina without switching into sex mode.” She
rolls her eyes, but she’s giggling, so I know she’s not actually mad.

I grin up at her. “Sorry that I’m so captivated by your
dainty little vagina.”

“Oh, my God!” She erupts in loud laughter, throwing her head
back.

I nudge her legs open and rest my cheek on her thigh,
staring right at what I consider to be heaven on earth. “Sorry that I think
it’s so…exquisite.”

“You’re terrible!”

“Sorry that it’s my fuckin’ favorite part of your body,” I
tease. The last few words are muffled because I press my face between her legs.

“James!” she squeals, shoving me back as she loses it with laughter.

I grin up at her and wink.

“So that’s your favorite, huh?” she says, still giggling.
“My tits have taken a backseat?”

“Damn! Good point,” I remark. “Okay, it’s a tie.”

“Honestly, I just don’t see how vaginas could have such
staggering drawing power.” She makes a very played-up scoff as she looks down
at me.

“The drawing power of your vagina is on par with a black
hole. I’ve crossed the event horizon, and I’ll never be heard from again.”

“I don’t know that I like having my vagina compared to a
black hole.”

“Just gravitation-wise,” I clarify, much to her amusement. “’Cause
I know that thing’s tight, baby.”

“Oh. My. God!” She smacks my shoulder. “You are so filthy!”

“And you are so cute when you’re blushing,” I retort. “I say
something nasty to you, and I get to look at that pretty pink on your cheeks.
If it’s really, really nasty, I bet I could get you to turn nice and pink
somewhere else, too.”

She looks down at me and tries to look mad before she gives
me another little shove. “Shut up,” she says sweetly.

I kiss her knee and sit up, throwing my arm around her. She
pretends to look annoyed, but she leans into me and cuddles into my side.
My
cupcake!