Letting go of Grace (15 page)

THAT NIGHT I LIE AWAKE
in bed coercing myself into sleep. Today definitely did not turn out like I thought it would, but then again I guess my birthday wish came true. I look over at my door and wonder if Grant will try to sneak in here. I have Grant, Shane, and Annie staying with me for a few days until this whole thing calms down. I told Grant he had to sleep in the office. I’m not ready for the kids to see me date anyone yet because I’m not sure how they will handle it. They know Grant is my friend and they seem OK with that, so I’ll play it by ear, for now.

I start to think about Chase and wonder why my mind is playing tricks on me. It felt so real. He felt so real. Exhausted,I lie back on my pillow and let sleep take me. I have been doing much better in the sleep department. I stopped dreaming of all the bad things that happened and I started to dream about all the good times with Chase. I’m still not sure which is harder to dream about. All the good times we had, only to wake up knowing it’s all over or the day I lost him. Either way you flip the coin, it still sucks.

The next morning I hop out of bed I and head straight to the kitchen. I can smell coffee and I can hear Grant and Shane talking. I don’t eavesdrop on them, I just simply walk right into the kitchen seeking some much needed caffeine. I smile when I spot a cup of tea on the counter with my name all over it.

“I was going to bring it up to you,” Grant says, rising out of his seat. He walks over and gives me a big hug and a soft kiss on the top of my head.

“Good morning sleeping beauty,” Shane greets, walking over and giving me the same affection Grant just did. I let out a giggle.

“Good morning,” I sing, then plant my butt down on one of the chairs at the table.

“What would you like for breakfast?” Shane asks.

“I have a great bakery down the street,” I offer.

“No, I think I’ll make breakfast,” he replies, smiling.

“Is that safe?” I tease, grinning back at him.

“How dare you imply my culinary skill are lacking,” he jokes, trying to look offended. I can’t help the laugh that spills out of me.

“I never implied anything, What do you specialize in?” I inquire as I cock my eyebrow him.

“Pancakes and French toast. I looked in the fridge and cabinets and you have everything to make both, so what would the kids like more?” I smile at him. He’s always thinking about the kids.

“Pancakes. Hunter will want chocolate chip and Ella will want blueberry.” I stand up and walk over to the freezer to take the blueberries out.

“This isn’t a diner, you know.” I turn around to look at Shane, my mouth in a huge smirk.

“Yes it is, when you have kids you will realize it’s easier to please them sometimes, then listen to them whine.” I turn back around and start taking everything out he’ll need to make the pancakes. Shane gets up and starts making them in a flash. Within minutes the kids are in the kitchen observing all the hustle and bustle in the kitchen. Hunter comes up behind me and grabs my leg for a hug. I turn around and scoop him up.

“Hey bud, how did you sleep?” I look him over and I can tell he doesn’t know what to think of seeing Grant and Shane in the kitchen. Ella on the other hand has made herself at home next to Grant. I watch her ask him for chocolate milk and he gets up to make it. This makes me smile.

“It was OK, Mommy,” he says, then leans into my ear.

“What are they doing here?” he whispers. I smile at him as I place him in his chair at the table.

“There was an accident yesterday and they needed somewhere to stay. They might be here for a few days, buddy.” He nods his head at me.

“You remember Grant right?” I whisper and he nods again.

“Do you want some chocolate milk, Hunter?” Grant asks as he opens another cabinet looking for cups. Shane opens the next one motioning to him that they are in that one.

“Yes please,” Hunter whispers.

“Spiderman or Batman?” Grant asks holding out the two cups.

“Batman,” Hunter blurts in a happy tone.

“Good choice, Batman is my favorite too,” Grant replies smiling. He gives Ella the choice between two different cups as he and Shane begin a discussion on why Batman is cooler than Spiderman. Shane is clearly on the Spiderman side and Hunter starts to laugh at their silly argument.

“Pancakes are ready,” Shane shouts with two plates in his hand. He places down blueberry pancakes in front of Hunter and chocolate chip ones in front of Ella. I hear them both huff out a breath of air, but don’t complain. Shane quickly switches the plates and smiles come to their faces.

“Thank you,” they shout in unison.

“So, Hannah, what kind do you want?” Shane asks looking over at me.

“Whatever, I’m not picky.” Grant takes my cup and makes me more tea and I am grateful for that because it’s my favorite. I look at my watch and consider going to the hospital to see how the rest of them are doing.

“I was thinking about going to the hospital in a little while. What time are you guys going?”

“I am leaving in a little while. Annie can stay and watch the kids if you want? I just have to go and wake her up; this baby is sucking all the energy out of her. I have never seen her sleep so much,” Shane says as he flips a pancake.

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m dropping them off at my parents’ house.” I glance at the clock and decide to call them. Shane places my pancakes down in front of me and I devour them while I chat with my mom. I fill her in on all the drama, dancing around some words while the kids are at the table. I don’t need them to start worrying about things beyond their control. Hell, it’s even beyond my control. Grant starts to clean up our breakfast so I make a beeline to the shower after offering to help him. He seems to be relaxed today as he putts around the kitchen making himself right at home.

After I’m already, I get the kids ready so we can head out the door. I study Gran who is at the kitchen table with his laptop in front of him.

“You want to come along?” I ask.

“Nah, I’m going to go up later. I have a lot of stuff to iron out.” He looks up at me and I can tell he wants to get up and kiss me, but I shake my head and look over at the kids.

“I’ll see you later then. Oh here.” I stride over to the basket on the counter and pull out a spare key.

“Take this, and lock up if you leave.” I toss it to him and he catches it with one hand.

“Bye.” I stroll by him and brush my hand threw his messy hair.

“Bye guys.” Grant gets up and walks us to the door closing it behind us.

I drop the kids off then make the drive over to the hospital. I wonder how everyone is doing today? As I play all the different scenarios over in my head I find myself parking in the lot and getting out of the truck. I have slipped into autopilot on the drive over. I go through the motions without realizing. I find it scary sometimes when I get to a place and have no recollection of how I got there. Did I stop at all the lights? I don’t remember, but I thank God I got here in one piece.

I stroll straight to Richard’s office to see how everyone is doing. I find him still in the same clothes as yesterday and his face looks drained.

“Hey Richard. Rough night?” I ask as I sit in the chair in front of him.

“Night from hell, more like it,” he murmurs, taking his glasses off and rubbing between his eyes.

“So how is everyone?”

“John is in the ICU burn unit with his girlfriend. Aiden just got moved into a room. He was a mess. Punctured a lung, his appendix ruptured, he broke his clavicle in three spots, and about every one of his ribs. Everyone else is stable and should be discharged tomorrow.” A doleful look appears on my face. Sadness fills me causing my heart to ache. He could have died. Picturing him lying there bruised, his body in great agony… My poor Aiden. I shake my head to snap myself out of my torment. My Aiden. My Aiden. I keep repeating it to myself. What the hell is wrong with me? He’s not mine. Richard moves and I snap my head up, giving him my undivided attention. He looks down at papers on his desk and I feel a bit of relief wash over me. No one died, that’s all that matters.

“What floor is Aiden on?” Richard glances up at me.

“Fourth floor. By the way, Grant called in private security to be outside of everyone’s room.” I nod my head. It doesn’t surprise me that Grant is taking every precaution possible. I just wonder why all of this happened in the first place?

“O-OK, I’m going to check on all of them, I’ll see you later?” I stammer. I survey his face and realize Chase looked the same way under stress.

“Maybe. I want to get out of here and sleep for a while.”

“You should.” I rise out of my seat and head to Aiden’s room. My heart begins to pound and I slow my breathing to get myself prepared for what I will see.

As I make my way out of the elevator and down the hall, I can tell which room is his by the big security guard standing outside his door. I stop in front of him and he glowers at me like I have a gun.

“Hello, my name is Hannah Winterfield. I’m a PA here. I’m here to see Aiden.” I show him my hospital ID then go to step towards the door, but he blocks me.

“Mrs. Winterfield, Aiden has requested no visitors.” He gives me a hard look, his mouth set in a thin scowl.

“Can you let him know I’m here?” I gaze past him at the door.

“Sorry ma’am, but he specifically said he didn’t want to see you.” This time I meet his gaze with an equal look of hatred.

“Excuse me? I think there has been some kind of mistake.”

“Unless you’re not Hannah Winterfield, I don’t believe there has been.” His face a blank canvas, he says the words with no emotion whatsoever. I feel my fists clench at my sides. My body shudders with annoyance and displeasure. I want to throw a fit over his indignation, but I keep my cool. I pull out my cell and call Shane who I know is on the other side of the door.

“Hello,” he answers in a carefree voice.

“Why doesn’t Aiden want to see me?” I spit out.

“Wait. What? Why would you think that?”

“Let me see, because I’m standing outside his door and the guard won’t let me in.”

“Hold on a minute.” I hear muffled sounds and then I see the door open. The guard sidesteps and lets Shane out. It gives me enough time to push through and lock the door behind me. I can hear commotion in the hall, but I know Shane will save my ass.

I walk over to Aiden’s bed and he is looking out the window ignoring me. He is bruised but still beautiful. I continue to the chair next to his bed and sit down. He immediately closes his eyes, letting out a harsh breath.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” I whisper. I get no response and it breaks my heart.

“Aiden?”

“Stop.” He cuts me off.

“Stop what?”

“This. I’m not doing this, not with you.” He opens his eyes, and the rage in them makes me sit back in the chair. He looks away from me again. I want to reach my hand out to touch him, but his words burn me. Irritation rises though my body.

“And what is “this” Aiden?” I question.

“You fucking with me Hannah, you always walk right in and mess me the fuck up. I can’t do it. I can’t be your friend, not when you wouldn’t accept me as your lover. You chose Grant again, and he couldn’t wait to rub it in my face.”

“Aiden, I…” I go to touch his hand and he moves it before I can touch it. I flinch back, hurt at his reaction.

“No, Hannah, just fucking stop, will you? For once, just fucking stop. I don’t need your acts of kindness anymore. I can’t fall in love with you anymore than I have. I’m not what you want. I get it.” I feel the hot stream of tears falling down my face. I hurt him again without realizing it. He let his guard down with me and I always leave him. I start to panic on the inside. Should I have chosen him? He needs me and I know I need him. Why do I always get in the middle of them? Why can’t I make up my mind for once and for all? I feel such a pull with each of them. Slowly I rise from the chair and sit on the edge of his bed and attempt to reach for his hand. He doesn’t let me.

“Aiden, I’m not going anywhere. If you need me, I’ll be here. I’m not giving up on you, I never have. I need to keep you in my life, and I won’t stop till you agree. We can be friends, Aiden, we just have to try. I’ll be back tomorrow and I would appreciate it if you let your guard know because I don’t need to fight him every day,” I say with determination. He finally looks at me and I see his eyes are glassy. I grab his hand softly and he lets me. The clouds still sit in his eyes, but I know I have broken down a small wall. Maybe tomorrow he will let me in and we can repair this relationship. I’m not ready to give up on him and what we had.

“Goodbye, Hannah” The tone of his voice makes me think he is finally saying goodbye to me for the last time. Oh no, not if I can help it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Aiden,” I manage to whisper in a faint goodbye as I stand up and I rest his hand back down.

“Get some rest.” I know I have to break our eye contact, but I don’t want to. He looks away first so I head for the door. I stand at the door, turning back to him. I’m still greeted my his back. “I’m sorry,” I mouth. I don’t want to go back out there and deal with the guard, but I know I have to. I swing the door open and Shane stares at me wide-eyed.