Letters to Katie (33 page)

Katherine leaned back in the seat and smiled. When she and her sisters were younger,
their father would take them for evening drives. At the time she thought it was her
father’s way of rewarding all of them for good behavior. She found out later it was
more to give their mother a break from three little girls.

But the reason didn’t matter. Katherine cherished those drives together, watching
the landscape pass by as their father, with an almost saintly patience, answered their
questions about everything they could think of.

Yet right now she valued the quiet. The past couple of days, since she’d seen Johnny
and talked with her mother, had been difficult. She tried to keep her mind off everything
by working on a baby quilt she had started before she’d gotten sick. Bekah had to
remind her who it was for. Although it had only been a little more than a week since
she lost her memory, Katherine had accepted that she probably wouldn’t get it back.
And she realized her father was right—it didn’t make a difference. The present counted,
as did the future.

She’d also made some decisions during that time alone with her quilt, praying as she
stitched. If she wasn’t meant to marry, her heart would eventually heal. God would
fill her with something else. A yearning she didn’t know she had, and one that would
be in accordance with God’s will.

Wasn’t that what she should have prayed for all along? Not for Johnny to love her,
or for her to let him go. But for God’s will to reign in her life. Her selfish desires
had caused her to neglect Him.

“You feeling okay?” her father asked as he directed the buggy down Hayes Road.

“I’m fine.” At his dubious look she added, “Really, I am.”

“I believe you. You seem more peaceful than I’ve seen you in a long time.”

“I am. You were right about the memories. They don’t matter. Just like
Mamm
was right about Johnny.”

“So you don’t think he matters?”

“A part of me will always care for him,
Daed
. But I think I’ve finally reached the point where I can let him
geh
.”

“I see.” Her father didn’t say anything else. He had no reaction at all, even when
they pulled into Johnny’s driveway.

“What are we doing here?”

Her father brought the horse to a halt. “I’m giving you the chance to let him
geh
. But hear him out first. And really listen to him, Katherine, before you make your
final decision.”

She heard the squeak of a door hinge. Johnny came out on the sagging front porch,
his hands clasped behind his back. He wasn’t wearing a hat, and he had suspenders
on over his light green shirt. She hadn’t seen him wear suspenders in a long time,
other than church. She turned to her father.

“I suppose you’re not coming inside?”

“Nope.”

“Does
Mamm
know you did this?”

“Nope.” He smirked. “But she will. Eventually. Now get out. John’s waiting for you.”

Katherine couldn’t move. Her stomach roiled, and her body was a jangle of sharp nerves.
She wasn’t prepared for this. Her mother had orchestrated things so she wouldn’t have
to see him again, other than at church functions, where he’d always made it a point
to avoid her in the past. The idea of letting him go seemed easier that way. She hadn’t
thought she’d have to do it face-to-face.

“Katherine.”

She couldn’t ignore her father’s command. She stepped out of the buggy and looked
at Johnny. Her father turned the horse and pulled out of the driveway. Hopefully he
would be back soon; she didn’t intend to stay here long. The buggy rolled down the
street, and the
clip-clop
of the horse’s hooves disappeared in the distance before she’d taken a single step.

Johnny walked toward her. He put his hands in his pockets. When he reached her, he
stopped a few feet away. “
Danki
for coming.”

“I didn’t have much choice.” She blurted out the words, and for once didn’t care.
“
Mei daed
didn’t tell me he was bringing me here.”

“Would you have come if he had?”

She looked away, willing herself to say no. Instead, she said the truth. “I don’t
know.”

“Can we
geh
inside? I want to talk to you.”

“Maybe we should just talk out here.”

“Can we compromise? Sit on the front porch at least?”

“Do you think it will hold us?”

He gave her slender frame a once-over, then smiled. “I’m pretty sure it will.” He
rushed to the house and went inside as she headed for the porch. By the time she reached
the top step he’d brought out two very worn kitchen chairs. He set them down and gestured
to one.

She sat down and looked at the front yard. She frowned.

“What is it?”

“I’m trying to picture a horse farm.”

“And you can’t?”

“Not right now.”

He stared at the peeling porch boards. “Yeah, it takes a lot of imagination.” Then
he grinned. “But I found an investor.”

“You did?”

“
Ya
. Soon enough I’ll have the funds to do whatever I want with this place.”

“Like raise horses?”

“And other things.”

“Is that really what you want?” she asked.

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You need to be sure, don’t you think?”

“That doesn’t matter right now.” He looked at her intently, making her heart flutter.
“I know you don’t trust me. I’ve been terrible to you over the years, and I’m sorry.”
He turned in the chair, shortening the distance between them. “But I meant what I
said the other day. I care about you.”

She threaded her fingers together. “If it’s out of guilt, you can let that
geh
. You don’t have to feel guilty about arguing with me.”

“Arguing? What are you talking about?”

“
Mamm
said we were arguing in the living room right before I passed out. It doesn’t matter
what we were fighting about. I realize I probably won’t get my memories back from
that time. I’m okay with that. I remember what’s important.”

“But we weren’t fighting.”

She frowned. “We weren’t?”

He shook his head. “I can see why your
mamm
might have thought we were. I’d stopped by to give you the bag you left at my
haus
. And I had promised myself I was going to tell you the truth. To finally be honest
about my feelings for you.”

“And?”

“And—well, I told you. Then you fainted.” He smiled ruefully. “Wasn’t exactly the
reaction I was expecting. But you were really sick.”

“
Mei mamm
said you upset me.”

“I thought I might have.” He shrugged and stared at the porch again. “I probably did.”

“But since I don’t remember, we’ll never know.” She sighed. “Johnny. Look at me.”

He turned, his expression the most serious she’d ever seen. “I’ve loved you for years,
Johnny. You ignored me for almost as long.”

He swallowed, his eyes turning glassy. “I know. And there’s only one reason for it.
I’ve been a coward. You put me on a pedestal so high, I was afraid of falling off.”

She drew back. “So it’s
mei
fault?”

“Nee.”
He rubbed his forehead with his palm. “That’s not what I mean. I didn’t think I was
worthy of you. You deserve so much more than me.”

She couldn’t believe he was saying this. “Why would you think that?”

“Because I’m nothing special.” He shrugged. “I’m not saying that because I feel sorry
for myself, or because I’m fishing for compliments. It’s the truth.”

“You really believe that?”

“I’m just a simple
mann
.” He took her hands in his. “I’m sorry I took you for granted. I assumed you would
always be there whenever I got my act together. But you became sick, and I realized
I could lose you. And that Isaac guy showed up at the diner that day. I could see
you were moving on. You had a right to. But things are different now.”

“How?”

“I have this place.” He gestured to the farm. “A way to make a
gut
living. I’m ready to settle down. With you.”

“Johnny.” She pulled her hands from his. “I appreciate you telling me this.”

His face fell. “Appreciate?”

“I’m glad you finally told me.”

“But?”

She crossed her arms. “This doesn’t change anything.”

He gaped. “It doesn’t?”

“I’m different, Johnny. I don’t know if it’s because of the illness or just me finally
understanding what I’ve been missing. I thought if you loved me, if we were together,
then everything in
mei
life would be
perfekt
. I put
mei
faith in you.”

“And I failed.”

“It was an unfair burden. I wasn’t putting my faith in God. All
mei
prayers were centered around you. Either asking Him to make you love me, or asking
Him to make me fall out of love with you. Not once did I ask Him what His will was.
Or what He wanted me to do for Him.” She looked at him. “It was all about me, Johnny.
It wasn’t even about you.”

He got up, paced across the porch, then returned and sat down in the chair. “What
does that mean for us?”

“It means we have to let
geh
of each other. For
gut
.”

Johnny’s heart ached at Katherine’s words. He had her within reach. Now she wanted
him to let her go. Not because she was angry with him, or because she had found someone
else.

Because of God. The last thing he expected. “It doesn’t have to be like this,” he
pleaded. “Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.”

“
Ya
, it does.” She stood. “This isn’t the time for us.”

He shot up from the chair. “God told you that?”

“He didn’t have to. I’ve always put you first in my life, in my thoughts, in my heart.
It’s time for me to do that with God.” Her gaze was so bittersweet it tore at his
heart.

“So you’re saying we’ll never have a chance?”

“Only if it’s God’s will.” She stepped down from the porch steps.

He watched as she walked away. He fought for a way to change her mind. But the words
wouldn’t come. They couldn’t, because he knew she was right.

Yet he didn’t want it to end like this. “Can I at least drive you home?”

She shook her head. “I’ll walk.”

She was determined. And he didn’t follow her. Even though his heart lay bleeding in
his hands, he stayed rooted to the porch.

He wouldn’t beg. Wouldn’t try to manipulate her. Because she was doing something that
made him fall in love with her even more.

She was becoming a woman of God.

“I can’t believe you went behind
mei
back, Thomas.”

Thomas sat on the cedar hope chest at the end of their bed and watched Margaret’s
nostrils flare, as they always did when she was upset. And she was hopping mad right
now. He’d expected it. And this talk was long overdue.

“You were being unfair to the
bu
,” he said. “You know that.”

Margaret whirled around. “Exactly when was he fair to our
dochder
? He’s done
nix
but hurt her. And what do you do? Drop her off at his doorstep when she’s most vulnerable.”

“She seemed fine to me.”

“She lost her memory!”

Thomas patted the empty space next to him. “Margaret. Sit down.”

She crossed her arms. Gave him her hardest look, then plopped beside him.

“We have to accept that Katherine may never regain that time she lost. But she’s going
to be all right.”

“As long as she stays away from Johnny.”

“He’s made plenty of mistakes, that’s for sure.” Thomas took her hand. “I did too,
if you remember.”

She looked away. “I hadn’t thought about that in a long time.”

“Because you forgave me for being a
dummkopf
.”

“We were sixteen. It wasn’t like we were engaged. You could see whoever you wanted.”

“But I still hurt you. You wouldn’t talk to me for weeks after I started dating other
maed
.” He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. “But you forgave me when I apologized.”

She sighed. “I know where you’re going with this.”