Chapter Thirty-Four
I told myself it was good to be back at school with my friends. I didn’t stick out any more like I had in Carver. I fit in again and I was going about my daily life, trying to forget Alex and what a coward I was being by running from my problems. It had been almost a month since Jesse went back to Kansas and I missed him. It had been harder than I’d expected to say goodbye to him at the airport. I’d hugged him tightly and the look in his eyes before he left broke my heart. I watched as my best friend turned from me and walked into the airport, not knowing if I’d ever see him again. Once the doors had closed behind him, I’d quickly got back into the car, driving away from the departure terminal faster than I probably should have. I was lucky one of Massachusetts’ finest didn’t pull me over.
Each night since he’d left, I looked forward to my
chats with Jesse. He’d gone back to school too, but he didn’t talk about it much, insisting there wasn’t much to talk about. He did finally reveal that Alex and Adrienne were a couple again and surprisingly, it didn’t bother me. They deserved each other.
While I tried convincing myself I was happy to be back in my comfort zone, I began to look at my classmates and my school differently. Everything that had seemed so normal before my time in Kansas now seemed too uptight and way too serious. It really hit me when I looked around one
cold morning and saw half the student body carrying Styrofoam Dunkin Donuts cups filled with coffee. Before I moved to Kansas I hadn’t given it a second thought, but now I found it almost comical. Teenagers drinking coffee. It seemed pretentious and it made me laugh and miss my friends back in Kansas. Not because they were simpletons, as I’d once thought, but because they were fun without all the hang-ups of my classmates in Boston. They were good people and I missed them.
I was leaning against my l
ocker one morning when I felt a text come through in my pocket. I pulled my phone out and saw a video message from Jesse waiting. I flipped it open and burst out laughing when I saw a video of Mr. Barry leaning back in his chair, sound asleep, as snoring, that sounded more like a chainsaw, filled the air. “
I sure wish you were here to see this one, Riley. Miss you.”
Jesse was whispering into the phone as he shot the video and I smiled thinking how much I missed him. It was nice to hear his voice too.
“What’s so funny?” Natasha interrupted.
“It’s nothing,” I said, shutting my phone and putting it away.
“You’re grinning
like a fool,” she continued.
“It was just a funny video Jesse sent me,” I told her and Natasha nodded, seeming to forget about it and continuing the conversation she’d been having with Courtney. I reached back into my pocket for my ph
one and wrote to Jesse.
Thanks. I needed that laugh. Miss you too.
As I put the phone away again I wished I could be there in Constitution with Jesse, laughing and joking at a snoozing Mr. Barry. I’d only been back a little while, but I was starting to wonder if I’d made the wrong choice in coming back. Jesse was right. I was a coward and I was suffering for it now. Alex was living his life exactly the way he wanted while I had let him chase me away. I couldn’t believe I would ever
miss Carver, but I was starting to realize I did. I missed the town itself and I missed my family and my friends.
****
“Dad? Can I talk to you?” I asked that night after dinner. I had just finished loading the dishwasher and he’d come in from the living room, where he and Robin were watching the news, to get an ice cream sandwich from the freezer.
“Sure,” he said
, sitting down at the counter while he unwrapped his dessert. I sat down next to him, not knowing how I was going to broach the subject that had been brewing in my gut all day.
“What is it, Riley?” he asked after a few moments of silence and
he seemed to be annoyed I was keeping him from his TV
“I’ve been doing a lot of thin
king,” I began and he chuckled.
“That could be dangerous.”
“Ha ha, Dad,” I said sarcastically. “But this is serious.”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. What
have you been thinking about?”
“Carver,” I said and hesitated before continuing. “And
how I think I should go back.”
He put his ice cream sandwich on the counter and looked over to me. I didn’t know how to read his expression.
“Excuse me?” he finally said.
“I shouldn’t have come back to Boston. I should’ve stayed and faced my problems instead of running away.”
“I thought you hated it there. Isn’t that why you begged to come home?”
“I did hate it there…at first, but it grew on me and I was happy…until the thing with Alex. I miss my friends
though and I think I wanna go back.”
“Riley,” he sighed. “You can’t just hop back and forth between Carver and Boston whenever you have a problem.”
“I know I can’t and I won’t. It was stupid of me to even come here. I made a bad decision and I tried running from the consequences. I let Alex determine my life and I shouldn’t have done that. He already took enough from me.”
My dad sighed again and I knew he wasn’t happy. His ice cream sandwich was beginning to melt on the counter and I knew he’d completely forgotten about it.
“You need to really think about what you’re saying. You need to make sure you’re making the right decision for you. Not only the you right now, but the you in a month or in a year, because I’ll tell you one thing, you won’t be running back here again if you go back and things don’t work out, so you’d better be sure.”
I
stared at him and I was angry.
“Dad, I didn’t want to
run
here,” I said defensively. “But I didn’t know what else to do. This wasn’t easy for me. It was awful. I’ve never felt so lost in my life. This is all so embarrassing. I never wanted you to know what happened. I’m sorry,” I said as my voice cracked.
“I don’t want you to get upset
, Riley. I just want you to think about this.”
I realized I was glaring at him, but then I felt my face
soften.
“I have thought about it, I swear,” I said
, looking seriously at him. “What happened with Alex…it was one of the worst days of my life,” I said and I felt tears brewing in my eyes as I thought back on it. “You weren’t there, so you have no idea what it was like. I was humiliated and I just wanted to run away. It was stupid though. Running doesn’t do anything. I get that now. I thought coming back would make it all go away, but it won’t. I love it here and I love my friends, but I love it in Carver too and I wanna go back.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say tho
se words,” he chuckled lightly.
“Me either. I was so angry at Mom for moving there at first. I hated her and I was so mean to her. I mean, I was really awful. I’m sure she never told you how bad I really was,” I said
regretfully, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I was terrible and she did nothing to deserve it and then I just took off and ran away and left her there. I need to go back and tell her how sorry I am. I need to be there with her. I want to be there with her.”
He w
as nodding as if he understood.
“
You’re so much like your mother sometimes, it’s scary,” he said with a smile. “That’s probably why you two butt heads so much. And you do need to apologize. Your mother’s a good woman,” he said and I couldn’t help wondering to myself if he thought that about her, then why had they ever gotten divorced. I knew I couldn’t ask though. That was the past and nothing was going to change what had happened between my parents, just as nothing would change what had happened with Alex. I could only learn from the past and move on.
“She
is
a good person and I need to finally show her I think that,” I said and then the kitchen was quiet as my dad finally picked up the melting ice cream sandwich. He grabbed a napkin and wiped up the mess it’d left on the counter.
“You’re sure abou
t this then?” he finally asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. I want to go back,” I said without hesitation and then waited for his response as my heart was pounding in my chest.
“Okay,” he said finally and I sighed in relief.
“Thanks for being so understanding
, Dad. You and Mom both. I didn’t mean to cause so much drama or have you go to all this expense just so I could run away.”
“We’re parents. That’s what we do,” he said with a smile, which quickly turned into a smirk. “But, about the expense. You will be paying me back for this return flight to Kansas.”
I just smiled at him and then stood up and walked over and hugged him.
Chapter
Thirty-Five
Even though I knew I wanted to go back to Carver, leaving Boston wasn’t easy. When I told Natasha and Courtney, they thought I was crazy and pleaded with me to regain my senses and forget about Kansas. It didn’t work though and we all cried again, just as we had when I’d left the first time, but they both vowed to come visit me in Kansas, which made me laugh. I hoped they would come so they could see what I was finally seeing in Carver.
Saying goodbye to my dad was easier because of the talk we’d had when I told him I was going back. That had basically been our farewell, but I still cried when we hugged at the airport. It was even bittersweet saying goodbye to Robin. I’d thought she was an enemy for so long, but the
time I’d spent back in Boston helped me realize she wasn’t. I thought perhaps, had I stayed, we could’ve been friends
The flights back t
o Kansas were uneventful, but I started to get anxious when I felt the plane begin its decent into the Wichita airport. It didn’t take long and a few minutes later, it was on the ground. Unlike when I’d landed in Atlanta, the taxi to the gate was short, seeing how Mid-Continent was just a speck when it came to airports.
When I
stepped off the jet way it was a stunning difference between both Boston and Atlanta, which had been teaming with activity. The terminal in Wichita, however, seemed almost asleep and only a small group of passengers were waiting for a Frontier Airlines flight to Denver at the gate next to ours. Other than that, it appeared deserted. It was beyond obvious I wasn’t in Boston anymore and as I looked out the large windows that lined the airport, my eyes focused on the flat plains. I smiled and I was okay that this wasn’t Boston and I was glad to be back.
I knew my mom and my
grandma would be waiting for me just outside the terminal. I wondered how it would feel to see them again. I could tell my mom had been trying to control her emotions when I told her I was coming back. I knew she wanted me to come back, but I knew she was also worried. Despite this though, nothing could ease my nerves as I thought about seeing my mom again. I had so much to say to her.
I
walked through the security area and down a ramp and saw my mom standing there, with my grandmother sitting in a chair next to her. My mom was smiling. Not too widely, more like she was relieved to be seeing me again
A few moments later, she had her arms around me and I had to force myself not to cry. It felt right being here in h
er embrace.
My grandma grabbed me
as soon as my mom let go and I put my arms around her soft frame.
“I knew you couldn’t stay away,”
my grandma said in her comforting voice. Even though I hadn’t been gone that long, I’d missed them both so much.
“C’mon. Let’s get your bags and go home,” my mom said and I thought I saw her wipe her eyes.
****
The drive back to
Carver was quiet and didn’t take as long as I remembered. When we pulled up to the old white farmhouse, I felt a sense of normalcy wash over me, like this was where I was meant to be. I helped my grandma out of the car and then my mom took her by the elbow and led her up the stairs while I grabbed my two suitcases from the trunk. I dragged them up the stairs one by one and then set them inside, shutting the door behind me. I took a moment to look around the living room. It felt like I’d been gone a lifetime and I was happy to be home.
“Are you hungry
, Riley?” my grandma called from the kitchen
“A little,” I answered as I pulled the first suitcase to the base of the stairs. My lack of upper body strength would require I make two trips to my bedroom.
“I’ll make up some sandwiches then,” she said as she walked slowly to the refrigerator and began pulling out cold cuts and cheese.
“Thanks. I’ll be right back,” I said as I started lugging the suitcase up the stairs. Halfway up, I heard my mom behind me. I turned and saw she was dragging the other one
up.
“You didn’t have to do that. I’d have gotten it,
” I told her.
“It’s okay. You looked
like you could use some help.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly with a smile and it was already obvious our relationship had completely changed. The tension was practically non-existent and a mutual respect flowed between us. This was how it should’ve always been. This is how it would’ve been had I not been
such a brat and been determined to push her away.
I flicked on the lights once I reached my room and smiled when the ultramarine walls greeted me. The old quilt was still covering my bed and there was still a hint of the musty smell I’d first noticed when I moved in. It had bothered me then, but now I found it comforting.
My mom brought the second suitcase in and then without saying anything, we went back downstairs to where my grandma was finishing the sandwiches. We sat down at the table and a moment later, she gave us each a plate before sitting down herself. It was peaceful around the table. We hadn’t sat like this many times. I’d always been upset about something when it came to my mom, even when I had no reason to be. There was always some kind of drama, but there wasn’t any now, which was impressive, considering what had transpired between us.
“This is good
, Grandma. Thanks,” I told her.
“You’re welcome,” she said smiling and reaching across the table to pat the top of my hand. “It’s been lonely around here without you.
Too quiet. I got used to you and your friends traipsing in and out.”
“Well, I’m back and I’ll be sure to be extra noisy for you,” I said
as I took a bite.
“Good,” she said
with a warm smile and we were quiet as we finished our sandwiches.
“I’m going to go unpack and s
tart some laundry,” I told them when we were done cleaning up.
When I walked into my room, i
t felt good to be back. I had barely thought of Alex since Jesse showed up at my dad’s house. I’d be lying if I said I was okay with what he had done or that I’d forgiven him. I definitely wasn’t okay and I would probably never forgive him, but as I looked around at the purple-blue walls, I knew I was already on my way to being okay again. I knew the person who’d helped me paint these four walls was playing a huge role in that healing. The void he left was obvious and if I could, I would’ve kicked myself for not seeing how special he was before I’d gotten into the mess I’d found myself in. Had he not come to Boston and shown me what I was missing, I would’ve stayed there and festered in my grief, feeling sorry for myself and letting it take over me. But, he had come after me and I loved him for that. I couldn’t wait to see Jesse again. I hadn’t told him I was coming back. I wanted to surprise him, just as he’d surprised me in Boston. For all he knew, I was still there and he was probably waiting for my nightly phone call.
I flung one of the suitcases onto the bed and u
nzipped it. I began taking the clothes out and hanging them back up in the closet next to the clothes I’d left behind when there was a light knock on the doorframe. I turned to see my mom.
“Hey,” I said.
“Need some help?” she asked and even though I’d known instantly when I returned that things had changed between us in a positive way, I knew she was still going to be cautious around me. I didn’t blame her. I’d been so awful and I’d worked hard to push her away. When she spoke to me, her voice was hesitant and careful and I knew she was treading lightly. I had to take care of this. I couldn’t let her go through this anymore. I’d already caused her too much pain.
“
I could definitely use some help,” I said, giving her the best smile I could that would show her I wanted her around.
She stepped inside the room and began
hanging clothes with me. We worked quietly and soon the suitcase was empty. I zipped it closed and set it on the floor. My mom was reaching for the second one when I stopped her.
“Can we talk?” I asked and she froze just as her hand was resting on the handle of the suitcase.
“Sure,” she said and removed her hand, taking a seat on the bed.
I looked at her sitting on the mattress, waiting for me to begi
n. She looked up at me with her soft blue eyes. Her blonde hair was hanging freely to her shoulders and she looked so slight and defenseless. It killed me that I’d been so mean to the one person who had always been there for me and had never let me down. I started crying before I could speak and she stood up and wrapped me in her arms.
“I am so s
orry,” I sobbed as she held me.
“It’s okay,” she said s
oftly as she stroked my hair.
I tried my best to pull myself together, but being back with my mom wa
s making that nearly impossible. I’d hurt her and I’d been hurt and it had all come to a climax now, but in her arms, I knew everything was okay.
“I’m so sorry,” I
said again.
She led me to the bed and we sat down side by side
. She held onto my hand and waited until I caught my breath and dried my eyes.
“There is no excuse for how I treated you
, Mom,” I said, my voice quiet and ashamed. “I am so sorry and if I could take it all back I would. I wanted to hate you so badly for bringing me here. I think I did hate you at times and I hate myself for that. You never deserved what I said to you and how I acted and I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
I saw her eyes grow moist and she wiped th
em before the tears could fall.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
“I never wanted to hurt you, but I did.”
“It’s alright. I forgive you.”
“You shouldn’t. I was terrible and then I just took off and ran away from my problems when I brought it on myself.”
“I do forgive you
. I’ll always forgive you,” she said, patting my hand gently. “And you need to forgive yourself. Not just about us, but also with everything that’s happened.”
I looked over to her and she was staring at me seriously. She was right. I did need to forgive myself. While I knew this, it was going to take some time before I might actually be able to do so.
“You
need
to forgive yourself,” she repeated.
“That might take a while,” I admitted and she knew I wasn’t ready y
et, but was willing to try, even if it might take some time.
“I’m glad you decided to come back,” she said
, squeezing my hand.
“Me too.
I never should’ve left though. It was stupid.”
“I don’t think it was stupid. You thought you needed to go and to be honest, I don’t blame you,” she said supportively.
“I just had to get away. I’ve never been so hurt in my life.”
“And I’ve never hurt so much for you,” she said softly. “There was nothing I could do to make it better and you won’t understand this until you’re a mother, but there’s no worse feeling than not being able to help your child.”
Her face was plastered with concern and I realized then that even though I was hurting, she was hurting too, maybe even more. She’d been hurting the whole time, not just when Alex had tossed me aside after he was done with me. She’d been hurting when she made the decision to move us here, even though I knew now it was the best thing for us. She’d been hurting when I pushed her away and blamed her for every bad thing in my life, and yet she would forgive me, because she always did.
“You’ve helped me so much
, Mom. You don’t even know,” I said seriously and she smiled and it was such a relief to know our relationship was on the mend and would probably be better than it’d ever been. And then I decided to be brave and ask her the question I’d been dying to know the answer to since she told me we were moving to Kansas. I thought maybe she’d tell me now, after everything that had happened. “I want to ask you something,” I said nervously.
“What’s that?”
“Why’d we come here? Why’d you want to come back so badly?”
Her face seemed to drop and she was quiet as she thought. It seemed like I waited forever for her to answer, but she finally did.
“I just felt it was the place we needed to be,” she said simply and I smiled as she continued talking. “I wanted you to know your family. I wanted you to see where I came from. I didn’t do a very good job of that when you were growing up.”
“Why not?
I’ve always wondered about that. Why didn’t we come back here more often or why didn’t Grandma call more?”
“There’s a lot you don’t know, Riley. I thought I wa
s too good for Carver. I was ashamed of it, of where I came from, especially once I moved to Boston for college and met your father. But, I’ve come to realize it’s full of good people and I wanted you to know that,” she said and I couldn’t help but think how similar I was to my mom. From the moment I stepped foot in Carver, I’d thought I was above it. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Carver was too good for me. “After your father and I got divorced, I realized how much time I’d wasted and I wanted to change that. I wanted you to experience the goodness of Carver before you left for college. I wanted you with me. I know that was selfish.” She looked up at me, sad and regretful. “I’ve always been very good at pushing my parents away and I’ve missed so much. I missed out on time with my dad and I’ll never get that back. And,” she said, swallowing hard before continuing. “Your grandma won’t ever tell you this, but she’s not doing great and I wanted to be here with her and I wanted you to know her.”