Authors: Matt Beam
Pseudo-Section
(So, Sam, I don’t know how old you’ll be when you read this and if you’ve had alcohol yet, but if you haven’t, then you should really really pay attention now. Before taking that big swallow of jungle juice, I had never really had any alcohol before, except for a sip of Ma’s wine once or twice, which was pretty gross, but I was in fifth grade then so a lot of things were pretty gross, like carrots, turnips, and dill pickles. I’d also had that quarter of a
beer in eighth grade behind the school, and that was also pretty bad-tasting. I had seen people drink on TV, like on
The Carol Burnett Show
or
Three’s Company
at the Regal Beagle tavern,and whenever they drank something that looked kind of like my jungle juice, they almost always coughed like they had just drunk liquid fire or turpentine or something. And I was sort of ready for a really bad taste, especially because of the smell. But the thing is on those TV shows, they aren’t drinking jungle juice, it’s probably whiskey or maybe even apple juice and they are just acting. No one in their right mind drinks jungle juice because it’s gross, because it’s a mixture of all different kinds of alcohol, so it’s seriously strong, and—I found out later—it’s also usually stolen from someone’s parents’ liquor cabinet.)
Point of View
Anyway, Sam, I took a massive swallow, and then it felt like something was choking me but from right inside my throat, and I got tears in my eyes and I coughed and coughed and coughed just like the actors on TV do but way way more, and everyone laughed their asses off, and I was bent over and Trevor grabbed the jar from me, and I finally said, “Oh my god,” and they all laughed even harder, and then Trevor said, “Holy! That’s the most I’ve ever seen anyone drink in one go,” and I was still bent over and sort of spitting, and Trevor patted me on the back and said, “That’s good enough for me, man,” and the snobby girl Charlene said, “That was nothing,” but Trevor came to my defense and said to her, “You have some, then,” and put it in
her face, and she pushed him away and went, “Gross. Get that away from me, loser,” and then she just looked away and lit up another thin, brown cigarette, and I kind of got the feeling that she didn’t like me much.
Then a minute later, I could feel my throat going warm and kind of numb, and I felt like I might be getting a little drunk or something, and Alistair handed me a beer, which I had to hold with the sleeve of my jacket because it was cold, and he said, “That should put the fire out, Mikey,” and then he started telling the girls about how I beat up Bobby McIntyre, and I still had a bit of the scab on my eyebrow, so he made me try to show it in the dark, and his story was a big effin’ pack of lies, but it sounded really good, way more exciting than what actually happened, and I wasn’t going to argue, because I was just happy, like I was sort of starting to feel like I didn’t need to be anywhere but there, and that maybe someone cared about me or something, like I didn’t need anyone to take care of me anymore, and I could tell that the girls thought I was cool or tough or maybe a bit dangerous.
And I don’t know how long we were standing there, drinking beer and talking and telling stories, but Alistair finally said we had to go to the party, so we all started to walk back up the hill, and I was getting really drunk all of a sudden and Alistair had this big knapsack that had beers in it that went
clink, clink, clink
as we went up, and I was at the end of the line and feeling really good like I could do absolutely anything in the world, but I was stumbling a little a bit, too, and the nicer girl, Leslie, was just a bit ahead of me and I noticed she had sexy legs, and then just before we got to St. Clair, we all chugged our beers down, which
made me burp a lot, and when we got up to the road, everything seemed bright and blurry.
To be honest, Sam, I don’t totally remember exactly what hap-pened next because jungle juice is really really strong and it makes you pretty effin’ drunk pretty effin’ quickly. I do remember little patches of stuff, like Alistair yelling at some man across the street and giving him the finger, and walking and walking and talking and talking to the cute girl, Leslie, and then holding her hand for a while and talking about Christmas exams (I don’t even know how we started holding hands!), and then I remember suddenly being at the party, and when we got there, it was jammed with people and I lost everyone almost right away and the house was totally massive, and I kind of remember weaving around the place, and I stopped in the living room because there was a TV on and some guys I didn’t know were watching a movie, and then I went into the kitchen, which was jammed with people, elbow to elbow, and it was really smoky with cigarette butts and burns all over the floor.
Then I suddenly saw Jenny talking to another girl in the corner of the kitchen. I guess being drunk makes you way braver, because I just walked right over to her and said, “Hi,” and I don’t even know what I said after that, but I knew right then and there that I was falling hard for her, and now when I think about what Byron said about how god with a small
g
was the first cause ever in the universe and he was responsible for all the causes and effects that came after, I’m not so sure, because I don’t even know what the cause was for what I was feeling, and what I was feeling was like no other thing I’d ever felt in my whole life, and
I don’t even know if the other girl said a word the whole time we were standing there.
All I remember was Jenny’s eyes and something in there that isn’t a color or a texture or a smell, and it was like we had known each other forever, and I don’t even know why or how it happened, and I bet god with a small
g
doesn’t know why either, because even though he started everything in the universe eons ago, he doesn’t understand what’s going on in my brain because most times I don’t even understand it.
And then I made a big mistake, Sam. The other girl had a bottle of something called schnapps, and she offered me some, so I sniffed it and took a swig from the bottle because it smelled and tasted much nicer and sweeter than the jungle juice, and then I had another swig and another swig, and I just kept on talking and talking and swigging and swigging, and I was having trouble staying on my feet, and then Trevor and Alistair suddenly showed up in the kitchen, but I have no idea what we said to each other. Then I really don’t even know how it happened, but all of a sudden I was like Rocky Balboa from the end of the
Rocky I
, but instead of yelling “Adrian, Adrian, Adrian” with my eyeballs all puffy from boxing Apollo Creed, I was outside, stumbling along the street with really fuzzy vision, blabbing on about who-knows-what, leaning on Jenny with one arm. (I don’t know where the other girl or Trevor or Alistair went!)
And then I remember flashing blurry lights and cars honking at us, and falling on the snow together and giggling, and Jenny lifting me up and me falling back down, and then all I remember is being alone and lying facedown in the frozen garden in front
of our apartment and puking my guts out for effin’ ever, and then climbing up the apartment stairs on my hands and knees, and then coming home, and stumbling and hitting the walls and the couch and the door with my body, and trying to get to sleep but my head was spinning like crazy, and then I remember run-ning to the toilet and being sick again, and Ma coming out and saying, “Jesus Murphy, Steven! What have you done now?”
I have never ever
ever
felt so bad in my whole life as when I woke up the next day. My mouth felt like it had sticky, jungle-juice-tasting glue in it, and I couldn’t even speak, and I felt like puking again, and my brain felt like it was trying to explode right out of my skull, like my synapses wanted to escape my terrible disgusting brain. And because of this, I guess it took for-ever for my synapses to finally start firing again, and when they did they were sluggish, worry synapses, going around in stupid circles instead of linking into chains like they normally do.
And the worry synapses made me groan and groan and groan because I was so embarrassed about blabbing on and on and on to Jenny, and I had no idea what I said to her or how I was ever going to go to school on Monday or walk into science class or look
anyone
in the eye. And I was sure I couldn’t get up without being sick again, so I just closed my eyes and curled up into a ball and wished that I could erase time or something, but instead time went very very slowly and painfully, like each second was hitting me over the head like a hammer.
And I don’t know exactly when, but Ma came in and said, “Steven?” and I mumbled, “Uh-huh,” and she said, “We need to
talk. In the living room … in two minutes,” and I couldn’t even imagine getting out of bed, but somehow I slid off the bed like I was Clint Eastwood, shot in the stomach by a sheriff, and then I was kneeling on the floor with my hands over my head like I was praying or something, and I just couldn’t move, but then I heard Ma say, “Steven … now!” like she really meant it, so I lay on the ground and got my pants on and crawled to my drawer for a shirt, and then crawled to the door and pulled myself up with the door handle and walked really carefully, and I finally sat on the living-room couch and crouched over, and then I couldn’t even look Ma in the eye, because lifting my eyeballs hurt. Really, I’m not kidding, Sam.
And Ma said, “What did you drink last night and who gave it to you?” and I felt like being sick right there, so I said, “Can we … not talk about it right now?” and she said, “What and who?” and I said, “Something called schnapps, and some girl I met at the party,” rushing the words out so that nothing else came out with them, and she said, “Not Trevor,” and I didn’t say anything for a bit, because I almost couldn’t, and then croaked, “No … Alistair,” and she said, “The guy who was having the party?” and I said, “Um … yeah,” because I just couldn’t explain it all, and she said, “Steven, you are going to have to start behaving like an adult. You are going to have a sister soon, and I’m going to have to count on you. You need to grow up quickly, because, we’re going to be a little stretched for a while, and you aren’t going to be able to be so reckless. I want you to stay away from alcohol, that was one of Michael’s problems, and you didn’t like him, right? Next time I call parents. Everyone’s. I am at my wits’ end with you
… and you have exams in a couple of weeks, don’t you?” and I kind of nodded, and then she said, “No more schnapps, no more anything like that and …”
But I couldn’t hear her anymore, because my mouth started salivating like crazy, Sam, and I was just trying to concentrate on not being sick, and I was sweating and sweating and the room started spinning again and finally she stopped talking and then she said, “I asked you a question,” and I nodded because that’s all I could do, and she said, “Answer me, please,” and I guess talking muscles and puking muscles are pretty much the same ones, Sam, because as soon as I opened my mouth to speak I started being sick, and I closed my mouth and covered it with my hand and I ran to the bathroom and was sick all over again.
Ma let me go back to bed, because I wasn’t doing a very good job of “having a big talk,” and the whole day was a big, long, terrible, gray one. At some point, I don’t know when, the phone rang and I didn’t want to get it, so I just lay there and plugged my ears because even the sound of the phone was killing my head, and then the ringing stopped, and Ma didn’t get it so I figured she must have been out for a bit. And then the phone started ringing again, and I thought it might be Ma or some-thing and that maybe she might be having contractions again or something, and I didn’t want my drinking to be the cause of some disaster, so I dragged myself out of bed and crawled to the phone and tried to put my best voice on and said, “Hello,” and a voice said, “Hey, Steven, where the hell did you go last night?”
It was Trevor, and I whispered, “Don’t talk so loud. How did
you get my number?” and he said, “You gave it to me last night, stupid. You were
drunk!
” and I breathed, “I know. … And why are you calling me Steven?” and he laughed, “Man, you can’t remember anything. You said you’d beat the crap out of me if I called you Mike again,” and I said, “Oh,” and he said, “Yeah, and you were two-timing, too. Leslie was mad at you because you were flirting with Jenny,” and I said, “Really?”
“Yeah, really,” he said. “Don’t you remember anything?” and I thought about it and said, “Some of it, I guess,” and then he laughed. “You kept on talking about this god guy, god with a small
g
, and how he was making you drink more schnapps, even though he didn’t mean to or something stupid like that,” and I whispered, “Oh, jeez … don’t say schnapps, please,” and he said, “Okay, and yeah, and then you started falling back into people and a couple guys were getting pissed off and wanted to scrap with you, so Jenny took you outside, and then you two never came back. So … did you score?” and I tried to remember, “Um … I don’t think so,” and he laughed again and said, “You’re an animal man. Hey, some guys are coming over to my place tonight to watch the Leafs game. My parents never come down to my basement, and we can drink beer,” and I said, “I can’t … my ma’s really pissed at me and I don’t think I’m ever going to drink again,” and he said, “Okay, but take my number just in case,” and so he gave me his number and I memorized it (even though I had slow synapses) because I didn’t have a piece of paper, and then I hung up the phone and crawled back to bed.
Conflict
When Ma got home, it was dark, and I was feeling a bit better, watching the game on the couch, and Ma said, “Help me with the shopping bags,” and I didn’t want to move, but I dragged myself up and got the bags at the door and put them on the kitchen counter and went back to the couch, and Ma yelled from the kitchen, “Steven, who do you think is going to put the food in the fridge?” and I yelled, “I don’t know,” and then she yelled back, “First of all, you should have been helping me shop, and now … You know, Steven, I know I sound like a broken record, but when the baby comes, I’m going to need your help.”
And I got up and stomped into the kitchen and just started stuffing food into the fridge and said, “I didn’t make you have a baby, so why do I have to help? And why doesn’t Mike help? Or why doesn’t one of your stupid girlfriends help?” and Ma was silent, and I could tell even without looking at her that she was furious because she said, “Be careful with the eggs, Steven! And after you get that food in the fridge, go to your bloody room,” and I said, “But the Leafs are playing well for once!” and she said, “But NOTHING. You are lucky you aren’t grounded for the rest of high school.”