Authors: Alyson Noël
Ellie had never feared change until the summer her mother died. Her mom had somehow managed to outlive her prognosis by six months, and even though Ellie knew she was dying, she somehow refused to believe it until it actually happened. She was just twelve years old and it felt like her own life had ended. And the only thing that had gotten her through it, the only thing that kept her from going completely mental, was her friendship with Lola and Jade, and the routine she slowly built for herself and managed to stick to, no matter what.
Every single day Ellie made herself surf, study, and achieve something. Whether it was winning a school election, running a quicker mile on the treadmill at the gym, or getting the highest grade on an exam, she was completely obsessed with winning, being perfect, and having complete control of her life. Having learned at an early age that the biggest and most important things were completely beyond her reach, she was now determined to conquer the small stuff.
Though she had one creative outlet for all that nervous ambition. One activity that she allowed herself to just merely enjoy with no competition or harsh self-judgment. But it belonged only to her, and no one else knew about it.
“Uh,
hello?
Earth to Ellie!”
Ellie shook her head and looked at Lola, realizing her friend was still waiting for a response. “Oh, the new girl? She’s okay, I guess.” She shrugged.
“Well, she’s sure got great taste in shoes. Look at those boots! I’ve seriously gotta find out where she scored them,” Lola said, smiling in the way that lit up rooms, made clouds disappear, and guys fall to their knees. Lola was like the Julia Roberts of Laguna Beach High. No one could be mad, angry, or depressed when she smiled.
Ellie smiled back, then turned to face the front of the room. She loved Lola for her constant optimism. But there was no way she was going to look at Anne (or her stupid boots) any more than she had to.
Anne was not having a very good first day. Having gone to the same private school all of her life, with pretty much the same group of people, she was not enjoying the novelty of being the new girl. Not one bit. And by the time lunch rolled around, the thought of eating anything out of the bag Christina had packed completely nauseated her. Her stomach felt tight with nerves and self-pity. And even though she’d promised herself she would wait until she got home to call Justin, the second the lunch bell rang she pulled out her cell phone and went looking for a quiet, shady spot where they could talk.
Sinking down onto a patch of grass, she waited while it rang one, two, three times.
“Hello?” he said, his voice sounding so clear that she immediately closed her eyes and imagined him sitting right next to her.
“Hey,” she said softly, her throat going tight with emotion.
“How’s it going?” he asked. “It’s your first day, right?”
“Um, yeah. It’s going okay,” she said, not wanting to let on just exactly how far things were from okay. She didn’t want him to worry about her. “It’s lunchtime here, so I just thought I’d call and say hey.” God, she sounded so forced. Why did she feel so uncomfortable talking to him now? They’d been together for a year and a half. They’d shared
everything
together, well—
almost
everything. Sometimes she wished they’d gone all the way on their very last night together. But right now she somehow felt relieved that they hadn’t. Everything just felt so distant and weird.
“Listen, school just let out and I’m getting a ride home from Vanessa.”
“Vanessa’s there?” she asked, trying not to sound overly paranoid even though she had good reason. Vanessa was Justin’s next-door neighbor and former on-and-off girlfriend from grade one through eight. On the surface, she and Vanessa always acted like they got along really well. But in reality, they both knew better. Vanessa wasn’t over Justin, and Anne knew it. “What happened to your car?” she asked, trying to keep her voice even, less panicked.
“It’s in the shop.”
“For how long?”
“At least a few days. Hey, can I call you later? Vanessa’s honking, so I gotta go before she leaves without me.”
“Oh, I doubt she’ll leave without you,” Anne said, feeling like a pathetic, jealous wife.
“What?” he asked. “I’m losing you.”
And then he was gone.
Well, he may not be losing me
, she thought, flipping her phone closed and lying back on the grass. But she wondered if she was losing him.
By the time Jake picked her up from school Anne was feeling so depressed and so low that she walked right up to the silver Mercedes, plopped onto the passenger seat, and slammed the door so quick and hard she barely missed her own foot.
“So how’d it go?” he asked, waving at some people he knew as he pulled out of the parking lot.
“I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it,” she said, slumping down in the seat and closing her eyes against the overbearing, totally relentless California sun.
Does every day always have to be so sunny and bright? Can’t it ever be just a little damp, dark, and dreary for those of us with a happiness deficiency?
She glanced over at Jake, practically daring him with her eyes to say something positive, because then she’d really let him have it. But he just shrugged and turned up the stereo.
When he pulled into the driveway, he turned to her. “Your dad’s coming home.”
“Really?” she said, sounding excited in spite of herself.
“Yeah, he called this morning, he’ll be here on Thursday. Friday at the latest. But for sure by the weekend.”
Anne just grabbed her books and got out of the car. So it was finally official. She’d been abandoned by
both
her parents now, and quite possibly her boyfriend, too. She was tempted to call Child Protective Services.
“Don’t be so bummed,” Jake said, following her inside. “Most kids would be stoked to have a house like this to themselves.
“Yeah, well it’s not like I have any friends to party with,” she said, throwing her bag on the kitchen counter and wishing she hadn’t actually said that out loud. It made her sound so pathetic.
“Relax. It’ll happen,” he said, grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and handing her one. “I can introduce you to lots of people.”
Anne took a sip of water and looked at him. She knew he was just trying to be helpful and make her feel better, but it’s not like she really wanted to hang with him. “Thanks,” she said. “But I’ll work it out.”
He nodded and started to head back toward the door.
“So what are you doing now?” she called after him.
“I was just gonna grab my board and head out for a while. Why? Do you need something?”
“Actually,” she said, looking down at her stupid outfit that hadn’t helped her blend in anywhere except for maybe in the teacher’s lounge. “I need to get a few things at the mall.”
“You want me to take you to the mall?” he asked, looking completely bummed.
“No, I was wondering if you’d leave me the keys?” She smiled, realizing she hadn’t done that in a while. “I can drive myself.”
“Do you even know where it is?”
“Jake,
I’m a girl
. I’m sure I can find the mall,” she told him, hoping his love of surf would override his work ethic.
He stood there for a moment, looking at her and weighing his options. Then his eyes wandered over to the huge windows and the ocean view. “I’ll MapQuest the directions for you,” he said, heading into the home office.
By Friday, Anne had talked to her parents on the phone for a combined total of six times. Her mom had called both Tuesday and Thursday mornings before school, with each conversation ending in a very ugly emotional argument. And her dad had phoned faithfully every evening, full of apologies, yet completely trusting in his little protégé, Jake, to look after her. But Anne rarely argued with her dad, even when he completely annoyed her, like now. Though his deadline was tonight, eight o’clock max. Okay, maybe eight thirty. But no later. She was done waiting for him.
She was also done with feeling like a victim. Because even though she hadn’t made any real friends yet, she was determined to stop feeling so sorry for herself all the time and instead try to stay focused on the small victories. Like on Tuesday, when she wore some of the new clothes she’d purchased during her visit to South Coast Plaza, and how she’d blended in with all the students she was still too shy to talk to. And on Wednesday, when having helped herself to the car keys while Jake was out on the deck drinking a beer with friends, she’d cruised around in the silver Mercedes, top down, hair getting tangled in the wind, until she located a gym where she could work out and try to stay in shape on the off chance she ever found a place where she could start diving again. And on Thursday, when Chris had followed her out of AP History, loosely flung his arm around her shoulder, and tried to lead her to the lunch tables where he hung with his friends. But even though she was really tempted to join him and maybe meet some people she could actually talk to, she had a telephone appointment with Justin that she just couldn’t break. She knew there was something going on with him, and she was determined to get to the bottom of it.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” she’d said, ducking out from under Chris’s arm.
“What do you mean? Come on, everybody’s really cool,” he’d said, flashing that megawatt smile of his.
“I know, but I promised my boyfriend I’d call him,” she’d told him, wondering if that was still the appropriate title for Justin.
“Oh, sorry.” He looked really embarrassed. “I didn’t know.” He held his hands up in surrender, and backed away. “I guess I’ll see ya later then,” he had called, turning and jogging toward the lunch tables, leaving Anne standing there alone and wondering if she’d just made a major mistake.
In retrospect, it had been a mistake. Since after going to that pathetic patch of grass that had become her usual, lonely lunchtime hangout, she sat cross-legged in the sun and made her usual, desperate bid to communicate with Justin. She flipped open her cell, pushed the right buttons, and let it ring itself all the way into voice mail.
So then she called again.
And then one more time.
And then, finally deciding to call his house and speak to his mother, she was promptly informed that Justin was next door.
“Would you like me to run over and get him?” she’d asked.
“Um, no. That’s okay,” Anne had said, closing her phone and lying flat on the grass, eyes closed against the sun, refusing to cry.
Justin lived on the corner.
Which meant he only had one next-door neighbor.
Which meant he was at Vanessa’s! Apparently he no longer cared about their scheduled telephone time!
Oh God. “Telephone time”—it even sounds pathetic!
She rolled over onto her stomach, burying her face in the warm grass. What had they been thinking? Had she really believed they could make it work with all those miles between them? And when they promised they’d wait for each other, what exactly did that even mean? Because from what she knew about Vanessa, she doubted Justin would be waiting for anything.
She’d sat up, rubbed her eyes, and squinted at some guys throwing a Frisbee around the quad, some cheerleaders on a bench comparing manicures, and Chris telling a story, motioning wildly with his hands, while everyone around him laughed.
She lived here now. Not Connecticut. And her first big romance was over. Strangely, she didn’t feel so bad about it.
Lola was in her mom’s bathroom, lounging in the awesome oversized Jacuzzi tub and enjoying the hot water, the bubbles, and the candles that were lit all around her as only a luxury-loving girl could. She lifted her leg high into the air, watching the bubbles gather, skidding into each other and slipping down to her knee. Then she stared at her feet, noting that her pedicure was definitely past its prime, but hoping she could pass it off for just one more night. She was determined to wear her new metallic stilettos on her date.
Her date.
For her seventeen years, Lola had already been on many dates—far more than most girls her age. The very first one took place in sixth grade at the Ocean Ranch Cinemas when she had told her mom she was seeing
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
with Ellie and Jade, when what she really saw was
Almost Famous
with Parker Knowles, the cutest boy in her class. Lola had walked out of that theater wanting to be just like Penny Lane. Except for the drugs. And the getting traded to another band for a case of beer. Not to mention that unfortunate overdose. But still, everything else just seemed so glamorous, especially the furry-collared coat, the black sunglasses, and how all the guys in the movie fell in love with her.
Up until then, Parker Knowles had been one of her longest lasting, most serious romances. They’d been boyfriend and girlfriend for the better part of three weeks.
But things were simpler back then. Going steady meant no more than a handful of awkward phone calls, some sweaty hand-holding, and a few embarrassing attempts at kissing. By the time she and Parker had gotten it right, it was over. And so Lola quickly moved on to a succession of junior-high crushes, one virtually indistinguishable from the next.
Lola loved boys. She loved funny, straightforward, athletic, smart boys. She didn’t like the ones that acted overly cool, or dressed overly hip, or tried too hard to get noticed. Though she did like it when they fell to her feet. But pretty as she was, it was her smile that always reeled them in. From the moment she smiled, guys turned to putty, willing to do just about anything she asked.
But as much as she loved boys in general, she had never loved one in particular. Until this past summer, when everything changed.
They’d met before. But this time was different. And the girl who all her friends went to for advice (as though all that dating had made her more worldly, when the truth was she was just as much a virgin as they were) suddenly found herself completely clueless at how to proceed. So she’d spent the entire time concentrating on acting completely normal in front of her friends, even flirting with a couple other guys just out of habit. But her eyes followed him constantly. And if she wasn’t mistaken, she was sure he’d been watching her, too.