Kissing Her Crush (19 page)

“If you leave, you won’t be our proctor.”

He grinned. “Even better. No more ethical conflict. Now come here.” When he tried to kiss her, she extended her arms to hold him back. “Are you feeling queasy again?”

“Um, sort of.” She blinked. “Luke, think about it. If we have no proctor, we can’t continue the trial.”

He looked concerned for a second then shook his head. “There are other proctors besides me. No big deal.”

“It is a big deal.”

“Nat, it’s fine. Just ask for another one.”

Was he really trying to blow this off? She couldn’t help exhaling a bleak chuckle. “You think I can just snap my fingers and the federal government will do what I say?” She wiggled out of his arms and stepped back. “I don’t get everything I want at the drop of a hat. I’m not an Elliott.”

Luke’s sharp jaw clenched. “Wait a minute—”

“The NIH will understand about the timing,” she said, the heat of panic building in her chest. “Just tell them you absolutely cannot leave yet. Tell them, Luke.”

“Think about my side.” He folded his arms. “I’m not about to tell the people who just handed me my wildest dreams on a silver platter that I won’t drop everything to be where they want me to be.”

She swallowed then took a deep breath. “What about me?”

“We knew there was a chance I’d be moving. It’s just happening sooner, because I have to go now.”

“No. I meant, what about my
trial
? We only have the lab for two more days. That’s it. If the NIH can’t magically overnight me a proctor, there’s no way we’ll finish in time.” She thought about Muff, her project failing, and her stomach rolled. Then she thought about Ivy’s job. “You might think you know how imperative finishing this trial is, but there’s more to it. This is really important.”

“And this job offer is really important. I’ll see to it you get another proctor as soon as possible.”

“Can you promise one tomorrow?”

He didn’t reply, but the sudden trace of apathy made Natalie jump to the worst-case scenario. “So you’re picking your job over me. That’s basically what you’re saying.”

“That’s not at all what I’m saying, but if that’s the way you choose to see it, I can’t stop you.” He walked to his desk.

Natalie stared at his back, baffled, blindsided. Until she stopped and thought about it for a second.
Oh, girl. You are such an idiot,
she inwardly lectured, fighting back the rage.
A blind fool. You should’ve seen this coming.

It was happening again. Everything she feared, everything she’d sworn to protect her heart from… What she needed didn’t matter to Luke—that was clear. Which also meant, deep down,
she
didn’t matter to him, either. At least not enough to sacrifice two tiny days to keep her trial from going under.

A wave of the old, painful teenage insecurities crashed over her head.

I’ll never be enough for him. He didn’t see me then. Why would he really see me now? And up until five minutes ago, I was willing to give him everything, my trust, my heart.

The sound of him zipping his laptop case shook her awake. “Luke, please don’t go yet,” she said. Desperation to save her research project made her prepared to say anything, beg him if she had to. “Tell them you broke your leg or your great-grandpa’s sick or something—anything.” When he didn’t stop packing his things, she switched gears. “Do you really want to leave Hershey this soon? Remember what happened before. Think of what you put your family through, your mother.”

She hoped the new angle would soften his heart, but when Luke wheeled around, his expression was frighteningly cold, distrusting, matching his tone. “What did you say?”

“I—”

“This is my life, my decision,” he said, hardness coloring his voice now. “I’m not about to change it because you told me to. I won’t let anyone control me again. Ever.”

“Luke.” Her own heart immediately softened, knowing how her words must’ve sounded to him. “I’m not trying to… I’d never do that.”

She could tell he wasn’t listening as he hooked the strap of his laptop case over one shoulder.

“Luke, hold on.” She followed after him as he walked toward the door. “Don’t leave like this. Let’s talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I see how it is with you.”

She was close to grabbing his arm, but right as he got to the exit, he stopped. For a moment, some of the tension in his shoulders seemed to leave, and she held her breath.

“I can’t believe you brought that up, what I did to my family before,” he said, his back to her, chin lowered as if he was looking at the floor. “I can’t believe you tried to manipulate me with it.”

Slowly, he lifted his head. Natalie still couldn’t breathe, waiting for him to turn around and face her, to work it out.

But he didn’t. And the next thing she knew, she was staring, unblinking, at the empty doorway.

Chapter Seventeen

L
uke had yet to calm down when Dexter pounded on his car window two hours after he’d left the lab. No, he’d
stormed
out
of there—like an obstinate teenager.

He rolled down the window and growled out what had happened.

“You’re a fat, stupid idiot,” Dexter said when he’d finished.

Luke glared at him, ready to kick his brother’s ass to the dark side of the moon just for the hell of it. “Shut up.”

“And now you’re stewing in the driveway all pissed at yourself because you know she’s right.”

“Not even.” Luke exhaled a sarcastic laugh and stared through his windshield at the house. “I told her about the job offer and she completely freaked out on me.”

“Because you also told her you were leaving her project high and dry.”

Luke shook his head. “No. I told her I’d line up another proctor.”

“Any reason why she should trust you to do that when you were about to walk out the door?”

Luke opened his mouth, ready for a rebuttal, but then closed it. “Still doesn’t give her the right to try and manipulate me like that.”

“How did she do that, again?” Dexter asked, an annoying lightness to his voice that made Luke want to kidney punch him.

“She…” He rubbed his chin. “She asked me to stay. Practically begged me.”

“Oh, poor you.”

Luke huffed and rolled his eyes. “When I told her I couldn’t, she laid out all that crap about what happened with Celeste and…and how I should think about what I put Mom through, what I put all of you through.”

Dexter shook his head. “Fat, stupid idiot.”

“I’m done talking. It’s over.” Saying it aloud made his gut clench, so he swung the Jeep door open, nearly bashing it into his brother. “I have to pack.”

“You’re really leaving for DC tonight?”

“I have to,” Luke said, walking toward the house.
And the sooner the better. Get me out of here
, he thought, though his gut clenched again at the falseness of the statement.

Just as he got to the front steps, Dexter called from behind, “You don’t think the NIH can survive without you for two days?”

“Of course they can,” Luke snapped. Then he stopped walking, remembering that Natalie had said the same thing, and he’d blown her off. He stared at the ground as a flicker of realization flashed through his brain.

No, I did worse than just blow her off,
he thought, replaying the scene.
I chose my job over her…just like she said
.

“Fat, stupid idiot,” Dex repeated.

Luke didn’t bother denying it, but sat on the bottom step, the rest of that heated conversation—especially what he’d said at the end—coming back with a fury. “I told her she”—he paused to swallow—“and then I accused her…” He trailed off, unable to finish the phrase.

“See? She was right,” Dexter said, sitting beside him.

“I didn’t know what… I mean, I didn’t see it that way. I got the email, and it all happened so fast.” He held his face in his hands, his skin hot with regret, his gut knotting at what he’d done.

“As your younger brother, it pains me to say how completely terrible you are with women.”

“You’re one to talk,” Luke said through his hands. “You haven’t had a steady anything in years…if ever.”

“Bro, we’re not discussing me. You were happy with her. I haven’t seen that in a very long time.”

A fist squeezed Luke’s heart. He had been happy with her.
She
made him happy. More than that, she made him hopeful and excited about the future. He wanted different things out of life, bigger things, by just being around her.

“You’re the relationship guy,” Dex cut into his thoughts. “The example to us all.”

Luke scrubbed his face and finally looked up. “Some example. I’m a two-time failure,” he said, picturing Natalie’s face, how hurt she’d looked when he’d accused her of manipulating him. “Totally screwed up.”

“I wouldn’t be so fast to write it off. Natalie’s obviously more level-headed than you. It was one argument. Do you think that’s enough to ruin your whole…whatever you two had going?”

Luke thought for a moment, his churning stomach settling a bit. “Maybe not,” he said, staring straight ahead into the darkness. “Hopefully not.” His head ached when he recalled the harsh, untrusting things he’d said, for no damn reason except
he’d
been untrusting. Dexter was dead on when he’d called him a fat, stupid idiot…with a dollop of chocolate whipped cream on top.

No doubt about it, Natalie had been right, including about how Luke didn’t have to leave for DC so soon. He arrived at the lab early the next morning, ready to apologize like hell and tell her just how right she was about everything.

Ivy was the only one there. She stood before a stack of flat cardboard boxes, trying to assemble one.

“Morning,” he said.

“Hey,” Ivy replied, dully.

He set his laptop case on a desk and watched her for a second. “Want some help with that?”

“Sure.” She passed over one of the un-built boxes without looking at him.

Natalie must’ve told her about our fight,
he thought, accounting for her coolness
. I guess I deserve it.

“I didn’t see Natalie’s car in the parking lot. Did she drive in with you?”

Ivy tore off a long piece of packing tape to secure the bottom flaps of the box. “She’s not here. And she won’t be.”

Luke stopped what he was doing. “Why?”

The redhead didn’t answer at first, but then she sighed and muttered, “Clueless.”

The ocean of regret he’d been swimming in the previous night was trying to pull him under again. “Ivy.” He moved to stand in front of her. “What do you mean, she
won’t
be here?”

She blew out a loud, exaggerated breath and looked at him. “Because it’s over. And I can’t believe you had the gall to show up after what you did.”

Luke nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. He deserved the stab. “We had a fight and I want to apologize.”

“How
big
of you. Nat sent a dozen emails last night, and spent hours on the phone trying to secure another proctor, but no one’s available until next week.”

Another stab, right in the gut. He should’ve called her last night and told her he would stay until someone could take his place. But he’d been fuming and stubborn and not thinking straight.

By then of course he knew Natalie hadn’t been trying to manipulate him. Her heart didn’t work that way. She might’ve been desperate—hurt and disappointed in him—but never controlling.

“It’s fine now, back to normal,” he said firmly, to himself more than to Ivy. “I’m here, we can keep going.”

“We…” Ivy muttered under her breath.

“Call her,” Luke said, trying to breathe through the newest stab. But this one stayed in place, making his stomach whir like a blender from hell. “Call her now, tell her I’m staying. Never mind, I will.” He went straight for his cell. He’d get her to this lab if he had to drive to her apartment and drag her out.

“You don’t get it,” Ivy said. “She let the interns go last night. One already flew to Johns Hopkins to work on another project. It’s over—scrapped.” She put down the tape dispenser with a loud bang. “And now she thinks she’s let everyone down. Her family, her brother, the team,
me
. I told her a million times it isn’t her fault—I’ll figure out how to keep my job.”

He looked up from his phone. “Why does this trial affect your job?”

Ivy blinked. “She didn’t tell you about the lab hour requirements?”

Luke thought for a moment. “She mentioned something about it once, but…” He read Ivy’s expression and connected the dots. “Oh. Your contract is up soon. You needed this.”

She nodded. “And Nat blames herself, which is nonsense. She thinks she has to take care of everyone, and if she can’t, she feels like a failure. You know her.”

He did. He knew how Natalie’s huge, caring, giving heart worked, and that she’d take full responsibility, even though none of this was her fault.

“It’s mine,” he muttered, jaw clenched, while the weight of a pile of boulders dumped onto his shoulders. “My fault—all of it.” But just standing there, taking the blame wouldn’t do shit. “We have to get her to this lab. Wait. Why, exactly, isn’t she here now? She’d never abandon this project because of me. I know
that
about her, too.”

“It’s not because of you,” Ivy said in a small voice, pressing her lips together. “It’s something else.”

The dreadful look in Ivy’s eyes and her hesitant manner turned his stomach into a cold void. “Did something happen to her?” When she didn’t reply, he wanted to shake her by the shoulders. “Ivy, tell me what’s going on. Where is Natalie?”

“I don’t know.”

The non-answer was like an invisible hand wrapping around his throat while he waited to hear more.

“Late last night she got a call,” Ivy finally continued. “Her brother’s in the hospital. They think he tried to…” She stopped and looked away.

Luke pictured Brandon jamming on the guitar, singing Springsteen, and then he felt the floor drop out from under him. “Is Brandon hurt?”

“He’s okay, I think. Nat texted this morning saying she wouldn’t be in. She’s staying with him because her parents have to appear before some legal panel about rezoning their county. They have to be in Harrisburg for the next two days. See, she’s trying to take care of everyone again, and she doesn’t know we’re down one intern. Not that it matters. We’re screwed.”

“No, we’re not,” Luke fired back, fists and jaw clenched. He gathered all the energy in his body that made him a fat, stupid idiot and channeled it into sharp focus. He seized Ivy’s open laptop on the counter and spun it around to face her. “Find the schedule. We’re fixing this now.”

She just stood there. “You can’t touch anything. You’re the proctor.”

“I’ll have a replacement here in ninety minutes. It’ll cost me, but I have connections.” He grabbed his phone and typed a short yet firm email to his buddy at Penn Med, promising him anything if he’d get here.

“But how can
you
help?”

“I have a degree in science just like she does. Where’s the schedule?” When Ivy still hadn’t moved, Luke stepped around her and clicked through to find today’s agenda. “I’ll do it all myself, if I have to,” he added, as he speed-read the spreadsheet. “But I sure as hell won’t let Natalie’s dream, what she’s worked so hard for, disappear. No way.”

“Huh. I can see why she was strangling you that night.”

Luke looked at her impatiently. “What?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “We’re really behind now, and two men down.”

“Where’s the final serum?” Luke said, ignoring her as he charged across the room for a lab coat.

“Over there.” Ivy pointed to a fridge in the corner. “Bottom shelf.”

“Is this the version susceptible to temperature?”

“Yes.”

“I won’t take it out until we’re ready.” He rubbed his chin and tried to think like Natalie. “Okay, I need three beakers, three syringes, and clean gloves.
You
”—he snapped his fingers at some random intern who happened to walk in—“get me gloves and two trays of chocolate, no three. Come on, let’s move.”

“D
id you call her yesterday?” Luke asked as Ivy loaded the first of the final set of slides.

“Yes.”

“Did you tell her?”

“She knows we got a replacement for you.” Ivy paused and looked at Steve sitting at the desk Luke had used as proctor. “But when I mentioned your name, she threatened to light my hair on fire if I said another word.”

“Dammit.” Luke muttered as he removed the slide from its latches. “I need another one. Haven’t had to use a microscope like this since grad school.”

“You’ve been behind a desk too long,” Ivy said, pulling out a whole box of blank slides, even though they only needed five. “You need to get your hands dirty more often.”

Luke chuckled under his breath, but it felt like his chest was caving in. He’d felt like that for two days. “You sound like Nat.” He tried not to let his hand shake when he spoke her name.

While he, Ivy, John the pinch-hitting intern, and Steve had worked, he’d tried not to think about her. Too much was at stake to be distracted. But now that the rush was winding down, Luke thought about her a lot. Worried like hell that he’d blown the greatest thing in his life.

“She knows the project is still moving forward?”

Ivy nodded. “But she has no idea you’ve basically taken over her lab.”

“Good.” He loaded the next slide and refocused the viewer. “No reason she ever has to.”

They worked quietly for a few minutes, then Ivy said, “Does she know about the other thing?”

“No.” Luke looked at her, annoyed. “And
you
don’t know about the other thing, either. Remember your promise?”

“But it’s a huge deal. You should tell her.”

At the moment, he wasn’t in a position to tell Natalie anything. She wouldn’t take his calls or allow Ivy to speak his name. Besides, Luke had already thought through the “other thing.” It was a done deal.

“What if I tell her about it and she resents me—resents
it
? What if she resents me enough to not accept it?” That “if” was probably moot; it was clear Natalie already did resent him. The thought brought on another wave of the agony and helplessness he’d been living with. “No.” He shook his head firmly, channeling those heavy feelings into motivation. “This is the one thing I can control, and there’s no way she can find out.”

Ivy sighed. “Then I won’t tell her.”

“Thank you.”

Another stretch of silence rolled by until Ivy broke it again. “Her parents are driving back from Harrisburg this afternoon, but not in time for her to make it to the lab before the data’s due.”

“We’ll make it,” Luke said.
Or this will all be for nothing
, he privately added.

“Are you going to try to make contact with her when we’re done?”

“She doesn’t want to see me.” He exhaled and tried to work out the kink in his neck, but the aching had taken over his entire body, though the worst of the pain centralized around his heart. “I’ve left messages. She’d call back if she wanted to talk. She must be so pissed at me.” He heard misery in his voice and didn’t care.